to think DP is desperate to please everyone except me?
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:10
My DP and I have been together 6 years, and I seem to basically have always been the bottom of priority list underneath friends and everyone else.
His friends say he is so selfless - yet I feel he treats me very selfishly.
The only way I can think of it is that he is basically chasing the approval of other more ‘alpha’ types.
Context: I am quite shy, but liked, not v social and need one-to-one time more than group. He has been involved in groups his whole life not had many gf.
He is away with work 3 nights a week every week and then when comes back he is busy catching up on other work. We spend very little time just the two of us, like actual dates, as he basically is always too busy, but he always makes time for group stuff or others.
He said he needs to spend time with others as a priority before he spends time with just me, as he needs to feel 'recharged'. Ok, extrovert introvert clash.
But this means if we have arranged something (usually after not spending time together for weeks), and someone else says come round ours for a get-together, he will not be able to turn it down, and he will make me feel guilty about missing out until I give in and we end up going round theirs instead, ditching our time.
If I have not given in, he will be funny all night and when we are spending time together and I come up with an activity he will say things like ‘you’re just trying to compete with the group’s activity’.
I’ve noticed he only seems to be interested in me after I have shown that his friends like me. Eg I went for a coffee with one of his friends once and after that he was like super attentive and wanted to take me for dinner (very unusual).
I recently met up with another of his friends with him recently and we got on well, and after he was all loving the next day and suggested an activity.
On my 30th birthday he went to band practice with his friends all night instead of planning something nice for me, then acted like I was entitled for saying I was upset, 'of course he wouldn’t ever let his friends down by cancelling'.
He took a flight home early from a family holiday where we had our own independent apartment and lots of independence because he wanted to go to an event with his friend (that he looks up to).
Why is he like this? If I like someone I like them when we’re alone.
He makes me feel like my shyness makes me unlovable and I’m only deserving of love when I do something I find hard, socialising and furthermore, being the most charming person in the room.
We were at a wedding and there was a v charismatic charming girl we were all talking to, and he sat next to her at dinner and made her an origami bird. While I was sat on the other side of him.
I was friends with his friend before we went out, I think that’s the only reason he liked me, because I had the approval factor.
Am I overreacting to think this is not ok?
Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it me? Etc.
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 24/09/2018 17:13
And you have put up with this for 6 years?tbh that's why he still does it - you have accepted it all this time!! No more Miss Nice Girl. Or some might say he is just not that into you op..
FrustratedBeyond · 24/09/2018 17:17
Sounds like you need to start thinking of yourself! Try and do stuff not involving him and show him you don't need his approval... Not really sure how you can get around this sorry wall
Dontknowwhatimdoing · 24/09/2018 17:17
It really sounds like you are just not compatible, and he sounds like an arse!
TooSoooon · 24/09/2018 17:20
He sounds like someone I used to know. Take my advice and dump him now. You've wasted far too many years of your life on him already, don't waste any more. You deserve much better then him, OP
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:23
To think we're not compatible because of my shyness then we break up only to find he's with a charming charismatic social woman... I'll basically die inside.
Rejected for my shyness - not the first time.
April yes I genuinely think he's not that in to me but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
MelonBuffet · 24/09/2018 17:25
I really feel for you. As an introvert with an extrovert BF it can be hard when you want couple time and he wants to be the centre of the party............ However, it's not just a clash, he's actively choosing others over you regularly and making you feel shit for wanting to spend time with him. Life is too short. Fuck him off and find someone that makes you feel loved and cherished.............My DP of 6 years used to be a bit blind to this sort of thing, but having talked about how important it is to me, he does his best to balance things a bit better now.....But there's no way he'd have missed a big birthday or come home from a holiday to spend time with a mate, that's just shit.........You deserve better
ThanosSavedMe · 24/09/2018 17:26
To be honest he doesn’t care about your feelings at all otherwise he would t behave like this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert or shy and I don’t think this is anything to do with that. He’s just an insecure knob. He could be like this with an outgoing woman. You our deserve better.
