To feel annoyed about my mum and childcare

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I'm a single parent and the in-laws live on the other side of the world.

I have 2 small children (aged 3 and 1)
I work part time, 2 days a week. My mother looks after the 3 year old when I work and the baby goes to day care. On the 2 days that my mother keeps my 3 year old, she also attends nursery for 2.5 hours, I'm never home later than 5pm.

I am massively grateful to my mother for her help. Without it my daughter could not attend the nursery at all as she would have nobody to drop her off at 9.30am and pick her up at 12. We live in a rural area, there are no daycares (I bring the baby into one in another town where I work)

There is one registered childminder in my area and a very small number of neighbours / friends of the family who I would be willing to trust with my kids. But here's the rub- my mother does not want me to approach anyone else for childcare or babysitting. She very much wants everyone to think that she is supergran and is very tied up with me and my children. She frequently uses us/them as an implicit reason why she can't help out with her disabled sister or why she can't attend any event she doesn't want to attend.

She is also disparaging of any of the people I would ask. She herself would trust nobody with them. She was a stay-at- home mum herself and had just 4 trusted individuals that she would have left us with on rare occasions.

She only agrees very begrudgingly if I ask her to help at all outside the 2 half days she does (which she volunteered to do). Or sometimes just doesn't answer me at all.
Or replies to my question with more questions and doesn't actually say yes. That's fine, that's her right, I get it, she doesn't have to help me at all. But the problem is she is very cross if I even suggest asking anyone else. She thinks I'm doing it to spite her or show her up. Ideally, going forward, I would like to be able to get out 1 or maybe even 2 times a month - a trip to the cinema or a lunch date with a friend. She has never yet had both kids actually, I've never left the baby when her once. I asked once and she was again so unenthusiastic/ non committal that I didn't bother. The baby in particular is very easy.

I guess as I write this I realise I need to just get some other help and be done with it. But I know she will be raging because, and this is key, it makes her look bad. The image she likes to portray is homely, kid-loving, helpful, put-upon mum and granny (martyr). She likes people to imagine that I lean on her really heavily.

Where we live in rural Ireland there is very much a culture of grannies doing childcare and it's like she wants to out- granny the other grannies, but only in theory.

AIBU to feel annoyed?

[mikado1]

Oh I really feel for you and you know what, I've been thinking about this whole mother-child, also Irish here, complex relationship.. I have moved my family's home to be near at a difficult but I was wrong; my aunt said after it was all done - she didn't know I was so unsure - your parents have lived their lives and made their decisions, your decisions have to be your own and you're entitled to that. She also said she would hate to think her children would do something, or not do, in your situation, out of duty. But guess what? This aunt has her own life and interests and is much more than 'a mother'. That sounds offensive and i really don't mean it to be but what I do mean is it's not your fault or responsibility that she has decided these things are so important. You'll have to be a lot firmer on it and i think you might be surprised after initial snippiness; she might actually get over it pretty well and realise her mistake, such as it is. I'm terrified I will resent mine, even though she never asked me to do what I did, tho she saw me in turmoil and didn't tell me not to (I know, not her job) so I am being firmer around limits and I'm saying no to guilt and that way we can all be happier.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

We are all responsible for our own happiness, not our children, not our partners, not our parents. You don't have to loose contact with her to help her see this.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Good advice, Celtic. Thanks. I'm going to frame things that way. I'm glad I'm not the only one having these frustrations. I think it'll be a relief to have a different dynamic.

[Celtic1hair]

I totally understand your frustration, my MIL is exactly the same, and I find it increasingly difficult to pretend that she is doing us favour when in fact the uncertainty drives me crazy & we don't need her anyway (DP buys the nonsense she spews about "loving having DC's" although I'm sure she just likes the kudos!) Difference being I wouldn't mind falling out with her about the situation . My advice would be to sell it to her that you want huge flexibly with regards to childcare & wouldn't want to put her in that position, and that you'd prefer her contact with the children to be lovely and not a chore. I know you shouldn't have to, but at least if she insists on keeping on doing it you can point this out at a later date!

