To be miserable by some people's perfect life's?

[Longlongroad]

Name change for this.

I'm about to call time on my marriage due to many reasons, the main one being he cheated on me!! We have 2DC aged 9 and 6.

I'm waiting until the DC go back to school before I tell him I want a divorce as I don't want to spoil the rest of their holidays.

But I'm starting to feel miserable about the future. Tonight I was browsing through fb at some of my old school friends and feel really envious of some of them and what they've achieved.

It's made me think about my life and what I've achieved. I have 2Dc but that's it. I'm 40, no career (sahm), live in a shit town, I'm fat, and about to become a single parent on benefits!!

Please tell me things will get better?

Walk 30 mins if you can every day, feel the breeze, sun, breathe the air and get those endorphins working for you, they will lift your mood and help you to manage your weight, you have a bright future, enjoy your freedom

I've come off FB for this very reason. Rationally I know around 80% of it is BS but I struggle with seeing my old friends from years ago who have beautiful houses and have apparently built lovely lives. I don't have these things and sometimes I feel sad and regretful seeing that stuff. I feel better for being off it, it's a total time sucker as well.

There are many teaching qualification routes, maybe you can do something like School Direct where you train and work at the same time? 40 is definitely not old. 25 years ahead of career life.

Facebook is posturing. Very few people post about their bad days, most people would upload only the pictures that make them prettier or funnier or cooler etc. Most people would only post comments that make them more intellectual or interesting or comical or edgy etc. Even the people who post "real life" are more often than not promoting themselves as "the honest real deal", I'm thinking of all those people who post "this is what a real mum looks like" with messy houses and running kids... But still as staged as the other side of the coin.

You certainly can start a new job, get into whatever shape you like most, see a future for yourself and the kids, etc. Have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk and put the figures as if you were already on your own, to have an idea of how your economic situation would work (it's just a calculator, it doesn't save details).

Good luck!

Just keep in mind, that lives, as described on FB are usually scrubbed up, perfectly posed, sanitised versions of reality....their RL's are probably no better than yours or mine!
See this split as a new and better start, thourally examine every aspect of your life and where it can be improved, what support, training, and benefits you're entitled to. And if you feel you need to lose some weight, you don't need expensive gyms or faddy diets....walk, walk and walk some more. If you have a child in a buggy, push it up hill, and run down the other side, your child will love it! Then buy basic fresh veg, fruit, fish and meat and cook from scratch.....good luck!

It will get better and I for one wouldn't have missed being at home with my children for anything. Yes they were challenging at times but that was outweighed by the pleasure of seeing them make their own lives when they left home. Ignore Facebook I doubt it's a true representation of people's real lives. Enjoy your kids without the spare part interfering.
All the best.

I know it's been said, but I can assure you, NOBODY's life is even half as perfect as they portray it on the internet.

Those fancy photos of neat and tidy homes? Yeah, they took those the moment after a MIL or neighbor came by to help them tidy, and it was at tip again 10 minutes later. And they took loads of pics all at once, and save them up to post occasionally so that it appears they are always tidy. Those gorgeous recipes they're always posting? Pinterest, and they failed dramatically the first 20 times they tried it. Hell, the photos may even be stolen! Those sweet family snaps with soft lighting, where everybody's perfect pearly whites are on display and they're all in matching outfits? Bollocks. Hours of photoshop, 3+ outfit changes, and a miracle - the one photo out of 350 that didn't show both the toddler and the baby screaming and blowing bogeys everywhere, one of them in mid-vomit, and the dog having a shit in the background.

Those people with plenty of money usually sacrifice family time, marriage stability, sleep, health, and happiness to it. Those people who portray such a happy and stable relationship with their DP may well be posting such things just to passive-aggressively push each other's buttons about some wretched fight that's been going on for years. Those mums who talk about their DC sleeping through the night and already learning to use the potty aren't telling you about the total meltdowns the kids have every 5 minutes about food and shoes and going outdoors and bathing and everything else. That one liarwoman who always appears so put together may well be the serial peeper in the local paper who is wanted by the police, for all you know!!

We ALL have our problems and even horrible secrets. The internet (especially facebook - oh how I detest that place) has become this place where people simply join the competition, where honesty is the WORST policy!! The internet is where people go to extreme lengths to hide ALL of their faults and flaws, and display ONLY those glimpses into their lives, from only the perfect angle, that makes them APPEAR to have their shit together. If you could look juuuuuust outside the frame of the photo, you'd see a lifetime of unsorted junk, swept to the side especially for the photo, teetering precariously and about to fall everywhere!

NOBODY is perfect. Nobody even comes close. You're doing better than probably half the country right now. Don't be so hard on yourself, and whatever you do, don't believe anything you see on the internet!!

