Am I being precious!?

[Watsonwotsit]

I have 2 year old twins. At the moment I'm struggling to take them places like soft play alone. I tend to stick to walks in the pushchair whilst dh is at work, when he's home we do plenty of trips to the farm, walks up the mountain, soft play and running around the park.

My friends who all have 1 toddler or a toddler and an older child don't seem to understand why I can't do lots of these activities. I'm not comfortable in soft play because I can't keep an eye on both, walks without the pushchair one or the other inevitably decides not to walk (we are working on this and they are improving!)

Basically I'm being made to feel that I'm being precious and should just let them get on with it and stop hovering around them.

They go to nursery for a few sessions a week, we do lots of craft and play outdoors in the garden most days so they're not cooped up all the time.

Aibu? If you have twins when did these things get easier?

[Tinkerbell2003]

I have 13 month old (walking) twins so completely understand how hard it is but you’ve got to push yourself. I often find that things are easier than you think they’ll be and people generally help - either friends or even strangers sometimes. I do baby groups and go to soft play. If they head off in opposite directions, I grab one and someone else grabs the other one. I’m sure your twins aren’t missing out on anything but personally I’d find it really isolating to avoid all the normal mum/baby things

[Cornishclio]

I need eyes in the back of my head just watching my DGD aged 2 so yes watching twins in soft play or wherever sounds very stressful. Not so bad if you have one who doesn't move much but 2 active toddlers running around with just one person to watch them sounds like hell to me. YANBU to feel your friends should get off your back. Did any of them offer to help?

[Alwaysstressed999]

Sounds like you're doing a fab job OP!!! Never mind what other people say! Only do what you feel comfortable doing! It's struggle doing some things even with 1 little 1! I had a 2yr 3m gap between mine and I avoided soft play as much as possible x

[WanderingStar1]

My twins are 9 now but 2 and 3 were very tricky years. I did do soft play as I just let them go - but some things were a nightmare. I think it depends on the children - DD was quite good and could be told to stay or held on a harness or wrist strap - but DS wouldn't be restrained and would run off / into the road etc so going out and about was hard. As PPs have said though, it gets easier and easier, and is so great having built in playmates all the time, it is really worth the trickiness of the first few years! Just do what you feel comfortable with. Enjoy!

[Watsonwotsit]

user I don't need to suck it up and get on with it thanks, I actually really enjoy having twins! My post was more about my friends lack of understanding than a look how hard my life is thread I'm perfectly capable of understanding that someone with a 13 month gap will have a hard time. funny that none of the twin mums on this thread have turned it into a competition...

Thank you so much everyone else for your lovely posts, I think my confidence was knocked slightly. So glad I posted

[Watsonwotsit]

Oh and I have given it a go quite a few times now but it's just not worth the stress. We only have one soft play place, it has a baby area which was great until around 18 months but they're too big for it now. The other part is 2 tiers and has high slides and steps etc.

[CoyoteCafe]

YANBU

I don't know how any one manages 2 year old twins without needing some sort of medication. I'm sorry your friends don't get it.

[Busybee1234]

Why are your 'friends' not helping you? I have friends with multiples and small age gaps. I ask these friends what they feel like doing / comfortable doing and then join them in that. I would be more than happy to join you in going for a walk if that is what is the easiest for you to do with your two. Plus if we're out as a group we share the childcare. I was waving puppets around the other day to distract Twin 1 who was having a meltdown and my child whilst my friend dealt with her Twin 2's blow out nappy next to me. She would have done the same for me if I was in her shoes.

[43percentburnt]

Find a twin group if you can, ours is great! Non judgemental and lots of really nice people!

Soft play - depends on the place. One near us would be ok, my 21 month olds couldn’t climb the dangerous bits and there is plenty of things to keep them amused. However another has very high slides and towers of netting etc. A fall could mean a 5 ft drop. I could definitely have managed ds aged 3 and one 1 year old but not twins aged 1. They run opposite ways and you can’t climb to rescue one whilst ensuring the other twin isn’t getting stuck in a tangle tower! Or attempting a death slide or taking someone’s sandwich/toy/shoe.

[Abbylee]

As the mother of Life guards and swim team dc, i just wanted to add that dh and i each took a dc for baby and me swim. It was a fun Saturday morn activity.

But what made me wonderfully happy was when ds told me that he remembers lying in bed at night before class so excited that he couldn't sleep. It's not always smugly saving money, sometimes it's hours of dc happiness.

[dantdmistedious]

Having twins is isolating in so many ways. Those with singletons or close in age siblings just don’t get it.

The only thing I can say is it does get easier and you’re certainly not being precious.

My at the time childless sister said to me that I used the kids as an excuse not to do things. The shoe is well and truly on the other foot now she has had 6 mo twins.

