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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread going into work: colleague

74 replies

Wauden · 07/01/2018 16:16

A colleague has turned horrible to me and its really getting to me. It can be quite sneaky, ie setting up a situation where she starts accusing me of saying something or misinterpreting something I said.

Worse is she stands up in the office and sneers at me to others: 'Wauden said xyz, ha ha ha'. Last time I just avoided the general conversation, and when she was goading me, just smiled and avoided eye contact so she said 'Wauden smiled, ha ha ha'

I raised some small thing at a team meeting and she glowered at me and said aggressively to me: 'Was that so unreasonable of me to ask you to do?' - regarding a small task she had asked me to do - I was just filling in the others, as I wanted to update them - straightforward.
I just said nothing to be calm and dignified .
She twists things round.

I think she wants my job.

What do I say in front of others? She is really ramping up the goading of me to get a reaction which I won't give her.

But I feel I will snap any day now!!!
Help - what should I do in the heat of the moment?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 07/01/2018 16:18

Nothing in the heat of the moment. Talk to you manager and/or to HR.

mumonashoestring · 07/01/2018 16:18

She must have a mental age of about 6. How does everyone else react when she does her 'stand up and seek attention' act?

Do you have an HR department?

KarmaStar · 07/01/2018 16:22

Hi OP
What a horrible situation.
You've done really well to remain so serene,it must be driving her nuts!😊
Keep a diary,notify HR,and speak to trusted colleagues to see if they have noted her behaviour.
She may think she's good enough to do your job but clearly she hasn't got a chance in hell.
Carry on being serene and when you get home let it all out.
I hope things improve(she gets moved)for you.

missyB1 · 07/01/2018 16:25

It’s bullying isn’t it? Keep a detailed record of every incident and make an appointment to speak to a manager or HR.

notapizzaeater · 07/01/2018 16:26

Write it down and take it to HR, let them deal with her.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/01/2018 16:28

Keep a diary, of what was said, when and who else heard it. I would also mention it in emails to 3rd parties: 'Hi X, you were there when Cunty Colleague said ... today, did you understand it the same way or am I too sensitive?'
Then talk to HR. It will be a lot easier to keep it together when you know that anything she does is just digging her own grave.

rothbury · 07/01/2018 16:28

What do other people say about her behaviour? Is there never anyone senior when she does it? Nobody in my team would dare behave like that in front of me ( or behind my back I hope)

Take it to manager or HR as a bullying issue. Are you a trade union member? They are good at dealing with this kind of issue in my experience.

SemolinaSilkpaws · 07/01/2018 16:35

Like others have said, keep calm, keep serene. You are doing really well and she is ramping it up hoping for a reaction. Diary of her comments and don’t forget your feelings about her behaviour. Dates, times and if possible the exact comments she has made. Report to HR and say you are logging everything as bullying. Colleagues may or may not support you, people don’t like getting involved in case they are the next target.

I would be so tempted to whip out my notebook in front of her and pointedly write down what was said reading it out loud as I did but suspect that would solve nothing.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 16:46

How do your other colleagues react when she does her bid for aaudience for her nonsense? I can't believe the others give her any attention, tbh. Report to HR.
I'd be tempted to film her on my phone when she starts, tbh. But you'd probably be on dodgy ground there...

JaneEyre70 · 07/01/2018 16:48

I'd agree with making a note of all her comments, and talking to HR. It's a form of bullying, and one you do not have to tolerate. If you are brave enough, answer her back and say "is there a reason why you seem to enjoy belittling me at every opportunity, as frankly it is getting wearing".

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 16:50

Record every incident, report to HR.

chocolateworshipper · 07/01/2018 16:53

Definitely report her and keep a log.

In the meantime, I think you need a standard phrase that you use every time she's like this. It needs to be something that she can't use to complain about you. How about "I'm sorry you're not feeling well" ?

JapaneseBirdPainting · 07/01/2018 16:56

record, keep a log and talk to ACAS.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 07/01/2018 16:57

and talk to your HR.

Original poster
Wauden · 07/01/2018 16:57

I did speak to my union rep very briefly as the rep was just about to leave for the Christmas break.
Union rep said to wait until goady colleague said something, then write an email to say don't do that again - but that does not help in the heat of the moment!

I'm worried I am going to snap at her in front of everyone and she will get what she wants.

I am losing my self-respect for not standing up to her, there and then.

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 07/01/2018 16:58

You have handed the situation well so far. if you really feel pushed into a corner (and some of those examples are extremely goady) a surprised "What IS the matter with you today?" will shift the focus from you to her.

But this is bullying and a potential HR issue. Note down everything so you have the evidence you need for them to investigate, including any witnesses.

IrenetheQuaint · 07/01/2018 16:59

What's your manager like? Are they her manager too?

Original poster
Wauden · 07/01/2018 17:03

Great comments, thanks everyone. Will mention it to HR as well.

The team were out for Christmas drinks when goady colleague started up 'oh, I asked what XYZ was like and you always reply what they look like, ha ha ha' - and I did make a pointed comment about 'there's been a lot of laughing at me recently'.

Mumonashoestring- people react by looking embarassed and looking down, working quietly.

OP posts:
retirednow · 07/01/2018 17:04

I had this at my last job, sneaky two faced drama, I couldn't stand it any more so jacked it in. Manager was useless but they were related so no one stood a chance againgst their petty unprofessional bullying. It still goes on so they clearly never learn.

Original poster
Wauden · 07/01/2018 17:07

IrenetheQuaint, goady one was the manager, got demoted and we now share the new manager. Goady one not happy that I get on with the new manager.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 07/01/2018 17:09

Try saying calmly, "Why are you doing this?" Don't get involved in an argument, just keep repeating, "Why are you imitating me? Why are you repeating what I say?"

You could also quite openly pick up a notebook and write the date, time and what she said in it. She'll know exactly what you're doing.

IrenetheQuaint · 07/01/2018 17:10

Great news that a) the goady one was demoted - which suggests they're onto her and b) you get on with the new manager.

Can you raise the situation with the new manager in your next 1:1? Ask if s/he has any suggestions for how you could best manage the dynamic?

Frouby · 07/01/2018 17:12

I would just give a little head tilt and make reference to the fact she is no longer manager then. 'Oh sorry I thought you were pulling me up on something then, then I remembered (whisper) you're not my manager anymore'.

Then go to the actual manager and tell him/her what you have said on here. Let them deal with it.

bettydraper31 · 07/01/2018 17:13

God she sounds awful. No wonder she got demoted. What a childish person!

She sounds like the school playgroup bully that needs to get punched back in order to back off. But I understand you don’t want to say anything in case you lose your cool. Could you say something like “that’s enough now, thank you very much. You’ve had a good laugh now I’d appreciate it if you stop”. Especially as she’s your level now!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/01/2018 17:14

Hmm I had this at work once. Lots of stupid jibey comments about me not having a boyfriend and being on the shelf, basically implying I was unattractive. I was actually living with my partner at the time but I didn't consider its this person's business. One day I just snapped and told them to stop being so unprofessional and leave my office. They were a bit shocked and actually never did it again.