If you want a boost - google 'I became a runner/singer/acrobat/travel agent/CEO aged 40/50/60'
There are so many people who have had amazing lives - and they were lethargic or busy with family or had no confidence until they were well out of their 30's!

I follow a contortionist and a hula hooper who didn't start til they were 35+ which is long past the age most people think those careers are dead in the water.

There are lots of advantages to giving it a go at 40 - we are wiser, steadier, more determined, less weighed down by foolishness in our minds (or could be )

Give it a shot. Take your time, because you were kicked in the heart, and that takes time to heal. But think about that thing you always wish you could have done, and bloody well go out there and have it all. Career, fitness, self-confidence... you can have it. And when you are 75 and you look back you will be so glad you got out there and grabbed life with both hands (and so will your kids!)

FB is totally fake, honestly, it's how people want to present themselves, so you see their wonderful holidays and their smiley children. I confess I'm guilty of this, mostly because I don't want to share my dirty linen on FB. So I keep things lighthearted.

It does sound like you might be depressed? Not surprising considering what you've coped with. But you're taking charge, which is very empowering. You'll get through this.

Go for it Longlongroad. I always remember that saying- "In a year's time you'll wish you started now".

Don't go into teaching. You won't have any free time if you do. Expect to have to work every single day including all of your saturdays and all of your sundays and all of your evening times, into 2am at night times. Teaching is only suitable for single people who are prepared to give up all semblance of a personal life and with no outside commitments whatsoever.

If you're sad you don't have a career and don't want to be on benefits... get a job? Look into retraining opportunities. Even some of the big banks have schemes for getting mothers back into work.

Yes it's hard, childcare costs etc, but it can be done.

I am in a very similar situation. One thing I am doing is starting running. I need headspace and for my body to be in better shape because my head is fucked right now.

Concentrate on the thing you can change easily!!!!

Oh. I am shit at running and am fat too.

I stopped following the people who used Facebook to outline their perfect lives. It was better for my mental health.

Facebook has some great, supportive, groups if you can find them. Start using it to find groups for single parents, lists of cheap / free things to do with kids in your area, hobbies you can do when the kids are in bed. And unfollow anyone who posts photos of their lunch / announces how blessed they are.

If you're looking to work on your weight, as you mentioned it in your OP, look at cycling with your kids, once you're settled. They get exercise, you get to tone up. Facebook selling pages often have cheap bikes on them.

About retraining
*You are not too old
*
Hate to tell you but you have about 30 more years of a working life left. You may as well choose something you like.

One more thing.
Stop looking at Facebook.

Seriously. Deactivate your account for one month. Use that time to do something that makes you feel good.
I don't look at it anymore for all the reasons you say

Facebook isn't real life.
You can post pictures yourself of days out and meals, it doesn't mean it reflects behind closed doors.
Leave and make it your goal to have the life you see and want for your children.

Same here!

No-one knows if things will get better. They may get worse.
However, if you start taking some positive action, you'll feel better regardless of the outside circumstances.
For starters:
Diet & exercise
Keep off Facebook
Write a daily gratitude list

Then move on to career, relationship, etc

Misery is optional

You are definitely not too old to retrain!!! As previously posted there are many ways into teaching. Why don't you consider getting a job as a teaching assistant to test the water and see whether you think it is the career for you? While the salary is not great (term time only usually, though split equally over 12 months), it would fit in with your children as you would have the holidays with them. Don't want to put you off the full teaching route, but it is now massively over-regulated and has a very big workload, there are some threads on here about how people who have left or are considering leaving the profession are feeling. Ignore Facebook, it's not real. Do something for yourself, reinvent yourself, 40 is nothing, look on it as a great opportunity!!!

HI longlong I retrained as a teacher which took me 5 years - 4 years for a part-time degree course and 1 year on my PGCE. I just qualified this year and am 49 (feel 29!).
You could maybe do your degree through the open university? You might qualify for a bursary too.
You are about to go through a really tough time, but you will come out of it stronger, and an inspiration to your friends and DCs. I would say forget about any kind of weightloss, and just concentrate on giving yourself some hope.
GOOD LUCK!

Sorry to hear of your troubles, OP. 40 is just a temporary blip, I promise. It looms over you for ages but once it's behind you, you won't care about it as much.

You're not too old to retrain - go for it!

I know how you feel - I have many rich and illustrious friends on FB whose lives seem to ooze glamour. It's best to stay away from FB if it's making you feel bad.

op - youre fab!

I have some debt, colossal mortgage, currently not working, about to divorce.

Right now, ive never felt stronger or more able to achieve my goals. I cant quite believe it.Think about the wonderful example you are setting your DC's - always time to try, always time to learn!!

Agree with Neutrogena - misery is optional. Reframing your problems and challenging your thinking goes a long way to opening your mind and seeing things in a new light.

Girl power eh?!!