If your friend is gay

[DrowningEveryDay]

and he just recently told you but you suspect he's known all along, and he has a family, would you encourage him to be true to himself and embrace his sexuality?

What would you do?

My current stand is to stay away from this issue, but my other fried (who is gay) says it's hard to not be true to oneself so he's encouraging him.

[TerfClub]

Being honest doesn't mean that he will abandon his children surely?
It is generally acknowledged that sticking with a relationship for the sake of the children isn't necessarily a good idea, and still has the potential for harm.
And how long does he stay? Ten years? Sixteen? Is it really the best outcome for the wife to be living like this?

[DanceDisaster]

I think stayed by for the children is an utterly terrible idea. It will come out eventually.

[DanceDisaster]

Wtaf autocorrect? Staying for the children!

[Branleuse]

Id say split up and explore his sexuality, but not at the expense of his exp and children. He needs to make sure he takes on a decent amount of the childrearing so that the mother of his children can also "find herself"

[donquixotedelamancha]

So basically the issue is whether he becomes true to himself (while still providing for the kids) or not.

'Providing' for kids is not the same as being a Dad. The number one priority should be their wellbeing. Whatever the outcome, he should be aiming to do equal parenting and minimise the disruption.

That said, of course he needs to tell his wife and decide how he wants to live from now on. Presumably that means divorce. Hiding who he is will not have good outcomes in the long term.

Great answer above from plausible- being true to yourself is not the same as being selfish. Sublimating your own needs or putting them above everything else are both very self destructive.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

He needs to tell his wife first and foremost.

As for being “true to himself”, he’s married, it’s irrelevant what his sexual orientation is unless what he actually wants is to go and have sex with someone else.

Chances are, he already has.

[octonaught]

pigmcpigface

Completely agree about families coming in all forms.
I split from exdp when ds was 5. (The ow in the long term did me a favour) ds does not live with arguments & unhappy, stuck parents.

People are so scared of change & sometimes reputation that they would rather endure a miserable status quo.

[FASH84]

I know a married couple where the male is bi sexual, it doesn't mean he doesn't live his wife of that he cheats on her. He might need to explore this in counselling before dropping any bombshells. If he recognises he is just attracted to men as well as women but loves and wants to be with his wife, no issue, being married doesn't stop you noticing other people, you just don't act on it. However if he wants to explore his sexuality, he needs to talk to his wife, she might want to split or she might want to take a break from the relationship. Either way it's not your place to do anything other than try and ensure he is thinking about her point of view too.

[veggiethrower]

Is the other gay friend who is encouraging him interested in him? Is something going on there?
I really don't think you should be encouraging him one way or another.
It is up to him to discuss this with his wife.
I don't really thing his sexual orientation is particular relevant - he would be in the same situation if he realized he was no longer attracted to his wife after 10 years of marriage and was interested in another woman.
Or even if another woman wasn't involved but he was no longer happy in his marriage for whatever reason.
In which case he should discuss the issues with his wife and see if there are any solutions or if they are better off separating.
So if the issue is that he is gay or that he's interested in a man it needs to be dealt with in exactly the same way - between him and his wife.

[Schnauzermum2]

I actually think this is very different from suddenly finding yourself attracted to another woman! He’s basically entangled some poor unsuspecting woman in a lie that he lived to make himself feel better. What’s worse he has brought 3 children into the world to live out that lie with him. Now this poor woman and kids are going to have their world torn apart. She will probably have to spend every other Christmas away from her kids, holidays, weekends. Worry about hers and her kids future. Simply by setting up this situation which was somewhat inevitable from the outset he has already proved himself a bad father. Hopefully he will have the decency to leave the wife in a good financial position and leave contact patterns up to her. I actually feel sick for this woman about to realise the past decade of her life was built on a lie

[Trinity66]

His poor wife :(

[BarbarianMum]

Just because he's gay doesn't mean he didn't love her and want to be married to her Schnauzer. Or that he didn't want children with her. Revealing that he's a bigamist would make their marriage a lie, this isn't that.