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Chamomile, that's also food for thought. It would be such a departure from how much contact we have now (live beside each other, see each other pretty much every day, speak on the phone, know each other's every move - yes, I know, I can see where the problem is!) She will think I'm being snotty but it would probably be for the best to have a bit more distance.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Sorry not to be delving deep here but I don't see why you would have to tell your mother anything. Just go out sometimes and use a babysitter of some description.

Do you have to tell her everything? Maybe don't let her know so much about your life if you don't' want her weird opinions.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

She says that life is for the young. She has been saying that forever, even when when she was young, and yet she doesn't really approve of anyone with kids having a life.... no matter how young they are. Once you are a mother that's it.
She is also the most wifiest of wives. Since my father died she says she's just biding her time, could never love again etc. one- man woman. He was the perfect husband apparently (he definitely was not).
If I asked her if she enjoys being a granny she would reply that she does, definitely, in so far as she can enjoy anything since her husband died. Not that she's complaining etc.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Great idea, Forgiveness. You have excellent insight and have given me food for thought.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

She is 70 years old, she resigned herself to being a mother and a wife and it's all she knows but perhaps once she had dreams of being someone else, being something else. It is highly likely that between leaving school and becoming a mother she had a glimpse of what that could be like. Many Irish women of her age did but it was mostly a pipe dream if they didn't manage to carry on working.

I am Irish and this resonates strongly with me. I was encouraged to 'go and make a life for myself' but when I had children was encouraged to be at home for them and the narrative of "those career women", as well as those women who took advantage of their own mothers for childcare while off having a life for themselves rings in my ears (along with many many others). Life was always something that happened to other people and mine very much resents other people's happiness / success. The family competition over who got the most, who is the most loving child, favourite child, worst child, most difficult child, landed on their feet child, most selfish child, had everything handed to them on a plate child is totally exhausting yet we all painted into various roles by other people.

Write your own story and write a letter to yourself so you can be the best Mum / Gran you can be when the time comes!!

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Thank you, Perfectly. Many echoes for sure. Sorry you had that to deal with but it has been helpful to know of someone in the same boat.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

That was long, sorry. Your posts just reminded me of my own situation up until not too long ago. I hope you find a solution.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

Polkadoteyebrow

This is all so so familiar for me. If I asked my mum to come out with us somewhere or watch our child's school assembly or have the kids whilst we went Xmas shopping I would often here 'don't try to make plans for me, I want to be free to do as I please'. I'd say i was just asking, don't worry about it. Then she'd be off with me if we invited MIL or asked MIL to have the kids. The joke is that she does nothing with time and has no friends. She allowed my awful father to isolate her from everyone. She used to visit me multiple times a week because she had nothing else to fill her time but if I actually tried to get her to commit to visiting on a certain day, so I could nip out, then that was a problem. I used to encourage her to join a walking group as she apparently loves walking but again I was accused of trying to take up her time. 🤔 My brother lives miles away and she used to use me as an excuse because she couldn't be bothered travelling to see him. He would then think I was 'putting on her' and I had quite a few abusive texts accusing me of taking advantage of her, taking up all her time, tiring her out and blaming me for her not having chance to visit him. 🙄 Without dropping her in it I just had to take his abuse. When I questioned what on earth she was telling him about how much she was doing for me she just fobbed me off and was vague.

The absolute irony is that my OH and I rarely go out. I tend to socialise a little in the day when my children are at school and my OH tends to meet friends for a pub lunch so we rarely need childcare as I am home from 3pm and my OH stays home after work. You'd think we were out every week and farming the kids out constantly. If I did ask for help it was more for a hospital appointment that fell in school holidays or the very very occasional concert/show on an evening but that was literally twice per year maximum.

Like you say, they like the idea of being an involved nan but the reality is very different. I found it extremely difficult to deal with and I really don't envy you going through it.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

What you say about her social identity is also true. I think I feel guilty about stripping that from her. What will her new social identity even be? She doesn't have and doesn't want hobbies or close friends really (But where we live she has plenty of not-particularly-close friends). She says she doesn't want to be tied in to anything or anyone. This is a recurrent theme. I can see how it made sense when she was busy child- rearing but there is nothing stopping her now except she doesn't want to be tied in to things (fair enough) and enjoys being thought of as too busy (again, between the lines she makes out she is too busy with my children)
But it's not for me to dictate how she spends her retirement. Just more info.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I agree, but she's not saying how she feels. She doesn't have time for feelings in general as it happens, thinks they are a modern invention!
You could say that her actions, or rather her demeanour, speak louder than words though. In which case it would certainly appear that she is telling me it's too much/ she doesn't want to do it.
I know her well enough to feel sure that if I instigate the changes however, she will see it as me being too sensitive and fancy with my trained staff from the town if you don't mind, but hey ho. Yes, I think it's for the best.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Well, she is doing a lot!

