to go and see if he's ok?

[WildBelle]

OK...long story short...I ended my relationship last night. I was seeing possibly the loveliest man in the world, I am crazy about him. The problem was that he only split up with his wife earlier this year, and the arrangement to begin with was that she was going to have the 3 children 3 nights a week. She was the one that left the family home, after an affair. When that was the arrangement she would generally try to wriggle out of having the dc whenever possible, and not have them at all or trim one or two days off. Over the summer holidays she basically didn't see them at all, and it got to the point where the dc didn't actually want to go to hers anyway as she hadn't made any effort to make her new house a home, and was often physically abusive towards them.

The piece de resistance came last month when she announced that she was moving 150 miles away to live with her new bf into a one bedroom flat, and dumped all the stuff she did have for the dc at my bf's house on the way. For all intents and purposes, she has started a new life, conveniently taking no responsibility for the fact she has 3 dc.

Even before that I hardly got to spend any time with my bf, as he has been desperately trying to make it all ok for his dc, and isn't even prepared to get a babysitter for the night as he is concerned that they are going to feel unwanted by him too. Now that his ex has completely buggered off, that has gone from bad to worse and we were not spending any time at all with each other. I was feeling quite miserable about the situation, I would like a partner who I can actually spend time with once in a while, and whilst I have been completely supportive and understanding throughout, I came to the very sad conclusion last night that it was going to be a long time before the dust had settled enough for him to be able to find time in his life for a relationship, so we had a very calm and sad conversation which led to the relationship being over, at least for now, while he sorts his shit out.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad, it felt like the most counter intuitive thing in the world to end it with him as he was such a genuinely great bloke, so I just whatsapped him with a sad face emoji. Didn't get a response, but he was online a couple of times this morning. Hasn't been online since just after midday, which is very unusual for him. I am really worried - last night when I spoke to him he was in a pretty dark place and talking about topping himself or just dumping the kids on his ex and leaving her to deal with it all instead of him (I am fairly certain he wouldn't ever do that as his kids are his world, but he is really struggling to cope at the moment). I sent him a message this afternoon asking if he's ok, no response and he hasn't seen it. t tried calling him about an hour ago, with no response, and sent him another message just asking me to let him know that he's ok. He hasn't seen it. Now I'm really worried that he's done something stupid and am tempted to drive to his, which is half an hour away, just to see if he's ok. I don't know if that's a really bad idea though. We didn't leave things on bad terms last night but it got late and he said he would speak to me today. I'm worried. Sorry this is all a bit garbled, it's all a bit complicated. Should I leave it or go there? Even if it's just to see if his car is there and lights are on?

[WildBelle]

Jemima - I am a LP to 2 dc 100% of the time too so I completely understand what it's like for him, but like you I'm a lot further down the road and have found ways to cope and built up support networks (and have no qualms about taking time away from them once in a while to do stuff I want to do). He'll get there, he's completely floored by it all at the moment.

[WildBelle]

His kids are all over place and yes he is absolutely doing the right thing by putting them first. They've been abandoned twice in one year by their mother, first when she moved out, but nearby, and then again when she completely moved away. I completely respect that he is bending over backwards trying to make things ok for them. But the sad upshot of that is that he literally has no time for anything else right now. it's all very acute. Maybe once the dust settles things will change.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

I know lots of people are saying just move on but I don't think I agree. I think he and the children will be feeling a lot better in a few months. They need to find a new normal and he will realise that he doesn't need to feel guilty for having a few hours to himself. Obviously right now he needs to make his poor children feel secure because of their 'mother' abandoning them.

If things with this man were as perfect as you said, would you not be foolish to end things with him forever because at the moment he doesn't have much spare time and is not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. If it was me, I would keep seeing him as a friend, help him out and let him cry on your shoulder. When he is then ready for a relationship if should be stronger than ever as you have stuck by him at the worst time and his children will trust you as you have been there through this awful time.

Just my opinion. I feel really sorry for this man and his children.

[WildBelle]

That is absolutely my plan Perfectly, I am 100% here for him and he knows it. Of course he might not want to start a relationship with me again down the road, but I would love to have him in my life as a friend even if that doesn't happen.

