To just hand over my women's meetup group to a trans member?

[Mallorie]

I run a women-in-[industry] meetup group (it's a traditionally male-dominated industry, but don't want to get more specific than that as this is outing enough as it is). I didn't found the group but took over organisation duties when the founder (a good friend) moved abroad.

It's not closed to men - men have been speakers before, and a handful of men will usually attend to support friends/colleagues or just because the speaker or topic is interesting. However, the point of the group is to offer education and networking opportunities for women in our industry, and to encourage women in adjacent industries or in the early stages of choosing a career to consider joining our industry.

The group has grown by leaps and bounds over the last couple of years so I asked for a volunteer to help me with planning and running the meetups and specifically to help start an annual mini-conference. I see now that my mistake was asking in a public forum rather than approaching a few people personally, because a transgender woman we'll call Alex immediately and rather forcefully volunteered - basically they were like "YES I've got this! I've been waiting for this opportunity, I've got so many great ideas, when can we start?" No one else really volunteered and I didn't feel like I had any choice but to let Alex help. Alex is only recently transitioned and I have known them as a tall, big (rather obnoxious blowhard) male for a few years , Alex looks exactly the same but now wears earrings and patterned blouses. Anyway.

Alex's 'help' started with a bullet-pointed list of all the changes in language we needed to make on the group website and any/all tweets, emails, agendas, and presentations to include all 'self-identifying women and non-binary people', a list of rules for attendees and speakers about inclusive language, and a list of themes for upcoming meetups based around dealing with transgender issues in the workplace. The dates and details of the conference haven't even been discussed yet, but Alex has already written a sort of manifesto about how it's a conference for all self-identifying women and non-binary people. The actual industry education and discussions around the actual work that we do in the industry seems not just secondary now, but completely forgotten - Alex's eyes glaze over when I mention anything concrete, for example the details of an expert in a specific technology who has volunteered to speak at the next meetup.

Alex and a younger contingent of the meetup group are super excited about all of this and have taken over the conversation on social media. No one is saying anything against the new regime, and I don't feel like I can without opening a can of worms that could damage my career - something I can't afford to deal with. So I'm thinking about just handing over the reins to Alex and focusing on my own career.

It breaks my heart because I've made so many good friends in the group, and it has genuinely helped support and improve the working lives of lots of actual women, but the women who I suspect feel the same as me about this new direction are silent - probably like me, they're afraid of the repercussions of speaking out.

I wish I'd never asked for help, and that I'd pushed back with Alex from the start, but I feel like it's too late now.

[Mallorie]

what will you do, op?

The first thing I've done - based on some of your comments here, and which I can't believe I didn't think of before - is to revoke Alex's access to the meetup group event page and Mailchimp account (both of which have a massive list of email addresses, names, workplaces, etc) until I figure out what to do long term. I would be well put out if I'd signed up for a women's group and started getting trans/non-binary talking points sent to me. I have sent Alex a message saying I need to review our data handling in light of GDPR and have restricted access until I've done that.

I'm reading through everything in detail here - some really good points - and I definitely have thoughts and opinions that I'll be back with once I've digested a bit more.

[rowdywoman1]

Poor OP.
As so many have said this will be a lose lose situation as Alex will shout 'transphobia' at the first suggestion that you are not centring them in ALL discussion and events. And of course the definition of transphobia is: "anything I don't like to hear".
Eltonjohnssyrup makes some great suggestions. BUT if, as is likely, Alex starts to undermine and roar and make allegations against you, then I would noisily quietly withdraw. Unless you can afford to lose your job. You really need the support of others and this is all such a mess with just the trans bigots determining what is acceptable that you will need to protect yourself.

[ferntwist]

YANBU. Alex needs to back the hell off. Your group is protected as a female-only space by the Equality Act 2010. Self-identification is not law.

[ferntwist]

Nice one on taking back the email lists. He sounds like an AGP who gets off on invading women’s spaces. Socialised male, always male.

[HairyBallTheorem]

The fact that it's trans is deeply relevant, though.

