Is my DD spoilt or am i expecting too much?

[mumsy2015]

I picked my DD(6) up from school and took her along with my DD(2) to an ice cream parlour as a treat. They have a decent play area and a few animals you can look at. After buying them a large ice cream we went to play and my DD(6) wanted to do the crazy golf. I said no as DD(2) would be lethal with a golf club, i had already spent money on ice cream and there was plenty of free stuff to do.

She kept on and on about the golf so i said if it was mentioned again we would go home. Of couse she did so i said it was time to leave. She started crying so i sat her down on a bench and explained that it was spoiling things, i wouldn't change my mind about the golf and that we would sit for two minutes and she could calm down and decide whether to play on the free equipment or go home.

Two minutes later she is still wailing and crying about the golf so we left. In the car she was screaming and kicking my seat and i lost my temper and really shouted at her that she had spoilt what was supposed to be a nice treat. I feel so awful that i shouted but something like this happens every time we go out and i say no to anything.

AIBU to expect that we should be able to go out and not have tears and tantrums? And how on earth can i handle it better? I am not enjoying spending time with her at the moment and feel like a terrible parent.

[Echobelly]

You did nothing wrong... young kids can be demanding or ungrateful and it's not because they're horrible or spoilt, it's because they're young kids. DDs speciality when she was younger (I think she's coming out of this now) was ignoring the nice things that happened and complaining about what she didn't get! But again, it's just being a kid, it's not deliberate ingratitude.

[EB123]

Are you in West Yorkshire? If you are i know the place and had to drag ds1 out of there once during a big tantrum. I really wouldn't worry too much but maybe plan a trip there just with her so you can do the crazy golf and have some one on one time. My older two (7&5) really appreciate a bit of time away from the youngest, doing things that he is still too little for.

[Moxiebelle]

Why do people keep saying they know the place? Surely there are lots of places like that?

[CocoaGin]

I've got 3 DDs and I went through this with all of them . Think it was around a ten year phase by the time one had grown out of it and the next started. You did fine, the rule is to try and stay really really calm and not change your tone "no we aren't doing that today" and then a clear warning that if it carries on we will all be leaving. And do it. It only takes a few times for them to learn you mean what you say. Don't beat yourself up, you're human and it's shit when you've made the effort to do something nice . I also did very little with mine after school as they were tired and cranky after a day of noise and having to do as they are told. Treats were ice creams in the garden sort of thing, and going out left for the weekend.

[NettleTea]

she's not spoilt. She is just little, and tired and trying it on because she is that age.
We all shout sometimes, especially when we are hot and tired and disappointed.
If she were spoilt she would have cried, and then you would have given in and let her play golf. and then she would have wanted another ice cream and fish and chips on the way home. And would have got them because you would do anything to avoid being the bad guy.
We need to be the bad guy sometimes, because No means No, and no matter how much you scream and shout, it always means No

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I also found discussing the trip beforehand and agreeing together what we would and wouldn't be doing helped a bit. So saying "Shall we go and get ice cream from X? We can play on the free things, but we can't do golf this time. Does that sound fun?" before heading off for ice cream might help. Wasn't foolproof, but seemed to result in fewer meltdowns.

[chocolateworshipper]

I could write a post with the same title about my 18 year-old. I find that repeating to myself "the part of the brain that controls empathy is one of the last parts to fully form" helps a little. ONLY a little, mind you.

[AlecOrAlonzo]

Don't be too mad at her or yourself. It's important to have boundaries but big shouty conflict is very stressful for everyone.

I say:

I know it's disappointing when you want to do X and we can't.
You feel upset because it would be fun to do X but we can't today.
When would you like to make a plan to come back and do the golf game? We can see how much money you have in your bank and work out the best day to come.

[Sugarhouse]

Don’t beat yourself up yes shouting wasn’t the best thing but it’s done now and your only human. maybe apologise for the shouting explain why you were upset but that it was the wrong way to handle it. You absolute did the right thing taking her home keep doing this always follow through with what you say and she will soon learn. It’s a hard job being a mum we all will make mistakes treat yourself to a glass of wine you deserve it

[AddictiveCereal]

Your daughter lost her cool about the golf and you lost your cool about her tantrum.

Its not always easy to keep calm when you are frustrated - and even more difficult if you are only 6.

You don't necessarily have to spoil a day out and go home because of a tantrum. You could give time and if the child calms down just continue on with the day - without giving in on the thing they were crying for. I'd give way longer than 2 minutes for calming down though.

Or you could have a separate punishment - like no TV later that evening.

Sometimes focusing on good behaviour - spotting it and pointing out to the child how proud you are makes them start living up to the 'good' image of themselves.

[knowledgeofnone]

I'm genuinely glad I joined mn this week and read this! Literally I had the exact same at the park yesterday with my 7 year old right down to the shouting in the car so I'm going to steal some of this advice!! Thanks

[Cornishclio]

She is not spoilt, just a normal probably overtired 6 year old and you did exactly the right thing (apart from the shouting). Kids really know how to push our buttons. The important thing is consistency and kids have to learn there are boundaries and the consequences of them misbehaving will be followed through on. You did all that. You told her if she did not stop with the tantrums you would leave and you did just that. I do not think it is unreasonable to say to a 6 year old that she had an ice cream and there were free things to go on but she cannot do everything. Give yourself a break.

