to want to take my offer back - are we all being unreasonable??

[LowFatMilkshake]

DH and I are part of a group of couples who are good friends and one way or another have known each over a decade. All bar one couple, (who have waited to have children) we all have children, most under 5.

The couple without children are now expecting and we are all delighted for them. But we found out that neither of thier parents have offered to buy anything for the baby, although it is the first grandchild.

The pregnant wife has asked one of us to accompany her to an second hand sale recently to help her spot things she might need, she also bought some things from a second hand shop. We dont have anything against getting stuff second hand as we all do it in our group, but we're surprised that she has done it for thier first baby, especailly with things like newborn clothes. As I guess like most mums the rest of us were all a bit prescious with the first, especially in the first few weeks and months, and wanted to get as much as possible new.

The PG wife also said her budget for the sale was proceeds from other stuff they have sold

We've told them, when they asked what things we feel were essential, such as a bed, travel and changing stuff etc. But at the sale the DW spent more money on toys etc and apparently did'nt really look at the other sort of stuff. But we just put this down to her being abit overwhelmed and unsure.

Anyway, we all felt sorry for them as we did'nt realise money was so tight. And so we've have given them a few bits we no longer need, and have made further offers of travel systems, bouncy chairs and moses baskets, sterillisers, linen and towels etc. And once baby arrives I am sure a load of clothes will also be offered from whomever has the same sex baby.

But talking amongst ourselves we have found out the the DH has just been away for the weekend clubbing with other friends. And the DW is having a jewellery party?!

Now we cant help feel a bit funny that all our offers of stuff, which were made because we thought they were a bit hard up are being accepted and yet they are still spending money on other things that are really not the sort of stuff you should be worrying about when a baby is on the way and money is an issue.

In truth, most of us cold actually keep what we have and sell it to raise money for our own families which we would use to buy more stuff we need. Or in some of our cases keep the things in case we have another baby

AWBU?!

possibly. jewellery party is probably a way for her to make money - as I understand it the hostess gets a commission - say 5 or 10% on whatever is ordered! also DH may have been read the riot act and been told he won't be able to do the clubbing after the birth.

Yes you are being unreasonable

I think if they are having a first baby they should get is as much clubbing as possible

And jewellery parties are partly to make money for the host aren't they?

I bought everything second hand for my first, including clothes, buying new seemed a waste - we weren't POOR but would rather spend money on nice things like going out for meals

I would offer her any things you have that you don't need (do you REALLY intend to sell them, with all the hassle that goes with that?) and just give it in the spirit of generosity with no strings attached

I'd say that you should stick to the offer once it has been made though I appreciate fully the points that you've made about spending on non-essentials and socialising. I'd be a bit miffed but that's what I would do.

The party is commission off products she buys so she still has outlay - know this as I had party first.

DH goes clubbing monthly apparently. In fact until DW was PG they both went - together.

Is she hosting the party?
I host parties on occassion, can never afford to buy anything though, I hold them for the social aspect. If people buy things at the party I get free gifts or a big discount/half price items.

If she intends to buy jewellery she could have been given the money for it as a present.

But imho, my priority is baby things, 'me' things are not overly important.

I dont actually think any of us would actually go back on our offers - in the spirit of friendship and generosity, but we cant help feeling as SimplySparkling says miffed!

But... there's nothing wrong in going clubbing! People need to have a life you know, especially with a baby on the way!

What is wrong with a jewellery party? It sounds as though she is hoping to make some money.

If you wish to take your offer back then yes, you are all being unreasonable, sorry. I would hate it if a 'friend' was peering over my shoulder and tutting at my financial decisions. If you don't need the stuff anymore then what in earth is the big deal in lending/giving it to her?

Sorry, thread has moved on since I opened it. My brain is too slow for MN.

You are all keeping quite a close eye on her behaviour - don't feel got at, but I must say I find the moralising edge to your view of her buying second-hand things and of what they spend their money on a little odd.

Has she actually said they're hard up, or are you just assuming it?

Oh, and ds lives in second-hand stuff (most lent from friends), and this was especially the case as a newborn.

I think that you should have offered the stuff because you wanted to help out, regardless of their finances, because it makes sense to pass on short lived baby items and because they are your friends.

No I do not think you can take the stuff or the offer back.

I think that you are not only being unreasonable, but somewhat judgemental. Sorry.

When I've had jewellary parties the commision has paid formy order, so maybe she just wants to buy something nice for herself to make herself feel better, without actually spending money on it.

I agree berolina. Nowt wrong with second hand baby stuff - the woman sounds very wise!

DH goes out once every 2 months or so, I go out much less than that.

They didn't actually ask you for anything though did they.

Surely they can spend their money on whatever they want.

Their priorities are just different from yours.

Nothing wrong with second hand stuff for any baby, be it your first or fifth.

Babies can be bottomless pits when it comes to spending money, but most of the things bought are not really neccessities.

Yes you are, and I do hope she never finds out what you are saying behind her back. Your post has made me feel really sad for all sorts of reasons.

Firstly, so what if she isn't buying new stuff. She's seen all of you going through PFB syndrome, and has realised that you don't need to buy everything new

I'd go onto secondly but tbh, I'm sure other people have made the points far better than I could and I know I'm feeling unreasonably p'd off with this.

How can you be so judgemental and call yourself her friend, lord help her if she decides to use different parenting methods too, her ears will be scarlet!

Bloody hell!
With friends like you lot who needs enemies!

I bought loads for my 2 secondhand when they were little, half the stuff they only use/wear a few times. It's a waste of money to buy things like Moses baskets or swinging cribs new. If they are going down to one income perhaps they are budgeting for the future.

maybe she is green and likes stuff to be reused, its enviromentally friendly.

Your certainly not being graceful. It is the nice thing to give your friend the things you have.

If you don't need the stuff, why not give it to her? If you need to sell it for your financial reasons, then do so. Surely donating a bit of second baby kit isn't dependent on her behaving a certain way.

i would equate this to giving to charity

first, don;t give if you cannot afford it

second, don;t give with one hand and take away with the other ! if you really cannot spare stuff and need to sell it to raise money for yourself, don;t give it