We've all come across the single-issue-to-the-exclusion of all else campaigner in lots of contexts. The guy at work who wants to turn every discussion into something to do with his pet project, even though it's only 5% of the division's turnover and is actually losing money hand over fist. The woman in the local conservation society who thinks the stretch of 3 Victorian gas lights on the high street is the most important issue. The parent on the consultation group for the new swimming pool in your town who turns every discussion into "it must be a 50m competitive pool to foster the ambitions of my child our future Olympians", ignoring the fact that actually it's about providing a sport and leisure facility for everyone.

The stuck record/great idea, please form a sub committee/manage the agenda ruthlessly/ marginalise techniques work in these cases.

But somehow trans is different. Any suggestion that Alex's suggestions might not be the centre of the universe, and the accusations of transphobia will start.

[Mallorie]

And no, I wasn't icing a cake, I was dragged out by OH for a walk against my will and he now has the hump because I kept checking my phone to read this thread instead of talking to him!

[ferntwist]

80-95% of men like Alex, so-called transwomen (men who say they are women) never have surgery to remove their penis. Source: Sex & Gender Ethics Society

[NurseButtercup]

@Eltonjohnssyrup

'And in your role as inclusivity officer, how are you intending to market and appeal to our BAME cohort who are severely underrepresented.'

Errrrrrrrr I understand you're writing for illustration purposes, but could you please not send Alex in the direction of my people?

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

And no, I wasn't icing a cake, I was dragged out by OH for a walk against my will and he now has the hump because I kept checking my phone to read this thread instead of talking to him!

Sorry OP. There have been so many 'fishing threads' that I was starting to get suspicious .. :) :).

[bigtissue]

To me transness is a distinct group, and as such the trans member could benefit more from starting their own group because they have their own specific issues.

[NurseButtercup]

And no, I wasn't icing a cake, I was dragged out by OH for a walk against my will and he now has the hump because I kept checking my phone to read this thread instead of talking to him!

You've had lots of useful suggestions I hope you manage to resolve this constructively. Enjoy the rest of your weekend with your OH.

[Mallorie]

So the ideas for gently sidelining Alex into a role as an officer for his pet issues are great, but in spite of the popularity of the group, it's just me running things. Lots of people come to the meetups (anywhere from 50-100 each time) but it is just me planning them, finding and booking space, getting speakers, moderating discussions, and creating/updating the website and social media. That's why I asked for help - it's all very Little Red Hen, everyone wants to eat the bread, but no one wants to help make it.

I've tried to think about what I would do if the potential hijacking was from someone who wasn't trans. I guess you don't have to guess how I feel about the trans thing- but that doesn't hugely matter. Even if trans women were women, as far as I know they would make up a very small percentage of women. If someone tried to hijack the group and add language to every bit of group communication about inclusivity for left-handed ginger women, that would be pretty silly, wouldn't it? In any case you're highjacking the whole group for the concerns of less than 1% of them (Alex is the only clearly trans person I've seen at the meetups).

That was a terrible analogy, but I'm still mentally working through all of this. I really don't want to let go of the group, but I don't want it to be the group that Alex wants it to be. I just worry that he will start a witch hunt and make me into the local TERF witch. I think among people who haven't really thought it through, that the default is to be pro-trans, at least in my young-skewed, liberal industry.

[GreenSeededGrape]

Good for you on removing Alex's access as your first step. I'm sure that in itself will cause you a few issues but you've had good advice here, hopefully you can take the reigns fully back.

[picklemepopcorn]

Look around for allies. Create a conference steering group from them.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I find single-issue chatterboxes, of all sorts, usually burn themselves out and lose interest after a short while. Or, if they gain a core membership willing to bolster their guru status, they have a brief ascendency to 'queen of the world' and take over everything manically, before burning out and moving on.

Unfortunately, while this makes 'sitting it out' a good option, they can derail a group to the point it's not functional and others leave, or it turns into a different group, first.

I think you can either back away, set up some informal social meet-ups with your friends from the group - which may well turn into the new group, or the revived group, in future.

