To feel annoyed about my mum and childcare

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I'm a single parent and the in-laws live on the other side of the world.

I have 2 small children (aged 3 and 1)
I work part time, 2 days a week. My mother looks after the 3 year old when I work and the baby goes to day care. On the 2 days that my mother keeps my 3 year old, she also attends nursery for 2.5 hours, I'm never home later than 5pm.

I am massively grateful to my mother for her help. Without it my daughter could not attend the nursery at all as she would have nobody to drop her off at 9.30am and pick her up at 12. We live in a rural area, there are no daycares (I bring the baby into one in another town where I work)

There is one registered childminder in my area and a very small number of neighbours / friends of the family who I would be willing to trust with my kids. But here's the rub- my mother does not want me to approach anyone else for childcare or babysitting. She very much wants everyone to think that she is supergran and is very tied up with me and my children. She frequently uses us/them as an implicit reason why she can't help out with her disabled sister or why she can't attend any event she doesn't want to attend.

She is also disparaging of any of the people I would ask. She herself would trust nobody with them. She was a stay-at- home mum herself and had just 4 trusted individuals that she would have left us with on rare occasions.

She only agrees very begrudgingly if I ask her to help at all outside the 2 half days she does (which she volunteered to do). Or sometimes just doesn't answer me at all.
Or replies to my question with more questions and doesn't actually say yes. That's fine, that's her right, I get it, she doesn't have to help me at all. But the problem is she is very cross if I even suggest asking anyone else. She thinks I'm doing it to spite her or show her up. Ideally, going forward, I would like to be able to get out 1 or maybe even 2 times a month - a trip to the cinema or a lunch date with a friend. She has never yet had both kids actually, I've never left the baby when her once. I asked once and she was again so unenthusiastic/ non committal that I didn't bother. The baby in particular is very easy.

I guess as I write this I realise I need to just get some other help and be done with it. But I know she will be raging because, and this is key, it makes her look bad. The image she likes to portray is homely, kid-loving, helpful, put-upon mum and granny (martyr). She likes people to imagine that I lean on her really heavily.

Where we live in rural Ireland there is very much a culture of grannies doing childcare and it's like she wants to out- granny the other grannies, but only in theory.

AIBU to feel annoyed?

[chubbyspice]

Sounds like she begrudges you having time to yourself because she never had it.
I get this with my Mum as well 'I'll have them if you want me to have them' is what I would hear. She'd never say that she loved having them.
It was always as if she was under obligation.
They're older now and at school so maybe because she doesn't see so much of them so doesn't trot out that line

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Thanks. It's also making me think about the future. Wondering if maybe I shouldn't send my daughter to the local school next year but bring her in to the town with me and she can have wraparound care with the baby in day care, as opposed to my mum doing pick up and drop off and the few hours till I get home. It'll be a pain in the ass on the days I'm not working though but at least I won't be beholden to anyone. Also I would be keen to go up to 3 or 4 days work anyway if I can.
If I do that she'll have to find a new excuse to get out of things she doesn't want to do. Even as it is she's vague with people about how many days I work (only 2) and I don't think she tells people that she only has one to mind. I was definitely miffed when she made minding 2 kids ONE TIME sound like such a big deal. I know she's getting on now and doesn't have the energy she had when she was bringing up a family herself but by her standards 2 kids is nothing. And she's always saying things like "oh you may as well be minding 10 as 2" again her persona is very much "I love children and after all these years in still up to my eyes in them, no one can do it quite like me". I've been nodding and smiling and grateful for the help but lately I feel it's a double edged sword.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

She would never say she likes having my daughter or enjoys her company, not necessarily because she doesn't but because that would make it sound like she is getting something out of it too. And that's just not her.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

Wondering if maybe I shouldn't send my daughter to the local school next year but bring her in to the town with me and she can have wraparound care with the baby in day care, as opposed to my mum doing pick up and drop off and the few hours till I get home

I think that something you should definitely consider in the circumstances. We use a childminder for our youngest now and its just so much easier when you are paying for a service as opposed to relying on family, when that family is like your mum (and mine). You pay your money and get the hours you request and can plan your time effectively. There are no guilt trips, no game playing, it's just simple. In hindsight I wish I would have done it years ago instead of asking my mum. Obviously you know your mum best and how to deal with her, but you have to do what is best for you and your children long term.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

She would never say she likes having my daughter or enjoys her company, not necessarily because she doesn't but because that would make it sound like she is getting something out of it too. And that's just not her.

