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AIBU?

AIBU to not change dd’s surname?

95 replies

Emboo19 · 01/02/2018 22:08

DD has my surname although I did offer to double barrel with her dads when she was born. At the time he said he wasn’t bothered, had no real attachment to his surname (it’s his dad’s who he doesn’t see) and was happy for her to have mine.

Before we separated it had started to bother him and we’d talked about if we married he’d change his name to mine and dd’s. Now we’ve split he’s been asking if I’ll change her surname and double barrel it to include his. I did say I’d consider it and he keeps asking, but I don’t want to.
I’m not a fan of double barrelled names and I like how her name sounds, as it is.
Plus a few weeks ago he was moving country, now he’s not! Then he was moving city, now he’s not! I do think that’s probably all to mess with me and not that he’ll actually leave her, but it doesn’t help his case.

He asked again tonight and I really want to tell him I’m not changing it and that’s that. But I feel a bit guilty and don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable. I’d be upset not to have the same name as her, but then I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place.

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tomatosalt · 04/02/2018 12:36

I also meant to add that I often need to get a certified copy of the deed poll to prove the name change.

Emboo19 · 04/02/2018 13:33

Well he brought her home on time so that’s something. He had a chat with my dad (my mum won’t engage with him). He said he feels like I make all the decisions and he gets no say and some other rubbish. My dad’s very laid back and they always got on, but he was a bit and he told him a few home truths, that I think my ex was a bit shocked and embarrassed by.

Anyway all I’ve heard from him since is that he’ll finish early and collect her from nursery on Wednesday and he’ll text me once he’s got her so I know. And he needed new clothes for her at his and that’s the only reason he didn’t give me extra money this week (I never even asked about it!) but him having her extra won’t effect what he normally gives me. And I replied ok!

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Emboo19 · 04/02/2018 13:40

Oh I know it’s a pain tomatosalt I was originally given my mums surname, but was only ever known by my dads. Although they never legally changed it. I changed it before I had dd as I’ve never gone by my birth certificate surname so it doesn’t feel like mine and I wanted her to have the name I use. Plus my parents were married by then and my mum had changed hers.

I’ve no interest in marrying and even if I did, I’m not changing my name and any future partner will have to be ok with any future children having my name. So dd won’t ever be left out or different.

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FizzyGreenWater · 04/02/2018 13:47

Oh it's this arsewipe again.

So much to say but OP, if I were you I would focus on one thing. The odds are absolutely overwhelming that this shitbag will be out of you and your DD's life within a year once he finds a new partner/has a new baby.

Get every single one of those texts in place in a timeline with a detailed outline of every bit of crap he's pulled, and present this as the reason why you don't want to change her name to even a double barrel - that his behaviour time and time again has shown that he is unreliable, inconstant and hasn't shown himself to be a good father except when it suits. Be direct - you personally think it's unlikely that he will stick around, and although you would be ok with adding his name into her name as a secodn middle name to maintain the link, you do not agree to the content of her surname changing as that will possibly make life more difficult for you and her.

He'll be gone, though, at some point. So just keep on doing what you're doing now and every time he kicks off or tries to dictate, calmly tell him that as a separated parent who currently gets a lot of flexibility with access and a co-parent who is willing to work around things like overtime, he should really be careful what he wishes for. That the second he tries flexing his muscles and talking contact order, you'll be saying, bring it on - go on, I dare you to ask for fixed days and more time. You'll get them, and I'll fucking hold you to them!

tomatosalt · 04/02/2018 14:01

That sounds very reasonable OP. Ultimately you’re going to be the one dealing with nursery, schools, extra curriculars. Make your life easier and dig your heels in RE her name!

Emboo19 · 04/02/2018 14:06

A part of me wishes that will happen to be honest Fizzy. And I really though we’d have a new girlfriend on the scene by now, although I don’t think he’ll have more kids. But then I feel guilty as dd loves him and he is good when he’s got her. He always does something with her, he takes her swimming every week and she’s well looked after, no coming home overtired, dirty, fed on junk or anything. And I know that doesn’t make him Dad of the year, just a parent and I manage the same every day of the week. But reading some things on here, I feel thankful that I don’t have to worry about those things at least.

His mum thinks he’s seeing his dad and that’s maybe where the pushing with the surname as come from. But I don’t know and I’m not getting involved in that!

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Emboo19 · 05/02/2018 20:27

What a surprise he can’t do picking her up from nursery on Wednesday, he’s realised he’d have to miss football he can’t finish work early after all. At least he’s told me now and she won’t have to spend a longer day in nursery than necessary.
It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking annoying. I wish he’d just admit that he’s happy being a weekend dad, having her one night, doing something nice with her then handing her back. She’s happy, he’s happy and if he can do that without bothering me, I’d be happy.

I’ve got a solicitors appointment on Thursday, so I can at least see where I stand. Although I don’t think he’ll actually do anything.

