AIBU to not change dd’s surname?

[Emboo19]

DD has my surname although I did offer to double barrel with her dads when she was born. At the time he said he wasn’t bothered, had no real attachment to his surname (it’s his dad’s who he doesn’t see) and was happy for her to have mine.

Before we separated it had started to bother him and we’d talked about if we married he’d change his name to mine and dd’s. Now we’ve split he’s been asking if I’ll change her surname and double barrel it to include his. I did say I’d consider it and he keeps asking, but I don’t want to.
I’m not a fan of double barrelled names and I like how her name sounds, as it is.
Plus a few weeks ago he was moving country, now he’s not! Then he was moving city, now he’s not! I do think that’s probably all to mess with me and not that he’ll actually leave her, but it doesn’t help his case.

He asked again tonight and I really want to tell him I’m not changing it and that’s that. But I feel a bit guilty and don’t know if I’m being completely unreasonable. I’d be upset not to have the same name as her, but then I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place.

[TuckMyWin]

I mean say 'ok if that's what you want to do' when he mentions seeing a solicitor etc, not changing her name'! If he asks about the name again just repeat yourself like a stuck record 'I've thought about it and I've decided I don't want to do that'.

[Emboo19]

Sorry I quoted the wrong person regarding mediation!!

We do overnights Berthatydfil he has her one night every weekend, so alternate Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon or Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. But I’m flexible and even if he doesn’t have her Sunday he can take her swimming Sunday morning and today he collected her at 9am as he’s taking her somewhere and he’s bringing her back at lunch time tomorrow, so he does get extra at the weekends, even though it means I get less.

[GaraMedouar]

Don’t change her name. It was decided and agreed when she was born. If she had Ex’s name you wouldn’t be able to change it. Also she’s need extra paperwork all the time in future - birth certificate and deed poll to prove name, more hassle.
My DD has my name. Ex didn’t like it but that’s how it is - as she lives with me full time and he wafts in and out as he wishes I just feel it’s more practical - and she has same name as older siblings (different dad) so we all have same name.

[Emboo19]

I know that’s why he’s doing it Tuck and I don’t honestly think he wants her overnight midweek as he’ll have to get up earlier than he does now, and there will be no gym/football/pub on those nights and he won’t even be getting to spend time with her.
But I think he might just do it to spite me and he knows what I’m like, so this will be on my mind all day now and I’ve got plans this afternoon.

[AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork]

he knows what I’m like, so this will be on my mind all day now and I’ve got plans this afternoon

Which is exactly why he's said it. Like I said, a twat. A solicitor will happily send letters on his behalf, through mediation you can ensure you have a tight agreement. Which will have some consequence for every time he doesn't bother to show up at the agreed time. If it gets that far. I really doubt it will, because as you've pointed out he's just doing this to get at you.

When (if) you ever get to mediation and point out that by the time he's collected DD and she's fallen asleep on the journey, and then he's transferred her - still sleeping- to your house - well it's clear he's doing it to save money rather than have any benefit on your DD, the mediator and/or judge is just going to laugh at him.

The BC thing - he had his input at the time. He was there when you registered her, yes?

[user1474652148]

He needs permission to change your dd name, and I would not change it.
When she wsd born he had the chance and didn’t take it.
I would be happy to agree a compromise that dd can decide for herself when she is mature enough at the age of 21.
By the time you all get to it, he will probably have forgotten all about it.
Emotionally blackmailing you by saying he is moving overseas tells me he is trying to wrestle for some control, the sudden decision for the name is another symptom of this.
I would be wary

[Emboo19]

Yep, he had input on her name when we registered her and he wasn’t bothered. I’d have actually gone with a different first name if we were double barrelling as I thought it went better. Did offer as a middle name at the time as well, but his surname can also be a boys first name and we both though it sounded silly, had she been a boy I’d have just done it anyway as I like it as a name (it’s actually my new boyfriends first name, which is a bit weird).

The deed poll office say this
There​‌‌‌​‌‌ ​‌‌‌​‌​must​‌‌‌​‌​ ​‌‌‌​‌‌be​‌​‌‌‌‌ ​‌‌​​​​clear​‌‌​​‌‌ ​‌‌​​‌‌reasons​‌‌​​​​ ​‌‌‌​​‌why​‌‌‌​​‌ ​‌‌​‌‌​it’s​‌‌‌‌​​ ​‌‌‌​‌​in​‌‌​​‌‌ ​‌​‌​‌‌the​‌‌‌​‌‌ ​‌​‌​‌​​‌‌​‌​​best​​​‌‌‌ ​​‌‌‌​interests​​‌‌​‌ ​​‌​​‌of​​​‌‌​ ​​‌​​‌a​​‌​​​ child, to justify a change of surname. The best interests of the child are the courts’ paramount consideration, and short-term issues such as convenience and avoiding confusion aren’t given much weight.

