Is my DD spoilt or am i expecting too much?

[mumsy2015]

I picked my DD(6) up from school and took her along with my DD(2) to an ice cream parlour as a treat. They have a decent play area and a few animals you can look at. After buying them a large ice cream we went to play and my DD(6) wanted to do the crazy golf. I said no as DD(2) would be lethal with a golf club, i had already spent money on ice cream and there was plenty of free stuff to do.

She kept on and on about the golf so i said if it was mentioned again we would go home. Of couse she did so i said it was time to leave. She started crying so i sat her down on a bench and explained that it was spoiling things, i wouldn't change my mind about the golf and that we would sit for two minutes and she could calm down and decide whether to play on the free equipment or go home.

Two minutes later she is still wailing and crying about the golf so we left. In the car she was screaming and kicking my seat and i lost my temper and really shouted at her that she had spoilt what was supposed to be a nice treat. I feel so awful that i shouted but something like this happens every time we go out and i say no to anything.

AIBU to expect that we should be able to go out and not have tears and tantrums? And how on earth can i handle it better? I am not enjoying spending time with her at the moment and feel like a terrible parent.

@Walkingdeadfangirl stop trolling the OP.

If we all held a grudge and stopped being nice to our kids because they have frequent tantrums you'd spend the ages of 3-15 punishing them and by the same token yourself.

In my experience Friday is not a good day for after school treats, my DS is over tired and stroppy. I think how you handled it was fine, maybe stick to pjs/film/take away as Friday treat and trips out at weekend instead?

Thanks again for all the responses i really appreciate the advice. I have now said no more treats until the behaviour improves- a little late i realise. Perhaps it wasn't the best day- although not too hot she could be tired after school. I will need to work on keeping my cool and maybe avoid days out for a while.

OP sounds like you did everything right. Keep being firm and she should abandon the tantrums. Unfortunately we all lose the head a bit sometimes in such circumstances. Tomorrow is a new day.

Setting down the rules beforehand really helped mine understand where the limits were and the consequences if she cannot stay within those limits or she kicks the seats in the car. I'd move her car seat to the otherwise of the car, so she can't kick your car seat - that is too distracting for the driver.

sounds like she was just a bit overheated and disappointed. Boundaries are great and following through is really the right thing to do, so well done.

Only thing I would have done different is the shouting - by shouting you are modelling the behaviour for her - if you shout it is obviously ok to shout, so she will shout.

To hot?!?!?! Get a grip!!!

I agree though, don't shout when you are angry. I think shouting can be necessary sometimes but not shouting when you are angry. Particularly to a child who isn't paying any attention to the rules you are giving them anyway, there is no point. Its only expressing your frustrations and doesn't improve the situation at all.

This is my DD sometimes (too often). I know I spoil her and I'm trying to unpick years of letting her have her way too much.

You did well and well done on following through with a threat (and LOL at the lethal 2yo 😂)

PS we all shout. Don't feel bad

She was probably very tired from school and needed quiet and a good meal rather than a load of sugar in the ice cream and whole lot of over stimulation. Maybe save the ice creams for the weekend?

Having said that, she will gradually be getting a feel for what is okay and what is now, and will go through phases where this is just how it is. Take care there. You're doing a great job.

Yes its too hot for a 6 year old after a full week of school which will have included lots of running around outside in the sun in the last couple of days to then do an after school activity on a Friday. Not too hot to carry on with life, but hot enough you have to make allowances. Particularly when its come on so suddenly and kids aren't used to it yet.

I’d say she was hot and overtired from school. A day at school spent concentrating, doing as she’s told, children are on ‘high alert ‘ and can’t really cope with much afterwards.
Lovely of you to want to treat her and good on you for sticking to your word but that’s why she’s having tantrums, or most likely why.
You could say we’re going ‘here’ as a treat but this this and this costs money and you can choose one. That might work or might be too much- only you would know, but just remember a day at school, a week, month, it’s accumulative, takes its toll .

How often do you have to say no because of DD2? Friends with a similar age gap and they had similar issues until they realised that a lot of fun stuff for a 6 year old was denied as it was unsuitable for the younger sister and the older one had enough at one point.

They now they to either find attractions both can do, even if it means splitting up and also do things just with one of them.

Have you explained why golf wasn’t an option like you did in your post or did you just point blank refused? I find that explaining often helps to shorten the tantrum, they are old enough to know why.

Wow, replace the age of your daughter with age 7, and I could have written your post. I almost did a month ago.

It seems your daughter has a similar issue to mine, in that she massively overreacts to a situation. A month ago I sent my daughter to bed 5 minutes early after she did something she shouldn't have and then shouted at me. We had further shouting at me, stamping feet, throwing and kicking things and screaming, this went on for 50 minutes (40 minutes while she was in her room)! I genuinely didn't know what to do. I eventually ended up closing my bedroom door and crying. So naturally, this led to me reconsidering what I could have done differently.

Since then, we have had a few other mini versions. I have worked out a way to stop it, it works for my daughter. When a situations begins to go the wrong way, I get very close to her, hold her close so she is looking at me, and tell her to stop and explain in very simple words how her actions are making the situation worse, and explain to her the alternatives, at this point she usually starts crying as she cannot cope with the emotions inside her. She then cuddles me and will then serve out her punishment (usually a 7 minute timeout). Afterwards, she comes to see me, apologises and gives me another cuddle.

