DD picked on at school in Reception Class

[WeLikeLucy]

Hi, any views or advice on this would be good please. My DD is the first of my children to start school, so I'm new to dealing with playground antics.

I recently found out from my DD that a girl in her friendship group (let's call her Emma) is being very mean because (I've worked out) she does not like the close friendship my DD has with a girl that she wants to herself (let's call her Jane). Every day my DD says she has been told things like "We don't want to play with you", "You are not our friend", "We are allowed to do this, but you are not", etc (lots of these types of comments and not nice body language). The thing is, my DD is very good friends with Jane, so I don't want to tell her to just go and find another group to play with.

I have witnessed this myself. Every morning Emma is nasty to my DD in front of me - pushes my DD out of the queue and tells her she can't stand with them, and today my DD just said 'Hello' and Emma shouted 'No don't do that' and hugged Jane away from my DD.

As this is happened in front of me, I took Emma to one side and said that it wasn't nice of her to say that to my DD, who just said 'Hello' and that I know she has been saying other things that aren't nice at school to DD. I said if it continues, I will have a chat to her mother about it. I know her mother a little bit.

Did I do the right thing? If I just ignore it, it would look like I'm condoning this behaviour. My DD is not very confident and does not stand up for herself, she just backs away or cries when other children are mean.

[Dustbunny1900]

I would certainly say something if another child put their hands on my child in an aggressive way! BUT it wouldn't be off to the side, it would be clear and in front of everyone so the little bully couldn't make up anything.
THEN I'd go to the teacher, not the other parent.

[thegoodnameshadgone]

I think that it was right in front of you. Of course you were right to address it. People these days seem too worried about what you can and can’t say as opposed to what’s right and wrong.

There is a right and a wrong way to address things like this and I think you did the right thing.

[Frusso]

If this other child that did the pushing is in before and after school club you should not have access to that child to be in the position to talk to her.

[Fruitcorner123]

Dont wait for parents evening send her an email today. She may not see it until after half term (although she probably will) but atleast it will be dealt with first day back. Its bullying and I dont believe that your experiences of teachers are typical. Most primary teachers care very much about this kind of thing.

[Garlicansapphire]

I'd probably say 'oh lets all start the day being nice to one another' and then give the mean girl the evil eyes....

[DelilahDarcey]

I would imagine that darling little Emma has convinced the teachers that she is sweet and innocent and would do no wrong, so chances are telling the teacher wouldn't do much good anyway as they wouldn't believe that she would ever be unkind to anyone. Bullying types are usually very manipulative and are good at convincing people that they'd never do a thing wrong.

[codswallopandbalderdash]

Gosh I'm a bit surprised by some of the comments on here. OK my son is in pre-school so it may be different but if I saw something happen I would definitely say something to the child concerned like - it's not very nice to push or whatever. And I wouldn't mind if someone saw my child doing something similar and had a word with him. From what I've witnessed with other DC problems start when issues are not addressed at the time

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

I would never put my children into a school that I didn't trust to handle bullying, so I don't think leaving it to the school is crap actually.

I'm also quite capable of disciplining my own child, one of my main wishes for all my children is they are kind to others, so yes I would be very disappointed if another parent took it upon themselves to do my job for me.

We're talking here about 5 year old children. They're still learning about acceptable social behaviours and that means consistent, strong messages. The school and parents should do this and if they don't, then I'd be more sympathetic about having words with the child directly.

[MammaTJ]

Hell would freeze over before I would watch my child be pushed right in front of my eyes and say nothing to the person who did it.

You were a lot more reasonable than I would have been!

[DelilahDarcey]

Worzels, how would you know how a school would handle bullying before your child had even started at the school? All schools claim to not tolerate bullying and have an anti bullying policy but in reality very very few schools will do anything about it.

[trappedinsuburbia]

Definitely speak to someone at the school, this happened to my ds, I was really upset when I found out and went straight in to speak to the head who was very good and nipped it in the bud. Its bullying by excluding your daughter but the school will have more experience in dealing with it in an age appropriate manner, I was spitting feathers and knew I wouldn't be the best person to handle a situation with kids this age. I don't think you did too badly but still speak to the school.

[bettydraper31]

You did the right thing. If another child pushes my daughter, I will say something. And I would expect the same if my daughter ever pushed another child too. The amount of times my daughter gets pushed and the parents say nothing. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent..

You did the right thing, and I would keep an eye out and maybe speak to the school. It's so difficult and a complete mine field. My daughter is at nursery so not school age yet, and it's something I dread. Good luck and I hope your daughter is okay x

[Danceswithwarthogs]

Oh no... little girl love triangle... we had this in reception. Definitely speak to teacher to get it sorted, try to broaden dd's friendship groups so they're not constantly competing for Emma's favour. Thankfully ours got split up for year 1 and made new, separate friendships, solved it all, but obviously more immediate action needed now.

