Is it unreasonable to move out when DCs are still at school/college?

[movingoutmovingon]

Just wondering about this: would you move in with a new partner if your children were adults (18) but still living at home, doing A levels?

Obviously still continue to support them financially and drop in once a week?

[inkydinky]

My Mum left my Dad when I was 19, and had just left for university (with good reason, he was an arsehole and she'd been "staying for the children" really) she subsequently left the country with her new partner. I was happy for her and encouraged her but It was still very unsettling. I suddenly had no "home" to go to. So had to be totally independent from then on. It turned out fine for me. We're still close (she lives locally now) but i do know that if my girls go to university I'll make sure there is a home for them to come back to.

[lizzyj4]

huck - there's a massive gap between having an adult relationship and meeting your family commitments (which thousands of single parents do successfully every day) and just straight up abandoning your kids (whether you move out or you kick them out). As a single parent, I believe it's really important to ensure your needs are met too, because otherwise you end up feeling resentful. It's completely possible to take care of yourself properly and have a new relationship (if you want one) whilst still providing a stable, secure home for your children as long as they need it. There might have to be compromises - such as not moving in with each other for a few years - but so what?Much better that than what my mother did, which was to play the martyr for several years while we were young (dad died when I was 7 and I was the eldest, believe me I appreciate it was tough on her) - she 'sacrificed everything' for us and boy did she let us and everyone else know it. The only problem being that by the time we were in our teens she had enough of it and was very resentful. So we were all kicked out one by one at some point between 16 - 18 and our relationships never recovered. There has to be a balance - looking after our children properly doesn't mean we can't also take care of ourselves.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Absolutely, there's a balance. I think option a) moving out/moving new partner in once children have flown nest is actually a less good solution than option b) allowing DC and new partner to gradually build a relationship and if the upshot is that you want to live with your new partner, then you all three have a series of conversations about how you do that in a way that feels respectful to everyone. I don't think a DC should be able to blanket veto a new partner moving in, tbh. I speak as someone who by the age of 14 was living with a stepmother-to-be in one house and a stepfather-to-be in the other (50:50 custody, week apart). I didn't always get along with either of them, but my parents made it clear that they loved us very much, and that was the most important thing.

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

It's not the age that's the problem, it's that you didn't feel ready or like you had enough support.

I left home at 16, it was absolutely the best move for me and I have never regretted it, my baby sister at 19 still feels she very much needs mum and wouldn't cope alone for a weekend, different people grow up at different speeds and it is totally wrong to decide to just go off and leave an 18 year old just because they are legally an adult.

[Huskylover1]

You must have felt totally abandoned.

It's one thing for an 18 year old to leave home for Uni (which both my kids have done), but for a parent to leave the family home, and leave the 18 year old behind, is fucking ludicrous.

Your Dad sounds like an idiot (sorry).

No point dwelling on it now though.

[liminality]

I moved out of home at 16. The second my brother finished high school, a couple years later, mum turfed gently encouraged him to move in with me! It's not an age thing, it's a maturity thing.

Are they solid and independent? They'll be fine - they'll love it even!

Are they super flighty - they will probably have a few parties...

Are they super immature? Stay with them for the next 10 years or even longer a bit longer....

[MrsFionaCharming]

I slept round a friend's house aged about 15, and she gave me a tour showing her room, her sisters room, her brothers room. And that was is - no other bedrooms. I asked where her parents slept, and it turned out theyd both had affairs and moved out to live with their new partners, leaving all the kids behind.

The parents both still lived in the same town and would pop by occasionally without warning, but generally weren't involved with their kids lives.

[mumeeee]

Sorry this happened to you OP and all the others that similar things happened to.
It's not normal and very selfish to leave an 18 year old doing A levels to live on their own.