I do need to look at him coming round to do bed time though, it’s fine while we’re at my parents. But once I’m in my own house, I’m not sure I want him coming round two nights a week.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 20:38

Keep the message from him saying he can't pick up from nursery that day. Or make a note of it yourself.
You are well within your rights to say you feel it is inappropriate for him to be coming round your house twice a week, esp as you have offered him an overnight in the week. Not your problem if he prioritises other things can't do it.

llangennith · 05/02/2018 20:40

Why are you even thinking about it? He doesn’t deserve any consideration at all.

OptimisticHamster · 05/02/2018 20:47

I remember when he was definitely moving to Australia. All this is about him, not his daughter. So keep on doing what's best for her and ignoring him. At some point he will almost certainly pop out of her life.

Just make sure this lawyer is good. I think he will be surprised that you are taking it seriously.

GandalfTheGoat · 05/02/2018 20:50

Good luck with the solicitor OP, hope it all goes well.

Just to add another input, one of my friends went to see a solicitor because his DS' mum had changed DS' last name without his permission. The solicitor advised him he could go to court and ask for it to be changed back but likely the judge wouldn't force the mum to change it back, only double-barrel both names.

Likely your ex wouldn't do this but it is possible so good you're seeing a solicitor. FWIW, the mum in that situation is the RP though, not sure if that made a difference when it came to actually changing it. My friend (the dad) wasn't even notified.

TabbyMumz · 05/02/2018 22:02

If you change her name and you will have a different name to her, you will need written permission from him every time you want to take her abroad.

Emboo19 · 05/02/2018 22:22

Oh I’m keeping all messages IWanna and when his mates tag him in at football on Wednesday, I’ll screen shot that as well.

I was fine on him being around and we were getting on well at first, I really thought we could be friends. But I’m really, really pissed off with him and how he jumped to seeing a solicitor and trying to make out I’m some controlling ex who limits his contact. I’ve been trying to get him more involved since the day she was born and I’ve done everything possible to make it as easy as possible for him to maintain a relationship with her, despite it been difficult having to see him and act like everything was ok when we first split up.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2018 09:55

Time to stop making so much effort. Sad to say but you cannot make him be a good dad, not matter how much effort you put in. If he wants to be a good father, then he will do whatever it takes - he will willingly give up hobbies so he can see her, rearrange work if he can, pay proper child support.
You have done everything right. You have offered him good access, but you have to put your child first. You are right to stop him from having whatever he wants at the expense of your child's best interests.

Emboo19 · 06/02/2018 17:25

I know IWanna and I have taken a massive step back from him and limited contact to just about dd. But then he starts stuff like this!!

It’s difficult as we can get on really well. But I think it’s just too soon for us to be friends. I can fake it till I make it, but he just can’t do that. If I’m nice he wants us to get back together, if I try reduced contact I get him doing stuff for attention!
I can’t win!!!

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LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 06/02/2018 17:34

He sounds a total flake who doesn’t even know what he wants. I wouldn’t bother changing your daughter’s name at all.

Emboo19 · 06/02/2018 17:51

He knows what he wants LittleMy. He wants me to take him back and then he can see dd every night and still do his hobbies and he’d be doing the ‘parenting thing’ but getting the reward of the girlfriend with it.

But he had his shot at that and blew it!!

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Emboo19 · 10/02/2018 15:57

Just a quick update.

I met with a solicitor who was lovely and seemed to know her stuff. Although the advice was similar to what I’d already received on here, only I had to pay for hers. I do know that he’s also been to see someone, although he’s not told me. I’m hoping he’s been told it’s a waste of time/money. But I guess I just wait and see now, he’d have to go to mediation first and my solicitor knows what I’d be saying in that and agrees it seems fair.
I’m very tempted to ask him but don’t want him to know how I know

He’s being very nice now though, offered to have dd all next weekend as I’m going away with new bf. And gave extra money this week to make up for last.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/02/2018 21:08

Tread carefully. I suspect anything 'nice' he is doing, is with a view to strengthening his own case. People who are not nice, don't jusy suddenly become so, unless there is something in it for them!

Emboo19 · 11/02/2018 09:11

Oh I know IWanna I don’t fully trust him at all! I’ve made sure I’ve got a back up plan for next weekend incase he changes his mind about having extra. I’m hoping talking to a solicitor as made him realise how lucky he is that I’m so flexible and that’s why he’s now being nice, but I’ll be prepared for him being a idiot just incase.

The worst thing is how much he’s made me question myself. I always thought he was a good bf and I thought after 4 years I really knew him. I didn’t forgive him for cheating because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to fully trust him again, and I didn’t want that questioning.
But now I think how can I ever really trust in anyone, how can I believe they’re really the good person they seem. Is it all just a act to get what they want and you only really know someone when you break up with them.

I feel cynical and jaded at 20! It’s bloddy depressing.

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