But also this:
If your child currently has one parent’s name, you’ll find it much easier to get permission to just add the other parent’s surname (making a double-barrelled name) — and not replace the other parent’s surname (with something else) — because then you wouldn’t break the link of identity to that parent.

I’m going to have to see a solicitor aren’t I? Even if it’s just for piece of mind!!

[Emboo19]

I know with contact he’ll just say he’ll finish early and as it’s overtime he can say that. But he won’t want to give up his overtime so it won’t last!!
I don’t even mind him having her through the week, if he’s actually having her. Would be bettter for me to have a few evenings off. I might say if he can collect her from nursery by 5:30 on Wednesday’s he can have her overnight, then I’ll have nursery as back up if he doesn’t collect her on time and it won’t be my responsibility to have her ready for him. Will just mean a longer day for her at nursery as I usually collect at 4, but I do pay till 6 and if he’s not there by 5:30 I’ll ask them to phone and I’ll go get her.

[pickleofficer]

To be honest, I would see a solicitor anyway and got everything (maintenance, visitation etc) sorted and formalised now. He has been so all over the place (esp with the Australia thing!) that I am guessing in the future when he gets another girlfriend or has another child, he will start playing silly games again. So I would formalise to preempt and protect your daughters interests now.

I would also offer as a middle name, but not change the surname. That's the name you decided on at birth, it's hers!

[Emboo19]

I wonder if he’ll try say, we planned to marry and he was going to change his name to mine and that’s the only reason he agreed. But would that even be a valid reason? Especially considering he was the one who cheated and that’s why the relationship ended, the other way round maybe he’d have a point.
But this is all down to him!

And now I’m going to try my best not to think about it all for the rest of the day!!!

[Emboo19]

The annoying thing is as much as I can formalise things, it does absolutely nothing to make him to stick to any of it does it pickle? He can stop seeing her or stop paying, up and leave, and there’s little I can do. He could also do all of that and then turn up in a few years take me to court and get contact again.

If I thought 50/50 (which is the most I guess he could get) was best for her, I’d give him it in a heartbeat. I didn’t plan on having a dd so young and if he’d actually do his 50% and put her first, it would be so much easier on me. But he wouldn’t do as good a job as me and when he’s been honest and not a dickhead he admits that.

[Emboo19]

But yes, I’m going to look into seeing a solicitor.
I’m currently looking at buying a little house (inheritance money) and my grandpa recommended the solicitors, I’ll ask if they have ones who deal with family stuff. Maybe they offer 2 for 1 deals or some kind of frequent user discount (I’m joking obviously)

[pickleofficer]

Sadly, yes, that's the reality. My BF brought up her DS alone after her ex turned out to be a knacker, ignored agreements and he treat him like a hobby.
Nothing you can do, except crack on and make sure you can provide for yourself and Dd. And make sure he can't point the finger at you, ever.

Good luck!

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I’m assuming your looking at the uk deed poll site that’s got a link on the Gov site?
Be mindful that is not an official agency of any description it’s a married couple in a unit on a industrial estate somewhere odd beginning with M who actually own either two or 3 of the first hits you get when you google changing a name in the uk they pay to have the link on the gov site.

But that being said the info on their site is fairly good.

He can go to court to request a name change and it is correct that adding a name rather than changing is easier to get but that still doesn’t mean your compelled to agree it can be left in the hands of the court if he wishes to make application and it’s not a slam dunk request I’ve seen them get refused.
The two mid week contacts with their timing are ridiculous and it should be quite obvious why he’s asking for them so I wouldn’t worry to much about that just be prepared

[twinsmummy5]

He had his chance when she was born , he should have been more ‘bothered’ back then !

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Just caught up with the rest of your thread, Emboo19. You say you're young (is that where the 19 comes in on your user name ?), but it sounds as if you've got a mature head on those shoulders.

It absolutely sounds like you are being a reasonable and caring parent, but ... yes ... I do think you have to see a good family solicitor. Instinct says that you should only be offering what absolutely suits you and your daughter across the board (and if that's a minimum so be it) but for peace of mind it is good to know in advance what likely would and wouldn't be awarded by a court, before making your negotiation decisions.

