Am I being precious!?

[Watsonwotsit]

I have 2 year old twins. At the moment I'm struggling to take them places like soft play alone. I tend to stick to walks in the pushchair whilst dh is at work, when he's home we do plenty of trips to the farm, walks up the mountain, soft play and running around the park.

My friends who all have 1 toddler or a toddler and an older child don't seem to understand why I can't do lots of these activities. I'm not comfortable in soft play because I can't keep an eye on both, walks without the pushchair one or the other inevitably decides not to walk (we are working on this and they are improving!)

Basically I'm being made to feel that I'm being precious and should just let them get on with it and stop hovering around them.

They go to nursery for a few sessions a week, we do lots of craft and play outdoors in the garden most days so they're not cooped up all the time.

Aibu? If you have twins when did these things get easier?

[Ifearthecold]

I reckon they get easier at 4, yes they miss out on somethings but gain in other ways, just like any other child will in some way. Mine are 9 and it is easier than any other combination now I reckon. They often get on well, if not always, they like lots of the same stuff if not everything and they always have someone around if they want that.

[HamNJam]

I think I worry too much that dc miss out on some things because they're twins so comments from my friends hit a nerve.

OP, it's hard isn't it? Fucking relentless at this age in fact.

But think about all the things your twins are not missing out on - someone to share all their special moments together, someone to help and support them through tough times - one of my favourite memories is of my twins starting reception class (together, only 1 intake) and taking hold of each other's hand as they walked away from me and into the classroom for the first time. They did that almost subconsciously, and it was really sweet to know that they did and could rely on each other for some support.

Good relations between siblings are not exclusive to twins, but it often happens because they are growing up together, experiencing most things together at the same time.

And of course, the plus side for you is... you only have to go through it once! That's got to be the best silver lining.

[babsthebuilder]

Completely agree. I used to have a colleague who had twins and another child one yr older. They’re not so little now, but she used to refuse to take them all out of the house unless she had another adult. Even when eldest was at nursery she didn’t feel she had the time to go anywhere decent in the time because they would always make everything more complicated. It was too stressful, and I can’t blame her. Or you. I think too that these friends need to be more supportive, and if ones child is older then they should help. My friends kids are teenagers now, but when we meet she will always sit with one of mine while I sort the other (not twins). I don’t think I have to ask, I think it’s just accepted as a friend she does this.

[babsthebuilder]

Oh and it sounds like you do so much with them.

[StripeyDeckchair]

Omg just reading this takes me back!
Mine have just turned 14 but those toddler years! I felt like I needed to be an octopus and have eyes in the back of my head!

I'd sort out one and the other would have disappeared/ runoff in the opposite direction etc etc. They're too young to reason with about danger/waiting for me/ their twin. When they got to 4/5 it became easier. I second the earlier poster who said dress them in bright, easy to identify clothes, it really helps.

[nameusername]

You're not. That's what I would call responsible parenting and I'd rather be able to keep an eye on them at all times rather than expecting others to keep a watchful eye on my behalf.

[MammaTJ]

A year and two weeks between my two. I went to toddler groups every day, I found that a lot easier than I would have soft play. They kid of bumbled around and I would follow whichever was being most difficult at the time. There were some lovely retired ladies who helped at two of the groups and they always offered to help too.

I remember there was a set of twins and a set of triplets that always went to one of the groups, both sets also had a toddler brother.

[OracleofDelphi]

I think as PP have said ou need new more supportive friends! Mine arent twins but 15 months apart, so could have 1 year on in buggy whilst chasing 2 year old . I did take them to soft play by myself but not until they were probably 2 and 3. I found farms and parks far easier, as less people and kids. Just took lots of change of clothes and antibac.... If your friends really waned you to go they would suggest helping you out. When ours were 1 and 2 we had a friend who had a 2 year old and 1 year old twins and he used to come to us all the time so we could do activities. 3 adults and 5 children aged 2 and under was quite stressful but with 3 adults pitching in was totally do-able. So if your friends helped you, you probably would feel more able to do it without your DH.

Life is too short to worry about people judging you for such bollocks. You sound like you are coping v well and do lots of lovely things with them.

[codswallopandbalderdash]

I don't think you are being precious. I think your friends are being unsupportive.
As for those who don't think much can go wrong at soft play, I take it you've never had the situation where older children have invaded the younger children's space, nor have you experienced unsupervised badly behaved children (e.g. child hitting 2-3 year olds on head in ball pool with a plastic gun)

[Briette]

Good grief, you’re already doing more with them than I did growing up and I turned out just fine! YANBU. Do what suits you and your twins and let judgy friends live their perfect lives with neverending soft play

[bellabelly]

I have 2 sets of twins and you are definitely not being unreasonable! If your friends are willing to help you while you're all out, then great but if they will be too busy looking after their own kid (s), then they can back off and butt out! You are NOT being precious.

Like others have said, it does all get much easier after a while - mine all suddenly seemed easier once they'd turned 3 and a half and could walk reliably (all were late walkers which again didn't help with getting out and about without buggy).

[bellabelly]

Also, soft play is ghastly.

[MrsJBaptiste]

Am I the only one who actually liked soft play?

[gluteustothemaximus]

OP, it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job. Not precious at all.

I have 3 kids, but big age gaps. My youngest is 20 months and he is a pickle!! If I had him x 2, no bloody way!!

And soft play is a shitty germ infested place of hell. They are not missing out

[randomsabreuse]

I don't have twins - my one opinionated toddler is hard enough to deal with so just do what you can do. 2 year olds are fast, fearless and stroppy and it takes long enough to get anywhere with just one source of delay!

