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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bit controlling from DH?

95 replies

mumsta90 · 17/10/2018 10:18

Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

On holiday recently, buffet restaurant meal plan thing, I started picking up a plate of carvery and then noticed that the "special" meals that night were Chinese, so had a small plate of carvery and planned to go back to try some of the Chinese stuff I wouldn't want to buy a whole thing of to try normally. After all, we were on holiday and I wanted to enjoy myself and take advantage of being in a buffet restaurant to try new things. In hindsight (if i'd seen the Chinese first) I probably would have had that plate first, and only gone back for Carvery food if I hadn't liked the Chinese. (Unrelated) but the beef in oyster sauce was amazing!!

Told DH the plan when I got back to the table with the Carvery plate. He then spent the time I took eating my carvery saying things like "This is just what [name large relative that can't control their eating] would do" and then "I don't find you attractive having this". Continued with "If you have desert [further mean comments which I don't recall]. (So I had the desert as a bit of a F-you to him).

The "I dont find you attractive" one got to me, and it's not the first time it's been said. A few months ago it was said in a "If you wear Pandora bracelet I won't find you attractive" (I got the bracelet anyway!). I also remember he said it another time but can't remember what it was about.

Bit of back story, I am overweight, and gained too much weight during pregnancy with DD, but am now back down below my pre-pregnancy weight and on track to keep losing.

I brought it up with him on the evening of our hol when this happened, but he thinks I was completely BU and overreacting and he was annoyed at DD being a bit fussy really. (DD was tired but not really being too bad)

AIBU to think that I wasn't overreacting by being annoyed at DH comments, and by thinking they were just an attempt to control me?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/10/2018 10:20

He's horrible.

HTH

StylishMummy · 17/10/2018 10:20

He's a shallow, nasty cunt. LTB

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2018 10:21

He's horrible
Why are you with him?

Aprilislonggone · 17/10/2018 10:21

I would not be able to find HIM attractive no mater what tbh.
He is a twat.
Was there not a pool you could have shoved him in?

SugarCoatIt · 17/10/2018 10:23

You were on holiday for goodness sake! DH should not be making those comments to you regardless. Next time, you need to tell him that you don't find it attractive when he berates you and says things like that to you, completely unacceptable and he needs to be called up on it.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/10/2018 10:23

I wouldn't find him remotely attractive either (even if he looked like Chris Hemsworth), because he's a twat.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/10/2018 10:24

Obviously horrible and controlling. If he's concerned about your weight there's ways of being supportive and understanding without being a twat.

Brazenhussy0 · 17/10/2018 10:24

Ha, I love that he’s saying ‘I won’t find you attractive’ like it’s some kind of awful threat. How big is his ego usually?

Ignore him and keep going with your weight loss. Well done so far.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/10/2018 10:25

He’s a nasty, pathetic little man.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/10/2018 10:25

I actually don't get posts like this, and they're daily on mumsnet. You're writing as if this is a small issue. It isn't imo. You just dont talk to your loved ones like this. It isn't acceptable, nice, kind, or what people in love would do.

TurtleCove · 17/10/2018 10:28

He sounds like an absolute twat. I'd get rid.

AuntBeastie · 17/10/2018 10:28

God, how horrible.

MN has really opened my eyes to just how many nasty, mean, arsehole men there are I the world. I’m shocked on a daily basis by the vile things they do.

I’m so sorry OP, I hope you’re ok.

AuntBeastie · 17/10/2018 10:29

I actually don't get posts like this, and they're daily on mumsnet. You're writing as if this is a small issue. It isn't imo. You just dont talk to your loved ones like this. It isn't acceptable, nice, kind, or what people in love would do.

Couldn’t agree more

CarolDanvers · 17/10/2018 10:29

My ex H used to tell me he wouldn't find me attractive if I wore a dressing gown/wore my glasses/didn't wear make up etc etc etc. I hated him by the end and still feel fury at his petty, controlling ways. Your OP really reminded me of that.

Catmum26 · 17/10/2018 10:30

i’d have told him i dont find his attitude attractive. what an arsehole.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/10/2018 10:36

I totally agree arethereanyleftatall. I'm overweight atm and feel pretty crap, DH knows this and his way of supporting me is say suggesting we go in our gym at home, he will say " let's go and do half an hour, you go on the bike and I'll use the running machine " if I say I cba he just says " ok love " there's no way he would be insulting or hurtful.

Pringlecat · 17/10/2018 10:49

What a jerk. Has he always been like this?

If you are genuinely worried about a loved one's health, you don't bring it up at the dinner table. Telling someone who over-eats that they over-eat whilst they're in the middle of an all-you-can-eat situation is just going to encourage them to go crazy.

In your case, you're already down to your pre-pregnancy weight, so it doesn't sound like you need any advice. And, assuming you conceived naturally, you know you're attractive at that weight, otherwise how did you end up pregnant?

Massive red flag for me.

Keep losing weight if it makes you happy - don't do it for him.

EndeavourVoyage · 17/10/2018 10:52

My DH would never say he didn't find me attractive but he would feel he could have a say if i did what you did at a buffet. You see I moan to him about me being overweight on a daily basis so he would feel that he could have an opinion, and rightly so I think! So what I am trying to say is, are you asking your DP if he finds you attractive in certain situations or thinks you are fat etc sometimes our own actions will invite someone to feel they have a right to pass on their opinion.

Oysterbabe · 17/10/2018 10:57

"I don't find you attractive having this"

Ooo devastating.

TokyoSushi · 17/10/2018 10:59

Oh OP, he sounds horrible, and controlling, and a bit of a weirdo!

jojo2232 · 17/10/2018 11:01

He is bullying you and trying to control your actions with the threat of his affections.

This is awful, awful behaviour and I am sorry you have to deal with this. I'm even more sorry that you're married and have a child with this man, but for your child, please get out of this marriage. Your child deserves a happy mother and I don't see how a man could like this could make you happy. Imagine years down the line he makes comments like this to your daughter - 'men won't find you attractive if you wear that' - imagine him saying this. It is a real possibility!

Sexnotgender · 17/10/2018 11:01

He’s a dick.
Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Aledanddylansmum · 17/10/2018 11:06

I have to agree with other posters. This is very controlling behaviour. "I wouldn't find you attractive if you wore a Pandora bracelet?!" 🙄erm.. Wth is that about Im sorry but I wouldn't put up with someone speaking to me like that, it's weird and Id reply " I don't give a f* what you think"
Husband or not.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2018 11:12

I'd have said, "I don't find you being a twat attractive."

He is an abusive controlling knob. Don't put up with it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2018 11:13

If he's made being such a vile, abusive arsehole seem so normal that you're questioning if this is even rude, then I'm really worried what else he says to you.

This is massively controlling.

he thinks I was completely BU and overreacting

So turning it straight back onto you = gaslighting.

It's great that you stuck up for yourself, you need to keep doing this. Just tell him he's rude. He is disrespectful. He is showing your DD a really unhealthy role model of how men should treat women (and how women should allow themselves to be treated).

Next time, tell him you don't give a fuck what he thinks.