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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to earn money even though we don;t need it?

34 replies

hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:08

dh and I have made rather different career choices and have vastly different earning power. for as long as dds were pre-school I accepted effectively not earning anything as pre-school child-care is prohibitive. now both dds are at school, and at the same time I might be increasing my hours. We have a nanny and I'm scrabbling about doing lots of maths to work out different costs, different scenarios - things like different hours in term time and holidays (for both me and the nanny) and various bits of juggling - desparate to at least balance my net contribution to the household. dh just shrugs - he's happy for us to pay our lovely nanny according to what's easiest - rather than doing any juggling and jiggling. he says it's not worth the hassle. and he'd rather have relaxed, easy, stable child care, even if I actually end up costing the household. On the one hand I do see his point but it's utterly demoralising. fwiw he has no concept of his money and mine. he 100 per cent believes that no matter what my financial contribution I have equal say on how we spend it. personally I find that a bit difficult to exercise in practice. I know in reality me earning £50 a month isn't really any different from loosing £50 a month (though, depressingly enough it could be more...). I love my job, but I hate this huge discrepency...although, ironically, it's me that has the problem with it and equates it to influence, not dh. do I go with the flow? or make life difficult by cutting the childcare to the bone in order to save my pride?

OP posts:
ENTP · 02/04/2007 23:11

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custy · 02/04/2007 23:11

i think work is often about so much more than money - its often about having a foot in the door an up to date cv, interesting stories to tell when youg et home, a work social life, hearing other peeoples stories, the frustrations of the boss, the training opportunities, the self confidence , the pension, the pride in a job well done

so to boil it down to just £50 is doing yourself a huge diservice.

hairymclary · 02/04/2007 23:13

if you want to work more and earn more and input more then you should. because you're the one who will feel bad (too strong a word?) if you don't.
it isn't going to impact the family negatively if you work more hours I presume, so if it's what you want to do then do it

ENTP · 02/04/2007 23:16

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Rachmumoftwo · 02/04/2007 23:16

Count your blessings. A nanny, a husband who has such a healthy attitude to money, two DD's, I would personally go with the flow.
But if you are unhappy, make a change. Why not consider a career change, retraining, a jobshare, working part-time? If it is not about needing the money you can do something you would really enjoy and still spend valuable time with your DD's and DH.

Soapbox · 02/04/2007 23:18

Actually, I think that is a very good reason to want to work!

I think your DH sounds great with a relaxed attitude to money - although I can understand that you feel you want to make a financial contribution to the house hold. In the fullness of time you will do - as you won't need a nanny for ever, but your earning potential will still be intact

Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:26

oh custy you really are tip top. you probably have no idea what a lovely post that is. I know it's daft to get screwed up about this when - as rachmumoftwo says - I have a lot of blessings to count. thanks all for not being too harsh on me too. I know it's a crappy pathetic thing to worry about. I always envisaged family life as a partnership - and on the whole it is - but the financial thing is the one partnership box I can't tick and I so wish I could.

OP posts:
custy · 02/04/2007 23:30
Smile
ChasingRabbits · 02/04/2007 23:31

cant u deduct the nanny from his salary - and then look at yours as all extra

Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:33

that's what dh just suggested. it's a bit of a mathematical sleight - if I didnt work we wouldn't need any child care...but let's not think of it like that hey

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ChasingRabbits · 02/04/2007 23:37

umm I know, I was ignoring that fact aswell!

hunkermunker · 02/04/2007 23:40

Have you read the article in the Times today about women and reasons to work? So much bound up with it, not just money - some for "warding off problems if the worst happens" but loads about positive reasons.

twoisenoughmum · 02/04/2007 23:43

Chasingrabbits and your DH got there just before me Hatwoman - why not look on it all as a joint family income, and the nanny's salary coming out of that?

Work is often about a lot more than money, imvho.

If it wasn't, we'd all decide to become hedge fund managers when we were 16!

Not that many years ago, I read that the Chief Executive of Oxfam earned £45,000 a year. He could have earned so much more than that ... not everyone who goes to work does it for the money alone. Thank goodness.

ChasingRabbits · 02/04/2007 23:45

and if he didn't work you wouldn't need childcare either (unless he is like my dh, in which case you would probably STILL need the nanny)

Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:50

twoisenough - we do see all the money as joint - the sum then becomes
scenario one: total household income = hatsalary + dh salary - childcare
scenario two: total household income = dh salary
and scenario two is financially the better. but me not working isn't an option - the question's more whether to be mean/creative/juggling with childcare to save my stupid pride. dh is agog "so in order to make you feel better you want to make our life harder? hmmm.

the problem with seeing it all as joint is that it doesn't owrk ou

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Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:51

that last bit was meant to have been deleted

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Original poster
hatwoman · 02/04/2007 23:53

scenario 3: total income = hat's income. hmmm let's put the house on the market now shall we...might as well ebay the food processor while we're at it...

OP posts:
Soapbox · 02/04/2007 23:57

I think you may be overanalysing a bit

I would opt for the method of calculating things which allows you to take the maximum amount of help and the least amount of juggling, whilst preserving a little of your pride

I think if it makes everyone miserable for hte sake of a few quid then it isn't worth it!

hunkermunker · 03/04/2007 00:00

Work. Really. Do it.

Original poster
hatwoman · 03/04/2007 10:08

hunker - I'm not debating whether to work or not, or even whether to increase my hours or not - the debate is whether to scrimp on childcare, juggle working days, arrange for different childcare in term and holidays etc, in order to be "in profit". and the only reason to worry about being "in profit" is my own stubborn pride. dh can't see why it bothers me. I think it's a northern proddie work/money thing. he can't his head round it. I try to fight it but it's in me bones.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 10:11

why does your childcare come out of 'your' wage?

if it comes out of his then you're earning loads more already

if your finances are joint then the childcare can't just be seen to come out of your bit

majorstress · 03/04/2007 10:13

Can I just clarify the childcare arrangement- 2 dds in school-so what does nanny do when they are at school? Is s/he fulltime?

foxinsocks · 03/04/2007 10:13

I can see why it bothers you and I must admit, I have taken the same line as you when calculating my return to work (and looked at the very meagre bottom line and been quite depressed by it!).

But as others have said, it is about so much more than the money.

I also wouldn't underestimate the benefits of having stable childcare (like a nanny) as opposed to the juggling method which is inevitably more stressful for the whole family (incl the girls).

I would try and see it like that - the stable childcare means everyone is happier all round and both you and dh can get on with your jobs.

Cappuccino · 03/04/2007 10:17

oh btw am also a northern proddie

and I'm with your husband

majorstress · 03/04/2007 10:25

If you feel compelled to fiddle about with the finances, how about some things that won't jeopardise your good nanny arrangement, but still improve your income?

Can you or DH get childcare vouchers from your employer? If not, can you encourage them to get them set up? Is your nanny qualified to accept them? If not, how about helping her attain that status, which is a nice perk for her? That is a nice big hassle to keep you busy that at least might pay off, and also will help others coming after you at your firms and users of your nanny. so brownie points in mumsnet heaven too!

What about a nanny share if you don't have one? Your dds might benefit from a little playmate.

Good nannies soon move on, most IME seem to want a baby to care for. Don't throw it away.

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