To not want to 'share' my infertility 'experience' with my friend

[user1491861804]

Bit of a backstory to this one and I don't want to dripfeed so will just summarise....

My relationship with my once closest friend of about 20 years somewhat broke down over the past couple of years. She is quite needy at the best of times and I haven't felt the same since she very aggressively attacked me for not being a good friend (not the case). We have exchanged pleasantries by text every now and then and she is clearly guilty but wouldntt apologise and I'm not desperate for one either.
I have reached the point where I wouldn't be bothered if I never spoke to her again. I just can't get past how she treated me.

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement. I am at the point where I am actively avoiding pregnant friends who have been really bloody kind to me, I am panicky every day and I don't know how to move forward with my life as we are scraping the barrel treatment wise.

Said friend is slightly overweight (bmi wise) and her periods come once every 2 months. She recently got in touch out of the blue to say that she was waiting for a referal to her local IF dept as she wanted to get treatment despite not having tried to conceive for much more than 6 months. She claimed to 'finally understand how hard this mjst be for me'. I bit my tongue.

She told me earlier this week that she has been prescribed 25mg of clomid (I fail to see how this amount would do anything at all!!!). I replied and asked what the treatment plan was. She responded 3 days later asking why I was "being so cold"
And that "this is an experience we can share together and get our relationship back on track". I'm fuming and haven't replied. I am probably being U, but I don't want to 'share' this nightmare with anyone, least of all her and our situations are not the same. I don't particularly discuss my situation with people as I figure it's too bloody miserable. Chances are she will be pg in a few months and I don't understand how she doesn't get why our circumstances aren't the same. Not to mention there are holes in her story and I feel like she is exaggerating her situation. Everything always ended up being about her and I can't do it anymore. For the record, my message wasn't cold but because I wasn't all excited in response, she interprets it as being cold. Aibu??? Wwyd?

[ohfourfoxache]

Elspeth that was far more succinct and articulate than I could ever manage!

[gabsdot]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Infertility totally sucks. It's a terrible experience and unless you have lived it you just can't understand.
You should protect yourself. When I was going through my infertility experience I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I understand that.
Just tell her that you're struggling and wish her well but you won't be able to be there for her.

[Wando1986]

ElspethFlashman, a lot of specialists do recommend it now. Every one I've seen has suggested low gi/cutting carbs but never in the guise of the keto or paleo diet. It's like it totally reset my body. I've only put on 4lbs the whole pregnancy too and that's in the past fortnight from water weight, and I haven't even been doing keto while pregnant. Around 75% of my 'May Babys' group on fb (300 of us?) are Keto Babies! It's crazy.

[SenseiWoo]

Protect yourself, OP. If that means not speaking to your friend about this or anything else, then fine.

[LorelaiLeighGilmore]

Agree with the red herring theme. You have no obligation to stay friends with anyone OP. However, people have different coping mechanisms and "only a bit infertile" could be interpreted as "difficult to conceive" which could be heartbreaking to some. If you don't want to be friends, don't be, but your fertility issues aren't a competition to who's worse off.

[tigerdog]

I think it's a bit unfair of PPs to allude to the OP making it a competition between whose fertility issues are worse.

It IS very different to be at the end of the line treatment-wise, compared with just starting out with the hope that medical treatment can help you get pregnant. When you've had that hope taken away, it becomes a different ball game.

Speaking as someone who has had three rounds of IVF and two heartbreaking miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, I would find it heard to sympathise with someone who wasn't sensitive enough to realise that. Especially if they had been a shit friend to start with and the support was all one way.

As others have said - she sounds like a crap friend regardless, so you are best off keeping your distance.

[nokidshere]

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement.

That just means you are an expert in your fertility- not everyone else's. there is no "one shoe fits all" when it comes to medical issues. You have no idea if she will get pregnant. And nor does she.

YABU because her infertility isn't any better than yours just because you are 3 years into it.

But I get where you are coming from. I have chronic psoriasis and the amount of people who complain to me that they have a spot, or a "bit of dry skin" has me fighting not to roll my eyes at the very least.

Also I was ttc for 15 years I had everything over and over again and eventually all avenues had been closed and the consultant told me to go home and make my peace with being childless. Two years later I fell pregnant, and again two years after that.

Tell your friend that you don't find it helpful to discuss it. And good luck

[ohfourfoxache]

Can I just say to everyone on this thread who has been through or who is going through anything to do with fertility, please prioritise yourself and your own circumstances.

It is just a gut wrenchingly difficult thing to go through and it drains you physically, mentally and emotionally. Do not feel guilty in any way, shape or form for concentrating on yourself.

I know it's a very unMNetty thing to do but I'm genuinely sending you all a virtual

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

There are two issues
Here really

The friend is a no brainer . You
Don't like her and there is no need to re friend her . Stay blithe if she texts and wish her well -

I think the Pain of what you are experimenting is almost palpable - you describe it so well that I can almost taste it OP . As people
Say it's like a bereavement and it drags and drags . Fucking savage .
How much longer can you bear it