DD picked on at school in Reception Class

[WeLikeLucy]

Hi, any views or advice on this would be good please. My DD is the first of my children to start school, so I'm new to dealing with playground antics.

I recently found out from my DD that a girl in her friendship group (let's call her Emma) is being very mean because (I've worked out) she does not like the close friendship my DD has with a girl that she wants to herself (let's call her Jane). Every day my DD says she has been told things like "We don't want to play with you", "You are not our friend", "We are allowed to do this, but you are not", etc (lots of these types of comments and not nice body language). The thing is, my DD is very good friends with Jane, so I don't want to tell her to just go and find another group to play with.

I have witnessed this myself. Every morning Emma is nasty to my DD in front of me - pushes my DD out of the queue and tells her she can't stand with them, and today my DD just said 'Hello' and Emma shouted 'No don't do that' and hugged Jane away from my DD.

As this is happened in front of me, I took Emma to one side and said that it wasn't nice of her to say that to my DD, who just said 'Hello' and that I know she has been saying other things that aren't nice at school to DD. I said if it continues, I will have a chat to her mother about it. I know her mother a little bit.

Did I do the right thing? If I just ignore it, it would look like I'm condoning this behaviour. My DD is not very confident and does not stand up for herself, she just backs away or cries when other children are mean.

[Strictly1]

It’s a bit of a sweeping statement that teachers ‘don’t want the hassle’ - you didn’t give the teacher a chance! ‘Rose tinted glasses’ could be considered another sweeping statement but I’m not that narrow minded!

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Speak to the teacher. Always speak to the teacher. They see far more of their interactions than you will and they need to know if there's a problem. I had a similar problem with DD in reception, so I asked to speak to the teacher after school. She kept an eye on things and encouraged different friendships instead. DD is now thriving socially and is very happy in school. There's no way you can achieve that, as you're not there all day.

Also, speaking to the child alone is inappropriate. A public "that's not nice behaviour" and moving your DD away gives the message that you're onto her and not happy, but taking her for a quiet word is really not a good way to handle this, she's someone else's child not an adult.

[WeLikeLucy]

This seems to have split opinion - some people saying I did the right thing and others not.

Delilah: After I spoke to her she went over to my son in his pushchair and said "He said my name". I replied "Yes, he likes you". I said that her and my DD are friends and that she can come over to ours to play over the half term. At this she replied she was going to 'Jane's' house(!) and I said "That's nice".

[isadoradancing123]

I would immediately tell off any kid who was being mean to mine.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

I would also add that you may not be furnished with the full picture. My DD came home many times and said nobody liked her. The teacher and dinner ladies kept an eye on her for a week and gave me a list of all the children she played with, it was a long list. She also got invited to a lot of play dates.

I'm not saying you shouldn't believe your DD, of course you should, but the best way to address any problems is to observe them properly first. Only the school staff are in a position to be able to do that.

[WeLikeLucy]

BTW, when I say "quiet word", I was still surrounded by other parents and children. I did not obviously pull her away into a quiet area. I just spoke directly to her. It's noisy in the playground though, so I'm guessing no-one would have over-heard. I could be wrong!

[DelilahDarcey]

Worzels I think Emma was giving OP a pretty good picture of what's going on when she pushed her daughter and was mean to her this morning. If she has the audacity to be mean in front of the child's mum, she's probably even worse when there's no adult present!

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

isadora I would immediately tell off anyone who sought to discipline my child without giving me or the school an opportunity to do it first.

[jamdonut]

Tell the teacher, always.
S/he will sort it out and have words with the child and her parent. Maybe even a whole class discussion about being nice friends.

Never tell another child off, on school grounds, other than a stern " No, thank you" , or "That's unkind" ,if something happens in front of you, just so they know you've seen what has happened.

[catkind]

If I see a child push another right next to me I'd probably automatically say "Emma, don't push now" or similar. As much so my child knows it wasn't acceptable behaviour as thinking Emma is going to pay any attention. I don't think you should have pulled her aside, that's exceeding your role in the situation. And yes definitely teacher needs to know.

DD had loads of this crap in reception, really tedious. Now in year 1 she seems to be playing with more different children, and a lot happier. She's loosely friendly with the silly ones but if they start being silly on her she just goes off and finds someone nicer to play with. It is Jane as well as Emma in my opinion.

So I do think encourage playing with different people. Not least because part of the root of this problem is kids getting into their heads that you can only have one "best friend" or even only play with one friend at a time.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

delilah of course, but the parent and school should be made aware of the incident so they can monitor/take action as appropriate, surely that would be more likely to resolve this situation more effectively.

[gybegirl]

Ask the teacher if you can have a quick word when it's convenient to her (she will appreciate this as they are so bloody busy at the start of the school day) and just mention that there may be a bit of a difficult dynamic between the three girls re 'being welcoming in a group' and could she keep an eye out. Then she will be able to report back at parent's evening.

