To not want to 'share' my infertility 'experience' with my friend

[user1491861804]

Bit of a backstory to this one and I don't want to dripfeed so will just summarise....

My relationship with my once closest friend of about 20 years somewhat broke down over the past couple of years. She is quite needy at the best of times and I haven't felt the same since she very aggressively attacked me for not being a good friend (not the case). We have exchanged pleasantries by text every now and then and she is clearly guilty but wouldntt apologise and I'm not desperate for one either.
I have reached the point where I wouldn't be bothered if I never spoke to her again. I just can't get past how she treated me.

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement. I am at the point where I am actively avoiding pregnant friends who have been really bloody kind to me, I am panicky every day and I don't know how to move forward with my life as we are scraping the barrel treatment wise.

Said friend is slightly overweight (bmi wise) and her periods come once every 2 months. She recently got in touch out of the blue to say that she was waiting for a referal to her local IF dept as she wanted to get treatment despite not having tried to conceive for much more than 6 months. She claimed to 'finally understand how hard this mjst be for me'. I bit my tongue.

She told me earlier this week that she has been prescribed 25mg of clomid (I fail to see how this amount would do anything at all!!!). I replied and asked what the treatment plan was. She responded 3 days later asking why I was "being so cold"
And that "this is an experience we can share together and get our relationship back on track". I'm fuming and haven't replied. I am probably being U, but I don't want to 'share' this nightmare with anyone, least of all her and our situations are not the same. I don't particularly discuss my situation with people as I figure it's too bloody miserable. Chances are she will be pg in a few months and I don't understand how she doesn't get why our circumstances aren't the same. Not to mention there are holes in her story and I feel like she is exaggerating her situation. Everything always ended up being about her and I can't do it anymore. For the record, my message wasn't cold but because I wasn't all excited in response, she interprets it as being cold. Aibu??? Wwyd?

[Arkhamasylum]

I think what would annoy me is her attempt to co-opt your experience for her own ends. Maybe you don't want to 'share', and if you do, maybe it should be your decision rather than hers. It's fairly presumptuous to assume that your person pain is there for her to access on demand.

If she has fertility issues, then I wish her the best. It sounds like you've been through hell though, OP and you're not obliged to act as an emotional reference point for a demanding 'friend'.

[Lottapianos]

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. You need to be very protective of yourself when you're going through terrible pain. Not many people understand it and you risk getting hurt by sharing your feelings. Trust your instincts on this one. It sounds like everything needs to be on her terms and that's not something you need to be dealing with right now

[PerspicaciaTick]

I think that you are abolsutely fine to only share as much energy and privacy with your friend as you want to. Do not give more than is good for your own well being.

However, when i found out I needed IVF, I had two wonderful women (neither of whom knew me very well at the time) who were very generous with their time, their stories and their advice. I was so thankful to them at the time and 10 years later am still grateful for their support and kindness.

[Teabagtits]

With respect, it's not difficult.
Well it was for me. They needed far more proof than just my say so...

[Katedotness1963]

I took Clomid, they started me out on a low dose too. Which did absolutely nothing and then raised it over time. Irregular periods and being over weight might be down to PCOS?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I think it varies depending where you are, tea. In Oxfordshire I was told no chance. In Cambridgeshire, they were only too keen. But the OP might well know how hard it is in the area her friend is in.

Incidentally, I don't think the OP saying 'chances are ...' about her friend's situation, is insensitive or cold. After all clinics constantly talk in terms of your chances - the probability of this and the statistical likelihood of that. There is a difference between going in knowing you've many failed treatments behind you, and going in when you've been told that in all likelihood, you should conceive.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Sounds like the friendship had already reached it's course. Just don't engage and get on with your life. Wishing you luck on your own treatment.

[Lottapianos]

'sounds incredibly dismissive and harsh, perhaps she will - and if she is then surely that's a good thing?'

That's a very harsh comment in itself. I can completely understand why the OP would not be in a place where she could feel happy for her friend if she did get pregnant. When baby-related stuff hurts, you tend to try to stay away from people who are or might become pregnant soon. I don't have children, mostly by choice, but a part of me is still very sad about it, and I avoid friendships with people who are parents because it hurts.

As others have said OP, keep it light and breezy if you do reply. Just don't be available if you don't want to see her. Its totally understandable

[mousymary]

Just a short text saying, "Oh, sorry to hear that, good luck with the treatment x"

There is literally nothing worse than "only a bit infertile" people. I remember one person saying to me, "Oh, yes, we suffered from infertility too. I didn't get pregnant the first month."

[Smitff]

YANBU

Infertility is brutal. Give each other space and leave well alone.

[Sexstarvedredhead]

But then that is equally true the other side too. I was told by a friend I was "only a bit" infertile by a friend when I shared my surprise that I was categorised thus by my Dr. A lot of people who have experienced massive fetility issues are like completely unwilling to entertain the notion that anyone else can be going through pain with their experiences.
My wheelchair user friend would never belittle pain I experience from arthritis because she has it worse.
OP. It's clear you can't relate because you don't like this person. I don't know why you don't but just back off from her, or ghost her or tell her straight out you'll never be close.

