AIBU to think maybe I have some sort of disorder?

[anyideasonthis]

I have recently come to realise how hard I find it to complete actions or take action on ideas and would love to know if this rings any bells with any of you. For background, I am late thirties, married with children, and have run my own business for years. So I am generally competent, busy etc.

Here's my problem: a while ago I spent quite a while researching something to purchase. Not an easy decision, pricing and quality varies wildly etc. I found the best company, pleased with my decision, a page of notes to show for my research..... and yet a month later I still have not purchased said item. No reason other than requiring a bit of time to sort it out. I do this sort of thing a lot - I seem to excel at the research stage but never seem to actually finish the job I start.

Similarly, for my business there is a job I need to do, which although new and challenging, I have done enough training in my free time to know full well what needs doing, and frankly am fairly confident I'll do it well. I have been meaning to do this thing for a couple of years now!! And it's an important thing of direct benefit to the business. So why the hell can't I just DO it??!!

Or, for example, I really need to get into doing regular excercise. I am generally pretty fit & active.... but we all know I need the regular cardio etc. So I tell myself I just need to find ONE thing I like and just do it 3 times a week, no biggie. And I know I would genuinely enjoy doing it - I can think of a few sports I'd like to do. So why the ... hell can't I just do it? I find out about classes and times at different venues near me, make a note, think about it, plan on it...... and then never go. My phone and computer are full of tabs open of things I mean to do, buy, see, read..... I wish I could just either do it or delete it.

I remember at uni feeling so excited about all the new clubs and sports I could join, and wanting to try all sorts and yet, you guessed it, I did the sum total of bugger all. Maybe the odd class here and there but never stuck to anything.

I'm starting to feel like maybe there is some sort of therapy that could help me. I feel slightly embarrassed about starting this pity party.... but I think I need help. Anyone else out there had any experience with this?

[SlothSlothSloth]

I have returned to find yet more really relatable content in this thread. It’s actually scary how much I see myself in your posts.

The post above about the memory stuff and re-running scenarios is so true. I definitely think there’s a social media impact. My memory is astonishingly bad. The day I get back from holiday people will ask me where I went and I can’t answer as I don’t remember any of the place names. People remind me of conversations we’ve supposedly had just a day or two prior and it doesn’t even ring the faintest bell.

I’ve tried mindfulness/yoga/meditation, but guess what? I couldn’t concentrate. And I couldn’t stick to it...

[SlothSlothSloth]

Has anyone had success with the technique of carrying out a behaviour a certain number of times to form a habit? I’ve read about this so many times, and it seems it works for some. But perhaps not for those with this, erm, unfortunate personality type?

[reetgood]

@slothslothsloth no, not really. I’ve resolved to just become a better manager of myself. The thing that drives me mad is the idea that you can solve this with better habits, or organisation. My sister is convinced I have some form of inattentive add. I’m an organised person, but I have to work with how I am rather than trying to will myself into a habit. You may find Gretchen Rubin’s book on habit ‘better than before’, and the types of habit tendencies there are, helpful. I’m soooo much a questioner. So much. I can’t just say ‘I will do this’. I have to believe it’s worthwhile, and invest in the process. I used to think I have no willpower, this is patently not true. I just hadn’t figured out how to harness it. For example, I gave up smoking cold turkey by telling myself that the physical craving only lasts a minute, after that it’s psychological. I could hold out for a minute. Gradually the space between minutes got longer until the minute was once a day rather than every 5 minutes.

I also came here to post this, which I’m sure will resonate with some waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

[LeighaJ]

It sounds like you have a common disorder known as procrastination.

www.ted.com/talks/tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator/up-next

[seafret]

plainwhitetee
seafret suggesting to someone with either diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD that they should practice and develop good habits is right up there with telling someone with depression that they should give themselves a good shake. Actually it's worse, because people do recover from depression. You can't fix ADHD. You can't use positive self talk to make it go away. It's not possible and it's unkind to assume people are just lazy.

I am sorry that you found my post upsetting. I was making the point that the difficulties the OP describes could have a variety of causes, including ADHD, a MH problem like anxiety/depression or an emotional/behavioural self confidence problem, none of which are 'less' or 'better' than ADHD, just different. There are other medical causes too of course. And sometimes there isn't so much a problem as a perceived problem of feeling that we have to live up to expectations or lifestyles which do not suit us, and I don't think that kind of situation necessarily benefits from being 'medicalised'.

