Dad in tears about Christmas

[SingleKrisKringle]

My dad has been so upset tonight about Christmas and he's not a man who cries!

Basically he dotes on my nephew/his gs but my sister has announced that she would like all family gifts delivered prior to Christmas Eve as all presents are to be from Father Christmas/Santa not getting into that debate

I can't get too worked up about it. She wants him to believe, says we can say relatives told Santa to buy the presents they bought and still hand over a little gift from us, she thinks this will stop people going overboard and I think that will most definitely be a result as most people want to 'see their face' when they open gifts.

However I also totally understand my dads side too. He's concerned my nephew (3) will wonder why his family aren't buying for him and will see other people exchange gifts. I guess this year it won't be a problem but if she wants to keep doing it this way in future I can see that maybe becoming an issue. Also gratitude I suppose, if he thinks someone else is giving the gifts he won't be thanking anyone. Again, probably not so much an issue this year.

So... AIBU to be on the fence? My head is telling me keep quiet it's her decision, I don't want things to be strained for Christmas. I love my sister dearly but she can be ver stubborn. On the other hand my dad being so sad did break my heart a little bit.

Any suggestions for compromise or reasons one way is better than the other will maybe help me get the splinters out....

[MeAndMyElephant]

I don't know about the OP, but our DD was the first on both sides of the family. For the first few years, PIL, DM and DF (separated) both bought as if they were the parents and we ended up with 10 or so presents from each of them. So 30 gifts before we'd bought anything. And then we had aunts, uncles, friends all arriving with one or two gifts each.
It was overwhelming. We did not have space for everything and we didn't want or use half the stuff.
So in the end we put out a one-gift-only rule to everyone. And boy did they all hate us for it.
But we were just sick of it. Sick of our DD being so spoiled, sick of having to remember which person had bought which plastic toy. sick of tripping up over everything for weeks as people visited and expected to see their gifts out and being used.
So I have complete sympathy with your Dsis. I would be supporting her, not undermining her.

[SingleKrisKringle]

pineapplescrunchie I can definitely confirm dad got him more than one gift last year. Truthfully it was more than one sack I wasn't as bad but I know I got too much. We could see he was overwhelmed and my sister was not pleased so we would have cut right down anyway. A conversation was had in the new year which was expected and totally fair.

As a family we all go a bit overboard even for adults. I suppose prior to dn it was just adults. Dsis never complained about overindulgence for her as far as I can remember but that's not the issue I suppose!

Thinking about it with a fresh head today she knows it would cause upset to say don't buy more than one gift (I accept it shouldn't but in the context of our family it would be really unusual) so I think this is perhaps a way to force that situation as we are all 'allowed' to present him with one gift on the day.

Given that is she being less unreasonable? I don't think either side is coming off great but we do all love each other so just want to get a sense of how to tackle this.

[diddl]

Did your sister give any indication last year of what/how much she wanted for her son & was this totally disregarded?

Would it have been better for your sister just to have accepted a couple of things & given the rest back?

[Wtfdoipick]

SingleKrisKringle What's your dad really upset about, the fact he is effectively limited to one present? Before you try talking to your sister it might be worth checking what your dad has already bought or what he was planning on buying. It might be that your dad is still going overboard and may have made the odd comment to your sister to make her think he will.

[bonbonours]

I think it's totally right that kids should know that family etc have bought presents for them. I know he is only little now but even at that age, my kids were taught to say thank you to the person who gave them a gift. As soon as they were old enough they wrote thank you letters.

I love the magic of kids believing in Santa but don't see why he should get all the credit. The way we work it, Santa brings some things, mum and dad give some and other family members give each other presents.

Presumably other people in the family give each other presents so when he is older he will think it's a bit odd that nobody in the family gives him a present. "Nobody loves me only Santa!"

[SingleKrisKringle]

There is no way my dad will just buy one thing. So he is upset he will only get to see him opening one thing and he'll need to hand the rest over, or not buy anything else. Those are the options.

So it seems us buying too much has led to this. I'm thinking maybe a conversation to assure her we will cut right down but maybe dad can still see him opening a lesser amount. Thinking about it now dad is probably over excited to buy gifts for a boy.

I'm glad I didn't text anything last night. Think I'll speak to her today

[PineappleScrunchie]

I think you would be getting different responses if you’d said that in the OP. People are assuming this is your sister being “grabby” when actually it is the opposite.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

I havent read all of the replies but I suspect she was annoyed that she had bought him some things that she really thought he wanted and her / father christmas's presents were overshadowed by the sacks full everyone else arrived with. You rained on her parade and she wanted it to be special.

There have been many threads about this..

MIL had ruined christmas, we bought DS a wooden train and some really special books from FC and she has gone out and spent a fortune on cheap plastic crap that she knows I will never have in my house. DS was completely over whelmed by MIL shoving all the wrapping and plastic in his face and playing with the noisy toys that he started crying and spent most of Christmas asleep in his room. AIBU to insist that MIL only bring one present this year and that if she insists, I will wrap the others from FC; that way I can hide half of them and save them for presents to give away, if she asks, I will tell her he has enough and she can keep them for his birthday.

[SingleKrisKringle]

Probably overthinking it but I'm now wondering why she hasn't just put a one gift limit on us. Could it be that perhaps then she would limit herself to one gift from us too as there's no way we'd buy her more than dn!!