Or, define the scope of the conference organiser role. Agree this with Alex, share out tasks, meet frequently at first to check you're both making suitable progress, then, if he isn't, show him on the agreed flow-chart why this isn't working and won't result in a viable conference. Suggest that he considers setting up a sub-group and running a workshop session instead.

That should be win-win, he gets into gear, sets up the conference and you get your assistant. Or, he shows his hand as 'not actually interested in that task' quickly enough for you to call on someone else.

What would of course not be reasonable, would be for him to claim the 'status' of the role but leave all the actual work and admin to you. A chart or work plan and allocated tasks will identify this.

You asked for help with a specific task. that's what he volunteered for. You could have been clearer, earlier about the scope of that role. (You made the mistake of thinking 'help meant help' on your terms, which is never really a safe assumption). Focusing on definition of the task is key. He sounds like a classic scope-shifter and very unlikely to deliver a conference for your group.

Can you do something like have a an open discussion at a meeting, captured on flipcharts etc, or ask people to mail in suggestions, about topics for the conference? Draw up an outline programme from that, demonstrating it is what the group wants? He may well get a session to lead but it will help scope teh whole thing and define the task.

[EggsonHeads]

What you should do is let them run their own meet up as an offshoot of your group on their own day specifically dedicated to trans stuff.

[UpstartCrow]

If I joined a group that had a purpose, and someone misused my data, I'd complain. So don't worry about the consequences, crack on. You haven't done anything wrong.

Alex can start their own group. People can choose to join or not.

[rookiemere]

Yes OP - I found it interesting that no-one else volunteered to help you, so on that basis people are going to end up getting something they don't want or need because they couldn't be bothered contributing themselves.

I'd maybe have one more go and trying to coral Alex into actually doing what you brought him in to do. Have a meeting with an outlined agenda to discuss the conference and some of the activities that you need him to do - so booking venue, organising logistics, timetable for the day etc etc. If he's unable to commit to those tasks then you say that you need a committee to do this,call out again for help face to face rather than through social media. If you get some people - great - Alexs influence is watered down and you get some of the actual help that you need. Let him organise a trans or gender awareness segment or some such thing and then people can attend it or not as they want on the day

If you can't get people to volunteer, then sadly I think you need to do what you say and walk away. Alex can rename the group to make it more inclusive ( well to the minute percentage of trans people in the organisation, probably less so to the actual women) and it will either die a death or be a different sort of group.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I really think you need to set the particular special interest aside, acknowledge that it is also a hot topic of wider interest, that others will be interested to hear about - so a 'cross-cutting theme' not just a niche interest. That's fine, it needn't dominate things.

But, mostly draw on past events that have worked well, speakers who've been popular (you have this knowledge), ideas form members etc to establish a solid base for the event it makes sense to run.

If he's saying the group should seek to attract new members, in order to discuss a new topic, that's a very obvious sub-group for him to establish, himself.

[ladymelbourne1926]

Can you approach one of the other women you feel are keeping quiet to 'volunteer' to help you? that way you get actual help and the ability to steer the group in the direction you wish and ensure Alex doesn't take over whilst at the same time Alex can concentrate on the issues Alex feels important, which do seem to be of popular interest judging that you say there is a lot of interest being shown online.
You can continue and Alex can just expand in this one interest area, which could work out well for all concerned.

[rookiemere]

lottie said what i was trying to say so much better than I did !

[Alanna1]

Could you think about having two conferences if you don’t want to step back overall forever?
This one that Alex is organising (and be supportive but step back yourself on this). Then another one in a year and start the planning now on another work stream? Then I’d think about asking Alex to be in charge of a diversity and inclusiveness committee going forward?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Great minds rookimere

[MiltonBurnedTheBuildingDown]

Give Alex a list of stuff that needs done, how you want it done. You're obviously doing something right to have the turn out you do. If Alex doesn't do it, tell Alex to go away.

[AnnaMagnani]

I would suggest you need a committee, other members invited by you, with roles defined, and a Terms of Reference for the group.

That way you can keep refering back to the group being about networking and education, and Alex can do diversity and inclusiveness to their hearts content. Ideally you can find some women of colour or women with disabilities to point out to Alex that Alex doesn't have a monopoly on diversity