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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is Dh a prize twat

45 replies

sibble · 20/04/2007 06:43

I know most of you are still in bed so am more venting than expecting an answer (and trying not to open that lovely bottle of red that is calling to me) so here goes.....

Dh was meant to have taken off this week from work, the second week of the school hols, I found out this wasn't going to be the case while excitedly telling a friend about all the lovely thinsg we had planned - he just cut me dead with an 'I'm not taking the week off, too many other people off blah blah, too busy blah blah, what do you expect of me blah blah. I'll tag some days onto the weekends and we'll have some long weekends'. Did he ...no . but he'll take the odd day - did he ...no BUT he managed to take a day off last week for a corporate fishing trip. When I said how could he possibly spare the time 'don't I know how many trips he turns down how lucky I am that he doesn't go on as many trips as others blah blah' well strangely enough I don't consider myself lucky. As tomorrow he's off to play golf in the afternoon, watching rugby late afternoon, staying overnight, then he'll be home by 8am Sunday 'cos he's being picked up to go to watch the V8 racing, hold the dinner I'll be late and would have been entertained in the corporate tents all day. So I just called him to see if he was nearly home, might like to see the boys before they go to bed, being the end of school hols and him being away and all that at the weekend. Boys get up at 5.30 am usually, he gets home 7-7.30pm once they are in bed or on their way. Well he's at work, if he leaves now he'll sit in traffic, why am I so unreasonable, why is everything such a big deal.

Well excuse me but having just entertained 2 boys for the 2 + weeks hols on my own and the thought of this weekend looming just wanted to double check that it's not me being unreasonable.

Well they say putting it in writing is meant to make you feel better so why is the steam still coming out of my ears

That's me done for now am off to sharpen the knives and take another look at that bottle of red

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 20/04/2007 13:12

Sibble..you may as well tell him you're leaving him...how would your life chane? He would still lead a single life style and you would be bringing the dc's up by yourself...don't put up with the selfish shit!!

GreebosWhiskers · 20/04/2007 13:17

I think he's being an absolute dickhead! I have the opposite problem with my dh - he doesn't want to do anything on his own at the weekends 'cos it's 'family time'. Fair enough, but what he really means is that me & 2 dcs should traipse around the middle of nowhere watching him fiddle with his binoculars/telescope/camera while I try & keep the los quiet so they don't scare off the birdies.

Blu · 20/04/2007 13:24

He is being very very selfish and not acting like a patrner in this relationship at all.

You are working AND doing ALL the childcare during time - weekends - which should be shared chilcare and family time.

I would tell him that you are working and he has total responsibility for childcare over this weekend. Get in the car and go somewhere.

And I would do that every time he has your SS over and disappears himself. Until he gets the message.

And i certainly would not cook anything for him, at all, while you are doing the 100% holiday childcare or working himself.

He is taking you for granted, and has no respect for your time.

kimi · 20/04/2007 13:29

Your not unreasonable,
He is being a selfish twonk

LazyLine · 20/04/2007 13:30

Maybe he never booked the holiday from work in the first place?

kittyhas6 · 20/04/2007 14:21

Oh Sibble your bloke needs a very hard slap across the chops and then you could hit him EVEN harder over the head with that empty bottle of red. Ok so there's a bit of a violent theme going on here but I feel very angry for you.

DON'T PUT UP WITH IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AnnainNZ · 21/04/2007 10:18

Sibble, do you think it's a Kiwi thing? I'm in NZ too (the clue's in the nickname!) though I'm English, lived here 6 years and love it, but the blokes here are very blokey sometimes and seem to think that sport/fishing/other blokes/competing over who has the biggest barbecue takes precedence over everything else. NOt all of them of course, but a reasonable amount. I escaped this by marrying an Englishman (though i'm sure they have their moments too)

AnnainNZ · 21/04/2007 10:20

P.S. Please have several glasses of the red for me, I'm 11 wks pg and missing it!

Original poster

sibble · 21/04/2007 23:18

Hi AnnainNZ, I think that may be part of it, however much kiwi blokes like to think they're all singing all dancing new men, he's a prize chauvanistic twat. BUT if there's any justice in the world, he came back from the rugby this morning, his team had lost, he looked like *t and was as green as can be as he jumped into the car with his mate (his mate was driving) to head of for the V8's at Pukekohe. HIs friend is one of the loveliest but loudest blokes known to man and was brandishing a lovely bottle of red wine at 8am this morning. Nealry finished DH off. Small things I know, but I did feel much better just looking at how ill he looked

BTW where are you and what bought you here?