My issue is that I don't think it is always helpful to promote internet quizzes to diagnose problems as for example the questionnaire linked to indicated that I have ADHD, but I actually have a number of other conditions that in the context of the questionnaire look like ADHD. My DH would also score but he has anxiety and when he is well he would not score for ADHD. It is just too simplistic and might miss the real cause, which hopefully will not be such an 'unfixable' problem as ADHD. I think most people with anxiety and stress issues would score for ADHD on a simple questionnaire and that is not always helpful.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that "all she has to do is" or "just do xyz" and I didn't say that the OP should "practice and develop good habits". I was saying that many people learn and hone helpful habits as children which stand us in good stead, and some of us do not for a variety of reasons. I wasn't the only poster to say this. It is about exploring the different possibilities of why things happen.

But, actually, practising and developing good habits is good advice! I have a condition that won't go away or get fixed, but I certainly manage better when I can use the strategies that work for me. But, I do know what it feels like when you use every trick in the book and it still isn't enough to make a meaningful difference and the strategies certainly aren't the cure or magic wand that some idiots people think they are; just sometimes a bit of a help.

Diagnoses are not always a magic wand or passport to success either. I totally get that when, after years of struggle and using all means at your dipsosal, it is discovered that you do actually have something 'unfixable' there can be a certain relief in diagnosis; feeling that you will no longer be expected to magically fix yourself or find more ways to keep on trying harder, but it can also be rather depressing and difficult to know that you that you will always struggle that way, and especially as I didn't find that the wider world was any more kind, accommodating or understanding post-diagnosis, it was just as difficult and rigid, and so the biggest difference in some ways is only within myself. I do have the piece of paper now so that at least cuts down on some questions, but I still have to make an effort to manage and struggle through in very similar ways as before. I also know very well how difficult and cruel and exhausting MH issues can be to live with so do not think that is any easier an answer, as often 'the cure' requires examining and challenging your deepest thoughts and beliefs and behviours which takes courage and effort.

That all sounds rather depressing but perhaps communicates my perspective better than my earlier posts.

All in all, I reckon better to stay open minded in the first instance and (get multple referreals if necessary and in an ideal world!) to explore all options. Hopefully the OP will find out what helps her ASAP.

[seafret]

And I did not say or assume the OP was lazy!

[Ofthread]

Oh Jesus, this is my thread. I could post advice but it would be hollow, seeing as I can’t follow it myself.

[Ofthread]

But, on the exercise front. I have managed it by signing up for classes where I have to be there at a particular time or I get fine read lose a credit. I still get fined sometimes .

[Scoopofchaff]

The word "anxiety" sprang to mind when I read your post op.

[TheMythicalChicken]

The desire to give up is strongest the closest you are to the end. Or something like that.

I find it hard to buy things, post letters, anything where it is final. I don't think it's a disorder, just a character trait.

[MistyMeena]

I struggle posting letters too! I always get a momentary twinge of panic when I drop them in the post box 😀

[TheNoodlesIncident]

I have also just done that ADHD test and got a high score I did not see that coming!

[MargoLovebutter]

OP, are you sure it is simply because you don't have the headspace to launch yourself at whatever task it is you want to undertake?

I suffer from the exact same thing. I am hugely efficient as I work full-time and am a single parent. I crack through all my work at work and I make sure the DC are clean, washed, fed and where they are supposed to be, when they are supposed to be. I also ensure the house is clean, bills are paid and everything works.

I have a tonne of stuff, I would like to do, ranging from small DIY jobs to starting an evening course to big garden projects and I shilly shally around them, starting or thinking about them but never getting properly stuck in & I've come to the conclusion that it is because I simply don't have the time to plan and execute the activity properly by myself. I need help, support or a prod in order to do it - which I don't have!

Maybe you are just reaching saturation point to OP. I loved all the courses and activities at Uni too, and signed up for loads and did loads BUT that's when I only had myself to think!

[prunemerealgood]

I wouldn't class myself as an anxious person but I do have ADD-like traits.

Bright kid, never had to work, never learned to work. Good student, totally distracted in my own head and constantly daydreaming. Scraped by at uni because of good memory.

Always doing a job by the skin of my teeth, just getting away with being exposed as a person who's not put the work in. It's all there in my head, the planning, the conversations about it, the wanting to succeed - but the doing is always conspicuously lacking until the very last moment. Or it takes years.

What I find helpful is to have colleagues who are for want of a better word absolute rottweilers and who will call me out if I am not pulling my weight, to put it simply.

I find it really depends on my menstrual cycle too. I'm doubly crap for a week before my period.

Post-it notes with jobs on, which I discard when I've actually completed the job, I find helpful. But I will procrastinate just as I am doing now :) When I think of all the time wasted not doing things it's quite painful but I don't know how to be any other way!