MelonBuffet · 24/09/2018 17:27
But if you finish with him, you're not being rejected for your shyness, you're rejecting him for being a self-centred ass-hat. You will find someone who is better suited to you, please don't waste any more time on this one.
HollowTalk · 24/09/2018 17:28
Yes, but OP, it works the other way round, too. He'll see you with someone who's friendly and loving towards you and not selfish at all. He's not rejecting you for your shyness - god knows what's going on in his head but his behaviour isn't because of your shyness.
MessyBun247 · 24/09/2018 17:29
Sounds like neither of you are happy now. It’s just a personality clash (although he does sound like a bit of a dick) and you would both be suited to different types of people. Is this really how you want to live?
CruCru · 24/09/2018 17:33
I want to be kind to you. It sounds as though you are waiting for this guy to start being nice and put you first. He isn't going to. Please don't have children with this person - it will just end up with you and the children coming after whichever cool / fun person or activity there is.
MessyBun247 · 24/09/2018 17:33
Clicked post too soon. You deserve to be with someone who likes you for YOU. You deserve to be with someone who enjoys spending time with you. Really those are very, very basic things in a healthy relationship. And yours doesn’t have either of them.
Cornishclio · 24/09/2018 17:33
Don't put up with this. Your lack of confidence is one reason why he just walks all over you so don't let him. I know it is easier said than done but you sound lovely, you get on well with some people obviously so you deserve better than to be treated as second best. Walk away. I would rather be alone. This must be making your self esteem even lower.
IThinkILoveAI · 24/09/2018 17:34
Honestly he sounds awful. I know it’s easy to say when we aren’t in the relationship but is this how you see yourself living for the rest of your life?
CruCru · 24/09/2018 17:35
The hard cow in me wants you to tell him that you don't want to go out with him any more because don't feel like you have fun together / have stopped finding him interesting. However, I can imagine that you won't do this.
CruCru · 24/09/2018 17:36
Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like your own daughter. Take up an interest separate from his (running? Join a running club where you can meet athletic guys your own age). Make a point of talking to everyone you meet, even if you are shy. Go out with your friends and have fun.
CruCru · 24/09/2018 17:37
Sorry for multiple points. The return button isn't working for some reason.
toomuchtooold · 24/09/2018 17:38
If he didn't want to hurt your feelings, he would have done something for your 30th birthday. He's not that nice. Don't ascribe him nicer motives than he has, and don't take his lack of care for you as a measure of your worth.(And... LTB.)
MadisonMontgomery · 24/09/2018 17:38
Yesssss CruCru I would absolutely do this! Dump him & say it’s because he’a boring.
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/09/2018 17:39
I don't think it's your shyness that's the problem here, OP. Your DP sounds very, very insecure. He can't bring himself to turn down an invitation from his friends, even if he has already made other plans. He needs them to think he is "selfless" and "looks up to" them so will move heaven and earth to fit in with their plans or activities. He sounds like he worries excessively about what they think. Solid, secure friendships shouldn't be such hard work! He feels more secure in his relationship with you so he takes you for granted, which isn't ok. Don't put up with it. Get rid, but don't beat yourself up and blame your shyness for the relationship not working out.
CatboySpeed · 24/09/2018 17:39
I can’t work out why you’re with him, he sounds awful. He doesn’t seem to care about you at all. If you break up it will have nothing to do with your shyness and everything to do with him being a selfish twat.
arethereanyleftatall · 24/09/2018 17:40
This isn't an extrovert/introvert thing, or anything to do with your shyness. He's just not that in to you. It seems like you're making a big effort to make this work, but as he isn't, that should tell you all you need this know. Move on, you're wasting time.
Wallflowerfire · 24/09/2018 17:43
I originally thought he was the different sort of person. He's a care worker - made a living of being "caring" just not to me?!
Thank you so much for your replies, I literally haven't been able to talk properly to anyone about this before.
For some reason breaking up with him is impossible. I have tried, and as soon as it feels real, I basically get so scared I just backtrack. I start to think I should act better, be different, I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy, if I can change he will care more like he cares for everyone else.
Reading that sounds actually mental.
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