[October18th]

And I would consider a period at least every two months to be fairly regular.

But it isn't? A 'normal' cycle is around 28 days. Give her a break.

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

I truly sympathise with your infertility. However, I think you are being uncessacarily unkind to your friend. It's obvious you don't like her but it seems like this an excuse to never speak to her again. Infertility is horrendous and if you gave even the smallest of damns about her you would be supportive but instead you're comparing her struggle to conceive with yours and in your opinion she's coming up short. You consider your struggle to be "bigger" or "worse" than hers.Yes, she's just at the beginning of a very difficult journey whereas you are quite a way in but if you had any kind of empathy you would surely be supporting her rather than making comments about her weight, accusing her of lying and undermining what she's going through. For all you know this has been going on a hell of a lot longer than she's told you, she might have been trying to spare you from the ins and outs of her infertility as you deal with your own.

You do sound cold and I don't blame her for being hurt by your attitude.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Unresolved infertility is actually a form of bereavement, so I think everyone can understand that OP won't necessarily feel rational about her response, just as in other types of bereavement

[Aeroflotgirl]

You don't want her friendship, just distance yourself from her. Don't reply to her texts, hopefully she will drop you.

[Wando1986]

OP, we were ttc for 12 years. TWELVE.

You know what fixed it? I started running, did a keto diet on and off and started consuming full fat dairy every day (just half a pint of blue milk and switching to real butter, eating a bit more cheese etc) after reading about (I think the crazy guy who did bullet coffee?) doing his fertility icecream. After 3 months I was producing healthy eggs and ovulating properly. After another 3 I was up the duff. I'm due next week

[FizzyGreenWater]

You could actually leave out the infertility completely and the core problem would be the same.

She sounds self-absorbed and easily offended and bloody hard work. Your relationship is pretty much withered, and she contacts you out of the blue about something. Then, because your response wasn't exactly as she wished it to be, she's already on your case.

The fact that she was contacting you about something that was a very difficult topic for you makes that 100 times worse. The fact that she managed to get in a massivley insensitive comment about 'understanding' your experience makes her even more of an arsehole.

But even without those elements she is still a pretty insensitive arsehole. You really don't want to be her friend, you sound like you have the right idea there.

She just ignored your reply for three days, start off by doing the same and see if she just doesn't get back to you.

[ElspethFlashman]

Wando the wife of a friend of mine did that. Nothing for years and then she did this diet and BAM! Frankly I nodded and smiled and privately thought it was sheer coincidence but if it worked for you too you never know.

If it's successful though how come everyone isn't doing it? Or being advised to do it?

[Osirus]

Infertility is really, really hard. BUT, it is not a competition. There seems to be a real infertility "I've had it worse" on Mumsnet, particularly on the IF board.

At every eight weeks her periods are not regular.

I had IVF.

I would always give support and encouragement, and advice, if I could. It can be very daunting for someone on the beginning of their journey, one which may not give them the happy ending they long for. In my opinion, not knowing the outcome is by far the worst part of IVF, not how many different treatments you've had. The treatment itself was the easy bit.

[MatildaTheCat]

I would wish her luck but add that she would be better off getting support from people who are in a more similar situation and suggesting an online forum. She is asking for your support and isn't getting that it's too much to ask.

YANBU but no need to ignore altogether.

Very different but I have an incurable injury which will cause me disability and pain for the rest of my life. Last Christmas my aunt broke her ankle and wrote me great long moany messages about how hard she was finding it to be 'disabled' and how depressed she was. No mention of how she now realised how it was for me.I felt pretty similar to you and haven't, in fact spoken to her since although I did reply one sentence:' welcome to my world.' But that's no help. Anyway, I wish you well and hope you find a way of coping.

[Neverknowing]

I had a friend who pretended to be pregnant and have a miscarriage to get closer to me again. I'd avoid her, she's upset you before and she seems a drama, you don't have to be nice to her just because she may be having fertility problems !

[ohfourfoxache]

FWIW, cycles every 2 months and being overweight is highly indicative of PCOS and the GP has done the right thing in referring her. I say that as someone whose background is specifically in ovulation induction btw, I'm not so hot on other forms of assisted conception.

But, let's face it, this is a bit of a red herring, isn't it? From what you've posted she does not sound like a particularly pleasant person at all and at the very, very least is ridiculously insensitive. To essentially tell you that you are in the same boat when she has realistically been so insensitive about what you've been through is pretty shit.

Why are you still bothering with her? Do yourself a favour and cut her out - I promise you that you don't need the additional stress and drama that she will inevitably bring with her, especially over the next few months.

It doesn't matter what her reaction is, or what she says or what she accuses you of. What matters is you and your OH and what is going to make life easier for you.

[Tiptoethr0ughthetulips]

YANBU at all, you don't want her friendship because of the way she has treated you in the past. Is she someone you'd bump into or if you block her would that be it? If the latter and you don't socialise in the same circles then I'd cut her off completely.

[ElspethFlashman]

Yeah it's a total red herring.

Cos she sounds like a drama llama shit friend who has unwritten rules about how to be a friend to her that she doesn't deign to put across until some transgression.

Tiresome.