[LeeMiller]

I really recognise myself in this and I'd echo the recommendation for Gretchen Rubin's work (podcast and books) on tendencies and habits. I'm an 'Obliger' so I need external accountability to get anything done. Which is why I can meet a work deadline but not finish a craft project, make purchasing decisions, go to a fitness class etc. Identifying this and finding ways to build in accountability to others into my free-time projects has helped me a lot.

[Scoopofchaff]

LeeMiller that's really interesting about needing external accountability! I am always saying to myself "why do you need permission!" and can never answer my own question!

[LeeMiller]

Yes! My DH often asks me why I am asking for permission to do things and I don't have an answer! I also crave praise/approval from others rather than feeling satisfied with my own work, even when it's people whose judgement I don't actually value as much as my own! It's definitely the result of a being a well-behaved, high-achieving child I think. Needing external accountability makes me feel a little pathetic but acknowledging it has enabled me to get a bit more done.

[Battleax]

bought a book about procrastination a few year ago, but haven’t got around to reading it yet. True story. smile

😄

[Toofle]

I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
Apologies if someone has already said this.

[PlainWhiteTee]

Seafret Thank you so much for replying with such a kind and thoughtful message. I'm sorry for singling you out.

You are correct in saying that a number of real and perceived issues make people feel that they need to constantly strive to keep up. I know I have felt like that in the past, and you're right, not all of these can or should be resolved with medication.

Developing good habits and routines in childhood (or anytime really) is definitely worthwhile, and I still work on this constantly, but my biggest frustration, and why I felt like such a failure for so long is that I know the routines, I know what I should do, but sometimes I just cannot make myself do it, and then give myself a very hard time.

I totally share your feelings about struggling for years then finding some temporary relief after the diagnosis. Not long afterwards though I went through a grieving process for the life I imagined I might have had, if I'd received the diagnosis decades ago.

The medication is good but isn't a magic bullet, life is still hard but just not quite as bad as it was. I still try to do everything I need to do, but don't give myself such a beating if I don't cross everything off my list each day.

The upside of the diagnosis for me was understanding why I behave as I do sometimes, and accepting that life is going to be a bit harder for me than some people might find it.

I should add that I didn't mean to promote the internet quiz in order for people to self diagnose ADHD, it was just an easy way to show what behaviours are typical of ADHD.

[foxpox]

ADHD does present very differently than in children, hence adult adhd....most people wouldn't have a clue what it actually is, i.e., impairment of the executive function and working memory. Op, this is clearly something you've had on your mind and whilst you'd be waiting a long time it may be worth asking for a referral from your gp to the local services who could assess you and give you a formal diagnosis, if that was appropriate. I would advocate going down the formal route simply because it opens out for you support and assistance. Medication isn't always for everyone but you may find it helpful and life coaching and counselling may really help you get organised and finally choose your next sofa/fridge/car or whatever!

[anyideasonthis]

Just wanted to check in and thank you all so much for your contributions. It is such an eye opening thread for me and I will read it through again and again as it's really helping me think things through. I honestly think the causes are a mixture of everything that has been suggested. I'm also really glad some of you are finding it helpful and revealing too. @Slothslothsloth your post did make me laugh! And great username

[seafret]

Hey all. have brain fade to day but wante dto reply.

thanks to plainwhitetee I am sorry you have struggeld so much but I can hera the determiantion in your words. Defintiely be kind to yourself, others were wrong to have been hard on you, so don;t copy them.

I think maybe that whatevre is up with any us, we need to remember to treat oursleves kindly and learn to know when to push through and when to go easy. To not be motvated by guilt or shame or stress but by living well and kindly. Probably the way we treat out lvoed ones but not always oursleves!

Sorry if that sounds cliched. So brain tired today! take care all :)

[GallicosCats]

I also wonder if the self-reliance and self-discipline that is constantly held up to us as an ideal is actually far more unusual than we think. I suspect the answer to this is more social than emotional, and a reflection not of any character deficiencies but of a support network that is either non-existent or not fit for purpose.

Most high achievers have people or institutions around them who are highly invested in their success, so that in a sense they cannot escape their commitments.

The rest of us...well, let's be honest, we know the world isn't going to end if we don't finish that craft project. Nobody is going to audit our household expenditure. And frankly it's depressing when those million household jobs get ignored unless they're not done because the fairy didn't visit.

[Namechangedforthispost18]

I have been the same for a long time...

In the last 3 months, I have researched a holiday, every day for 30 mins or so. We have 60% of the funds and can easily afford it before the date we plan to go in 14 months time.

I still physically cannot book it!!

My husband is quickly losing the will to live.