To dread going into work: colleague

[Wauden]

A colleague has turned horrible to me and its really getting to me. It can be quite sneaky, ie setting up a situation where she starts accusing me of saying something or misinterpreting something I said.

Worse is she stands up in the office and sneers at me to others: 'Wauden said xyz, ha ha ha'. Last time I just avoided the general conversation, and when she was goading me, just smiled and avoided eye contact so she said 'Wauden smiled, ha ha ha'

I raised some small thing at a team meeting and she glowered at me and said aggressively to me: 'Was that so unreasonable of me to ask you to do?' - regarding a small task she had asked me to do - I was just filling in the others, as I wanted to update them - straightforward.
I just said nothing to be calm and dignified .
She twists things round.

I think she wants my job.

What do I say in front of others? She is really ramping up the goading of me to get a reaction which I won't give her.
But I feel I will snap any day now!!!
Help - what should I do in the heat of the moment?

[FlippingFoal]

It's hard when someone accuses you of saying something or implying something when there are no witnesses - the more you try and defend yourself the worse you look. I've looked and looked for advice on how to deal with these type of people and the advice is often poor :( I'm still none the wiser...

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Well if there are no witnesses then you tell them to shut the fuck up, or you will start making their life very difficult.

[Wauden]

About the 'you said X, yes you did, Wauden, or you implied it'
then me rebutting 'No I did not' - calmly - @FlippingFoal - yes, that's it exactly, when I responded she made it into a big thing in front of the whole office and I just had to leave to work elsewhere. Then she sent a wierd email copied to the new boss 'You were upset because [insert wrong stuff].' Goady one ties things into knots.

Thinking about it, she is temporary, I am permanent, so she wants my job.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

How temporary is she, will she be gone soon?

[MissConductUS]

I agree with everyone who says that you need to make a note of each incident and put it all in writing to HR and your manager. Try not to be alone with her if you can help it. Not getting into it with her in the moment is really the best option. Ask your manager to intervene if they see it happening.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Yeah she wants you to quit so she gets your job, except it sounds to me like she wouldnt even if you did leave.

Make a formal complaint for bullying, she has to be stopped.

[Pearlsaringer]

Temporary eh? I'm just thinking that if she has to apply for a permanent role, it isn't going to go well for her if she is at the centre of an investigation into bullying. I'd say you have all the cards, OP...

[Wauden]

Goady one does not do this in front of managers.
Its like she is also trying to set the others against her.

When her demotion was getting obvious, I tried to help her in lots of ways including saying to managers how good she was at technical matters (which she is). Putting in good words about her to everyone.
Now she has just flipped and lashed out at me.

So I feel really betrayed.

[daisychain01]

Wauden I personally wouldn't comment to her on anything she says to you, it will add fuel to her fire. Tread carefully, be guarded, and you may find she will pick up on your demeanour and maybe even think you've already sought HR advice. Be completely calm and unconcerned. If you challenge her she will try gaslighting you, being all innocent and denying shes manufacturing these situations out of nothing.

You have employment rights with the company, her rights are restricted to her agency.

I'd continue documenting the specific situations. When you get to about 5-6 situations, type it all up and get an independent opinion of your union rep, as to how serious they objectively feel it is. Ask if it's something HR need to get involved with. Try to keep your personal opinions aside and just report fact, dates, context (open office, meeting with other staff, 1to1 etc)

This woman is a temp, she is bonkers trying to lock horns with you - if she wants a job there she's going about it the wrong way. She's coming across as a bullying troublemaker!

[frasier]

You've handled it very well so far. Report if you feel it has got that far. Make a note of everything. As someone suggested, you could have a goto phrase to save yourself from snapping. Practise in the mirror, seriously!

Something such as "You mention that a lot, you seem to have a problem with me" said calmly and directly to the person, especially in front of witnesses, may embarrass them into stopping. If they continue to do it, ask them directly to stop.

If you need an incentive to not bite their head off, just remember they are doing it so you lose your cool and do just that. So "bug watch", treat them like an interesting experiment where you are the professional and they are the clown and watch them dig themselves in deeper.

[kinkajoukid]

Ugh, she sounds awful :(

As Irene and others say, it helps you that the woman has been demoted - others know her 'limitiations' and it is provides a clear motive so it won't be heard for others to see that she is bullying you out of spite. Do make it clear to your manager that this woman is causing you problems and that you expect management to act so that she does not disrupt the team any further.

