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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop writing/giving references for a friend I rarely see.

49 replies

WineIsTheAnswer · 31/01/2018 12:46

I have a friend, let's call her Jane. We know each other through DC's hobbies but now longer go to the same club/meet ups. Jane has had a difficult year or so but is getting back on her feet. This has included her moving to a different town.

I met with Jane just before Christmas and it felt very much like a last meeting. She's moving on and that's fine. She's made mistakes in the past and the meeting felt very much like she was making a fresh start, clean slate and all that. I left the door open saying I would always be here to support/offer advice and wished her well.

Since then the only real contact I have had with Jane is one email saying she had used me for a reference, it would be arriving that day and they needed it returning ASAP. Plus one text to say she got the job based on my reference.

The references are difficult to write due to her recent difficulties and I've had to spend time framing the responses positively but truthfully.

Since then more and more have arrived but the distance between us has grown. To the point where I only know she's moved as the address has changed on the forms and I only know she has gained a qualification as a employer phoned and mentioned it.

I feel like I can no longer give a truthful reference because I don't know what's going on in her life. Plus I'm starting to feel a bit used. She's not contacting me at all, even a little call to say "I'm going for this job/rental place, X will call on this day" there's no thanks for the reference or letting me know if she got the Job/place.

Another part of me knows shes had a difficult time, is trying to move on with little support (family/friends stopped contact due to her issues) and I'm likely the only person suitable to give a reference.

If I stop giving references I don't know she'll have anyone else to ask. Even if she does that person is going to have the same difficulty in writing them due to the past.

I've sent FB message a few days ago with no response asking her to call me. She's notoriously difficult to contact, something that got harder as her issues mounted last year, which has me worried for her and making me more uncomfortable writing these references not knowing if her issues are returning. Alternatively she could just be ignoring me in an effort to move on.

OP posts:

brilliotic · 31/01/2018 14:06

Hang on, you last saw her before Christmas, and now (it is still January) you feel you can't say anything about her anymore because it's been so long?

And in that month, she has moved to and then within her new area, she got a new job, applied for more jobs on top of that one, and got a new qualification. Sounds like she has been very busy.

And in that month since you last saw her, you have provided her with how many references?
Once you had put all that thought into truthful but positive formulations, why did the second/third/fourth reference create so much work?

Of course she should always ask first, and a thank you would be nice too. I happen to know though that quite a few people do not know that it is expected that you ask someone first before naming them as a reference. You might, as a friend, tell her that, so she knows in the future. As a friend, you could also tell her that it makes you feel a bit used, for the only contact from her to be requests for references and nothing else.

However a month is a really short time to set up somewhere new and of course this initial time is when she will be needing references (for jobs, flats, etc) and also this initial time is when she will be expending her energy on building new connections, rather than on maintaining old ones in her previous area. You sound a bit miffed that she has not been 'in touch' ... for a whole month! When she must have been super busy! What was your relationship like before she moved, for you to feel that she hasn't been making enough effort already?

I would continue writing references (with a caveat that you haven't seen her since Christmas 2017) for the sake of your past friendship, even if you feel you are no longer friends/don't want to be friends anymore. I would also tell her that she ought to ask before naming someone as reference.

misscheery · 31/01/2018 14:06

I'm just curious if someone knows the answer. What kind of jobs/employers are out there that ask for personal references? I've always been asked for ex employers type of reference.

champagneplanet · 31/01/2018 14:11

As 1099 suggested i'd write a standard one containing the general info that is asked, date it as today and then just send it as a reply to the requests. Then reply to them for the next month or so and if she doesn't bother to contact you i'd stop responding.

Issues or not I wouldn't allow myself to be used, she could still send you a courtesy text/email/call you to say thanks.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 31/01/2018 14:14

When you say you last saw her before Christmas, do you mean about a month ago? If so that's really not long, surely her life can't have fallen apart so quickly?

Giving references is a massive PITA, but it seems to be necessary more often these days. Short term contracts and temp work mean people need to ask more often while at the same time it is harder for them to build up the solid work history that makes really good, meaningful references easy to get. I also have to write reference-type statements for staff who are renting, to confirm who they are, where they work, earnings etc. None of that was necessary when I was renting, thank god.