I swear you are writing about my mum ! This is so her.

[Wordthe]

She doesn't want you to pay her for the babysitting because that would mean that she can't use it to control and manipulate you, if she is paid then it's a straightforward transaction
she babysat, you pay to the going rate, nothing else is owed everything is clear cut.

But if you don't pay her then you are in her debt she can choose what you owe her or she can use the fact that you're in her debt to be controlling about who does the babysitting
its a way of having something on you or something over you

[Wordthe]

She sounds decidedly Machiavellian
I would be very cautious with her

[Wordthe]

She's a kind of smoke and mirrors person isn't she
using ambiguity and vagueness to her advantage

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes, I am really warming to the idea. I don't want to rush into anything as where I send my daughter will probably be where I send the other daughter and they will likely be there for the duration of their primary education all being well. There are other factors to consider but I think it'll be a relief to get out of this arrangement. She and my daughter are close and my mum strongly strongly favours childcare in a home setting where possible (which I agree can be lovely). But I feel that she is keen on it all in theory, and maybe even in practice too, but what wears me out is that she is never going to let me or anyone forget how LUCKY I am as opposed to all those "career women" and "latch key kids" (this is kind of how she sees things, not me). It is vet important to her to feel that I couldn't manage without her. She knows I could manage, but it would be so inferior in her view as opposed to having "granny on tap" ( this is the kind of thing she says to people but she's certainly not what I would call on tap when she won't even answer me when I ask her to help, and just looks doubtfully at her calendar!)

Her cooking is so much healthier than what she is sure my baby gets at creche too of course. They never watch CBeebies etc (just all her quiz shows!)

[Wordthe]

Sounds like everything has to be about her

[Laiste]

If there is way you can avoid being beholden to her than do it. If you don't you'll be kicking yourself for years to come.

(trust me!)

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes Wordthe, I think you're right but it's not immediately obvious because she is very much about being a ("humble") child- centered mum/gran who never travelled or socialised or had hobbies and just devoted herself to her family. She is like "oh for years I never went anywhere. Once I got married I just resigned myself to being a wife/ mother and I never complained about it."
In fairness she didn't complain about it. She is generally thought of as lovely and I do love her. And obviously I'm grateful for everything she did for us. But she is infuriating and I do feel a bit like calling her bluff.

[TBDO]

A martyr mum. I have one of those.

I’d arrange alternative childcare so you can go out. You need some time to yourself, you can’t spend 100% of your time with DC as a single parent (well, you can, but I think it’s good to get time to yourself to recharge).

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Yes, I think you're right, Laiste. The narrative has always been "when you have kids I'll be there for you, you won't need a creche. I love children so much." But that is not how it's turned out really. And yet the narrative is the same, it's the only acceptable one for her. She is mock-horrified about what she perceives as those grannies who are too busy with their own lives, who tell their children that sorry, they don't want to spend their retirement child-minding. How selfish etc. But I now think in ways that "type" of grandparent is at least open and honest about how things are going to go, which would be easier to work with.

[shiningstar2]

You mention that she's had 7 of her own and didn't get any help herself. It could well be that she really does see the two days she does for you as a lot. You don't mention her age. Are you sure she is genuinely up to what seems little to a full time parent but might be a lot to her if she is elderly?

Does she help out with your other siblings kids as well or just yours op?

If the above are not issues for her I think you might be better starting your eldest at school in the town. Mind you that could open another can of worms. If she is not happy about this it might be difficult to ask her to look after your daughter on those days which often occur with little children when they are too ill to go to school. Think you need to think this one out carefully.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I'm sure at least 4 of my siblings think I have her run ragged by the way. She only has four grandchildren and the other two grandchildren live four hours away so it's not a matter of spreading herself too thin although she does still totally baby her (adult) children, including me I guess.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Good point 're sick days, thanks. I'll think that through.

She's 70 and in excellent health but yes, tires easily and loves loves loves her bed, reading, tv etc (totally her right, I'm just saying she's not very energetic).
She helps out with the 2 other grandchildren when they visit, babysits them about once every 2/3 months.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Well, she is doing a lot!