[oldlaundbooth]

My nearly four year old has a mate at nursery the same age who has 20 month old twin brothers.

I have seen the mother with the twins, picking the older boy up once. Once. As a pp said, she never leaves the house with all three alone. It's just too much.

You're doing great op.

[marymoosmum]

I only have one very active, stubborn 3 year old and a 6 week old. When my DD was 2 I had to have eyes in the back of my head at soft play, it was exhausting, it's not as bad now I can just let get go. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like with twins. I don't think your being precious at all.

[JLo1979]

I think a little bit of both. When my dc4 was born my eldest had just turned 5. I still brought them to soft play as was my sanctuary. They took off in all directions with new friends so were never with each other. Plus my babies all fed on demand so was quite often sitting on a chair feeding if one did need me. Yes when friends were around they helped me out but I often went on my own.

I actually was not a fan of parent and toddler groups as inevitably there was a lot of forced happy clappiness which drove me mad(the falseness, are they really like this at home? I suspect not).

I do think though once you get past two kids, you stress less and let them explore a bit more as you are physically unable to keep an eye on everyone all the time.

[iMogster]

At the moment it is genuinely hard work and you shouldn't do anything that is too stressful if you don't want to. I don't think you are being precious, just realistic!

I know that user came across a bit harshly, but I can see where she's coming from. I have a friend with twins and she was constantly told ooh double trouble, that's going to be tough etc, that she kind of fell into that way of thinking. Twins as babies and toddlers are harder. Now her twins are 7, she has it easier than other parents who have 2 children who are different ages. But she still plays the 'twins card' and says sob stories about how hard it is ALL the time.

[Pennywhistle]

iMog but IME that’s not a common attitude among twin parents though.

I said in an earlier post that I thought that from 3yo that my life was mostly easier than my friends with two singletons. However even at older ages thee are some sorcfic challenges with twins that you don’t have with children of different ages.

Nevertheless the OP didn’t say “poor me I have twins” she actually asked if her friends were right and should she be trying harder. Hence users post being so spectacularly unhelpful.

[Dutch1e]

YANBU. I don't have twins and wouldn't presume to understand what it's like. Even if I did have twins I wouldn't presume to understand what it's like for you

I'm sorry the people around you aren't more flexible

[Watsonwotsit]

@imog I get what you're saying but I honestly don't complain or make out I've hard a life because as a twin mum I've noticed people like to tell me how much harder they had it with a small gap and how that's much harder than twins. That's just from random people on the bus never mind some of the mums at baby group and some friends.

There's also the sly comments about being super mum so I've always been careful not to mention how easy some things have been. It's like walking a tight rope on times trying not to offend people.

My dc are good sleepers, never had any problems feeding, they're sociable etc so in lots of ways I've got it easier than some parents even with one dc. My issue is these particular events I find too difficult.

[Worriedobsessive]

Find your local twins group. That way you avoid dickheads like User who have no idea what they’re talking about. Just enduring a twin pregnancy and birth is hard enough let alone exponentially hard sleeplessness!

I dropped some friends I had from when my singleton was a baby, as they simply weren’t on the same wavelength as me with 3 under 2. My lowest moment was when the mother of a Very biddable single girl the same age as my eldest, cancelled our play date with half an hour to spare, because her daughter “wouldn’t get dressed.” She was 2. And I had worked flat out for hours just to get us all into the car.
She plainly had no idea what we were going through. We are in touch again now but we don’t socialise with the kids.

[legspinner]

Don't feel bad OP, it sounds as if you are doing a brilliant job. I had this too when my DTs were little. I envied the parents of singletons as they could take their DCs swimming by themselves / go to soft play etc and I couldn't do any of those things with mine until they were older. Even going to storytime at the library was an effort. I don't think I regularly took them swimming until they were 4 (and also had DD2 aged 2 to contend with as well). I thought too I should be trying harder but just didn't have the energy. Spent lots of time in parks though, and I'm an outdoors person, so that worked well for me.

Like some PPs I'd recommend a twins group. I felt much more at home there with my three under 2.5, lots of shared common experiences. Keep going OP you are doing awesome job

[legspinner]

PS my twins are 16 now and are lovely. It all got easier when they started school. Keep going!

[iMogster]

FWIW I never for a moment thought OP was complaining or saying woe is me.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Seen a couple of people I know with twins at that age. Super hard. They looked run ragged just trying to get out the door. They were lucky and went to a gym with a crèche and a very small soft play area so that worked as you really could leave them, but one was always going one way and one the other. Can’t believe your friends don’t see how hard it is. I certainly could and sympathised, now they have it much easier can do everything, but those early years seemed long.