Basically I would make the effort UNLESS she doesn't contact you to explain what she's up to, in which case you can't in good conscience recommend her.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 31/01/2018 14:21

misscheery

I think employers prefer work references, or academic references but ask for personal references if someone has no recent work experience, or none at all and has been out of education too long for an academic reference.

Original poster

WineIsTheAnswer · 31/01/2018 14:26

This christmas but late November/early December time. There was distance before that and the meet up was very much a last goodbye from her side. To be honest I felt we hadn't much of a relationship even before her move. It's not along time but long enough to make me question how she's doing. Especially given the lack of communication (one of the fist signs if problems last time) and that she managed to hide the issues/tell half truths for a good few months last time so could have been hiding things/covering during the meet up.

OP posts:

misscheery · 31/01/2018 14:36

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot oh, makes sense! Thanks for that!

Original poster

WineIsTheAnswer · 31/01/2018 14:40

Just to clarify our friendship has been difficult due to her issues that spiralled until June/july time when she moved. June/july to the meeting we had very little contact. It was a friendship that I felt had run it's course. The meet up was to exchange cards and by the end of it I felt happy that she was in a better place, as are her DC but that would be our last effort to meet up. I'm not at all annoyed/miffed the friendship is over. She's had a difficult time and I had no expectation she would keep in touch. But the referee letters make me feel obligated to know how she is so I can write truthfully.

OP posts:

daisypond · 31/01/2018 15:14

June/July to the meeting in maybe late November might only be four months where there's not been contact. I find it hard to believe that people would consider a friendship over because they haven't been in contact for that short (IMO) amount a time, especially if one of the people might be having problems in their life. Even if you think you no longer have much in common and will no longer be "friends", I would still be writing a reference.

Bramble71 · 31/01/2018 18:37

You clearly seem uncomfortable about it and I think I would, too. I'm particularly concerned that you don't get even the slightest acknowledgement from her; that's incredibly rude and selfish.

If I were in your position, I'd be inclined to reply that we'd lost touch and you don't feel able to give an up to date reference.

Truthstar · 31/01/2018 18:54

Cant help myself now! Is it this one?
😑

Truthstar · 31/01/2018 20:26

Bumping for the nosey ladies 😉😂

metalmum15 · 31/01/2018 20:34

I've found it!!

Truthstar · 31/01/2018 20:36

😁😁😁

OrangeMan · 31/01/2018 20:40

@Truthstar is it this one do you think?

Truthstar · 31/01/2018 20:42

Yea I'm convinced it is

Original poster

WineIsTheAnswer · 31/01/2018 20:47

Sorry to disappoint but it's not this one. I've not had a message back from her, let alone a screenshot of the thread. (Anyone finds out, let me know)

OP posts:

OrangeMan · 31/01/2018 20:47

@WineIsTheAnswer have you read that thread then? How do you know about the screenshot?

Truthstar · 31/01/2018 20:48

Wine you legend!! Love ya 😙

metalmum15 · 31/01/2018 20:49

Thanks wine 3 down 2 to go 😉

OrangeMan · 31/01/2018 20:49

Was so hoping it was you! Haha

flightchecker · 31/01/2018 20:51

I work in hr and can't believe how many people would give a personal reference for someone based on no real recent information or knowledge. I wouldn't.

We don't accept them as an employer purely because they just can't be relied upon to be fair and accurate.

Op, I'd stop without feeling at all bad. There's obviously a problem if you're the only person to ask and I certainly wouldn't be putting my name to a recommendation I wasn't sure of. Most people would have a previous employer, colleague, professional acquaintance or even teacher to ask.

Original poster

WineIsTheAnswer · 31/01/2018 20:51

Erm Orangeman the OP of that thread says she's sent a screenshot. Read the thread when comments popped up on this one.

OP posts:

OrangeMan · 31/01/2018 20:55

@WineIsTheAnswer doh!! I'm dumb at times lol

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