[Lurkedforever1]

Agree with others, you need to speak to the teacher. And that taking her to one side to tell her off was overstepping the mark, 'don't push' would have covered it, and leave the rest for school to deal with.

Also bear in mind that you are only hearing one side. Dd was the middle child in this scenario for a brief spell, and both were as bad as each other. Emma was quite open about trying to keep Lucy away, whereas Lucy was more subtle and told dd Emma was always mean and to stay away. Neither were mean, just a bit insecure about friendships.

It was easy enough to resolve, mainly because dd isn't a child who tolerates being told who she can or can't be friends with. So just some mild intervention from school with the other pair to explain friends are shared, not owned. If dd had been unable to make her opinion clear then the school would have just needed to emphasise the message more with the other pair.

[RB68]

Teacher Teacher Teacher

She is not only bullying your child but the others as well and it needs to be niped in the bud. Same happened to my daughter and her group of friends

[Papafran]

No wonder school bullies get away with murder with people on here saying they would 'tear someone a new one' if parent had a word with a child who was bullying their own. The problem is that your kid is a bully, not that s/he got told off about it. Teachers and schools are often very ineffective and they have lots of other children to see to etc. OP, I think you did the right thing. Hopefully the delightful little Emma will think twice now about excluding your DD and pushing her.

Oh and I would encourage your DD to make other friends and stay away from Emma, even if that means not being able to play with Jane. Teach her to be assertive and not stand for nasty behaviour like that and to tell Emma that she doesn't want to play with her anyway.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

Ah, that's a bit different OP. By quiet word I assumed you had taken her somewhere and spoken to her away from the hustle of the school gate.

I stand by the fact that the school can handle this better than you though, simply because they are present all day and they have the authority to apply discipline

[lborgia]

We have a policy at our schools (diff country) that no adult is allowed to approach/speak to another child. I have never questioned this, until I saw a mother shouting at my son. Obviously you didn't do this, but you do lay yourself open to all sorts of problems if the child lies about what you said/what they did/how you behaved.

So, no, I do not think that you should make your daughter feel as if you are not supporting her, but you would have been better to talk to your daughter, saying "of course you can stand here next to Jane, she is your friend", completely ignoring the other child. It will make your child feel better too.

Hindsight, or being on the sidelines, makes it easy to say this, but that would be my approach, and yes, tell the teacher. If they are useless, then go further, but that has to be your first port. Good luck.

[DiggyDiggyHole]

‘It takes a village to raise a child’
If Emma does something unkind to another child, I think it’s reasonable for the parent to let her know it’s not acceptable in a calm and clear way. Speaking to the teacher isa good idea too, but pulling a child up verbally on their behaviour shouldn’t be as taboo as it has become in recent years. If only parents are allowed to, then they should accompany their children at all times.

[sobeyondthehills]

You need to have a conversation with the teacher the same day not wait till parents evening. The sooner the teacher can deal with it the better. I had to deal with something similar, I asked to have a quick word with the teacher either then (morning) or after school,she said to me after school, so I did, things were put in place and it was sorted. But the conversation needs to happen the same day, there is no point waiting weeks later to deal with it

[user789653241]

Only time I would say something to other child is if I'm in charge of looking after them, like took them to park without their parent.
Otherwise, I would speak to the teacher.

[Sooooooooooooooooooooo]

Speak to the teacher. Have a word whilst they’re at the door in the morning. I wouldn’t leave it until parent’s evening.

One of mine is in year 1 and I know they are being taught how to deal with situations in the playground.

[lovecheeseandbiscuits]

I think you did the right thing. If a child pushed my DD in front of me I would certainly say something. All this leave it to the teacher crap. That's how some kids end up being bullied and I know this for a fact. IMO I think your child should see that you're standing up for them.

[DelilahDarcey]

If someone's child was bullying my child and the parents tried to 'tear me a new one' for telling their child off for bullying, I would 'tear that parents a new one' in return.

[WelliesAndPyjamas]

Follow your DD's rules for dealing with school problems. Simple. Like most schools, you will probably be expected to talk with the class teacher. If there is a behaviour policy, school core values, etc etc then that is your guideline for how the little girls should be treating each other, and the basis for you approaching the teacher.

When that little girl is in school, following a session in wraparound care, it is for the school adults to help her learn behaviour rules. Not you.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I’m surprised that given you’ve worked in schools you still thought it appropriate to approach the child yourself. I know you think that witnessing some bad behaviour confirms everything your dd has told you but I also work in a school and know full well not to believe everything I hear. I also would be surprised if the teacher doesn’t take you aside for a quiet word.

Please voice your concerns to the teacher and let them handle it. They’ve seen it all before and will know who to believe.