To make DS2 go to the same high school as his elder sibling?

[Theromanempire]

It is a couple of years off yet but DS2 (year 4) is upset because he will have to go to a high school he doesn't want to go to. The only reason is because his close friends are all going to a different one. I get that and I do feel awful because he does struggle to make friends.

However, the high school he wants to go to is totally impractical as it is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where I need to be to get on the motorway to get to work so would add 40 minutes on to my journey if I was to take him and we couldn't pick him up. We can't really justify additional bus fares either.

The high school DS1 goes to is within walking distance/on my way to work so totally practical. There isn't much in between the quality of the 2 schools (both aren't great but the quality of schools in the town isn't great anyway). We didn't even consider the school he wants to go to for DS1 because of the impracticality of it plus it is in a really rough part of town.

Plus for purely selfish reasons I want them to be at the same school so they have the same holidays etc.

I am fed up of having the same conversation with DS2 about it and he triggers my guilt every time as I know he will struggle to settle without his close friends. But then again, how many children remain in the same friendship groups anyway??

AIBU?

[Dungeondragon15]

But many may not, or may widen their circle to include other friends, so they spend less time with the first group.

Yes, but having friend already makes it a lot easier to make other friends if you not someone who finds it easier to make friends. It also means that secondary school is a lot less stressful when you first go there.

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

Surely you select whichever school is best for your child (which includes friendship factors), not which is more convenient for you OP?

[Bekabeech]

Which country are you in? Asking because of Bacon Butties at morning break - I can't imagine they match the food standards.

I'd be more concerned over DS2s lack of friends. Tell him you will reconsider when it gets closer to the time. And probably get DS1 to discuss how friendships change, and how he doesn't see people from primary school as much.
I would also check out about the cost of bus fares, and how far it is to walk - my DC all walked 40 minutes to get to school when they started secondary.

[Jessikita]

The compromise we made with our stepson, when he moved in with us and didn’t want to go to the catchment school was he had to get himself there and back. He cycles now and it’s great, he keeps fit and has fresh air daily. It’s 3 miles from us.

[delilahbucket]

My dp was sent to the same school as his sister, but his friends weren't going there. He never really settled and dropped out at 15.
I was sent to a school miles away from all my friends. I never settled and hated it.
Please consider your son's wishes.

[BackforGood]

Many secondary schools keep children together if they are friends. Many of those who are friends in Y7 and primary school remain friends

and many more deliberately separate them so all dc are starting fresh and ready made friendship groups don't exclude those dc coming in to the school on their own.
I remember in dd1's year, there were 11 who went to her secondary from her Primary so they put them 2 in each form (well, I guess 1 form must have had 3... I can count, honest ).
ds actually was in a form with someone he was quite friendly with at Primary, but they both made new friends and didn't really bother with each other after the first week or two.

[Dungeondragon15]

and many more deliberately separate them so all dc are starting fresh and ready made friendship groups don't exclude those dc coming in to the school on their own.

Perhaps it depends on area. Certainly where we live, the children are put in the same form as friends from primary school. The same thing happend when I went to secondary school, in a different area many years ago. Perhaps OP should find out what happens in the school her son wants to go to.

[HermionesRightHook]

I think your reasons are totally valid, but emotions can run high and be very difficult to deal with when you're ten. He's obviously really worried about it or he wouldn't keep bringing it up, and I worry that if you shut him down over it it might actually entrench the idea that you're being mean to him for your own convenience. I'm not saying you are, at all, I'm saying that's what he might start to feel.

If you haven't already, next time he brings it up, could you take a different tack and really listen to his concerns and ask him probing questions about how he feels, without saying 'but that won't work because...' and then explain your equally valid concerns to him? Lay it out for him how much impact the extra journey/bus fares/time etc. would have, and what it would mean going without - no clubs, no treats at the weekend, whatever it would be. Just ask him to think about it, and about all the advantages for both of you of the nearer school, and say you'll do the same, and that you can discuss it again when it's nearer the time.

That way he will at least feel like he's been heard and taken seriously, even if the end result is you saying it has to be a nearer school.

[honeyroar]

Could you engineer his social life a bit over the next year so that he spends more time with the other boys in his class that would be going there, or join some clubs that are at the new school end of town? Expand his world a little before the decisiion comes up.

Could you also suggest that if he tries it and really hates it he would be able to choose?

My stepson went to a school out of the area and his social life and after school life suffered a bit as he always had to be driven and we couldn't always get him home, fed and back for things like scouts with his friends and he didn't want to go to the local one as none of his friends were there.

[PickleFish]

I don't think the argument of wanting them at the same school to make things easier, same holiday etc holds much weight - if it's in the same city, they will have the same half terms and holidays almost certainly, and if they are academies that are linked, then quite likely many of the same teacher-training days or other random days off. And for much of secondary ,they will be sorting out what to do on days off on their own anyway, without you or their sibling.

Parents evenings, events, shows, etc are often on different days for different year groups anyway, as the schools are much bigger than primary. So you are just as likely to have conflicts or not with that whether separate schools or the same.

For a shy child, it can make the world of difference to be starting a school knowing a few people to hang out with, even if those friendships don't last. It's not always great long term - sometimes a clean start can really help - but there is definitely something to be said for the confidence that it can bring in the first few days of knowing you're not on your own.

i'd at least listen to him, think about his arguments, see what he think about the whole package of pros and cons (including getting up early, difficulty getting back after school after standard times, possibly having to pay some towards bus ,etc). And then make the decision closer to the time. Even if you ultimately choose the other school, he will hopefully feel that he's been listened to at least..