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AIBU?

Up-rooting my family - AIBU?

59 replies

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 21/04/2018 17:23

DH and I have lived up north for 10 years now. We have good work, primary school and nursery on our doorstep... life is easy. DD is in year 1 and DS starts school this September.

Life should be great but it isn't - because I'm homesick for life down south and have been for 10 years.

I've talked to DH about it over the years but it got so bad at Christmas I said I couldn't see me living up north for much longer and he agreed to start looking for jobs down south because he wants me to be happy. He's amazing and I love him so much. He would be leaving behind his family and friends up here.

So I'm putting us through applying for two new jobs, buying a new house and trying to get both of our children into the same school down south. Not to mention breaking it to MIL that we're moving 200 miles away. We'll be living close to my family and friends down south so kids lose one Grandma and gain another.

Your opinions won't change my course of action but I suppose if you were to say "yes you're being selfish but I understand why" I would feel better about putting my family through this.

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Dozer · 23/04/2018 07:44

MIL will undoubtedly be very upset and should you decide to move DH should handle that. But it’s not an important factor in the decision, right?

I don’t think where your DC might decide to live as adults or your potential feelings about that is an important factor eithet.

How much more (or less) than you each earn now might you earn in the southern town you wish to live in? Because most things will be considerably more expensive.

Suggest investigating house prices within catchment for the popular schools: there is very likely to be a big price premium on houses, eg £100k!

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 22/04/2018 21:09

I'm more worried about my DD than DS as she's got lots of friends at school. One good thing is she's very confident and makes friends easily, it's in her nature. Schools where we would live down south are exceptional. Secondary school options where we currently live are poor.

Honestly I'm dreading telling MIL, I think she will be devastated.

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GabriellaMontez · 22/04/2018 21:06

Do you really think your mil will be surprised?

She'll have to get over it. Or you could live somewhere you're unhappy with to avoid upsetting her...

Schnauzermum2 · 22/04/2018 21:05

I think you need to carefully consider your kids. They don’t necessarily “just adapt” my DH moved from the north to the south when he was 7. He was so upset he developed speech issues and self confidence issues. E went from a model pupil to a struggling one who never recovered academically and clung to his friends in the north (still the case at 45). It might be the right thing for you but you need to firstly make sure it’s the right thing for your kids.

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 22/04/2018 21:05

Yes DH will need to speak to MIL, it would be best coming from him.

Gin - I haven't thought about south changing, yes I was being naive but I've never been in this situation before. I want to get your opinions so I can go into it with eyes wide open not just dreaming of a fairytale ending.

Thanks both, maybe I am blowing it out of all proportion afterall.

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MadMags · 22/04/2018 21:02

We moved country! Everyone lived.

GabriellaMontez · 22/04/2018 21:02

People move all the time. For all kinds of reasons. Sometimes many times. I don't think you should feel guilty. It can be challenging and stressful but that's life innit?

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 22/04/2018 20:56

I did wonder if our kids might move north again in the future and this thought doesn't bother me. But if we stay here and they decide to move south when they're older I would be so upset as it's where I want to be. I want them to be happy wherever that might be.

Yes reading it back it does sound dramatic but I'm quite scared of MIL's reaction. She's lovely and obviously cares about her family and I don't want to upset her. I'm just hoping to hear some stories from other families that turned out well and I'm asking if you did the same thing how did it go for you?

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TenGinBottles · 22/04/2018 20:49

I'm beginning to realise south is not going to be the same as when I left it, I hadn't thought about this before

How can you not have thought of this before??? It reads like you think you're going to be moving back to a fairytale land where all will be perfect.

If you truly thought the move is the best thing for your family, then I don't think you'd be so worried about telling MIL.

GreenEyedGoose · 22/04/2018 20:49

We are about to do this but moving to Aus. We aren't living in the same country as IL but close enough for them and us to visit regularly.

Dh told them this weekend. I wasn't there, I think it's best they discuss on their own. Dh said they were sad but took it well enough.

peacheachpearplum · 22/04/2018 20:48

My MIL and my mother were both upset. Different for you as you are moving near one of them but for us we ended up doing lots of journeys as they got older and frailer and lots of regrets when they died.

Sorry I'm not much comfort.

