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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how I talk about my traumatic birth experience?

104 replies

HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 14:37

I gave birth to my beautiful baby on Monday. It was a horrible experience that has really affected me psychologically. I'm struggling to get my head round it.

I want to talk about it on mn and get some opinions but as it's quite a specific birth story, not sure how to go about it. The chances of anyone recognising me are quite slim I guess. Would it matter if they did? Probably not,

I just really need to voice what happened and learn to let go of any resentment that I hold towards the hospital staff who well and truly screwed up.

I am a bit of a mess and don't know what to do. I want my birth experience back. I know I can't have it. I'm just all over the place and I know the birth is weighing on me :(

OP posts:
pandarific · 25/10/2018 14:42

I can't imagine anyone who did recognise you would hold it against you one bit - unless they were a truly awful person.

If you want to talk about it here, you can. Thanks

mumofmunchkin · 25/10/2018 14:42

We're listening. If you need to talk, then talk.

Thesearmsofmine · 25/10/2018 14:44

Talk away, there is a birth board but I think it is fine to post here too. I have had two traumatic births and talking about it does help.

You can also get a detailed debrief with the hospital if/when you are ready.

Confusedbeetle · 25/10/2018 14:44

You need to have a conversation with your midwife. You are probably still in shock. You should be able to make an appointment with someone in the hospital to " debrief" and understand what went wrong for you. It may be that a complaint would be in order, is staff were in the wrong then they need to be told and you would feel listened to. I don't think just getting it off your chest will be enough. It is very early days, there are health professionals who may be better for you, for example your health visitor who will contact you soon. The trouble is if you go over it all on MN it may not be the best place. You will get a lot of unqualified advice and opinions. You sound as if you need more than that

SinkGirl · 25/10/2018 14:45

Best thing you can do is talk about it, and ask your midwife about help for birth trauma in your area - help in this area is increasing for this problem. I’ve been there and it’s tough - what’s great is that you’re dealing with it now, not waiting a couple of years like I did. Hang in there Flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/10/2018 14:46

I think a lot of people feel like that, even if it's not traumatic. Time may help as well, it was only a few days ago and even for a straightforward birth you need time to heal physically and emotionally.

Most hospital trusts do a birth debrief to go over your birth notes and talk about what happened and why - it may be worth looking into whether yours does, and booking an appointment. If you still feel the same after this then they may be able to point you in the direction of some professional help

If you need to go through it on here, a lot of people will be happy to read it - hope it helps

onechildortwo · 25/10/2018 14:46

Sorry to hear this. If I were you I would just post a bit more detail and then I'm sure some more knowledgeable posters will be able to signpost you to further support. There will be options to help you understand and get past what happened e.g. a debrief with a midwife/consultant, PALS, birth trauma charities. It's just a case of working out which is best and what to ask for.

Flouff · 25/10/2018 14:46

Does your hospital do a birth debrief? I have had two and they were both really helpful. A senior midwife goes through your notes and talks you through the experience both from your point of view and the medical point of view. After one of them she recommended I make a formal complaint about the midwife who delivered my baby. It was helpful to have an input into what happened and why.

EvilEdna1 · 25/10/2018 14:51

Talking through your birth experience is not always a good idea after a traumatic birth. It may not help and may well make you feel worse. Can I suggest you contact the www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

MustBeDreaming · 25/10/2018 14:52

There's a birth trauma group on Facebook who are all really lovely and helped me to come to terms with what happened to me. I had a failed induction and an emergency cesarean for failure to progress, which in itself wasn't traumatic but the actions and attitude of the midwives and doctors left me in a very bad way mentally.

I wouldn't recommend posting in detail on a general forum as you'll get a lot of unhelpful and unintentionally hurtful comments like "at least you have a healthy baby", or people may get the pitchforks out for criticising the NHS!

I hope you make a swift recovery and enjoy your new baby! Flowers

QueenOfMyWorld · 25/10/2018 14:53

I had an awful birth experience that I can't talk about much 5 yrs later,I also won't be having any more children Flowers

whitewineimissyou · 25/10/2018 14:58

Ah so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad time. I did too and it affected me for a very long time. Two years infact.
It’s awful. Unfortunately talking about it is the only way to process it.
Post here if you wish and anonymise/change bits, but I doubt anyone would recognise you anyways.
Speak to birth debrief and then ask for counselling from your gp.
Don’t let this affect you and take control of you because, in the kindest possible way, it can take over your life. It did mine and I’m sorry I let it get to that point.
Flowers

ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/10/2018 15:00

You can ask to see your notes and have a debrief with a member of staff at the hospital.

Speaking to someone is a good idea.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/about-us/contact-us

This group provides peer email support and a Facebook group but also has good advice on their website as to routes to take.

