To be uneasy about nursery's discipline methods

[Squashpocket]

When I went to pick ds up from nursery he was crying at the door when I arrived, very distressed and saying that he wanted me, that he wanted to go home (even though he hadn't seen me yet at this point). His key worker explained that he'd been told off for snatching a toy and was put in time out, and "obviously they have to ignore him now" (her words).

This has made me feel quite uncomfortable. Is this normal? Ds is 2 and 3 months. I would absolutely want them to correct his bad behaviour, but I was thinking more along the lines of explaining why the behaviour was bad, getting him to apologise to the other child and then redirecting him to play elsewhere, rather than ignoring a distressed 2 year old. I'm going to ask the nursery for their discipline policy next time we're in, so at least we'll be on the same page from now on, but I'm just wondering AIBU to be upset about this or maybe I am being too sensitive?

[Squashpocket]

He only goes 2 days a week (minimum permitted by the nursery) as I'm on mat leave with dc2. We made the decision to keep him in to keep his place open for pre-school when I return to work and for the social interaction. He's a very sociable little boy and I am only able to provide one play date a week and a toddler group (so different faces each week). I was worried this wouldn't be enough.

He became more unsettled when we dropped his days down, which I thought was the main reason, but now I'm not sure.

[Squashpocket]

He already only goes 2 days a week (minimum permitted by the nursery) as I'm on mat leave with dc2. We made the decision to keep him in to keep his place open for pre-school when I return to work and for the social interaction.

He became more unsettled when we dropped his days down, which I thought was the main reason, but now I'm not sure.

I'm starting to wonder if the best option is to pull him out and start both dc at a new place when I go back to work. Or maybe try a childminder instead so they can be together, I don't know.

[TheBubGrower]

user yes nursery workers do get poor pay and have difficult jobs, and are likely to be just following the procedures that are set from above. However I don't think that questioning whether a form of punishment is appropriate for a 2 year old is giving them loads of stuff to "put up with"!

The OP wasn't referring to those kinds of aggressive behaviours, just snatching toys. It's not necessarily the answer to jump to punishment strategies for aggression though either. Firstly you should look at why the child is doing that, it can be for very different reasons. You don't just teach a child "better" ways to behave by punishing them. You do that by equipping them with the skills they need to navigate their social world and by reinforcing positive behaviours. Yes you need consistent boundaries and consequences but a quick fix like time out isn't necessarily going to solve the underlying causes of the behaviour long term

[Dowdydoes]

I wouldn’t leave my child somewhere that did this. It’s unethical, counter productive and shows behaviour from staff that would leave me questioning their understanding of child development not mention their empathy.

[AnnaBegins]

We had the exact same issue with DS's nursery. We had a brief email exchange and a quick meeting with the nursery manager, explained we didn't consider time out an acceptable discipline method at such a young age (and provided scientific reasons for why) and suggested alternatives. They were perfectly happy with that and didn't use time out again until he went up to preschool.
To be fair, DS is generally perfectly behaved at nursery (not at home!) But I was really impressed with their response. I hope your nursery is similarly accommodating.

[user1490465531]

It would help if parents worked with nurseries in sharing what works for them in regard to discipline.
Some parents are good at it some have no boundaries at all and you can notice that in the child's behaviour the way they listen to adults etc.

[Squashpocket]

Oops posted twice.

No, I absolutely do not think that he should be allowed to run feral. I've explained how I personally would deal with snatching in my OP, but I appreciate that I'm not a childcare professional and nursery is a different setting to home.

In the case of hitting and biting I would be supportive of some form of time out, however I still wouldn't expect a two year old to be left to cry on their own.

I agree that nursery workers aren't paid enough for what they do but that's a whole other thread.

[ILoveAutum]

Personally, I’d get a nanny if I needed childcare, but if that was completely out of my budget I’d use a childminder. I like the home from home aspect and the kids being together.

[Squashpocket]

Thank you all. Think dh and I will go in for a chat next week and have a think about other childcare options in the meantime. Your replies have been a massive help

[AuntMarch]

A child minder would probably be the most practical long term as they will usually do school runs. We used to have a couple who collected from pre-school so children were still accessing their funded hours and socialised with children their own age, but then had the "home style" setting with their siblings afterwards - best of both worlds?

[NanooCov]

Our nursery use time out but not until at least 3 years old and the child is not ignored. A staff member sits with them. They don't engage in play but can talk about why they're in time out.

[maddiemookins16mum]

Time out for a small toddler is just confusing. I don’t think they understand that kind of thing for another 6/8 months when they kinda change from toddlers to getting on for three year olds....if that makes sense.

[NewFreshStarts]

At a nursery I've worked at we would put children in time outs as soon as they could begin to learn right from wrong. A two year old would be given three warnings for a certain behaviour and then two minutes of time out. So in this case if he'd snatched toys three times then yes he gets a time out as he can understand it's wrong, however if he'd snatched two toys then kicked someone it would be two snatching warnings and one violence warning if that makes sense? So I think if he'd only snatched one toy then yes the staff member was being very cruel. The way she'd worded it could have been a lot better as well as she possibly meant "he's in time out but he keeps tantrumming, we've tried calming him down but decided to let him cry out as we knew you were due soon". I know I'd probably mess up saying that and it come out similar to what she said after a long day looking after two year olds 😬
Definitely review the behaviour policy, maybe ask if there's more to the story if you think there could be, but ultimately he isn't happy at this nursery so you either need to wait it out until he's in preschool (a long time though I believe) or try and move him so he's still getting those benefits you want but he's also happy.