It's also a wonderful feeling to feel that you are taking control and not simply being swept along by his petulant threats (of going to court, because you won't agree with a name change, etc). Despite what he says, I don't think he'll be rushing to get it all settled officially (he'll be hoping you bow down before the threat of court) and I think he may well be very taken aback that you have seen a solicitor anyway!

Hope you'll let us know how it goes!

[Emboo19]

Sorry I was out so didn’t see the last few replies.

That’s exactly what I plan to do pickle. My only concern is dd and she absolutely comes first. I’m buying a house and doing my degree and we’ll be absolutely fine, even if it’s just the two of use from now on.

Really Needs, I thought it was an official site.

Ha, yes ADish although I’m a year older now!! Not very original is it but it was the first number I thought of. My names not Emma though, I’m not that stupid unoriginal.

He’s text today to ask if he can bring dd back a bit earlier tomorrow and we can talk. I really don’t think I want to hear what he’s got to say, to be honest I can’t be bothered with him.

[Emboo19]

I’ve got the details of an apparently very good family solicitor though and will be getting in contact with them next week. Best to be prepared, just in case.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

" I’m a year older now!!"

Still not very old, but you sound amazing!

"He’s text today to ask if he can bring dd back a bit earlier tomorrow and we can talk. I really don’t think I want to hear what he’s got to say"

Discuss nothing until you've spoken to your solicitor. He's made it very clear that he'll threaten you with legal action if you don't do as he says, so there is no point in discussion at this stage.

Meantime fob him off. Tell him it's fine to drop her off early (if that suits you) but you won't have time to talk as you'll be busy/ have a friend visiting (or whatever).

Meantime, have a lovely weekend!

[Emboo19]

I text him that I won’t be home, my parents will be there and they’re taking dd out so he can be early but not late returning her (otherwise if I ever say I won’t be there, he brings her back late and my parents are genuinely wanting to take her somewhere).

In regards to talking I put, I don’t think we’ve anything to talk about, I’m not changing her name. If you want increase contact you can do the Wednesday like I’ve suggested, collecting her from nursery and bringing her to me in the morning, that’s absolutely fine. But I’m not willing to facilitate two late evenings and early starts for dd each week, so if you want two nights you need to find a way to be able to collect her from nursery and drop her there the next morning.
If you’re really not happy with that and feel I’m being unfair, then by all means seek legal advice.

I’m sure a court can’t insist I be available on his evenings and mornings to provide his childcare, can they?

[Emboo19]

And I must have subconsciously known he’d pull a dick move like this!
I’ve still got all his texts, ones when he was leaving the country, ones when he’s been late to collect her or not made it before bedtime, ones where I’ve offered him extra time but he wasn’t bothered for it and the countless versions of ‘I miss you, I’m sorry and I want you back’ with the odd ‘how’s dd?’

[HungerOfThePine]

Disengage op, offer what's In the best interests for your dd and let him get on with it, through txts or email whatever just keep records for if he does take it to court he really is just trying to put spanners in the works and imo it's likely to get worse before it gets better as you are not bending to his will in time he he might get over himself and be reasonable.

You sound like a great mum

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

Keep everything. Back it up to somewhere safe. It is your proof that he is inconsistant.
Those were good texts you sent. You have offered reasonable suggestions. If he turns them down, he will look like a dick, who isn't putting his child's needs first. He won't he able to argue that you are being obstructive.

[WheresTheHooferDoofer]

This is the official government deed poll advice for changing a child's name.

OP, he may not bother about the name once he realises it costs £215 to apply for a court order........

[tomatosalt]

Hi OP,
I hope I may be able to offer you a different perspective, closer to that of your daughter.
When I was born my mother gave me her surname as she was not married to my birth father and did not intend to marry or continue a relationship with him. When she married my stepfather she took his last name and decided to change mine via deed poll so I would have the same name as her and my half siblings.

Whilst I appreciate that this was probably the best choice for me, as had my name not been changed I would have been the only member of my immediate family with a different surname, it is is still quite inconvenient in many ways. The name was changed legally aged 8, yet any official forms I have ever completed have a section to the effect of ‘other names you are known by or have used’ which I must legally fill out. This is generally straight forward but it is sometimes questioned and most importantly, every form reminds me that my current name is not really my own and therefore delegitimises it.

In your DD’s situation as it currently is, I feel that the benefits of a shared name do not outweigh the issues of dealing with a name that has been legally changed. However, if you may repartner in the future and change your name, or have more children who do not carry your name, please think carefully about how your DD and her name fits into that scenario.