Up-rooting my family - AIBU?

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

DH and I have lived up north for 10 years now. We have good work, primary school and nursery on our doorstep... life is easy. DD is in year 1 and DS starts school this September.

Life should be great but it isn't - because I'm homesick for life down south and have been for 10 years.

I've talked to DH about it over the years but it got so bad at Christmas I said I couldn't see me living up north for much longer and he agreed to start looking for jobs down south because he wants me to be happy. He's amazing and I love him so much. He would be leaving behind his family and friends up here.

So I'm putting us through applying for two new jobs, buying a new house and trying to get both of our children into the same school down south. Not to mention breaking it to MIL that we're moving 200 miles away. We'll be living close to my family and friends down south so kids lose one Grandma and gain another.

Your opinions won't change my course of action but I suppose if you were to say "yes you're being selfish but I understand why" I would feel better about putting my family through this.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Greendale - yes I know I am but I can't change the way I feel.

Wave - did you have kids when you moved? I'm thinking school will give us an in to community life. We mainly socialise separately with work friends.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Yes my family are all south, which we see regularly. A lot has changed and I wouldn't be living where I used to but closer to where work is. What I'm looking for is the town that I know and the buildings and landscape which hasn't changed as it's steeped in history plus my family around me. All of my family are from here and I miss the heritage. I feel lost up north.

[Olympiathequeen]

You’re not being selfish at all if your dh is happy with the move. I would so love to live near family but our life is also in the north now and we are mostly happy here. It’s not north or south that’s important to me, just the nearness of family.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Do you think that women need their family more than men?

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Also I think job prospects are better for kids down south.

[TwitterQueen1]

Nope. You've lost me now OP. Move if you want to but don't blame it on the accents, the lack of politeness, the lack of sense of community, the lack of heritage - all of which is utter, utter rubbish.

The north has a history too you know.

I'm a southerner who spent years at uni in the north. It was revelation to me - strangers spoke to each other! They looked out for each other - even an ignorant 18 year-old student who didn't know what bus stop to get off at.

You're entering into the realms of the ridiculous now. The kids will be fine. You'll be fine - I can't speak for your marriage. You are demonstrating bigotry and stupidity with these silly comments.

[TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey]

I was the opposite to you. Lived down South and was homesick to move back to the North. All my family are here. All my close friends are here. I made friends but it never felt like home. I felt unsettled and slightly out of place. Moved home when DD1 was 10 months old and 6 weeks before DS arrived.
I also think, if you discovered going back there wasnt the right move, it would be easier to move back up North (employment aside) with regards to the logistics.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Twitter - I didn't say the north doesn't have history or community - it's just not my history or my home. Yes people are friendly up here but they are down south too. I think if I've not felt it's home after 10 years it's not going to happen.

Thanks French, I have thought about this - if it didn't work out down south to move back.

[Ariela]

Interestingly I live in the south, our house is midway between where my parents lived and where his parents lived - and would say the vast majority of my friends have moved away in the past 20-30 years.
Some have gone north, some west, some east, some to the coast and many abroad, and 3 out of 4 parents have died.
So still living here has changed a lot, every spare field between here and the motorway has been built on, and beyond. Everywhere is a constant traffic jam, and parking spaces difficult to find.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

If we do move I'm scared to tell MIL. She has DS once a week as he's still at nursery and picks DD up from school sometimes.

We're planning to hop on the bus to get to work when we move as no parking and traffic will be very busy.

[DarkPeakScouter]

I uprooted our kids from a great community lots of friends and a nice lifestyle to bring them back to their birth country and one set of grandparents and all their cousins. They’re loving it. There are still tears over the rehomed family pet though :(

[FannyFaceAche]

I think homesickness how you are describing can't be ignored really. It'll eat at you so it's best to do something about it. I hope you find what you want back down south, things might feel really familiar but also different so I suppose I would just say be prepared for that? Don't rush trying to feel settled as it could take time?
I'm from Oxfordshire too and moved to Europe 6 months ago. I'm not homesick now because I got a job, I felt instantly more settled and so I hope for you that happens too. You both get jobs, kids in school and give it a go. Good luck!

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Thank you both so much.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I don't think there is any big deal at all. Families move all the time. Life just goes on. We moved our dcs and they thrived. Just do it and don't overthink it. But happiness is within so work on that.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Breaking to news to MIL worries me. She'll be so upset I don't think she'll speak to me again.

[Copperbonnet]

I’m a British ExPat living in the US.

You should do what you and your DH think is best for your family, however I will warning that in my experience people take their baggage with them wherever they live.

Ten years is a long time OP. Living there now won’t be like living there ten years ago.

The children will adapt but don’t expect it to be quick. After all the North is their home, culture and heritage even if it isn’t yours.

[Nanny0gg]

Of course she'll be upset.

But you've made your mind up so if she wants to see her DGC again she'll just have to get used to it won't she?

[Dozer]

Bus to work, in the south east?! Do you have very portable jobs then? The usual model is commuting to London, or perhaps a few places like Reading.

If your new jobs will involve a longer commute don’t underestimate the negative impact on your quality of life.

[bananasandwicheseveryday]

I'm not sure 'down south ' is going to be the idyll you seem to imagine. Places change a lot in that time and whilst you may notice cosmetic changes on visits home, I don't think you realise how much the people and attitudes change until you're back living there. We moved away when we married, not far though, only about 20 or so miles and only for a few years. Even in that short time the changes were huge. We moved back to our 'home'area and have been here ever since. Whilst I am happy enough here and appreciated the familiarity when we moved back, if I had my time over, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have come back.

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Thank you for your comments. I'm beginning to realise south is not going to be the same as when I left it, I hadn't thought about this before - I think I thought I'd be able to pick up where I left off but it's obviously not going to be like that.

Bus will be a 15 min ride away from jobs in town. It's just not possible with a car - no parking there and we don't fancy fighting the traffic.

I'm worried about MIL's reaction. Does anyone have experience of moving family with kids a significant distance away from MIL? How did you break it to her? What was her reaction? How is life now?

[SheFellDownTheRabbitHole]

Anyone survive MIL?

[peacheachpearplum]

I don't want to worry you but feel I should be honest as you want opinions. We moved 180 miles when DS was 5. I don't think he has ever forgiven us. He went to university near to where we used to live, he has determinedly kept his accent, never ever accepted that where we live is home. I regret we ever moved and wish I could turn the clock back. The kids have all moved back close to where we came from and I would go back in a shot but DH is disabled and can't face the upheaval.

I'm sure it works for most families, my kids had what many would think was an idyllic childhood living close to a beach, teenage barbecues on the rather than hanging round street corners. What can you do?

[MadMags]

Does it matter? If you get your way you’ll be hundreds of miles away from her.

Honestly, you seem to be dramatizing everything!

You sound like you think you’ll be moving back to the set of a Disney movie, you talk about “surviving” MIL, you’re telling people you know you’re selfish, you feel awful about pulling your children away from their friends even though people have said they’re young enough to adapt...

What is the big deal? And if you’ve decided, why are you asking?

[peacheachpearplum]

My MIL and my mother were both upset. Different for you as you are moving near one of them but for us we ended up doing lots of journeys as they got older and frailer and lots of regrets when they died.

Sorry I'm not much comfort.

[GreenEyedGoose]

We are about to do this but moving to Aus. We aren't living in the same country as IL but close enough for them and us to visit regularly.

Dh told them this weekend. I wasn't there, I think it's best they discuss on their own. Dh said they were sad but took it well enough.