[Trinity66]

I actually feel sick for this woman about to realise the past decade of her life was built on a lie

Yeah some people think it's worse if your DH leaves your for another woman or just doesn't want to be with you anymore, personally finding out your DH is actually gay is worse imo because you're going to feel like the life you had with them was a complete farce right from the beginning, you're going to wonder if everytime you had sex were they repulsed by you etc

[optimuss]

Assuming he is still going to provide and be there to bring up his children then it's just the same as ending any marriage. My parents split when I was 2 and I'm so glad they did it then rather than later. If they had split because my dad was gay it wouldn't have made any difference. My parents still worked together to bring me up and are still close friends.

[stateschool]

If he's gay then he's gay and needs to come to terms with his sexuality and how it will affect his life and his family. There's no point in hiding it by pretending to be straight for the sake of is wife and kids - so yes, he does need to be 'true to himself' as you put it because trying to be straight when he's not could lead to far more harm for everyone in the long term.
He's still the kid's father, gay or straight, and can still be a great parent separated from his wife. She's really the one he needs to talk to now.
And as for the commentators giving him a hard time for marrying in the first place - until you've walked in someone else's shoes you have NO idea of their experience.

[Cheerymom]

Can't believe the harsh judgements against your friend here OP. Many people struggle to define their sexuality to themselves never mind the world. I imagine you know first because your are his friend and he needs one right now. As in any potential split there are issues. I can't see how him being gay is a big 'lie' etc, maybe he loves his wife deeply but has feelings for men. Does he want to end the marriage then just the same issues as any other marriage. Good luck to the family.

[Gottagetmoving]

Your concern should be for his wife and children and he should be honest with her not discussing it with you or anyone else when she is in the dark about it.

[Whatshallidonowpeople]

You can mind your own business

[Trinity66]

Can't believe the harsh judgements against your friend here OP. Many people struggle to define their sexuality to themselves never mind the world

Well I guess as a woman I find it easier to put myself in the wife's shoes and that's how I'd imagine I would feel if I were her? She's more of a victim than he is imo. It seems like in cases like these the wife's pain is glossed over for the poor man who had to live a lie. I find that odd.

[stateschool]

Trinity66 - did the man say he was a victim? Their marriage is about to break up so that sad for all concerned but there's no way a gay man should stayed married to a woman to keep the peace or because he feels sorry for her. Unless he's the world's greatest actor he is not going to be able to fulfill all her needs as an equal partner living a lie. She's better off in the long run without him.

[Helpmeplan]

Please encourage him to talk to his wife and be honest with her. She will notice he is miserable. He will start becoming depressed.

A close family member of mine took 30 years to come out as bi. His wife did leave him but they were able to co-parent succesfully. It took him that long to come out because his Mum is catholic and he was frightened of her reaction. She initially went crazy at him but she came round pretty quickly.

Not sure how people can live a lie their entire lives.

Poor bloke. Feel sorry for him, and his family tbh.

[stateschool]

It isn't like he has a choice.
This isn't a 'should I have an affair with the girl at work' or 'Should I re-kindle an old flame' or even a "should i take up a time consuming hobby that takes me away from the family at weekends' kind of decision for him. His choice is live a LIE and be miserable, and make those close to him miserable too eventually or be brave and tell his wife that he's gay.
He's gay. He's not choosing to be, he just is.

[Cheerymom]

Trinity 66, she doesn't even know yet! He may not tell her, he may not want to have sex with anyone, he may stay with her. Any marriage split up is harsh but discovering on is gay as middle aged is not uncommon, I know lots of women it happened to.

[DragonMummy1418]

I would stay the hell out of it!

It's his kids that will suffer the breakup of their family. And I know how bad that can be from experience.

If he feels he can wait until they're grown up then that is a sacrifice that he can make for his children that is important for their happiness.

Only he can know if he can live with it, pushing him in either direction is a really really bad idea.

[DrowningEveryDay]

Is the other gay friend who is encouraging him interested in him? Is something going on there?

No, we're just very close. All three of us.