[RaspberryBeret34]

I think it was fine to say that to emma. I'd also mention it to the teacher at parents evening. I'd guess the teacher has already clocked emma. My DS was complaining about a girl who was mean and the teachers realised (from what I can tell) and by the end of reception she seemed so much better, in fact by mid way through. I think they're so little they don't always realise how to behave, they just follow their emotions, even if they've been at nursery. A big part of starting school is learning how to deal with other children so emma may just need time. But definitely speak to the teacher so they are at least aware.

[Danceswithwarthogs]

Sorry Jane (was emma the bully?)

[MaisyPops]

It saddens me how many parents on here would 'tear a strip' off another adult who dared tell their precious darling not to push, sadly I'm not tetribly surprised that there are so many who are like that.

(Probably the types in my experience who end up with children who stir up friendship issues and then when othet children say 'no we don't like that / stop being mean etc the child goes telling tales about how all the other children are picking on them and bullying them).

I agree with other posters. Bullies are ofteb very manipulative and some of the most manipulative bullies I have worked with have been girls who have perfected the doe eyed innocent thing and women who do the ditzy 'oh silly me i'm so vulnerable and an air head. I act so dumb and daft so 75% of people think i'm harmless and when you challenge me everyone will think you're the mean one'

[Lurkedforever1]

How on earth have people decided this girl is now a bully? She's 4 and pushed someone ffs, and her possible 'crime' seems to be imperfect social skills and insecurity. And no matter how pfb any parent is that does not equate to bullying.

I also hope that those keen to call a single push bullying, and who think it needs immediately jumping on, are just as open to the fact that their own dc may have started it, just less openly.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

delilah of course you might not know in advance, but you have to give the school the opportunity to prove themselves. As I've said, I had a similar situation with DD1 in reception and the school handled it perfectly. I also have been told about other teachers in the school giving up breaks and lunchtimes for protracted periods to encourage good friendship bonds where children were having problems. What I'm saying is you can't instantly assume the school is going to be crap, schools are very much more switched onto this these days for the most part. Of course there will be examples where this is not the case, and if that happened to me, I'd be looking for another school pretty quickly.

I think a lot of the split on this thread is the use of "quiet word" which I, like others, assumed to mean OP took the child off for a word, which is wholly inappropriate. A firm "that's not nice behaviour" in front of others is a bit different and I have been known to do that myself, but only when I know the parents are unlikely to say or do anything themselves.

If one of my children were behaving like this child I would want the parent/school to speak to me so we can enforce good behaviours, I don't see what's wrong with that.

[Dustbunny1900]

Me too maisy pops. If my DC went up and pushed another child , I'd expect/want any adult who witnessed it to say something. That doesn't mean screaming or losing it, but catching hat right when it happens and letting them know it's not ok.
Of course I can parent my child, but if I'm not there at the time then I'd have no problem w a "we don't hit each other" etc and then letting me know asap

[Onewhole1]

Watching with interest OP, I have exactly the same situation in reception with dd.

I'd imagine that girls who do this are quite spoilt and have no manners. they have learned that it is acceptable to behave in this way or learned it from their mother / sister.

[TheAntiBoop]

Threes never work well. My dd is pushed out and I have encouraged her to play with others etc. Luckily she has found other friends so it isn't a problem but I know she is a bit sad about it. But the one thing dd picked up very quickly was that her Jane was ultimately complicit in it.

And dd is in yr 3 so don't expect it to get easier!! Girls can be very complicated!!

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

maisy in my experience it's the parents who can't fathom that their child is anything but perfect who are more likely to get involved in these situations.

If I were this child's parent I would absolutely deal with it, by working with the school to make sure the message is consistent and enforced both at home and in school. That's not likely if neither me or the school is made aware of the issue because nobody is telling us. It's really that simple.

And I say again, these are 5 year olds. I haven't met an impeccably behaved 5 year old yet, so maybe she's not a bully, maybe she just needs coaching on how to treat people better. You cannot label a 5 year old as bad!

[ShellyBoobs]

If someone's child was bullying my child and the parents tried to 'tear me a new one' for telling their child off for bullying, I would 'tear that parents a new one' in return.

Quite right.

[Effic]

lurked
Thank goodness for the voice of reason. 'Emma' is FOUR OR FIVE (maximum!) years old and in her first 7 weeks of term at school. And is guilty of nothing more than having more to learn about the incredibly complex world of social skills, friendship, sharing and human interaction. She won't learn this through being taken aside and "talked to" by some random adult. She might learn this through the professional help of a trained EYFS teacher had you told her. And for goodness sake, you are taking the perception of your 4/5 year old as the gospel truth and you've shown her that she has no responsibility for friendship issues - she just needs to tell mummy and she'll deal with it. Very very few children are devils as you are painting "Emma", neither are they angels as you are painting your child. The truth is likely in between. Long and tricky road ahead for you op if this the lessons you are going to teach your child.

[Fruitcorner123]

lurkedforever1 it is bullying to deliberately leave a child out, be mean to them and say nasty things not to mention pushing them and demanding that they behave in a certain way (i.e. standing somewhere else) A bully doesnt have to be calculated or clever. They may not even know they are a bully but if they are picking on a particular child and making them feel unhappy that is bullying and it does sound like what is happening based on the OP's post. Of course there is another side but we are commenting based in what we are told.