I put it down to simple emotional immaturity. She is lacking the coping mechanisms to deal with her emotions when things don't go her way. I am sure that by 7 she should have grown out of it, but emotionally she has always been behind her peers. Perhaps though, had I addressed this earlier, I could of helped her. This seems to be working now. These massive blow ups have been less frequent, they were 3 or 4 times a week at their worst, and we are down to them being weekly.

I am not claiming that this will work for you, I am no expert and not a master at this parenting thing. My husband and I am just learning as we go, without support or guidance as we are not close to our extended family. I came to this approach after recalling a conversation with another parent I met briefly who told me, that sometimes the most difficult behaviour comes out of a lack of security, and that she had done this with her 13 year old after a similar meltdown. It sounded crazy at the time...

Good luck.

I think you did well in the circumstances, don't feel bad.

It was boiling here today, my kids were exhausted and short-tempered after a few minutes of being home this afternoon, it was straight in, changed and sat down with an ice lolly for us.

A trip out would have been too much and it's not fair to put them into a situation they're very likely to not cope with very well, imo.

Exactly what Quartz said. She doesn't sound spoilt, more overwrought. You did the right thing not giving in, but don't let it overshadow now. I wouldn't be sending to rooms or whatever, because we all get carried away sometimes and the feeling we have done ourselves out of something, and that others are disappointed in us is awful. And that can lead to further bad behaviour when they feel they have little to lose.

6 is still very little. School is hard.

It's a really difficult one and I think most parents have been there before. The "must have" activity that causes a total fuss, and can't be calmed down. I don't know the answer, but I'd love a child psychologist's advice on what to do!!!!

You did absolutely fine, but I always feel sorry for the DCs who are behaving who then miss out although at 2yo your younger DD won't have realised. But there will come a time when it's not fair on the other one. Also there'll be a time when it's not possible to leave, e.g. half an hour into a theme park or day at the beach etc. If out with the family for the day you can't just pack up and leave every time.

Age helps. As they get older there's more reasoning with them, but 5-8yo can be just so persistent.

The only other advice I can offer is to pre-advise them of what's coming up. Say "We're going to the ice-cream parlour, but it's just for ice cream, there won't be any golf playing" and ask if they understand that.

I do the same for things like parties, family gatherings, days out etc. A bit of background just before we go in as to who's there, roughly what will happen, the sorts of things we'll be buying and what we won't. Eg the zoo "We're going to go in and see the animals. I've bought a packed lunch so we won't be going to the cafe, but we might be getting an ice cream near the end. Today we won't be going into the gift shop, as Mummy has spent her pennies on tickets and ice creams so there's none left over, but another time we might". I don't make it doom and gloom toned, it's meant to be fun not "here's what you didn't get" but I have found it avoids arguments about things like cafes and gift shops if we've said it won't happen right at the start when they are excited about the actual event coming up (as it should be).

This doesn't seem to be necessary for those rare, obedient, happy with anything DCs (I have one!) but for those DCs who get excitable, or impulsively want to do and buy and see and play etc (I have one of those too!) it's useful to plan ahead with them. Has avoided some flashpoint in the past.

Well, OK you lost it a bit in the car, but apart from that you did all the right things! Next time you take them out, try sitting her down beforehand, tell her what will/will not be happening, and that if there are any tantrums, she'll get to the count of 5 to calm down. If she doesn't, then you're all going home and she is going straight to bed (after supper), with no screens and lights out!
If this doesn't work after 2 or 3 times, maybe it's time to try telling her, you're taking little one out, and leaving her behind with daddy!

The shouting wasn't your best moment, but 6 year olds can be very trying so don't beat yourself up about it.

I think your DD was quite typical for a 6 year old - that sort of behaviour is not uncommon and the way to make it less likely in the future is to do what you did and go home. And I totally agree with the PPs saying not to let an outburst overshadow now.

If she is prone to this sort of thing at the moment, to make these sorts of outbursts less likely I would probably avoid that sort of stimulation at the end of a school week when she's likely to be at her most tired. Small trips with limited temptation for this sort of behaviour until she's matured enough to cope with more is probably your best bet for minimizing it. But you aren't in anyway a bad parent from your description in your OP.

My kids always behaved awfully at that age if I gave them lots of sugar.

Please don’t leave her behind as punishment and take out dd2, it sounds like you are already using dd2 as a reason not to do things and you don’t want to create a divide there

But one to one time done positively I think would help

I agree with the others saying she was probably a bit tired after school and that led to her bad behaviour. At 6 my dd didn't do well with any after school activities. Of course it was still bad behaviour but I think taking her straight home was punishment enough and I would leave it there.

You did well until you ‘really shouted’. That was a mistake.

I would have done the same as you, give a clear warning, possibly give a second clear warning with details of the consequence, follow through with the consequence. I may have shouted too if DC was really screaming or shouting while I was driving especially if I could immediately pull over. It’s not the right thing to do but I’m not perfect!

I would also talk everything through with your daughter when I got home in a calm way. I’d have got her to make suggestions as to how she could handle things next time. Id also give her a quick reminder before the next outing as to what your expectations of her are and ask her what she can do to help ensure she behaves.

I think I was very consistent with my punishments with my kids. I almost never said something and didn’t follow through even if it was a pain in the arse for me to do it. The punishments were consistent and simple. Generally a day ban for screens. It worked well for my kids and generally they were really well behaved.

Nothing to add other than I think I know the ice cream place!! It is rotten when they sabotage trips out!

You shouted in the car. I'm sure we've all shouted at our children a time or two. The main thing is that your DD misbehaved and you enforced the consequences.