OP posts:

AnnainNZ · 21/04/2007 23:35

Sibble, I like the bit about him looking very green. My dh is comatose in bed after a big night out last night and only awake to say how ill he's feeling - felt like saying, yeah, try MS for 6 weeks! But we don't have any kids (yet - 11 wks pg with first) so I don't begrudge him a night out.

Came to NZ just travelling for a year, liked it so much I decided to stay a bit longer, met (English) husband over here, got married at Xmas and pg in Feb, so been quite busy! Have just moved out to Green Bay (West Auckland), how bout you?

expatinscotland · 21/04/2007 23:38

I'd be the single mother I already was whilst still married to such a twat, sibble.

So he is actually the lucky one.

Because spending time with your kids shouldn't even be something your spouse has to nag you about.

Original poster

sibble · 22/04/2007 01:07

I know, I've actually contemplated leaving him many times over the years, but ... (isn't there always a but)... I've got used to it, except when he excels at pushing the limits like this weekend, I don't liek confrontation, I've tried reasoning like an adult and flying into him like a mad banshee but at the end of the day he's not going to change and doesn't want to. If I'd known this before I married him I wouldn't have (actually I'll rephrase that before I had DS1 - shut the door after the horse had bolted ) So I either lump it or like it and as people have pointed out it's his loss because my boys are lovely. Sometimes, I just need to vent like when he takes the pee at the end of the school hols when I am knackered, run out of entertaining ideas and over the fighting between outings.

AnnainNZ I'm in Whitford, South Auckland.

OP posts:

Papillon · 22/04/2007 01:22

From personal experience men need wake up calls or they start being complacent and twatish

ghosty · 22/04/2007 01:31

Ah, Sibble ...
Methinks a girly weekend to Melbourne might be in order ....
Just know that you are a legend and that you did a bloody good job in the holidays and praise yourself ...

mumto3girls · 22/04/2007 16:05

Sibble..so in all honesty..what keeps you there?

Moomin · 22/04/2007 16:20

Is there anything he provides or brings to the household (other than money) that makes your life nicer, easier and more worth living? Was talking to a friend once whose h had left her with 2 kids. I said I didn't know how I'd cope in her position and she said 'ah but moomin, your dh is a practical help to you as well as emotional support; and his family come first' Her h was no help round the house, left all childcare and leisure time with kids to her and also wasn't the most supportive bloke in the world anyway... so in some ways her life was a lot cimpler with just her and the kids - she already knew what it would be like to be a single parent in a lot of ways.

Why should you sacrifice the chance to meet someone else one day and be loved that way you deserve? and why do you have to carry on with this behaviour maybe subconsciously teaching your kids some very dodgy lessons about the role of a husband / father and your role in allowing it? (sorry didn't mean to sound critical of you there, hope you see what i mean)

Moomin · 22/04/2007 16:20

simpler

mumto3girls · 22/04/2007 16:21

Good post Moomin.

Elasticwoman · 22/04/2007 20:41

I think we're all agreed that you can expect more practical and emotional support from dh than what you seem to be getting. But some of the advice about leaving him or confronting him - well, it's easier to advise that than to do it.

From what you report of conversations, I guess he already feels guilty and knows that he is in the wrong. He has just weakly agreed to do what people at work have tempted him to do, finding it easier to upset you than to lose face with them.

Relationship counselling, as some one else suggested, would be fine if you could get him to go, but he may well refuse.

All I can suggest is that when you do discuss these things, try to ask open questions. Rather than criticise him for what he's done, ask him for example, what contact he DOES want in his children's lives, what he would like to do with them in future, and when will that be. Ask him what he wants his relationship with them to be like. Also, when do you, Sibble, get some time off? Do you have any close relatives who would take the children while you and dh have childfree time off together?

I knew another mum who took time off to go on holiday with girlfriends just because her dh had gone away with his friends before, and she wanted to redress the balance. But she wasn't at all happy on the holiday because really she wanted to be with her dc (who were tiny) and was worried about them.
Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Moomin · 22/04/2007 21:45

But it's that huge frustration you get with a situation like that: you know how you feel when you don't spend enough time with the kids or you miss out them doing something; and you can't understand why he doesn't feel the same. Many, many couples have this problem with varying degrees. Sometimes the balance can be redressed with a bit of compromise on both sides, but if your dh can't / won't see it then I guess you need to work out to what degree can you tolerate this situation. Ask yourself : if he never gets any better in this respect (time and inclination to spend time) with you and the kids, could you live with it?

Also recognise that's it's easy to sit here and just say 'leave the twat!'; but you also need to think about your own quality of life and that of your kids. If you love him and you can live with this situation and just boil over from time to time, then ok. But if you think there's more to life for you all (not including your dh of course, who is constantly thinking about his own quality of life, thank you very much), then it's a bit harder. You only get one crack at life though.

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