DD picked on at school in Reception Class

[WeLikeLucy]

Hi, any views or advice on this would be good please. My DD is the first of my children to start school, so I'm new to dealing with playground antics.

I recently found out from my DD that a girl in her friendship group (let's call her Emma) is being very mean because (I've worked out) she does not like the close friendship my DD has with a girl that she wants to herself (let's call her Jane). Every day my DD says she has been told things like "We don't want to play with you", "You are not our friend", "We are allowed to do this, but you are not", etc (lots of these types of comments and not nice body language). The thing is, my DD is very good friends with Jane, so I don't want to tell her to just go and find another group to play with.

I have witnessed this myself. Every morning Emma is nasty to my DD in front of me - pushes my DD out of the queue and tells her she can't stand with them, and today my DD just said 'Hello' and Emma shouted 'No don't do that' and hugged Jane away from my DD.

As this is happened in front of me, I took Emma to one side and said that it wasn't nice of her to say that to my DD, who just said 'Hello' and that I know she has been saying other things that aren't nice at school to DD. I said if it continues, I will have a chat to her mother about it. I know her mother a little bit.

Did I do the right thing? If I just ignore it, it would look like I'm condoning this behaviour. My DD is not very confident and does not stand up for herself, she just backs away or cries when other children are mean.

[Gazelda]

OP, I get why you spoke to Emma about pushing. I’d have done the same. But this from your original post stands out to me
... and that I know she has been saying other things that aren't nice at school to DD. I said if it continues, I will have a chat to her mother about it. I know her mother a little bit.
It is what makes me believe you overstepped the mark. It comes across as quite threatening.

I can’t understand why you’d leave it to Parents Evening to raise this with the teacher? Surely this demonstrates to your DD that she speaks to teacher about difficulties as a last resort?

And your latest post, where you say that the pattern of behaviour is the ‘norm’, is the perfect example of why you must speak to the teacher ASAP. Give her/him chance to address it during the school day while you can’t be there to support and protect your DD.

[TheAntiBoop]

Onewhole

With dd we talked through why she thought her Emma behaved that way. Then dd mentioned the way her Jane just goes along with it. She herself exuded that wasn't very kind either.

We talked though the other kids in her class that she plays with and also the ones she didn't. Turns out there was a girl being left out all the time so we talked about dd playing with her instead. Which she did and they are great friends now and they play more widely with other kids. If her Emma isn't there then Jane wants to play with dd but dd is more wary of her - although still happy to play with her.

In these situations it's very easy to focus on Emma but Jane isn't a passive bystander and understanding the three points of the triangle is useful I think.

[Mittens1969]

My DD2 (5, year 1) is in a group of 4 friends, one of them her best friend. She falls out with them and makes up again regularly. That’s what the playground is like. So it will change.

Your DD could do with being more assertive so that she can stand up to girls like Emma. There will be others like her all through her school life. My DD1 used to back away easily and play with her ‘invisible fairies’ when pushed out. She’s had help at school with this, they have a ‘buddy’ system where they ask for girls to play with her if she’s alone. Is this something that could help?

My DD2 can fight her corner and is popular so she doesn’t struggle in the playground.

There will also be other girls in the playground that will be on their own, she’ll be able to make other friends. It helps to get to know the mums a bit, then you can invite friends to play dates. ‘Jane’ might be a different girl without ‘Emma’ around, if you can get to know her mum.

I’m good friends with DD2’s best friend so I am able to hear what her friend’s POV is of any falling outs.

It’s early days, there’s plenty of time for your DD to build friendships with other girls.

HTH.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Like pp I would have said a firm 'no pushing please' but dragging up the whole history and threatening to tell her mum was too much. If it's an ongoing issue you need to speak to the school.
I would be encouraging different friends tbh. Jane seems to, at best, be happy to follow along with the exclusion of your dd. There are probably girls in the class that play more nicely.

[Lurkedforever1]

aero yy I absolutely agree that I would involve the teacher.

papa insecurity about friendships at 4yrs old is also indiscriminate, not a deliberate personal attack. In all but very exceptional cases Emma will be trying to get rid of Jane because she doesn't understand that Lucy can be friends with them both, and therefore is jealous of time spent with Jane. Yes she needs to learn it doesn't work that way, and her current behaviour is unkind, but not to be labeled as deliberately nasty.

To do so is as unfair and ridiculous as saying Jane is being deliberately weak not to stick up for herself and Lucy is deliberately enabling it by not explaining she wants to be friends with both.

When in reality they are all just being 4 and therefore in need of some adult help.

Dd was the middle child with the first girl acting like Emma and the second quietly trying to manipulate Emma away. And I can assure you neither was/is a nasty child, or have ever been the type to knowingly plan to upset someone else. They were just very young children, and like every child ever born, they made a few social errors along the way.

I suppose it comes down to how you view childrens behaviour. I view unpleasant behaviour as just that, not an unpleasant child.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

It could be that Emma doesn't understand that she can be friends with both girls or maybe she just doesn't want to be friends with the ops dd and doesn't want Jane to be playing with the ops dd when she could be playing with her. Either Jane is in on the exclusion or she is being overpowered by Emma. Either way she is going along with it. I couldn't be bothered with it all personally. There are plenty of kids that age that don't push and exclude.