AIBU to think some people just aren’t capable of losing weight and being healthy?

[Parrothead]

I feel so discouraged. My whole life I’ve teetered on the brink of being overweight but managed to stay in the “curvy but normal” category. I never really did anything to maintain that, it was just because I was young, I guess. I have always despised any form of exercise, and I’ve tried them all. Now I’m 40 and I’m 4 stone overweight and incredibly unhealthy. I feel disgusting and I don’t want to leave the house. I have a significant family history of heart disease and at the rate I’m going I’ll be another one to keel over from a heart attack in my 50s. I love my children so much and I want to be there for them. I also know the pain I felt when I lost my own parents and I want to spare them that as long as possible.

I’m embarrassed to say this but time and money are not an issue (within reason.) I have a lovely, supportive DH who somehow still thinks I’m beautiful. He is very active and would love for me to join him but he doesn’t care about my weight. My children are in school, I work p/t mostly from home and I can comfortably afford a gym membership, healthy meal delivery, personal trainer, etc. I’ve tried all of these things but I know in the end it has to come from me. Why can’t I do this for my children, if not for myself? I feel like I’m wasting my life. I know this is a total defeatist attitude but it just feels like I have so far to go to be healthy and happy with my body that even if I start something I won’t be able to keep it up long enough to get there. I really do want to change my whole way of life, not just a temporary diet. But does this ever really happen? Does a person like me who let it get to this point really have the ability to completely turn it around?

I spend so much time thinking about this but I can’t seem to translate it into action. I have ADD (inattentive type, not hyperactive) and I take medication that should inhibit my appetite but it doesn’t really. I’m also on an anti-depressant that I do think has helped, but maybe not enough. (It did not cause the weight gain though, that was there before.) In general I’m absolutely awful at sticking to any type of plan, schedule, or habit. It’s like I’m just unable to force myself to be uncomfortable. Tbh it takes so much willpower to just get my work done, get the kids where they need to be and do the minimum of housework. But I see so many people making healthy choices and it’s hard to believe they are all stronger than I am, but maybe they are.

I obsess about this constantly. It almost feels like if I knew for a fact that I would be like this for the rest of my life I could just accept it and try to make the best of it and enjoy whatever time I have. I know some people manage to make truly major changes in their lives, but maybe some of us just aren’t capable of that and we need to accept it. (More defeatist attitude I know.)

TL;DR— AIBU to think I’m not strong enough to change my life and be healthy?

[HPFA]

The people who have commented here about making small steps are absolutely right. First thing, have a look at all the foods and drink you are taking in during a week then have a think about which ones you really like and which you aren't too bothered about. If those in the latter category are unhealthy then decide what you can replace them with. Over time do the analysis again and put some more of the food into the "can be replaced category". At the same time think about foods that are healthy and that you actually like but for some reason don't eat much. Add those to your diet.

This is how I switched to a healthier diet (I'm naturally skinny but had used this as an excuse to eat unhealthily for too long)It worked because I was in control and wasn't eating a diet that was forced on me - it was based on my own likes and dislikes.

[FlouncyDoves]

Well done firefly amazing change.

It really is as simple as eating fewer calories (and from healthy sources) and exercising more.

You just have to want to do it. If you don’t you’ll die in your 50s (as stated in your OP). It’s up to you.

I’m currently down to just under 17st having been 20st 7lbs last Jan. got down to 17.5st before plateauing and after Xmas (went back up to 18st 3lbs) chose to drop more. My ultimate target is to be 15st 7lbs which means I’d be a healthy weight (very tall bloke). I’ll get there by summer.

[FlouncyDoves]

And it’s not that hard.

A decent bowl of porridge with some fruit for breakfast. Fruit for a mid morning snack if needed. Something healthy for lunch (soups in winter, salads in summer, omelettes etc) then a decent dinner meal eaten relatively early. Aim for around 1500 calories a day (500 under the limit for an average sized woman) and you’ll lose a few pounds a week.

But yes. You have to cut out coke, chocolate, crisps etc (or exercise morenon the days you eat them).

