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AIBU?

AIBU to not change dd’s surname?

95 replies

Emboo19 · 01/02/2018 22:08

DD has my surname although I did offer to double barrel with her dads when she was born. At the time he said he wasn’t bothered, had no real attachment to his surname (it’s his dad’s who he doesn’t see) and was happy for her to have mine.

Before we separated it had started to bother him and we’d talked about if we married he’d change his name to mine and dd’s. Now we’ve split he’s been asking if I’ll change her surname and double barrel it to include his. I did say I’d consider it and he keeps asking, but I don’t want to.
I’m not a fan of double barrelled names and I like how her name sounds, as it is.
Plus a few weeks ago he was moving country, now he’s not! Then he was moving city, now he’s not! I do think that’s probably all to mess with me and not that he’ll actually leave her, but it doesn’t help his case.

He asked again tonight and I really want to tell him I’m not changing it and that’s that. But I feel a bit guilty and don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable. I’d be upset not to have the same name as her, but then I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place.

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jzjz · 02/02/2018 12:17

Having had a name change will make her life so much more complicated in the future, when she applies for passports, DBS checks, visas etc.

Do her a favour and stick with the name you both agreed on when she was born.

jzjz · 02/02/2018 12:18

If she chooses to have a name change when she's older, if she gets married, then that's her decision.

But I would never impose all the difficulties of a name change on an unknowing 2 year old.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 02/02/2018 14:20

Look upon it as yet another one of his fads. It'll change next week. So far you've had (and this is off the top of my head) - wanting to pretend your DD didn't exist, to wanting to be Best Dad Ever, to cheating on you because his friends told him to, wanting to emigrate .... it's just another way to make conversation. Next week he'll have some other great idea. Just stop engaging with him, he's a twat.

TheClacksAreDown · 02/02/2018 14:24

I don’t have the same last name as my children. Instead they have mine as a second middle name. But I cope.

Emboo19 · 02/02/2018 17:56

He is a bit of a twat AuntFidget. I’m doing my best to not engage and usually just reply “ok, well until then we’ll see you on Sunday (or whenever next contact day is) and leave it at that. I’m sure most of it (moving away in particular) is just to get a rise from me.

This I’m not sure of, I text him earlier and said I’d thought about it and don’t want to change her name and his reply was ‘ok, fair enough. I think maybe it’s time I see a solicitor and we sort things out properly’. I replied asking what he meant but he’s not replied yet. He gets contact when he wants so don’t see how it can be that. But wonder if he thinks he could take me to court to change her name, is that at all possible?

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Emboo19 · 02/02/2018 17:59

And today, I got the csa minimum amount of maintenance, when he usually gives more. I guess that’s just him being petty.

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picklemepopcorn · 02/02/2018 18:19

Don't give in to those tactics!

Emboo19 · 02/02/2018 19:20

I’ve no plans to pickleme

This seperated parents thing, is much harder than I thought though.

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Emboo19 · 03/02/2018 10:22

So not exactly the initial problem, but....
He collected dd this morning and he’s apparently got an appointment with a solicitor for next week! He thinks he may be able to have her name changed through court, well his name added. I’m not sure I’ve read and it seems unlikely, but did say adding a name without removing the other is more likley to be allowed. He also wants to formalise contact, which is fair enough I guess. But he wants her every other weekend (this is fine) and two nights through the week, only he can’t collect until 6:30/7pm then will bring her back 6/6:30am. Looking at maintenance as he’d be having her extra nights he could legally pay £9 a week less, but he won’t be feeding her a single meal. I know it’s not loads and it’s not about the money, it’s the principle of it.
Until yesterday I wouldn’t have thought money would be a issue, but I’m guessing the extra he gives will only be if I’m doing what he wants and if that’s the case I’d rather he just gives me what he legally as to.

I know it’s probably just to get a rise from me, but he’s just stubborn enough to actually keep going with it.
God I wish he would just bloody fuck if to Australia and leave us alone!!

I’m guessing it might be a good idea to speak to a solicitor myself now, but my head hurts just thinking about it.

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Emboo19 · 03/02/2018 10:25

And I’m guessing he’s going to mention splitting Christmas and birthdays next. Even though he promised he wouldn’t do that and he hates Christmas and I know won’t do anything particularly special for her.

It should be law, if you cheat on your partner and split up, you no longer have rights to Christmas Day with the dc

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VioletCharlotte · 03/02/2018 10:29

I agree with others who have said it's her name that you both agreed to when she was born. It belongs to her, it's not something to change on a whim. My DS have their Dads surname, not mine. I hate this particularly as never even sees them but don't feel changing their names to mine is my decision to make. They can decide to change if they want to.

VioletCharlotte · 03/02/2018 10:31

Just read your update. How old is she? Mine were 4 and 2 when we split up and my ex wanted overnight stays during the week and I didn't. The judge agreed it would be unsettling for them and didn't agree to it.

NameChangedForThisQ · 03/02/2018 10:32

I would absolutely add the exDPs surname to your daughters name. If this was the other way round we would be fuming. She's his daughter too, and it will make almost zero difference to your daughters life.

ijustwannadance · 03/02/2018 10:33

He's just being a dick. Let him waste his money on solicitors.

Her name does not stop her from being his child in any way. He is doing it to get at you.

