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AIBU?

to want to beat my ex around the head with a mushy banana for telling me he's reading English literature to understand me better

42 replies

SSSandy2 · 14/06/2007 08:12

If anyone is unsure BTW the answer is : no, YANBU

So I write a mail to my Russian ex about dd's problems here at German school and how much she hates it and so on and that I'm worried sick about it and can't find any good alternatives anywhere in town. There is one alternative I'm considering, it's a very expensive school for what you get and there are problems with moving her there too. So I don't know WHAT to do.

I get this long waffling mail back about how he is lying about a dacha at the weekends reading Thomas Hardy novels to understand me better.

EXCUSE ME?! WTF? I'm not some creature out of a Thomas Hardy novel FGS. What does that have to do with anything anyway and just ARGHH.

I'm off to beat the heck out of some tennis balls.

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SSSandy2 · 14/06/2007 09:53

I understand your points Anna. I know we're maybe all a bit weird, but we're all laid back about it.

Aloha, she's 6 going on 7 and we live in Berlin. Don't see dh going to Russia really. He had to go there on business a lot about 10 years ago and he really doesn't like the place. I have a Ukrainian friend who I might be able to persuade to come along with her son. She's a prof of English so she and ex could have a great time talking about English novels and analysing me as a result. They both seem to do that anyway so they could compare notes.

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Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 10:01

As a second "wife" (not married) I have had to be really firm with my partner, his parents, his children about not mixing up all the parts of their lives. It got untenable for me at one point - I wanted to be understanding, of the children in particular, but actually it ended up backfiring completely because I felt like an appendix on the end of my partner's life, expected to welcome him and the children with open arms at any time that suited everyone else, including his ex-wife. No-one realised that I felt that way for ages, and I did get a lot of "but the children (come first)" until I pointed out that I was not a free babysitting service available at all times for the ex-wife. And the children were having a ball anyway with so many adults providing for them, and they didn't understand who was responsible for what... quite a mess for a while.

No-one meant any harm to anyone.

SSSandy2 · 14/06/2007 10:03

yes Anna I can easily see how those problems arise and imagine it's unbearable but they're not there in our particular (admittedly strange) situation from anyone's point of view

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SSSandy2 · 14/06/2007 10:06

And all this time I was supposed to be at tennis! Lazy bint.

Well I don't feel AS annoyed with him as I did when I got the mail. So thanks everyone.

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SSSandy2 · 14/06/2007 10:06

another banana saved

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Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 10:07

Good for you then

admylin · 14/06/2007 10:37

SSSandy2, so did he actually give any good advice or support about the school problem? A Ukranian friend of mine also told me that her Russian friends found a private school in Russia better than sending their dc to Berlin school!

Chopster · 14/06/2007 11:19

eww at the birch rod!

SSSandy2 · 15/06/2007 09:00

Hi there admylin
well he said he didn't really know what schools might be good here which is fair enough. How would he know? He said he'd heard that few schools have a good reputation. He's very keen on the French system. I don't why really. He's always said his impression generally was that German schools aren't very good. I don't know what he's basing that on.

He did tell me a while back he thought Russian state schools were not good enough to shelter cows in, never mind dc. He thinks the teachers are better though (obviously, since they taught him!). He thinks Russian schools teach maths, science, music and literature better but not foreign languages. He'll call tonight or tomorrow, so I'll hear what he has to say then.

I can imagine they have good private schools in Russian cities nowadays for the dc of the elite. Is your Ukrainian friend happy with life back home or have you not heard from her since she returned?

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admylin · 15/06/2007 10:57

My friend moved to Spain, and she seems to have settled in but she sends her ds to a german school over there and it's connected to the british school somehow and she says teh british kids get to do more and seem to be ahead and the german branch is very slow and she's not happy with it. She would change to the british class but she's worried that she might have to come back to Berlin and put him back in normal school. As she says, now she can afford even the private british school in Berlin but her dh is selbstaendig and you never know what the future will bring. What if half way through the english schooling you have to fall back onto stste german, then you would have a problem.
That's what she said, her rich Ukranian friend also sent her dc to private boarding school in Russia so that isn't much help in your case maybe! Bit away from the soggy banan topic!!

SSSandy2 · 15/06/2007 11:02

It all sounds so complicated, doesn't it?!
I'm done with the banana now BTW

Well I don't know if the British school here is ahead or not, couldn't say. Will know more if we do the trial days next week, still haven't decided really.

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SSSandy2 · 15/06/2007 11:04

We (ie dh) can afford the British school here, no problem but he doesn't think she should go there... says she always seems happy when he sees her (which is basically just at the weekends). Finding him no real help with this but then he was in Madrid for Mon-Wed and Hamburg yesterday and I think he is just so busy with work, I need to find a solution myself.

Spoke to dd's teacher last night for about an hour (!) on the phone. She really is a nice person but still don't really know what to do. Mind you I am the sort of person who can't make decisions well anyway so that's not a great surprise to me! Hwo are you?

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admylin · 15/06/2007 11:06

Well we've only got 3 and a half weeks to go then we can push the school problems to teh back of our minds and start all over again in August! Will your dd officialy still be registered to go to her old school? Will they keep the same teacher? A change of teacher can work wonders too as in dd's case.

SSSandy2 · 15/06/2007 11:09

She'd have the same teacher for year 2.

Well the teacher was wondering about getting the books for year 2 and had asked dd if I'd given her the money for them and so I called to explain that I wasn't sure yet whether to move dd or not and we had a great natter about it. I do like her, she's really a decent sort. I think unless you register your dc at a new school in Berlin, they'd still be registered at the old one. Don't really know TBH. She told me not to worry about that and just take my time thinking about the other schools and what would be best for dd

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admylin · 15/06/2007 11:15

I told one of the assistant teachers that I was not happy with ds's class and thinking of moving him and she rolled her eyes as if to say I know about that class and then said go to the headmisstress and get it sorted out, so she really acknowledged that ds's class isn't very good.
Another friend who works as a social worker in abig school in the south said her year 3 classes are excellent because all the parents got together and comlained together when things weren't going well and even threatened going to the Schulamt to complain which seemed to work as the teachers now go out of their way to make sure they are organized and do good teaching as if they are scared of the parents. So parents can make a change, but as a group and by yourself it's hard to get them all intrested.

SSSandy2 · 15/06/2007 11:22

well our dp are a forceful lot (judging from the Elternabend). Don't think I'd feel up to tackling the head about the quality of teaching...

Dad's advice yesterday was to try a school in the east because he says the people there seem nicer and friendlier and they speak in softer voices or to move out to the countryside. Can you imagine living in Brandenburg though? I can't really.

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admylin · 15/06/2007 11:54

That's true, you really do still notice a difference after so many years between east and west. Maybe that's why I haven't had any trouble with the unfriendly shop keepers because I'm mostly in the east area. I've never been shopping in west Berlin! Don't know about the schools though, I do know the teachers are fed up at not being paid the same as the west teachers (unbelievable but true, so many years after the wall came down there still isn't one united, equal Germany)

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