Original poster
HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 15:07

Thanks all. I had a birth debrief but to be honest, still don't feel much better. The short story is, I was due for an induction on Monday but went in to labour naturally over the weekend. They decided at 100% effaced but 0 dilated they would still give me the pessary. I went from 0-10 cm in an hour, but nobody believed me and they all kept telling me I was in pre labour. I was refused all pain relief apart from paracetamol. When I asked for an examination I was told I didn't need one because the pessary had only been in for an hour. I was put in the bath and left on my own. I did a self examination and could feel the babies head. I called the midwife assistant who told me that it wasn't the babies head, it was the pessary. She left again and left me in the bath. I had to push, but was confused because everyone was telling me I was still in latent stages. The midwife came back and I said 'I need to push' - she told me I didn't and told me I need to breathe as I have at least another 4/5 hours left. It wasn't until I actually started pushing that she called another midwife who said 'right we need to examine this woman now'.

I was 10cm dilated. I had had no pain relief. I wasn't listened to. I was left on my own in a bath, terrified and pushing. I was refused gas and air when I asked for it. I was refused an examination. Nobody realised or wanted to believe that I was in actual labour. I felt so small.

My partner wasn't even there as they told me he could go for a walk as we had hours left: he only just made it back for the last 10 mins thankfully.

I just don't know how to feel. Not sure whether I should have even shared that but I just need some support...

OP posts:
Mumberjack · 25/10/2018 15:08

I’d ask for a birth reflections talk with your hospital but it’s advised to wait a few months as you’ll still be in shock from it all right now and going through things would do more harm than good.
It might help to write it all down, even if it’s jist for you and not posted here.

I must admit the recent furore about traumatic birth stories being posted online and scaring other mums had me stumped, one minute we’re telling people to talk to someone if their mental health isn’t great, next minute we’re telling them to stay quiet!

Congrats on your baby and please be kind to yourself and speak to your midwife and health visitor regularly if you’re finding your experience is affecting you day to day.

Original poster
HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 15:10

@Mumberjack I have just shared my story below, and really don't intent to scare anyone. I just don't know how to feel. As it's left me a bit numb...

OP posts:
Mumberjack · 25/10/2018 15:10

And that sounds horrible OP - not feeling listened to and being refused help. The discomfort must have been unbearable. I’d suggest complaining but again perhaps down the line a bit so it’s taken more seriously.

SinkGirl · 25/10/2018 15:11

I’m so sorry that happened. If you happen to be in Dorset, could you PM me? I work in Maternity feeding back women’s stories and they would absolutely want to know if this happened.

I would contact the hospital and ask to speak to the Head of Midwives so you can talk to them about what happened and they can take steps to prevent this happening in future.

Original poster
HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 15:12

It was awful. I had to walk to a completely different ward with no pain relief and dilated 10cm being told I have 5 hours of it left and that it was going to get worse. I thought I was going to die.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 15:14

@SinkGirl I'm not in Dorset, but have spoken to the main midwife at the hospital who did a debrief. I'm not sure who the head of midwives is though.

OP posts:
SkinnywannabeKBH · 25/10/2018 15:15

Oh my goodness. Such a horrible birthing experience for you and to be honest, it seems to be such a common story. Friends of mine have had similar experiences where the midwives don't believe them and thongs ended up in a panic because baby was on its way etc...
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It's awful to know that there's women who aren't able to have an 'easy birthing experience because of the staff and the lack of understanding.

It's difficult now and somethinf you do need to get off your chest, but going by my friends stories. They have all gone on to have more children and got passed their 1st horrible experience.

Congratulations on your little one and try to enjoy being a Mummy

Aprilislonggone · 25/10/2018 15:15

When I arrived in an ambulance they didn't believe I was ready to push as I had been fast asleep in bed pain-free 2 hours earlier.. They wouldn't let me /help me to the loo. I gave birth fully clothed + shoes. Ended up having to self catheterise for a year as the speedy delivery damaged my very full bladder. I was very unhappy also. Spoke to my mw during the home visits and the pd off feeling did go. Ds was fine and I was eventually. Even had more dc after him.
Congratulations on your squishy baby.

Original poster
HarmonyMiles · 25/10/2018 15:15

@Mumberjack I think I need a bit of time to get my head round it. I feel like it's affected everything. Even down to breast feeding. I'm just really disappointed and sad.

OP posts:
whitewineimissyou · 25/10/2018 15:20

That is awful.
I think the key things that make this so bad for you, from what you have said, sounds to me like the helplessness you experienced, and the disempowerment.
They weren’t very nice to you and you weren’t supported.
And you can genuinely feel like you are going to die with an induced labour the pain can Be terrible if it is badly managed.

That midwife assistant also was a crucial part in who this experience was so bad for you. She has no business telling you it was a pessary you Could feel and not the baby’s head.
That was not her decision to make and she stepped out of the parameters of her role. Very dangerous.
Keep talking about things to anyone you trust.
It is not ok that you were treat like this. It is not ok that just because your baby is ok you should be expected to be happy about it.

JoggerBottom · 25/10/2018 15:29


Many women experience trauma after birth (I certainly did), but this shouldn't be used to minimise how you feel right now. Your feelings are personal to you and you only.
I experienced feelings after DC1 that I couldn't understand. It affected everything. I thought I had PND, but after seeing a therapist she concluded that I had PTSD.
Don't be dismissed by the debrief or your GP. Keep seeking support until you feel better again, not when others tell you that you are better.

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