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AIBU?

AIBU to let my nephew move in

78 replies

lalalalyra · 14/10/2017 12:54

My bully of a brother was arrested early in the week for punching my lovely SIL. I've been NC with my brother for a while (many threads at the time) and I've come to the realisation that he is far, far more like our abusive father than he realises, and than any of us realised for a long time.

My SIL is lovely. She has been like a big sister/aunt/Mum/friend figure to me since I was young as she and my brother have been together since high school and we lived with our grandparents since I was 7. She has stayed in contact with me and my children against his wishes. She was the one who made sure I could go to the church for my older nephew's wedding despite the fact he wouldn't let me be invited to the whole thing (nephew didn't want to fall out with his dad just before his wedding, I understand that).

SIL says it's the first time he's been violent. I believe that as she's always been the one that kept him in line and has never taken any crap from him. She has spoken to him and they are going to relate and she wants to give him one last change. That's entirely her choice.

However, my 17yo nephew doesn't want to live at home anymore. He wants nothing to do with his Dad. He's been staying with friends all week. He asked me if I could speak to my DH and our kids to see if they would consider him coming to live with us until he goes to uni next year. He can't live with his older brother without moving school and his sister is away at uni.

SIL has asked me to say no. She thinks if nephew moves out his relationship with his father will be over. She wants him to come home and work on it.

I don't want to end my relationship with SIL, especially as I think she'll be at her most vulnerable home alone with him. However, I don't think my nephew will go home and his other options will negatively impact his education.

OP posts:

Report

lalalalyra · 15/10/2017 00:47

GlitteryFluff She hasn't replied or reacted at all.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/10/2017 07:09

Glad you have it sorted. Hope your SIL realises that he's doing the best thing for himself, and that it's not your fault in any way. She has to work out her situation with her husband herself, but there's no reason for your nephew to be collateral damage in that.

RedorBlack · 15/10/2017 08:22

Not much to add op except that your dn is really lucky to have you. It sounds like you are a great aunt and mum to have bought up such caring mature teenagers

StigmaStyle · 15/10/2017 08:36

Fab OP. Don't beat yourself up... it is a big decision.

DN sounds very mature but also once he's with you and feels safe, he may have a wobble/feel emotional and upset. It is a big thing when it hits you that your parent is a twat and you have no respect for them. You are giving him what he needs right now.

Etymology23 · 15/10/2017 08:45

Your children and nephew sound like they ha e behaved incredibly maturely - you must be incredibly proud of them. Hope all goes as well as can be expected.

Footle · 15/10/2017 10:02

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2017 11:43

You are doing a good thing. The right choice is hard to see from inside the FOG. Your help will mean a lot to DN and your own DC.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2017 16:33

You are definitely doing the right thing. DH and I did similar for a friend of our DS1's years ago and he's now a fine young man. You're giving your DN a safe place in which to grow and learn 'who he is'.

Your sister will either realize this or not. But she is not the important one in all this, DN is. Sister is an adult and will make her own bed and lie in it. She doesn't have the right to demand that DN lie in it with her!

lalalalyra · 16/10/2017 19:34

Thanks everyone.

Nephew is here. He's sharing with DS1 until the weekend then we're going to have a painting/moving/sorting spree.

There's currently a negotiation on at the moment between the two boys and my 14yo twin girls over who is getting the au pair's room/space. It's basically an extension with one big bedroom, one slightly smaller and a bathroom. The girls want it as it's downstairs (and it's theirs if they want it as that was the plan) and the bathroom is nice. The girls share atm so there's a bit of doubt over if they'd use the two rooms. The boys now want it, but made the mistake of letting the girls hear them plan to use the big room as a bedroom and the smaller room as a place for their tv/guitar etc. The girls hadn't thought of that, but now fancy a dressing room area. The negotiations are ongoing lol.

SIL is furious. She's been round twice, but he won't change his mind and neither will I. My brother is apparently going to come around for a chat to 'sort out this shitstorm'. Funnily enough he's not available tonight or tomorrow (when my husband is around), is available Wednesday and Thursday (when it is just me) and not available Friday (when my husband is back). Funny that.

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 16/10/2017 19:48

WTF is Sil's problem ??????

Pissing me off something bad.

(((((((Hugs)))) You and Your Wonderful family and your Nephew

AIBU to let my nephew move in

CoolCarrie · 16/10/2017 19:49

Stick to your guns OP, don't let him bully you or nephew.

insert1usernamehere · 16/10/2017 20:10

I'm glad to hear your nephew is staying with you now. He desperately needs stability if he's to get through his A Levels

Re student finance (I picked up on this one as I work for a uni)

he won't be able to claim independent status on the basis of being estranged because he's still in contact with his mum - there's more info here standalone.org.uk/guides/student-guide/
his student finance will still be based off his mum and dad's income even though he is living with you
mum should, hopefully, be able to find and provide the evidence of household income to allow him to access student finance
do you have a rough idea of what the household income is? If it's over about £60-70k (depending on where he goes to uni - London / not and halls / not - see table at www.gov.uk/government/publications/financial-support-for-full-time-students-of-higher-education-in-2016-to-2017/financial-support-for-full-time-students-of-higher-education-in-2016-to-2017 ) then he'll get the minimum even if he does supply parental income proof - so there's no point in faffing about trying to get it.
if he can't provide income details he'll still get a loan for all the tuition fees and a minimum maintenance loan (about £4-6k pa). Obviously this will need to be topped up somehow - either from family top ups or work or a combination of the two. If it is to be primarily work, consider encouraging him to take a gap year to work FT, save up and split the savings across the three years of his degree. He'll also need to take living costs into account and probably not go to London.

