Is it unreasonable to move out when DCs are still at school/college?

[movingoutmovingon]

Just wondering about this: would you move in with a new partner if your children were adults (18) but still living at home, doing A levels?

Obviously still continue to support them financially and drop in once a week?

[mumeeee]

Sorry this happened to you OP and all the others that similar things happened to.
It's not normal and very selfish to leave an 18 year old doing A levels to live on their own.

[MrsFionaCharming]

I slept round a friend's house aged about 15, and she gave me a tour showing her room, her sisters room, her brothers room. And that was is - no other bedrooms. I asked where her parents slept, and it turned out theyd both had affairs and moved out to live with their new partners, leaving all the kids behind.

The parents both still lived in the same town and would pop by occasionally without warning, but generally weren't involved with their kids lives.

[liminality]

I moved out of home at 16. The second my brother finished high school, a couple years later, mum turfed gently encouraged him to move in with me! It's not an age thing, it's a maturity thing.

Are they solid and independent? They'll be fine - they'll love it even!

Are they super flighty - they will probably have a few parties...

Are they super immature? Stay with them for the next 10 years or even longer a bit longer....

[Huskylover1]

You must have felt totally abandoned.

It's one thing for an 18 year old to leave home for Uni (which both my kids have done), but for a parent to leave the family home, and leave the 18 year old behind, is fucking ludicrous.

Your Dad sounds like an idiot (sorry).

No point dwelling on it now though.

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

It's not the age that's the problem, it's that you didn't feel ready or like you had enough support.

I left home at 16, it was absolutely the best move for me and I have never regretted it, my baby sister at 19 still feels she very much needs mum and wouldn't cope alone for a weekend, different people grow up at different speeds and it is totally wrong to decide to just go off and leave an 18 year old just because they are legally an adult.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Absolutely, there's a balance. I think option a) moving out/moving new partner in once children have flown nest is actually a less good solution than option b) allowing DC and new partner to gradually build a relationship and if the upshot is that you want to live with your new partner, then you all three have a series of conversations about how you do that in a way that feels respectful to everyone. I don't think a DC should be able to blanket veto a new partner moving in, tbh. I speak as someone who by the age of 14 was living with a stepmother-to-be in one house and a stepfather-to-be in the other (50:50 custody, week apart). I didn't always get along with either of them, but my parents made it clear that they loved us very much, and that was the most important thing.

[lizzyj4]

huck - there's a massive gap between having an adult relationship and meeting your family commitments (which thousands of single parents do successfully every day) and just straight up abandoning your kids (whether you move out or you kick them out). As a single parent, I believe it's really important to ensure your needs are met too, because otherwise you end up feeling resentful. It's completely possible to take care of yourself properly and have a new relationship (if you want one) whilst still providing a stable, secure home for your children as long as they need it. There might have to be compromises - such as not moving in with each other for a few years - but so what?Much better that than what my mother did, which was to play the martyr for several years while we were young (dad died when I was 7 and I was the eldest, believe me I appreciate it was tough on her) - she 'sacrificed everything' for us and boy did she let us and everyone else know it. The only problem being that by the time we were in our teens she had enough of it and was very resentful. So we were all kicked out one by one at some point between 16 - 18 and our relationships never recovered. There has to be a balance - looking after our children properly doesn't mean we can't also take care of ourselves.

[inkydinky]

My Mum left my Dad when I was 19, and had just left for university (with good reason, he was an arsehole and she'd been "staying for the children" really) she subsequently left the country with her new partner. I was happy for her and encouraged her but It was still very unsettling. I suddenly had no "home" to go to. So had to be totally independent from then on. It turned out fine for me. We're still close (she lives locally now) but i do know that if my girls go to university I'll make sure there is a home for them to come back to.

[zen1]

Relatives of mine did this. Buggered off to work abroad for a couple of years when their DC were 15, 17 and 19. They came back every couple of months, but still...