[Bubba1234]

I totally agree with babyspider.
The emotional factor is huge.
Some people that carry their weight around it’s their protector. They eat to comfort themselves. It becomes a vicious circle.

[Lucked]

If you consider taking up going for walks can I suggest podcasts and audiobooks, left with my own thoughts I can often be very negative on myself whilst exercising either I should be doing something else (messy house, work projects) or I think about my poor fitness and body. With an audiobook I can concentrate on that and push everything else aside

I do understand OP I was always slim with no effort and now I am overweight I have been Yo-yo dieting. In the middle of it all I am fine, it is my new way of life and I can live like this for life ( low carb high fat, low GI, 5:2). Then I slip and it can take me months to get started again.

[LayerShortOfALasagne]

The first step is hard I know (classes) but once you’ve done it wow the feeling is incredible. I find that putting on my gym gear helps me get in the zone.

I’ve recently found spinning and I can literally feel it shredding my body. You can take it at your own pace - it’s dark and full of all shapes and sizes. I’ve heard of women losing serous amounts of weight going 3 times a week

You can do this

Plus my overall energy has increased massively. There are NO negatives to exercise

@Firef1y it’s great to see this - you look an absolute picture of health, strength and vitality. A perfect example of how wonderful your body is - and how forgiving. You turned your life around and you should rightly. E enormously proud of yourself

[GaraMedouar]

firefly - well done. How did you change your mindset though. Like, I don’t know , picking in the evenings , not ‘cracking’ and shovelling down a whole packet of hobnobs after a stressful day. I know exactly what to eat to be slim, and can do it for a time and then I crack, fall off the wagon and back to square one . It’s normally due to emotional reasons or stress.

[LayerShortOfALasagne]

I don’t buy anything like that anymore but if I go out to eat I have whatever I want. This helps massively. I won’t deny sometimes being frustrated if I go rummaging and nothing tickles my fancy; however if I have a couple of nuts or a couple of tablespoons total Greek yog (full fat) with frozen blueberries it soon passes. Ultimately though it’s up to you

[LayerShortOfALasagne]

A humble carrot should not be underestimated in terms of sweet satisfaction too

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

A humble carrot should not be underestimated in terms of sweet satisfaction too

Bless you, that just makes me want to eat a snickers, it really does.

[LayerShortOfALasagne]

😂😂

[BlueSkyBurningBright]

If you feel that you are emotional eating and lacking in motivation, you could try a diet/food therapist. There you investigate your relationship with food, look at why you are eating food that makes you fat when you say that you want to loose weight.

I found I was overeating because I was eating what my DH liked, and wanted to keep him happy. I changed to eating what I want, and some other changes too mainly in my attitude to myself and found I started to loose weight. Lost over a stone, without any rules or omitting types of food.

[TheHuntingOfTheSarky]

Bariatric surgery is also an option. I've had a gastric bypass. Best thing I ever did.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Firef1y that’s amazing. Well done.

I’m similar op and for me, the easiest thing is to not eat. If I eat breakfast, I crave food all day long.
So, I skip breakfast, which is actually ok if Im busy. Eat at 1, eat again mid afternoon, have dinner at 6.30 then stop eating at 7. Go to bed early if i have to.
It’s a bit miserable to start off with but it’s the only thing that works for me and i end up eating a ‘normal’ amount of food for a day.
I also find I lose weight if I stop eating bread.

[flumposie]

Another vote for small steps over a period of time. I'm 46 and it was only last September that something finally clicked with me. I already had a fitbit and saw that during the week I was hitting 10000 steps as I walk to work. I then read about my fitness pal and for the first time ever started logging what I eat. I now walk as much as possible whenever possible. Do 10 minutes of exercise at home everyday (sit ups etc) and very slowly but surely I have lost nearly 2 stone. It's only now people have noticed as I was still wearing my old clothes. I know people who have lost the same weight as me much quicker following slimming world etc but I feel changing my eating habits ever so slightly with a bit of regular exercise is more manageable in the long run.

