So that'll be a big fat NO then, ds1!! AIBU?

[Greensleeves]

DS1 is 16 (just) and has just asked us - in full expectation of us saying yes - whether his girlfriend can come and stay with us from 23rd to 27th December! Apparently her parents think it's a fine idea

DS1 is a mature 16, but bloody hell. He's currently only just doing full days at school again and having therapy with CAMHS for self-harming and suicidal thoughts, he's vulnerable and volatile, and the girlfriend has severe anorexia and has attempted suicide several times. He has high-functioning autism as well. It's been a tough couple of months all round.

I'm not the happiest about this relationship, tbh - especially since DS1's birthday party, where he had sex for the first time with this girlfriend, with us IN THE NEXT ROOM, by the time we realised they were shut in his bedroom together and banged on the door to tell them to get back downstairs, it had already happened. Girlfriend was also the only guest to sneak in her own alcohol and get horribly drunk (not dangerously so, and dh and I were on hand and looked after her) so she's a bit wild. We were supervising the party and tightly controlling access to alcohol, but they'd been planning their "first time" for weeks apparently and got away with it. Finding the condom wrapper on his bedroom floor was a low point (although I am glad he used one).

AIBU to be reeling that the two of them thought this would fly? And to feel helpless that he's now upset/volatile/I'm going to be worried all night about him cutting himself because we said no? He's been calmer, happier and more stable this week and I'm scared of upsetting his equilibrium, but this is an insane request, surely? He was genuinely surprised we refused outright; his first response to me saying "but you have your friend XXX over for the Boxing Day buffet!".

Sorry, it's a ramble. At the end of my rope with ds1, he seems to have undergone a personality transplant over the past couple of months.

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think it might be useful to make contact with her parents and see what you make of them - do they appear supportive or neglectful - or burnt out by dealing with their DD's mental health problems?
If you get the impression that they are either not coping or that there is a potential safeguarding issue (eg an abuser in the home) you might be able to get some professional help on her behalf.

[yorkshireyummymummy]

I’m still laughing at @Asthenia questioning my calling the girlfriend conniving and sly.
Have you ever met an anorexic asthenia?
They are incredibly conniving, sly, manipulative liars in my opinion. It’s a mental health illness which will make them do and say anything in order to get what they want.
I’m incredibly concerned for the OPs son because he simply won’t have the mental strength needed to support this girl.
His feelings are utterly legitimate- I can’t bear it when people dismiss a 16 year olds feelings ( if a child of three is believed when they say I love you to their mummy or daddy why do people reject the fact that a 16 year old might be in love?? Love is not an exclusive emotion for the over 25s!!) and so whenever the OP talks to him it must be obvious that she understands and respects their love. It may be young love, but it’s still love!
I don’t like the way your son won’t eat in front of her - he needs to be told that she is ill and therefore does not get to make the rules. He should eat in front of her to promote healthy eating habits. I also think it’s incredibly rude, not to say lax parenting , that her parents are happy not to have her at home for 5 days over Christmas . Why would you expect someone you don’t know to look after your sick child at Christmas!! Seems a bit of CF-ism is creeping in here!
I understand previous posters saying that you should read up on eating disorders but Christ - do they not realise that you have more than enough on your plate already??! Sorry OP, but she is NOT your responsibility- your son is. I would be reading up on how to help a child in a co dependant relationship. You might be the nicest person in the UK and be willing to help her- I’m not the nicest person or even in the top 50%, therefore my only concern would be my own child.

I still feel you are in a sticky unenviable situation.
Keep your boy on your side as much as you can - talk talk talk to him. My DH is autistic so I know just how you feel with the black/white, lack of emotion /overwhelming emotions . It’s bloody hard work living with a high functioning autistic person never mind all of the other crap you have!
Could you sit down with girlfriend and tell her that since you both love your son you assume you both want what’s best for him- and the thing he doesn’t need is an eating disorder and consequently you understand that she’s intelligent enough to know that she must encourage him to eat normally . Because that’s what love is - putting the other person first. Trust me, I really think that you will have to be somewhat manipulative too. I know it’s not nice but hells bells, I would try and manipulate lucifer himself in order to protect my child.

You are doing great. You are trying your utter best to understand, you are being caring but not a walkover and you are making sure the lines of communication stay open. Keep talking. I really don’t think I could be as calm as you seem- but you really are being an amazing mummy.

[Runningishard]

OP you are clearly prepared to be open minded about this notwithstanding your reservations, which is a credit to you given everything you’ve had to contend with. I’d just let her come and they can both be secure in your care. My son is 15 and now sexually active (in my house) with his girlfriend. I can’t stop them having sex so rather it be in a safe environment. You sound like a great mum, I hope they both continue to get better x

[plaidlife]

running just make sure that he has no naked photographs of her, I know someone who had underage sex and consensual photographs, neither parents objected at the time to the sexual relationship. Kids broke up and boy was convicted of having indecent images of a dc. It has caused all sorts of problems over the years. The consent rules protect both parties.

[TigerMummy1]

I typed a massive post and lost it, so might do this in two goes! OP you are doing fabulously well at supporting DS without alienating him. Obviously this situation is far from ideal but I think your instinct to support them and make the best of the situation is right. They obviously love each other, and for all the downsides of the relationship, as a recovered anorexic I can say that relationships between people with severe mental health problems can also be incredibly mutually supportive in a good way, and perhaps your best way forward would be to encourage this.
Christmas for anorexics and anyone with them is usually a living hell. But your son will miss her, so coming to stay afterwards might give them something to look fwd to.
A couple of things ime you need to talk with DS about before that:

1. He eats in front of her, normally. For both their sakes. Explain to him that the best thing he can do for her is to normalise eating. Non negotiable.
   
2. if she is staying with you, she needs to eat something. Supporting/persuading her to stick to her mealplan is probably unrealistic but find out what her "nonscary" foods are (fatfree yoghurt, veg sticks etc) and have them in.
   Good luck... it is such a difficult situation but you sound like a great mum and you're doing a great job!

[Runningishard]

Good advice plaid. There was an issue in his school (not involving him or his gf) in a similar vein so they’re both very aware.