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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Talking about plans in front of people not invited

26 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 11/11/2018 12:09

AIBU to think that (with the exception of couples), talking about your plans in front of someone not invited, is at best rude and at worst, spiteful? Same goes for talking about an event afterwards in front of uninvited others (and I would even extend to posting photos of and raving about events that only select people were invited to on FB, but perhaps that’s overly sensitive?)

I see this all the time and it really grates on me. I would never do this and don’t understand why others do?

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 11/11/2018 12:12

If it is some sort of private event that you might have invited that person to then yes.

If it’s something like a concert or film that anyone can go to then I wouldn’t have any problem with hearing people talk about going.

CandyCreeper · 11/11/2018 12:13

really? my frienda are always talking about nights out infront of me, i cant go because i dont have child care, so never invite me. doesnt bother me but then im not jealous.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 11/11/2018 12:18

^ I was actually thinking more about when I see people do it to others, but yes, I think I would feel upset if it happened to me. Does that make me a jealous person? Maybe. It would be nice if others had more consideration in the first place though wouldn’t it?

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 11/11/2018 12:19

Depends on the circumstances.

If it's an event that you've been invited to and simply can't make, then no, it's not rude to discuss it in front of you. Although I wouldn't expect the discussion to take up 95% of your conversation.

If it's an event for which you reasonably could have expected an invite and didn't, I would assume the other invitees to discuss plans at another time (assuming they know you weren't asked).

and I would even extend to posting photos of and raving about events that only select people were invited to on FB, but perhaps that’s overly sensitive?

FB would grind to a shuddering halt without this kind of content.

Ifailed · 11/11/2018 12:19

by your rules, people can only talk about events the whole world were party to.

DollyWilde · 11/11/2018 12:23

I sort of agree. DH and I were with friends yesterday, some of whom we’re closer with than others. We’ve invited half the group who we’re close with to dinner on NYE but not the others. He kept trying to bring up the dinner plans and I kept having to shoot him down - he didn’t see anything wrong with it as everyone knows we’re close with 2 couples and never see the other people without them but irregardless I just thought it was so rude! He reckons I was overthinking it though...

MedicinalGin · 11/11/2018 12:26

There is a really cliquey group of colleagues at work who do this- they will sit in the staff room and talk in slightly hushed tones with each other about the arrangements, in-jokes and gossip while you sit there like a wally. I think it makes them feel special and wanted so let them crack on, I say. But the rest of us all go 🙄

nomoremrsniceguy · 11/11/2018 12:28

I was once at my friend's house for a minor occasion, can't remember exactly what now but her newish circle of friends were there & the had a prolonged discussion about an overnight trip they were all planning for one of their birthdays. Fair enough, I thought, there's no reason to invite me as I'm not part of that group. On a number of other occasions I got to hear & see loads of photos about a holiday to Ibiza, a wedding & a NYE celebration all of which i hadn't been invited to. On each occasion I made an excuse and left early, I don't think anyone in the room realised how hurt I was by their lack if consideration for me. I stopped socialising so much with my friend, I keep her at a distance now . It badly affected me- i didnt want to be invited because thet felt sorry for me, I wanted to be invited because they genuinely wanted me to be there. I couldn't explain that to them as I didn't want to rain on their parade either. Very difficult. Whenever i go to my friends house now one of them is always there so ive stopped going unless i feel resilient enough to cope with it all.

nomoremrsniceguy · 11/11/2018 12:57

Just to clarify the aforementioned wedding was one of the couple's in the group, they said I must go, they'd send me an invitation, then didn't. There were loads if other examples of me being not invited but expected to find all their anecdotes hillarious. Now I always go home early if I'm faced with them all as a group.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 11/11/2018 12:58

Yes, it's definitely rude when someone goes on and on about events/outings, despite knowing that the other person hasn't been invited.

I've been on the receiving end of something similar only the person who asked if I was going didn't realize I hadn't been invited and that still stung a bit, even though it wasn't intentional.

FB makes things tricky... It's actually one of the reasons (in addition to unwanted friend requests, repeated exposure to people's most irritating opinions, etc.) I rarely use FB. I can't blame people for posting about things they're doing, but it's easy to make someone feel left out.

HonestTeacher · 11/11/2018 13:20

Awkwardly horrible. I have a group of 6 close female friends. 3 of them are super close and arrange things for the three of them to do (weekend breaks, spa days, brunch etc) this is fine and I don't mind not being invited, but it is so uncomfortable when I'm with the three of them and they start talking about their upcoming plans when they clearly know I have not been invited!