[PatchworkGirl]

I have NEVER been interested in exercise (apart from walking, which I used to enjoy) and found the motivation to move really lacking. I was also 'lucky' enough to never put on weight until my late 30s. I rarely shop for clothes so tbh it was a bit of a shock to find myself almost 2 sizes bigger than 'my size'. I think in my head I was still a reasonably active size 10/12.

I have been seeing a PT since Jan and the only reason I go to some sessions was because I've booked, paid, and arranged a time to be there. I initially booked sessions twice a week (because I knew I'd just not bother in between). If money is not an issue will a regular PT work for you if you commit in advance? Twice or three times weekly, paid and arranged beforehand? I find the timing of these is also important for me - I know I won't bother with an evening fitness class but if I book for the morning then I will get up and just do it.

Having a PT is almost like putting some of the responsibility onto someone else as they are tracking you and telling you what to do for every step - I like this as I can pass the judgement about what I am capable of over to an 'expert'. It's harder to quit an exercise when it hurts because I know they will only ask me to do things I am capable of even if it feels like I can't at the time (does that make sense?). I also haven't got the old excuse of not doing it at all because I'm probably doing it 'wrong'!

It is hard to find the motivation and I know how hopeless it feels when you keep making false starts (I have started and 'failed' at this stuff so many times - classes, C25K, yoga etc.). Especially when there are no quick results - ten weeks into regular gym and I've lost no weight, I don't think I've changed shape, but I do know I'm getting just a little bit stronger. I am starting to enjoy my now three times weekly gym sessions but still find it really hard to get going and am still inclined to put them off - 'I'll go tomorrow' - especially after a few days off. I think it's all about habit and creating new habits is really, really hard.

[windchimesabotage]

make small everyday changes that you are likely to stick with rather than go on any really structured diet.
For example walking is an easy one. Make sure you walk for at least 30mins a day. You dont even need to time it just find a route you can do that you enjoy walking and do that whenever you can. Sometimes the more limits you set yourself and the more you push yourself the more easily fed up you will become. So i think its about finding things that you enjoy or things that you can change without difficulty.
The swapping sugary drinks for diet drinks is an easy one, real butter for marge, generally trying to eat more fruit and veg but not setting targets... the more veg you fill yourself with the less hungry you were generally be when it comes to more unhealthy things. Eating proper meals at regular intervals really helps because when you are on a strict diet the inclination to binge eat increases massively. If you eat full meals regularly the temptation to binge on crap goes down.

You know even things like cleaning or walking up and down the stairs are helpful. Just walk up and down the stairs a couple of extra times a day when you remember about it. It may be a slow journey to loose weight but dont get disheartened, the slower it is the more likely it is to be permanent weight loss.

[HermionesRightHook]

Would starting very small help? I'm not a big fan of the JOIN A GYM DO ALL THE EXERCISES approach as it's too much too soon, and going from 0 to 300 tends to result in my getting injured really quickly.

Building long walks into your day is an excellent way to do this - sturdy shoes and an audiobook to keep you entertained are small investments that may help.

Annoyingly exercise is supposed to help ADD type symptoms - I had a quick google and found a guide that might be of interest? www.addcenters.com/articles/get-moving-the-adhd-workout-how-to-start-and-maintain-your-exercise-program

Good luck with it, it's a thing I really struggle with as well, but being fit is important to me so I struggle on. It's easier once you've done more exercise as you know you can do it, if you see what I mean.

[WonderLime]

In regards to exercise, just starting your activity is 9/10 of the hard work done. I've always found it easier to do exercise within 20 mins of getting out of bed - quite literally up, brush teeth, dress and exercise. It's easier to start with the right intention than try to muster motivation later in the day.

And a lot of exercise really isn't pleasurable whilst you are doing it. I do a lot of HIIT and I hate it! I curse, grimace, pant and whine. But I end up feeling so good afterwards (mentally) that I carry that attitude into the next day.

[rainbowfudgee]

I agree it's a complex issue. I've been slightly overweight most of my adult life. I'm very short so it piles on quickly. Recently I managed to get down to the healthy weight category and I felt so much better.