I have enough trouble walking a sensible dog and my toddler - getting both to go in the same direction at the same time and at the same speed is rare - I can't imagine 2 toddlers! Have made far too many exits from soft play and parks with screaming and thrashing toddler under my arm as well - feeling judged every noisy step!

[Pennywhistle]

Bellababy I am bowing down in sheer admiration.

Watson you are not being in the least bit precious. The honest answer is that people with one baby have NO IDEA. Not one clue what they are talking about.

I did lots with my twins, lots of going to the park and groups and play dates etc (most of which was highly stressful but fun) but I very rarely ever went to soft play.

Softplay with toddler twins is a disaster waiting to happen in my view. One of mine was a runner and it was a nightmare. The few times we went I was running in sweat and stressed out my mind while everyone else was eating cake.

I completely understand about how you feel about what your friends said. Mine didn’t judge about softplay but a couple of them did judge about reins, about having child gates throughout the house and about having babyproofed the house to the Nth degree.

I did what I needed to in order to stay sane.

At one particular coffee morning I finally lost my temper and told them they had no fucking idea what they were talking about. I was less than polite in telling them the realities of life with toddler twins while they sat their with open mouths.

18 months later I sat with the same women and had to listen to them discuss with each other how difficult their lives were now that they had two children. I quietly left and went home

My twins are now 10 yo and they are absolutely fantastic. Really lovely kids, nicely behaved, good manners etc etc.

At 2 yo they were very, very difficult so hang on in there.

I found it got considerably easier at 3yo.

No child ever suffered from not going to bloody soft play.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

YANBU. My twins are nearly nine and I have mainly blocked from memory forgotten what it was like.

I did take them to soft play though - we had one (not local mind!) that was quite small so I could see every corner. I’d go first thing so there were hardly any other kids and stick em in the baby bit. Then drink coffee. Lots and lots of coffee

[Watsonwotsit]

I honestly can't tell you all how relieved and less lonely I feel after reading your replies. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me

@bella 2 sets! What gap is there between them?

Some days it's like Groundhog Day and I just do what I need to to get through. Other days which are becoming much more frequent we have so much fun, they are real little characters now and I love that I never have to do the sleepless nights again

[wonkylegs]

I only have one toddler and won't take him to soft play, wouldn't even entertain the thought of taking 2. He goes to nursery 2 days a week and we do plenty of other activities. He's just not doing soft play, funnily enough I don't think he's missing out at all.
My eldest witnessed a horrible accident at a soft play when he was little and wouldn't go back to them after that without getting hysterical. I talked to him about it but in the end just stopped going and did different things, I realised that despite my friends thinking it was the 'main activity' for toddlers and we 'must' do it actually we really didn't have to and we still had just as much fun just doing other things.
It sounds like they get to do lots of this kind of thing when you have a hand and so as long as you and them are happy it really doesn't matter what your 'friends' think.

[Watsonwotsit]

Well last time we went to softplay they caught chickenpox so we haven't been back since.

They love to be outdoors so when dh is off we tend to do visit mainly outdoor places.

I don't really know when soft play became the thing to do, when I was young it was a rare treat for a birthday or occasion.

[Pennywhistle]

When my two were three years old I suddenly looked at my friends who mostly had a 3yo and a 1yo and had the realisation that my life was now easier than theirs in lots of ways.

No nappies.
No high chairs.
No buggy.
They could both talk
They played together
They could sit nicely in a cafe and would eat pretty much anywhere
Much more sleep for me!

Apart from which three year old twins are incredibly awesome fun!! (Mostly)

PS don’t let anyone give you a hard time about not taking them to swimming lessons. I got told that they’d “never catch up” on the others who all went from they were babies and how vitally important it was to start early.

It’s all nonsense. My D.C. started lessons at 4yo and at 10 are the best swimmers in their class.

[mrsm12]

My twins are 2.5, we went to the zoo today and only because i went with a friend who is really supportive despite having 4 of her own, i spent the whole time counting and saying wheres x? Theres one soft play near me thats geared towards under 5 so we go there on the odd occassion but i always leave with a headache. Yanbu x a thousand! Do what we gotta do to get through this hard stage (and hope theres an easier stage eventually!)

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

I don't have twins but there is 6 weeks between DS and my Dsis, I took them to soft play together once, it was genuinely one of the most stressful afternoons I have ever had and I work with kids so trying to watch 15 different directions at once isn't unusual for me.

I swear they have some little sign language where one would distract me while the other got up to goodness knows what, i still vividly remember the afternoon age about 2 Dsis insisted I watch her dance and kept looking like she was waiting for something. The dance ended when DS shouted Ta-Da, he'd drawn on a beard and moustache in black permanent marker. Oh how Dsis laughed.

[bellabelly]

Watson, there's 3 years and 1 month between them so we had 4 under 4 for a while! It was, erm, challenging but luckily the younger ones were SUCH easy babies. That all changed when they reached toddlerhood but let's not dwell on that, eh?

It can all feel very lonely and I think part of that is that people really don't understand how it's different from having 2 dc. You only understand when you experience all the logistical hassles, etc for yourself. I vividly remember when my oldest DTs were toddlers, idly wondering which one I'd run after when they bolted in different directions!

On the plus side, I think I'm quite a lot more chilled out about small things than some of my mum friends. You have to let things wash over you a bit, or you'd go under. I will cheerfully admit to having very low standards - not going to win any parenting awards but then again, neither are any of us so why beat yourself up?!

[bellabelly]

@SparklyUnicornPoo - that really made me laugh! Ta-daa!!