I see why you feel frustrated, because it wouldn't affect her if someone else did a bit sometimes. But I can also see her side, when she is doing so much and it is so bound up with her social identity. If my mum did half of that, I would feel she definitely earned the right to say how she felt.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Good point 're sick days, thanks. I'll think that through.

She's 70 and in excellent health but yes, tires easily and loves loves loves her bed, reading, tv etc (totally her right, I'm just saying she's not very energetic).
She helps out with the 2 other grandchildren when they visit, babysits them about once every 2/3 months.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I'm sure at least 4 of my siblings think I have her run ragged by the way. She only has four grandchildren and the other two grandchildren live four hours away so it's not a matter of spreading herself too thin although she does still totally baby her (adult) children, including me I guess.

[shiningstar2]

You mention that she's had 7 of her own and didn't get any help herself. It could well be that she really does see the two days she does for you as a lot. You don't mention her age. Are you sure she is genuinely up to what seems little to a full time parent but might be a lot to her if she is elderly?

Does she help out with your other siblings kids as well or just yours op?

If the above are not issues for her I think you might be better starting your eldest at school in the town. Mind you that could open another can of worms. If she is not happy about this it might be difficult to ask her to look after your daughter on those days which often occur with little children when they are too ill to go to school. Think you need to think this one out carefully.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes, I think you're right, Laiste. The narrative has always been "when you have kids I'll be there for you, you won't need a creche. I love children so much." But that is not how it's turned out really. And yet the narrative is the same, it's the only acceptable one for her. She is mock-horrified about what she perceives as those grannies who are too busy with their own lives, who tell their children that sorry, they don't want to spend their retirement child-minding. How selfish etc. But I now think in ways that "type" of grandparent is at least open and honest about how things are going to go, which would be easier to work with.

[TBDO]

A martyr mum. I have one of those.

I’d arrange alternative childcare so you can go out. You need some time to yourself, you can’t spend 100% of your time with DC as a single parent (well, you can, but I think it’s good to get time to yourself to recharge).

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes Wordthe, I think you're right but it's not immediately obvious because she is very much about being a ("humble") child- centered mum/gran who never travelled or socialised or had hobbies and just devoted herself to her family. She is like "oh for years I never went anywhere. Once I got married I just resigned myself to being a wife/ mother and I never complained about it."
In fairness she didn't complain about it. She is generally thought of as lovely and I do love her. And obviously I'm grateful for everything she did for us. But she is infuriating and I do feel a bit like calling her bluff.

[Laiste]

If there is way you can avoid being beholden to her than do it. If you don't you'll be kicking yourself for years to come.

(trust me!)

[Wordthe]

Sounds like everything has to be about her

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes, I am really warming to the idea. I don't want to rush into anything as where I send my daughter will probably be where I send the other daughter and they will likely be there for the duration of their primary education all being well. There are other factors to consider but I think it'll be a relief to get out of this arrangement. She and my daughter are close and my mum strongly strongly favours childcare in a home setting where possible (which I agree can be lovely). But I feel that she is keen on it all in theory, and maybe even in practice too, but what wears me out is that she is never going to let me or anyone forget how LUCKY I am as opposed to all those "career women" and "latch key kids" (this is kind of how she sees things, not me). It is vet important to her to feel that I couldn't manage without her. She knows I could manage, but it would be so inferior in her view as opposed to having "granny on tap" ( this is the kind of thing she says to people but she's certainly not what I would call on tap when she won't even answer me when I ask her to help, and just looks doubtfully at her calendar!)

Her cooking is so much healthier than what she is sure my baby gets at creche too of course. They never watch CBeebies etc (just all her quiz shows!)

[Wordthe]

She's a kind of smoke and mirrors person isn't she
using ambiguity and vagueness to her advantage