My kids have my DP's surname. I'd wouldn't change it if we split up. It makes no difference at all.

GrooovyLass · 03/02/2018 10:33

Re the access thing. Is he looking for two non-consecutive nights from 6.30pm (I'm presuming almost bedtime for a 2yo) until 6.30am (waking up time)? What is the point in that - he would barely actually see her. I have no experience of the court system but surely that would be seen as ridiculous? Or am I being naive?

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2018 10:34

If he brings her back 6/6.30 what time would she have to get up? That doesn’t sound ideal and I would challenge that via your solicitor once a formal request is made. Even if she is young now and up early (mine never were but all kids are different) it won’t stay that way, older kids won’t appreciate being dragged up and around at the crack of so best not to set the status quo now.

As for him having to have the same surname so people know she is his. What a joke. I don’t have the same surname as my kids. Neither does DH for that matter. People know that they are ours. When the call us mum and dad it gives it away .

Jammydodger81 · 03/02/2018 10:39

Oh Emboo sorry to hear he’s messing you about, he started off so well and seemed to be amicable. Guess the guilt has worn off!

You don’t need to do anything right away, he’ll have to take you to mediation first and as he’s been so unpredictable I’d wait till then to see a solicitor, don’t waste your money now.

He can’t change her name without your permission and it’s very unlikely he’ll get 2 midweek overnights with having to drop her back at 6am at her age. Just hold steady and see how it goes.

Emboo19 · 03/02/2018 10:48

She’s 16 months. The two nights he wants her, he currently comes here and baths her, gets her ready for bed, does story etc and then goes. It’s not ideal, but I go to the gym so I’m not here and he gets time with her. Obviously if he’s late I will have done her bath and he’ll just come and do story say goodnight. It’s around 20/30mins drive to his so he’d be getting less time with her, she usually goes to bed at 7, on his nights it’s 7.30 but she’s nodding off by then, no way she’d last much longer. Mornings he’ll just put her in the car and bring her back, I’ll do breakfast and dress her. She’s not normally up until 7.

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TuckMyWin · 03/02/2018 10:58

I'd tell him to see you in court. With those timings, he'd see her for 12 hours, and she'd be in bed the whole time. Plus, she wouldn't be getting enough sleep at night. That's not to the benefit of the child, and I can't see a court disagreeing.

Emboo19 · 03/02/2018 11:06

I think he thought by being reasonable I’d have forgiven him by now Jammydodger81. He doesn’t like that I’m seeing someone else and he doesn’t like that I’ve not been ignoring him. He’s like a child, he’s just doing things to get a reaction from me and I know it.
But it’s very hard not to react when it’s to do with your child and he knows this.

Tbf I think I’m realising he was probably always a dickhead, I was just too young and in love to see it!

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 11:10

Definitely don't agree to the overnights. Once something is established, it is hard to get it undone.
Personally, I would see a solicitor and get all my ducks in a row.
Also if he wants mediation, tell him he has to pay for it, as you now have reduced income, what with bring a lone parent whose ex only pays minimum csa! He wants to change things, so let him be out of pocket.

Emboo19 · 03/02/2018 11:19

I meant that I’ve been ignoring him not, not ignoring him.

Can I do that regarding mediation though Tuck or will it look like I’m being difficult? I imagine he’ll say he’ll finish work earlier to collect her, then it won’t last once he’s actually having her.

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babyccinoo · 03/02/2018 11:23

Don't do it. He sounds like a head fuck with the moving cities/countries threats.

Maybe tell him you both can ask DD when she's 16 what she wants to do.

Berthatydfil · 03/02/2018 11:24

Re the overnights - that’s totally unreasonable as he doesn’t do tea or breakfast and he’s planning on bringing her back to you so presumably he can get to work. It’s unfair on her as it will mean she will get a later bedtime and have to get up much earlier that normal and get no really meaningful benefit from the contact which is for her benefit not his.
And its 2 unconnected nights as well so its disrupting for her routine. Saying that you should be looking towards overnight stays so it is something you should be thinking about.
I suspect however he is looking at cutting down on his maintenance as a way of getting back at you for refusing his inconsistent demands regarding her name.
Personally I would agree to adding it as an extra middle name so that its there formally but not used day to day by you and her. If you had given it to her at the time well you would be used to it by now and now you’re not together anymore its nonsense.
I’m not a lawyer or have any experience of this but I think its shocking he is now going to a solicitor about this now you have separated when he had the opportunity to do it when you were together and he refused. That makes me think its all about him and maybe how he looks to a future gf and not about your dd.

TuckMyWin · 03/02/2018 11:28

I'd say you do need to go to mediation if he initiates proceedings, but you don't have to agree with what he proposes there. And, say, you agree to one overnight with him finishing work earlier, then when he starts making excuses to come later you say no, that wasn't the agreement. Also, you don't have to do any of the work to arrange this. If you're happy with the current arrangement then it's up to him to put the effort in to change it if he's not. He goes to a solicitor, he books mediation, you just show up (although I'd recommend getting your own legal advice so you know what your rights are, and what the process is). Chances are he's doing all this to put you under pressure to agree to what he asks. Your best tactic, I'd say, is to just keep saying 'ok, if that's what you want to do' in a non committal way and wait for him to make the next move. From what you've said it sounds like he won't bother when he realises it's actually quite a lot of effort and he's going to have to do it all!

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