[Cornishclio]

chocolate worshipper

Your 18 year old throws tantrums?

[shanefolan29]

'' lost my temper and really shouted at her that she had spoilt what was supposed to be a nice treat. I feel so awful that i shouted but something like this happens every time we go out and i say no to anything.''

do not feel awful that you shouted-you are too soft and your daughter exploits this. Remember you are the boss and what you say goes, never ever doubt your own judgement in cases like this-stand your ground now or she will take advantage.

[chocolateworshipper]

Cornishclio

Nope. As I said - could have written a thread with the same title. Just not the same content underneath.

[mumsy2015]

Again thank you everyone for your replies- there are some really excellent suggestions that i will try. We did have some quiet time doing jigsaws together before bed and we talked about what had happened and how sorry we both are. Although i clearly picked a bad time to go it is the same if we go on ourings at the weekend too. I am definitely going to try setting expectations before we go anywhere, keeping my cool and i think trying to spend more time one on one as well. Hopefully we'll have some fun and fewer tantrums

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

My daughter is 10 and has ASD. She gets very tired after school and there is no way we could do much after school on a Friday.

When she has meltdowns we cuddle a bit like kittymamma suggests. We don't do the time-outs though - as she will start getting upset again. She struggles with her emotions.

I try to get out of the room if I'm feeling as if I'm going to lose it. I think most people have lost it and shouted at their kids sometimes.

I don't know how I'd handle it if I was driving and she started screaming and kicking the seat. I would have to stop and get out of the car. It sounds like you mostly handled it really well.

My daughter has fewer melt downs now as she's got older, they don't last as long and are less intense - I'm better able to cope with them. It was about finding out what worked with her.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

chocolateworshipper and Cornishclio

My mum still has tantrums!

[Voice0fReason]

She didn't cope with how she felt so she had a tantrum.
You didn't cope with how you felt so you had a tantrum.
She reached her limit, you reached yours.
I'm not criticising you for that, we've all been there, but it's important that you understand that your reaction was exactly the same as hers. She is 6. There are going to be times when she doesn't have the capacity to deal with her emotions and you will see it in her behaviour. This is something you find difficult at times too. She isn't spoilt, you're a good mum, this is normal for her age. Being clear in advance what is going to happen and not happen will help her cope.

[Dljlr]

paranoidpammywhammy2 mine too

[GreenTulips]

I am definitely going to try setting expectations before we go anywhere

This in bucket loads

Plus - this is what we are going to do - this is what we aren't doing.

IF you moan complain whatever then you will get a warning andbwe will leave

Give the warning -

Take them home - no need to speak use actions

[shanefolan29]

It baffles me here how many people are saying it was wrong to shout-no it certainly is not. Clearly you cannot shout all the time but sometimes kids need putting in their place. She is 6 years old-not 2- and she knows right from wrong. This is why discipline has gone wrong these days because too many parents and authority figures mollycuddle kids.

Also it baffles me the amount of people making excuses for her behaviour, 6 is old enough to know mum is in charge and that no means no. Just because she did a day or a week at school does not justify tantrums. It really saddens me how society has gone, I am in my early 30s and when I was 6 I knew fine well not to have a tantrum with either parent or I would be made sorry and I respected them for that and did as I was told. This culture of making excuses for bad behaviour is everything that is wrong with society today, it did not happen years ago anywhere near as much.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Take no notice of walkingdead. As the saying goes. There's always one. Yes she's might have a point about the spolit behaviour. However there are nicer gentler ways to put things.
Dont feel guilty about shouting. She is after all 6. She's not a little toddler. I'd understand if your 2 year old had thrown a wobbler but not a 6 year old. She needed telling off

[Makeupfanatic]

No real advice other than to reinforce boundaries and stick to them, just like you did today. If you didn’t leave, she would have only continued to wail and ruin the outing so it was a good choice. Fair enough it was only golf today, but tomorrow it may be something way more expensive and she has to learn that she just can’t tantrum her way through life. Especially if you can’t really afford it

If anything - I think as hard as it gets, you should try and keep your cool as it automatically makes you seem unreasonable if you start shouting (on an extreme level) at her. Maybe she does certain things to elicit an reaction from you sort of thing, so it’s best not to retaliate and not give her the negative attention she’s after. Try not to let her anger you and take you to that level. If anything just to set an example for your other daughter (in the future) so she doesn’t learn the same behaviour

[CheshireChat]

shanefolan29 But imo a lot of the parents that do their best not to shout at children are exactly like that because they had shouty/ aggressive parents themselves and hated it.

As a general rule, what can shouting possibly achieve as opposed to talking or simply reinforcing boundaries? Nothing really, just make the kid feel bad about themselves and displaying unwanted behaviour (do as I say, not as I do style...).

And yes, I've occasionally shouted at my kid.