For yourself, I would try to cultivate an attitude toward her of a vaguely amused pity with a tinge of contempt at her obvious lack dignity, expressed with a suitably raised eyebrow and a quarter of a supressed smile to yourself. Make sure this isn't a lowering of your eyes or shoulders as that would read as submission/defeat, but merely a fleeting WTF Paddington bear hard stare look in her eye, then - instant disinterest/ dismissal, move the conversation on away from her with an "Anywaaaaaaaaaaay..." You want your face to say that you've fully clocked her nonsense but replying would merely be beneath you; that you know she is behaving ridiculously like a tedious precocious child but are leaving it to management to pull her up. Some posh characters in books/telly have a wonderful way of being contmeptuously dismissive like this which is generally really mean, but a perfect response for bullies I think!!

I have to practice a character mindset like this sometimes as I am generally really nice and can get affected by people being shit.. However the water of a ducks back whilst taking no shit is the way to present yourself I think. I used to take no shit from bullies when I was younger as I somehow just didn't give them any credence, but am more emotional and 'soft' now that I have health problems and have noticed that it definitely makes me a target for some bastards. Not saying this is you, just reflecting on my own experiences!

Also, try to make sure that you don't back away from her into a corner or become sidelined where she is the centre of attention in a dominating postiion but actually step forward and claim your space in the office and move about in a confident upbeat manner. Body language can say a lot when words are not advisable. Hope she gets her comeuppance soon OP.

[Kinkajoukid]

Yes, 'bug watch' as Frasier puts it!!

[Wauden]

II just hope I can continue to keep biting my tongue yet not being a push-over. Fine balance.
In my mind, I had rehearsed a 'now stop that' phrase, but I know she will turn this round to make me look bad.
I am going to practice the body language as kinkajoukid suggests and bug watch as frasier says.
I cannot just walk away...

[PumpkinPie2016]

I would keep doing what you are doing - ignore her/stay calm/serene and say nothing. Don't email her - personally I think that was bad advice from your union rep. She is looking for a reaction from you - that's exactly what she wants so don't give her the satisfaction!

Keep a diary of all incidents including who else was around at the time. As you get on well with the manager, take the diary and speak to them about the situation.

You mention she is temporary - how long is left on her contract?

[specialsubject]

Just pass to management. If they are even half competent she should be heading for the street.

[Wauden]

PumpkinPie2016, I had wondered about the union advice as it did not stop the matter in its tracks. I just don't want it to build up and become an issue. I have to be tough yet sensitive to the dynamics.
Three years left on her contract.

But why has she turned on me???

[KatharinaRosalie]

No this does not mean you have to sit in silence for 3 years. But it's one thing to take one isolated incident to management/HR, and continuous bullying case. Record everything. Find strength in thinking that every mean thing she says is just strengthening your case. Once you have a strong case with numerous examples, report this.

[DaviesMum]

So glad I'm not the only one dreading work because of a colleague, I share your pain.

[echt]

just don't want it to build up and become an issue It is already an issue.

Don't react. Make sure your diary is retrospective, even if you don't have exact dates, of everything she has said, also the advice given by your union.

She's turned on you because she can. Don't bother your head with her motives, only her behaviour.

She already has form for manipulating situations, so my guess is you are being stoked to say/do something unprofessional, so take a deep breath and continue as you have been doing,

[ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul]

Keep going as you are or even just a head tilt but say nothing. If anything my advice is to back off from her a bit and become less reactive not more so because she will escalate and if you keep up the non reaction, trust me she will overstep to the point where she is sackable here and then.

[ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul]

There and then FFS!

[user1495222250]

Sounds like she is very jealous of you, OP. If you just keep calm and let her carry on showing herself up (it sounds like other colleagues have noticed) it will bug the hell out of her. I'd find that very satisfying!

Have you been keeping the silly emails she sent and a record of what's been happening? If it'd make you feel more comfortable, you can take a union rep (or another colleague) in with you when make it formal with HR.

[Mouikey]

NOte everything down, times, dates, who was there, what was said and how it made you feel.

Talk to both your manager at your next 1:1 and e plain what you are doing. Also talk to HR and your union rep again (but the advice they gave to email her wasn’t, in my view as a union rep, the best).

Also, my understanding is that no matter what your contract states, if you are employed by a company over 2 years (and possible less time these days) you have the same rights as a permanent member of staff.

[hazell42]

never mind writing it down. leae your phone in your desk and next time she is being obnoxious hit record

[Pearlsaringer]

Good suggestion Hazell42 but best not rely on this alone as recordings won’t always pick up speech clearly from a distance nor will they record non-visual information such as facial expressions or gestures. Notes are the conventional means of recording events like this, recording is a helpful back up.