[Cantusethatname]

Just asked DS18, he said he would LOVE it and the house would turn into party central every night.
But I think the reality would hit him very hard.

[AhYerWill]

I think in most cases, parents who would move away leaving school-age kids behind, are probably not the type of parents who've provided a secure and stable upbringing for their child, sadly. A child that has an insecure/unstable upbringing will likely have lower self-esteem and poorer coping mechanisms - so the pain of this abandonment will be much worse for them, than for those that are secure in themselves and ready to fly the nest.

[BrutusMcDogface]

Exactly, trees; you should always have that safe base to return to. I know I did.

I'm so sorry, moving. This should not have happened to you.

[PlymouthMaid1]

Certainly not your fault Op. Bloody selfish thing to do. I gained a sixteen year old "lodger" like that once as her mum swanned off with bf four weeks before gcses. She could have gone but at a very bad time for her. Ended up living with me and my family for five years. The mums lack of thought for her daughter left me very puzzled.

[Treesinbloom]

So sorry for everyone who has been abandonned like this.

I think there is a huge difference between a DC moving out of the home (to go to uni or whatever) through choice, and a DC being left behind when a parent moves out.

[HuckfromScandal]

I see what you are saying Cheese
But I don't think that moving another man into another "man's" house is the solution either....it certainly wounds be in my case.

I am not sure that there is a solution tbh.
As I said - I was effectively moved out of my home at 19, but I certainly don't have abandonment issues.
Fortunately I am not planning on doing this any time soon or in the future. But I do think that everyone is different _ and one persons abandonment is another persons growing up.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Horribly selfish. My DD has a friend whose mum died last year when she was 15. Parents had split up years before, dad lived an hour away. She has basically fended for herself most of the time, with dad popping in now and then and throwing money at her to absolve his guilt. She's currently doing GCSEs with no support at home, it's heart breaking.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Huck, I reckon you move your new partner in in that case (or all move into a new property together). I think your DC would get over having someone move in much faster than having you move out.

[Reow]

Teh fook?

[JaceLancs]

My DP was abandoned by his parents at 16 - when his Dad accepted a 5 year contract in Canada - they did take his younger brother with them
DP had just left school and started an apprenticeship so they left him
Their relationship never recovered and he's now totally nc

[alpacawhacker]

I listened to an episode of Desert Island Discs recently, I'm pretty sure it was Mary Portas. Her father did this to her and her siblings after her mother died and he remaried. He then died unexpectedly and his second wife sold the family home out from under them. I thought the whole thing was heartbreaking.

[FathomsDeepAndFallingFurther]

My grandparents did a similar thing to my mum. GF got a new job so he and GM moved to a new house across the country. They arranged for my mum to stay in digs so she wouldn't have to interrupt her A level courses. She lived my herself for 15 months. She had a landlady who kept an eye on her but I still always thought it was an odd thing to do.

Poor you OP.

[movingoutmovingon]

I don't know Huck I guess that's what my dad would have said. He moved out gradually really, just slowly spent more and more time with his new partner until he was living there.

[HuckfromScandal]

These are some sad stories and I am sorry that it happened to you.
My mum and dad split - my mum moved country and whilst I moved country with her - at that pony I was expected to fend for myself and moved into my own flat. I was19.
I didn't feel abandoned though.

Question - what age is it ok to leave your kids?
I have been a single parent since my son was tiny. And whilst he is my world - I want to have some kind of relationship etc.
He absolutely doesn't want someone else to move into our house - which given it's always been just the 2 of us - I totally get - but when do I get to have my life?! 18/19:20.......there isn't a magic number here.

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

No
And it's even less Normal to do it when your daughters are 13 and 15

Sorry mum but it is

[Middleoftheroad]

OP.I was a bit older 19/20 my mom had left to run a pub and dad moved it with his new DP while O stayed in the family home which was being sold. yes I was older (and I know another poster was a single parent at 17 so I don't want to sound OTT) but I felt very sad and lonely at the time, so I do feel for you.