For me the main thing was cutting out alcohol completely. I didn't have a drink prob lem but had a couple of bottles of wine in total throughout the week- couple of glasses a day.

I found once I'd quit alcohol (which was OK following the one day at a time mantra) I craved sugar less. I ate better and slept better. I had more energy to go swimming which I love.

Recently I've been drinking moderately again and it's piled back on. I have flu at the moment and can't drink so hopefully this is the kick start I need to drop the wine again.

Can you take your DC out and run around, walk to the park etc? Walk them to school or toddler group? Then build up to a more fast pace exercise? Dance classes are fab- nobody cares if you look like a prat, they're too worried about doing the moves. Ice skating? Dry slope skiing? Find an activity you love.

[misscockerspaniel]

Firef1y gosh, your story is amazing.

ParrotHead As others have said, take things slowly. The fitter you get, the more exercise you will want (and I mean want) to do.

You need to make exercise a habit eg every Monday after doing the school run, go for a 30 minute swim. Once you get into the habit, the rest will follow.

[mumsiedarlingrevolta]

I was in a very similar position to you OP.

Had big menopausal weight gain and wasn't happy in my skin but pretty half hearted about doing anything. Just told myself I wasn't vain and bought bigger jumpers but felt rubbish.

Then Christmas 2016 in one week I got a notice for a mammogram, had a chest infection and dr discovered I had very high blood pressure.

I looked at my kids and thought enough is enough.

Did Dry january to kick start, started walking more and started yoga.
My weakness is carbs, so in the house I don't have bread or potatoes. No red meat. I also gave up diet coke. Added in lots of green veg and healthy choices.

Now over a year since I started and I lost over 4 stone. I walk a lot and eat much better. I was in a size 16 jeans and just bought a pair of size 10. I just think it's a lot about choices-I choose differently now because I never want to gain that weight back.
I feel great and powerful.
You can absolutely do it-but only when you are ready...

[Flupi]

For me the key is to like what I do in the way of exercise. Walking. I like walking, it gives me time to zone out, make plans, process stuff, with the benefit of fresh air, (or not, you can walk around a city). A Fitbit is a good idea to give you a target. Walking can be slow and gentle, and then as you get fitter, faster with hills. If you like dogs, borrow one to walk ( borrow my doggy.com)
Same with food. I do a rough weekly plan, eating healthy nutritious food Monday to Thursday/Friday but food I like and then on the weekends I tell myself that I can eat anything, but generally don’t overindulge too much. It’s knowing I can have that bit of chocolate on the weekend that makes it much easier to stick to a more healthy diet in the week.
Yes to eating smaller portions if you eat a lot of pasta or lasagne etc. but you can eat piles of veg.
If I had lots of money I would engage a pt but they’ve got to put together a plan that you enjoy otherwise you won’t stick to it.
It’s easier if you don’t work from home because you can take your food to work and when it’s gone it’s gone.
Try very hard to kick the sweet tooth. Sugary fizzy drinks are ludicrous and most shop bought biscuits and cakes will taste too sweet after time. I do realise this is much easier said than done but it really is true.
Above all you’ve got to really want to do it, but set yourself small goals at a time. Good luck.

[rainbowfudgee]

Something else that works for me: find healthy food you enjoy and savour it. Eg rice cakes make me gag so I won't eat them; spinach and grilled mushrooms on toast, yes. Avocado salad, yes. Porridge with fresh fruit, yes. Eating real food nor processed is the way forward: stir fry, wraps, pasta with Veggie sauces. .. if you enjoy it you will keep it up and not feel deprived.

[TonTonMacoute]

Of course you are capable, but for some reason that final trigger, the one that actually makes you get up and get on with it, hasn’t clicked in your head yet.

Forget gyms and personal trainers, for the time being anyway, and try not to think of the target as losing 4 stone. Set yourself an easy goal first, something you have absolutely no excuse not to do. Make yourself go for a walk for half an hour next week, and when you have done it, you have started, you just need to carry on.

Firef1y’s incredible story shows that huge change is possible, starting with the simplest effort.