Same with weddings. I went to a friends house for dinner and the whole time everyone was talking about the upcoming wedding of one of the girls who was there. Don't mind that I'm not going, I'm not super close to this girl but really awkward when you are the only one not invited and they spend hours talking about it.

Maelstrop · 11/11/2018 13:27

I find it rude, tbh and to discuss it at length when it's happened when you weren't invited is just fucking thoughtless and lacking in consideration.

nomoremrsniceguy · 11/11/2018 13:30

Yes, I came off Facebook for the same reason. I realised it just made me feel left out. I woulnt wanr to do that to anyone else either so now i avoid it altogether. I also struggle with how to help DD cope with this sort of thing. She's been affected by the same group of people that I feel awkward around. I try to talk with her about it but I feel at risk of passing on my own stuff. It's so difficult.

LewisMam · 11/11/2018 13:33

YANBU. It’s just mean. If you’ve chosen not to invite someone then don’t rub it in that you haven’t invited them.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 11/11/2018 13:33

Like others have said if the person was invited but couldn't go then it's fair enough, if it's an event you could have invited them to but didn't yes its rude.

I do know people (only one group of women) who seem to do it deliberately. I guess they like to feel exclusive. Quite sad. Most people are probably just being thoughtless though.

Ohyesiam · 11/11/2018 13:42

It’s really rude and I don’t do it.
My dd has a friend who is always smugly talking in detail about sleepovers and events she is having that she hasn’t invited my dd to

Pigeonpost · 11/11/2018 14:42

Oh one of the Mummy Mafia did this on the way to school last week. I was walking chatting to a friend and Mum#3 walked up, completely ignored me and starting talking to friend about the plans she's made for both their kids at the weekend (our boys are all in the same class) and going on about how she had had to invite another boy from the class because the mum was there when she was talking about it. My friend jokingly said "oh now you'll have to invite Pigeon's son", Mum#3 didn't even draw breath! Our sons are friends but not close friends so I'm not bothered that my son wasn't invited but I was bothered by the staggeringly rude front of mum#3 effectively moaning that she had had to invite this other child because she'd talked about the arrangements in front of mum#4. Self absorbed bitch!

EurekaStreet · 11/11/2018 14:51

I don't see the issue. People have different groups of friends, and want to spend time with people in different combinations or configurations depending on availability, activity, how well the other people involved know one another, space, geographical distances etc. The idea that every single activity must involve every single person who could possibly be invited, or every single person who might have heard the event mentioned just sounds exhausting and a bit juvenile.

People don't owe me an invitation.

greendale17 · 11/11/2018 14:58

Yes, it's definitely rude when someone goes on and on about events/outings, despite knowing that the other person hasn't been invited.

^I agree

londonrach · 11/11/2018 15:02

Depends. One of my friends was planning her wedding and was excitly discussing it with me. Suddendly she stopped looked and me and said im really sorry i cant invite you, hope its ok to talk about it. Of course it was. She had a huge extended family and i was just enjoying hearing the details of her wedding planning. If its a night out with a group of friends excluding one person who can come no its not ok.

nomoremrsniceguy · 11/11/2018 15:03

The issue for me is the persistent nature if it. Of course I don't expect to be invited to all social occasions, or for people not to talk about things I wasn't part if, that would be ridiculous . However with this particular group of friends I felt excluded by the sheer number of occasions it happened, and continues to happen tbh. It's very difficult repeatedly being in a room where the sole topic of conversation is stuff that you're not part if and you're the only one there who isn't part of it. It completely changed the dynamic of my visits to this friends house. As the 'new' group of friends all live in the same street they are very difficult to avoid.. I feel like a hanger-on rather than an included person. It's very isolating and has affected me badly.

Tiredmum100 · 11/11/2018 15:13

This happens to me all the time. I have a friend who I went to school and we were very close growing up. We now have a mutal friend in common and they are very close (refer to each other as best friends, fine). I'm starting to dread when we meet up as a 3 as it's usually what they've been doing, or are doing after we've met. For example we were shopping one day after lunch they were discussing their plans for food in the evening and taking the mutal friends children somewhere etc, me and my dc weren't invited. I'm in my 30's I haven't got time for it.

Shednik · 11/11/2018 15:27

I find the deliberate not-mentioning more upsetting tbh.

bellanotte22 · 11/11/2018 15:33

Yes. I was in a group of 3 friends. The other 2 had decided to go on holiday together and took great delight in planning it in front of me.

I don't see them anymore.

Whipsmart · 11/11/2018 17:39

I think people do it on purpose to make themselves feel all special and exclusive nobody with any manners would discuss something in a group that some people were invited to and some were not.

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