I see why you feel frustrated, because it wouldn't affect her if someone else did a bit sometimes. But I can also see her side, when she is doing so much and it is so bound up with her social identity. If my mum did half of that, I would feel she definitely earned the right to say how she felt.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

I agree, but she's not saying how she feels. She doesn't have time for feelings in general as it happens, thinks they are a modern invention!
You could say that her actions, or rather her demeanour, speak louder than words though. In which case it would certainly appear that she is telling me it's too much/ she doesn't want to do it.
I know her well enough to feel sure that if I instigate the changes however, she will see it as me being too sensitive and fancy with my trained staff from the town if you don't mind, but hey ho. Yes, I think it's for the best.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

What you say about her social identity is also true. I think I feel guilty about stripping that from her. What will her new social identity even be? She doesn't have and doesn't want hobbies or close friends really (But where we live she has plenty of not-particularly-close friends). She says she doesn't want to be tied in to anything or anyone. This is a recurrent theme. I can see how it made sense when she was busy child- rearing but there is nothing stopping her now except she doesn't want to be tied in to things (fair enough) and enjoys being thought of as too busy (again, between the lines she makes out she is too busy with my children)
But it's not for me to dictate how she spends her retirement. Just more info.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

Polkadoteyebrow

This is all so so familiar for me. If I asked my mum to come out with us somewhere or watch our child's school assembly or have the kids whilst we went Xmas shopping I would often here 'don't try to make plans for me, I want to be free to do as I please'. I'd say i was just asking, don't worry about it. Then she'd be off with me if we invited MIL or asked MIL to have the kids. The joke is that she does nothing with time and has no friends. She allowed my awful father to isolate her from everyone. She used to visit me multiple times a week because she had nothing else to fill her time but if I actually tried to get her to commit to visiting on a certain day, so I could nip out, then that was a problem. I used to encourage her to join a walking group as she apparently loves walking but again I was accused of trying to take up her time. 🤔 My brother lives miles away and she used to use me as an excuse because she couldn't be bothered travelling to see him. He would then think I was 'putting on her' and I had quite a few abusive texts accusing me of taking advantage of her, taking up all her time, tiring her out and blaming me for her not having chance to visit him. 🙄 Without dropping her in it I just had to take his abuse. When I questioned what on earth she was telling him about how much she was doing for me she just fobbed me off and was vague.

The absolute irony is that my OH and I rarely go out. I tend to socialise a little in the day when my children are at school and my OH tends to meet friends for a pub lunch so we rarely need childcare as I am home from 3pm and my OH stays home after work. You'd think we were out every week and farming the kids out constantly. If I did ask for help it was more for a hospital appointment that fell in school holidays or the very very occasional concert/show on an evening but that was literally twice per year maximum.

Like you say, they like the idea of being an involved nan but the reality is very different. I found it extremely difficult to deal with and I really don't envy you going through it.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

That was long, sorry. Your posts just reminded me of my own situation up until not too long ago. I hope you find a solution.

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Thank you, Perfectly. Many echoes for sure. Sorry you had that to deal with but it has been helpful to know of someone in the same boat.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

She is 70 years old, she resigned herself to being a mother and a wife and it's all she knows but perhaps once she had dreams of being someone else, being something else. It is highly likely that between leaving school and becoming a mother she had a glimpse of what that could be like. Many Irish women of her age did but it was mostly a pipe dream if they didn't manage to carry on working.

I am Irish and this resonates strongly with me. I was encouraged to 'go and make a life for myself' but when I had children was encouraged to be at home for them and the narrative of "those career women", as well as those women who took advantage of their own mothers for childcare while off having a life for themselves rings in my ears (along with many many others). Life was always something that happened to other people and mine very much resents other people's happiness / success. The family competition over who got the most, who is the most loving child, favourite child, worst child, most difficult child, landed on their feet child, most selfish child, had everything handed to them on a plate child is totally exhausting yet we all painted into various roles by other people.

Write your own story and write a letter to yourself so you can be the best Mum / Gran you can be when the time comes!!

[Polkadoteyebrow]

Great idea, Forgiveness. You have excellent insight and have given me food for thought.