In addition, he/you should tell the school/college what's going on so that they can offer support as appropriate and, if he was to become estranged from mum too, provide a letter to that effect.

If you have any questions about the uni / SF side of things, do PM me

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/10/2017 22:40

Are you going to let you brother come round and sort out DN and you?

Could DH be at home after all in a surprise move?

Personally, I would only agree to meet DB in a public place now he's openly violent and has been allowed to get away with it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/10/2017 22:43

What on earth is SILs logic for being furious?

Has anyone suggested that DN might come home eventually if she gets an order banning your DB from coming near her or DN and prosecutes DB to the full extent of the law? Or is she all about protecting her man even if she loses her son?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/10/2017 00:58

I'd refuse to allow DB to come round when your DH isn't there. It's pretty obvious that he's planning to bully or shout or something that he daren't do with your DH in the house otherwise he'd be over asap.

DB doesn't tell you, you tell DB when it's 'convenient' for him to come. And only if your DN really wants to see him. Otherwise, there's nothing that can't be settled by phone.

Myheartbelongsto · 17/10/2017 01:10

If the world had more people in it like you op, it would be a lovely place.

I wish I had had someone to reach out to at the same age. My whole life would have been shaped so much better.

You're a brilliant person x

lalalalyra · 17/10/2017 04:46

SIL thinks that everything would have been "fine" in the long run. My brother has agreed to go to counselling, something everyone has believed he should have done years ago (the 4 of us had the chance, he's the only 1 who didn't).

I was very honest with her - it won't work because he's not going to counselling on his own. He'll only got with her or as a family. He tried that one with me, all of us go as a family, but I knew if I filled the questionnaire thing honestly the counsellor would say no, and they did. He's a bully and group counselling, or couples, isn't appropriate.

She thinks a couple of couple sessions and he'll go himself. Then everything will get fixed and my brother will be his nice side all the time. Then nephew would have forgiven him and all would be well.

She was a bit taken aback when I said that if that happened, brother changing, then dn would still have the chance to see that because if brother changed the "move in there and you no longer exist" threat would be gone.

If my brother turns up here without prior warning/invitation, and when my DH is out then I'll call the police. I've told him before I won't be alone with him. I called the police before so he knows I will.

DH also told him the above, he tends to listen to DH more and in this circumstance I don't mind him doing the "stay away from my house" thing.

I'm going to make an appointment to see my counsellor as well. I don't want all this stirring to have a negative impact. Not now there's 7 kids in the house who need me on top form. (Although if pukey 1yo let me sleep that may also help!!)

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 17/10/2017 05:44

((((((Hugs))))) I hope the pucky baby lets you sleep and doesn't pass whatever virus onto you or the rest of the family.

Does your Sil maybe have battered wife syndrome ? she is in Total Denial.

TheMaddHugger · 17/10/2017 05:46

And being at your place is going to immensely important to Nephew. He needs to see a normal family Dynamic

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2017 07:04

Your SIL Is probably furious because her son has shown up the family dynamic to be as bad as it is. In other words, he's Let The Side Down by exposing the "dirty laundry" rather than pretending everything was Fine and Could Be Fixed.

So glad you're standing your ground on this, and that your DH has your back. I really hope your brother doesn't turn up when your DH is out, because even if you call the police, it will still be a traumatic happening.
The other minor concern is whether there would be any time that your nephew would be there on his own, or just some of the bigger children - is that ever likely to happen? I hope not.

lalalalyra · 17/10/2017 09:14

I think my SIL genuinely believes this is the wake up call my brother needs and he'll get counselling and everything will be good. It's fair enough if she wants to take that chance, but nephew doesn't.

I'm not overly worried about him turning up here. Now that DH has told him to stay away he probably will. He's that type of person who'll respect the fact it is DH's house blah de blah de blah. The chances of him turning up here when the kids are home alone is quite remote - I'm a SAHM, DH works random shifts, my BIL is here a lot - as it's such a busy house. However, we already have a "If it's Uncle X at the door this is what we do" policy so we'll just extend that. My 8 and 3 yo aren't allowed to answer the door already.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2017 10:10

Excellent - I see you have all areas covered.

I do hope this works out the way everyone would like it to, but I doubt it. Your brother has been this way for many years unchallenged in any meaningful way - he's unlikely to even be able to change, let alone want to. But miracles do occur, so let's hope you get one.

Howsthings1234 · 17/10/2017 10:15

I think you just need to be honest with your sister in law. Tell her you love her and respect her as a mother but your nephew is family too and you would rather he has a safe, comfortable home life with people who love him than staying at random friends living out of a bag for the next year and it impact on his education. It also means she knows where he is and can come see him and call Him whenever she wants.

TalkinBoutWhat · 17/10/2017 11:10

Regarding university - if your DN can prove he is estranged from his parents, then he can get additional funding. The details are here.

It's very strict though. If he stays in contact with his mother he won't be considered 'estranged'. Or else if he can show that he has been self supporting himself for 36 months - which would mean a late start to university.

lalalalyra · 22/10/2017 15:06

Nephew is here. He and DS1 negotiated for the au pair's room with the girls - I dread to think what that cost them! Lots of taxiing if this weekend is anything to go by!

House is pretty settled. DN knows his way around how we do things. The jobs rota is redone and the other kids are delighted to have an extra to be pitching in.

We've had a few problems with my brother, and a bit more unexpected from SIL and my niece, but DN has handled it very well.

His elder brother helped him get some stuff from home, but he's lost lots of his things as he's not allowed to take anything that his parents bought him. How they think that'll help their relationship with him I've no idea!

It's not going to be all rosey but it's not been a bad first week :)

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