MadMags · 22/04/2018 20:46

Does it matter? If you get your way you’ll be hundreds of miles away from her.

Honestly, you seem to be dramatizing everything!

You sound like you think you’ll be moving back to the set of a Disney movie, you talk about “surviving” MIL, you’re telling people you know you’re selfish, you feel awful about pulling your children away from their friends even though people have said they’re young enough to adapt...

What is the big deal? And if you’ve decided, why are you asking?

peacheachpearplum · 22/04/2018 20:44

I don't want to worry you but feel I should be honest as you want opinions. We moved 180 miles when DS was 5. I don't think he has ever forgiven us. He went to university near to where we used to live, he has determinedly kept his accent, never ever accepted that where we live is home. I regret we ever moved and wish I could turn the clock back. The kids have all moved back close to where we came from and I would go back in a shot but DH is disabled and can't face the upheaval.

I'm sure it works for most families, my kids had what many would think was an idyllic childhood living close to a beach, teenage barbecues on the rather than hanging round street corners. What can you do?

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 22/04/2018 20:32

Anyone survive MIL?

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SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 22/04/2018 18:36

Thank you for your comments. I'm beginning to realise south is not going to be the same as when I left it, I hadn't thought about this before - I think I thought I'd be able to pick up where I left off but it's obviously not going to be like that.

Bus will be a 15 min ride away from jobs in town. It's just not possible with a car - no parking there and we don't fancy fighting the traffic.

I'm worried about MIL's reaction. Does anyone have experience of moving family with kids a significant distance away from MIL? How did you break it to her? What was her reaction? How is life now?

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bananasandwicheseveryday · 21/04/2018 22:38

I'm not sure 'down south ' is going to be the idyll you seem to imagine. Places change a lot in that time and whilst you may notice cosmetic changes on visits home, I don't think you realise how much the people and attitudes change until you're back living there. We moved away when we married, not far though, only about 20 or so miles and only for a few years. Even in that short time the changes were huge. We moved back to our 'home'area and have been here ever since. Whilst I am happy enough here and appreciated the familiarity when we moved back, if I had my time over, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have come back.

Dozer · 21/04/2018 22:36

Bus to work, in the south east?! Do you have very portable jobs then? The usual model is commuting to London, or perhaps a few places like Reading.

If your new jobs will involve a longer commute don’t underestimate the negative impact on your quality of life.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2018 22:30

Of course she'll be upset.

But you've made your mind up so if she wants to see her DGC again she'll just have to get used to it won't she?

Copperbonnet · 21/04/2018 22:29

I’m a British ExPat living in the US.

You should do what you and your DH think is best for your family, however I will warning that in my experience people take their baggage with them wherever they live.

Ten years is a long time OP. Living there now won’t be like living there ten years ago.

The children will adapt but don’t expect it to be quick. After all the North is their home, culture and heritage even if it isn’t yours.

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 21/04/2018 22:19

Breaking to news to MIL worries me. She'll be so upset I don't think she'll speak to me again.

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junebirthdaygirl · 21/04/2018 22:12

I don't think there is any big deal at all. Families move all the time. Life just goes on. We moved our dcs and they thrived. Just do it and don't overthink it. But happiness is within so work on that.

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 21/04/2018 22:09

Thank you both so much.

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FannyFaceAche · 21/04/2018 22:06

I think homesickness how you are describing can't be ignored really. It'll eat at you so it's best to do something about it. I hope you find what you want back down south, things might feel really familiar but also different so I suppose I would just say be prepared for that? Don't rush trying to feel settled as it could take time?
I'm from Oxfordshire too and moved to Europe 6 months ago. I'm not homesick now because I got a job, I felt instantly more settled and so I hope for you that happens too. You both get jobs, kids in school and give it a go. Good luck!

DarkPeakScouter · 21/04/2018 21:58

I uprooted our kids from a great community lots of friends and a nice lifestyle to bring them back to their birth country and one set of grandparents and all their cousins. They’re loving it. There are still tears over the rehomed family pet though :(

SheFellDownTheRabbitHole · 21/04/2018 21:56

If we do move I'm scared to tell MIL. She has DS once a week as he's still at nursery and picks DD up from school sometimes.

We're planning to hop on the bus to get to work when we move as no parking and traffic will be very busy.

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