[Wtfdoipick]

Would anyone have listened to a one gift limit. It's starting to sound like your dad hasn't listened to the instruction not to go overboard and your sister is trying any way possible to rein it in.

[SingleKrisKringle]

I said it really early on in my first reply pineapple but I accept not everyone will read replies

[waterrat]

Oh god I would absolutely hate my child to be given a sack of presents.

The planet is actually being slowly killed by plastic - this isn't a joke - our kids need us to value time and experiences not plastic crap.

You are the one in the middle here so why don't you sit down your dad and explain the reality of this to him - kids do NOT need lots of presents - tell him it would matter much more to your nephew to have one thoughtful present and lots of cuddles and tickles from his grandad instead!

[MeAndMyElephant]

There is no way my dad will just buy one thing.
Your dad sounds more childish than the GS. Why does your dad think Xmas is just about what he wants? And cries if he doesn't get his own way?
If he is not prepared to respect your DSis on this, then I doubt he will respect her on very much else.
Your DSis is trying to create a boundary to stop your dad dictating what happens at Xmas. You should be supporting her.

[MeAndMyElephant]

Could it be that perhaps then she would limit herself to one gift from us too as there's no way we'd buy her more than dn!!
Do you honestly think that is her motive?

[Novemberblues]

Dh and I give the dc some smaller gifts ( as a back up in case HE cant make it) - all main gifts and bulk of gifts are from FC here. Then as we see various relatives THEY give their gifts or are labelled from them.
I think its fair for your df to give some gifts to his GS however on the other hand he is a grown man, isnt his GS delight enough for him!

[missiondecision]

I really would not buy at all of my family told me I couldn’t give the gift myself. It’s so controlling, even under the circs you discribe.

[diddl]

" Could it be that perhaps then she would limit herself to one gift from us too as there's no way we'd buy her more than dn!!"

How strange you all sound!

Buy one present to give to GS/nephew.

Buy a couple more from FC if you want!

Buy your daughter/sister whatever the fuck you please!

Tell your dad to do as he is fucking well told!

So what if a couple of things go under the tree & his GS doesn't know that they are from him.

He won't love him any less!

[SingleKrisKringle]

meandmyelephant that was my attempt at being lighthearted

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Sounds like your dad is more the issue here than your sister then.

He needs to understand that overwhelming DN isnt doing him any favours and "oh look at his face!" isnt so much fun when said face is close to tears for being over stimulated and pressured.

I would have a word with your dad about buying say 2 gifts for DN and make him stick to it, then speak to your sister and ask if the FC rule can be put to oneside on the back of that.

It is quite selfish of your dad to continue going overboard when the only person who gets any fun and satisfaction from it is him. You could try pointing out to him that 2 well chosen presens will mean far more to his grandson and will be more likely to be remembered and more importantly, actually played with! The kid only has 2 hands after all and I wonder how much of the sacksful of gifts you gave last year was ever used and how much was charity shopped.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Surely the way to deal with this is just not to pbey? The sister can't force everyone to deliver presents ahead of time, and unless she's going to snatch the presents out of her kid's hand when they are given by grandpa, then that's what should appen?

[ArcheryAnnie]

Ah, sorry - have caught up a bit and the problem is with too many presents. In which case perhaps everyone involved - and particularly Grandpa - should rein it in a bit. One present from Grandpa is fine, and if the OP's dad finds this a problem then too bad. Going overboard with mounds of tat is just horrible, really, even when done with the best of intentions.

[MeAndMyElephant]

ArcheryAnnie - you are right, everybody could completely ignore what DSis wants, but the fall out from that could be very unpleasant and last a very long time.
If my family deliberately ignored my requests regarding my child, I don't think I would bother seeing them very much. If at all.

[SingleKrisKringle]

To be honest I've thought for a few years we could all do with cutting down for each other.

Christmas has just always been this massive deal in our family and we all got mountains of presents which admittedly when I was a child was loads of fun. However as an adult it feels like pressure to reciprocate. I didn't realise until I was an adult how much we went overboard and I find myself lying in conversations with other people about what we get each other because I know it would sound batshit. It's just the way it's always been.

Think this could be the start of a change for all of us. I think I will speak to my dad first and reiterate all the reasons here why us buying too much may be out of love but actually it could be upsetting for dsis. I'm not sure he'll get it given the fact he thinks, more presents more fun but I have enough from this thread to give him food for thought.

I think the pp who mentioned keeping toys at his house and playing throughout the year may be a good compromise?

[MeAndMyElephant]

ArcheryAnnie - sorry, cross post.

[theEagleIsLost]

Could your Dad be re-directed?

Panto tickets - paying for an activity or day out?

I like children to say thank you and for the person buying the gifts to see them get opened.

However we has a Christmas with pfb were we were overwhelmed - first was pretty much ignore and third other GC were here - but that one Christmas was stupid and most of the gifts inappropriate way too large no off buttons clothes we couldn’t or wouldn't use. Entire morning was about opening present and filming our child got overwhelmed and it sucked all the joy out of it for us.

So I’m more sympathetic to your sister than I thought I’d be. I'd try re-directing your father and suggest he talks to your Dsis directly.