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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need advice on this NOW please!!! (long)

35 replies

someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:17

As you'll gather, this isn't my usual mn nickname. Two questions - have I been unreasonable, and what do I do now?
It's dd's 11th birthday next week and dh finally tracked down the nintendo wii console she wanted. It was £180, but with contributions from other rellies and some of her own money, that was ok.
Against my better judgement I let her open it and we've all been playing it since yesterday - great fun.
I work ft, dh has been working today and I was up at 7am and cleaning the house, which was a tip.
DD gave me some help - not as much as I'd asked for - and I promised if she helped she could have money to buy chocolate.
About an hour ago I gave her the money, but asked her to take the dog on her way to the shop - I've been too busy to take the dog for a walk today.
She refused, and I became very cross (not shouty, just really hacked off that I've been working my socks off and she can't do something as simple as take the dog on her way to get another treat for herself)
So, I packed up the new game and started listing it on eBay - I should add that they're very hard to come by and would easily sell for the amount we paid.
She then had a temper tantrum (dh was home by now, and he switched from thinking I was being harsh to agreeing with me)
I didn't actually finish listing it, but I have told her it's going to be sold and the money will go to Oxfam.
What do I do now? I feel I should follow it through because it would be rewarding very bad behaviour to back down..but that's going to be very tough.
She's sobbing on the sofa downstairs
I've had the chocolate money back from her and am locked in another room with the laptop.
Help please!

OP posts:
sis · 06/04/2007 17:29

sorry, but I don't think you should list her birthday present. I appreciate the temptation if she has not been behaving well but, well, she is 11 and it is her birthday present.

powder28 · 06/04/2007 17:29

Sorry that just seems really mean. Especially as its her bday present.

junkinmytrunk · 06/04/2007 17:31

Sorry I wouldn't have listed it on ebay, temporaily taken off her maybe but sold, no.

She is only a child and we all had tamtrums at that age.

Iota · 06/04/2007 17:31

sorry that seems an OTT punishment to me

WideWebWitch · 06/04/2007 17:31

You back down and say sorry, you over reacted imo.
You can't give her a present for her birthday and then sell it because she won't walk the dog!

pinkcandyfloss · 06/04/2007 17:32

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SherlockLGJ · 06/04/2007 17:32

I would tell her it is ready to be listed. But that you would like to talk to her first as to what she would like to do to earn it back before you press the send button.

chocolateface · 06/04/2007 17:32

To clarify, you have threatened to sell her b'day pressent as she wouldn't take the dog for a walk.
I take it you want to back down now, but save face.

PinkTulips · 06/04/2007 17:32

are you sure dh isn't agreeing just to avoid showing a divided front and making you go back on what you said. dp often backs me up even if he thinks i'm wrong

could she earn it back for her birthday in some way?

Budababe · 06/04/2007 17:33

A bit OTT to be honest but I understand how you feel.

I would take back the money you gave her for chocolate though.

And then when you have both calmed down sit and discuss why.

WideWebWitch · 06/04/2007 17:33

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kks · 06/04/2007 17:34

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Original poster
someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:34

Should have said, I didn't actually put it up for sale - started the listing, but didn't finish it. I have packed up the game and put it away though.

OP posts:
Plibble · 06/04/2007 17:35

I don't think I would sell it as she contributed some of her own money and it does seem to be a harsh punishment for, basically, doing what 11 year olds do.

I think you should tell her you aren't going to sell it, but that she will not be allowed to have it until she has behaved herself - to include some chores set out upfront - for a week.

pointydog · 06/04/2007 17:35

I think you have gone too far and are being very unreasonable by selling off her new present.

I would sit down with my dd at this stage, tell her how busy you've been, tell her how much you really wanted that favour, how tiredness made you over-react. Basically, look for an apology and understanding from dd and apologise for your own over-reaction.

kks · 06/04/2007 17:35

Don't go through with the listing, its a bit mean

chocolateface · 06/04/2007 17:35

Let her know you have't actually listed it. Tell her she can have it a back on her birthday if she behaves reasonably from now on.
I have never forgiven my Dad for confiscating a birthday pressent of mine.

BeckleSpeckledEgg · 06/04/2007 17:36

Perhaps you could suggest to her that you will not sell it on the condition of...
give her a way to earn it back.
That way you are not backing down and she is not losing her present.
I don't think you are unreasonable to take it away from her - kids don't always appreciate the nice things they get - mine certainly don't! Bit unreasonable to sell it but am sure you only went to list it because you were cross and disappointed at her behaviour. The main thing is that you didn't finish the listing. Hope you strike a deal with her x

Original poster
someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 17:36

Chocolateface - yes, exactly right. Not so much saving face, but not rewarding bad behaviour. I realised taking the game away for good was ott - it just got me that she has so many privileges and then couldn't do one small thing she was asked, especially as it was part of a treat.

OP posts:
sunnysideup · 06/04/2007 17:58

I think she's right to be sobbing! She helped you (a bit, not as much as you asked but she DID help) therefore she is due the chocolate money you promised. So to not only NOT get that but for you to threaten to sell her birthday present must be so frustrating and upsetting and unfair!

i think it seems that a bit of a 'look' and a 'So you don't want this chocolate money then, if you don't want the dog with you?' would have been totally enough in this situation.

Are you stressed to the eyeballs, as this sounds like a straw that broke the camel's back moment to me....
i think it's a case of working out how you can keep calmer and not get so cross....do you need more help from your dh and whole family with the house? A cleaner?

Original poster
someoneelsenow · 06/04/2007 18:25

Thanks for all the advice...wouldn't say I'm stressed, just busy and don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help from both dds who could do with learning some housework.
The silver lining is that elder dd (14) has jumped into action (I'd been asking for help from her all day with no success) and has now cleaned her room from top to bottom..although she's still in her pjs.
Dd 2 is now logged onto the computer downstairs and emailing her friends (or maybe childline) - I've said I'd like to talk to her, but am getting the silent treatment at the mo...I'm sure we'll resolve it soon, but the game will stay packed away until her birthday..usually I'm strict about not having pressies in advance, but she was so excited, and it is the school holidays. I'll stick to the usual rule about presents in future.
We do usually have a cleaner btw, but she's on holiday for a few weeks. I don't mind cleaning now and again - actually enjoy seeing the result.

OP posts:
Freckle · 06/04/2007 18:27

Tell her that you have listed it, but, if there are no bids by her birthday and she has shown some remorse for her behaviour by helping out more, you will delist it and let her have it back then.

Hopefully her behaviour will improve and she will be more helpful.

compo · 06/04/2007 18:29

Just ask her to say sorry and give it back to her. You gave it to her early it's too late to make her wait until her b/day now. If you don't give it her back your in for a miserable Easter

chocolateface · 06/04/2007 18:32

I really don't think her behaviour was that bad .. for her age. It was just one of those situations we get ourselves in sometimes.
Please don't tell her you've listed it.

fireflyfairy2 · 06/04/2007 18:39

TBH I think it was a bit OTT.

Couldn't you have just taken it from her & said she wasn't getting it back until her b'day?

I would have been sobbing too...& I am a lot older than your dd.

It seems a bit extreme & not unlike to something a friend of mine would do. Only I know she doesn't post on here or I would think you were her!!