[HappenedForAReisling]

Christ you've taken a beating, OP.

I hope things work out well for you both in the long run.,

[duckduckmouse]

@rightnowimpissed you are a nasty piece of work

[Perfectly1mperfect]

WildBelle In that case then, I think you are doing the right thing. I really do think things will seem very different in a few months. When those children know dad is there to stay, they will all feel much better. His guilt will ease significantly. I know it's terrible when a father leaves their children but it just seems so much worse when it's a mother to me. Bloody heartbreaking.

I really hope this works out for you all. x

[WildBelle]

Thank you :)

Yes the poor dc, how on earth do you get your head around being ditched by your mum if you're a kid? The youngest is sleeping really badly, in fact he often ends up with all of them in his bed! I'd met them a few times but he wasn't happy with me staying over yet, which I completely understand and agree with. They are all still reeling, the last thing they need right now is me and my dc in their lives, they need to find their feet as a family of four first. So bowing out seemed like the right thing to do.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

And they will find their feet as a family. He sounds lovely, definitly someone that should be in your life in some way. It will be very traumatic for the children but I am sure with their lovely dads support they will be doing well and thriving very soon. Children overcome things usually so much better than adults as long as they have someone that they know is there for them no matter what.

You sound lovely and very understanding. Remember to look after yourself in all of this as well. x

[itshappening]

Maybe then the best thing is to not 'end it' as such but say that you don't want to put extra pressure on him at a difficult time, and you know his dc need him, so how about taking a step back for a while. Ie, put the 'relationship' on hold/you be there to support if needed while things settle down. I know you don't want to end up being in limbo or putting your life on hold forever, but it would be a shame if he misunderstood your intentions and it was over for good when it need not have been.

[WildBelle]

That's pretty much what I said to him last night. He knows how I feel about him, and that I really hope we can work things out when things settle down. It was so sad having that conversation with him last night. All I wanted to do was get in the car and drive over and give him a hug.

[Perfectly1mperfect]

I think he could probably do with a hug. He must feel he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

[jakscrakers]

You have given him time and space to concentrate on his children, and explained it to him in a very great way, no wonder you both fell for each other, it is also totally understandable how you felt the need to check on him, please dont listen to the naysayers you have done all this from a good place, taken a step back even though it will be hard for both of you, I do hope you end up together and move forward with love and smiles

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

You texted a sad face emoji to someone you’d dumped the previous day... What kind of response were you actually expecting?
Did you really think he would respond at all? I wouldn’t have
And to extrapolate that because he wasn’t responding to your weird text was because he’d topped himself is quite extraordinary really...

[ReanimatedSGB]

It does sound as though you are both basically nice people in a difficult situation. But you have to back off, for now. If you are hanging around exuding patience and sympathy and just-good-friend-whose-always-here-for-you it will be an extra layer of pressure for him. Because he will be feeling guilty about the fact that he wasn't able to give you enough time and attention previously, and then worry that he's being selfish to even think about dating anyone when his DC are in turmoil, and then worry that you are 'wasting your life waiting for him.'

[GammaDelta]

Lots of hugs to you OP... people can be nasty here.. it takes time to get off a relationship when u both still like each other but circumstances don't allow it.. hopefully few months down the line things will settle down for him n his DCs.

[BlueSapp]

I think you need to back off and leave this man alone.

[Justaboy]

Been thinking re this one if i was that man in that position. I think i'd welcome some contact with you just as someone to talk to, be friendly with but mainly to talk to who might understand the problems i now have to cope with.

The relationship might have to for a while just become that but I don't think it is impossible it does seem you've found that very rare beast on this board a decent man and you do seem a very pleasant person too but it does seem to me that this might well work given a bit of understanding and time.

Just my tuppence worth.

[Beeziekn33ze]

It seems he's ok so just leave him to get on with parenting his children.
If you want a partner who is free to do couple things this is not the man for you.
As Dylan put it: 'It ain't me babe, I'm not the one you're looking for ...'