To not want to 'share' my infertility 'experience' with my friend

[user1491861804]

Bit of a backstory to this one and I don't want to dripfeed so will just summarise....

My relationship with my once closest friend of about 20 years somewhat broke down over the past couple of years. She is quite needy at the best of times and I haven't felt the same since she very aggressively attacked me for not being a good friend (not the case). We have exchanged pleasantries by text every now and then and she is clearly guilty but wouldntt apologise and I'm not desperate for one either.
I have reached the point where I wouldn't be bothered if I never spoke to her again. I just can't get past how she treated me.

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement. I am at the point where I am actively avoiding pregnant friends who have been really bloody kind to me, I am panicky every day and I don't know how to move forward with my life as we are scraping the barrel treatment wise.

Said friend is slightly overweight (bmi wise) and her periods come once every 2 months. She recently got in touch out of the blue to say that she was waiting for a referal to her local IF dept as she wanted to get treatment despite not having tried to conceive for much more than 6 months. She claimed to 'finally understand how hard this mjst be for me'. I bit my tongue.

She told me earlier this week that she has been prescribed 25mg of clomid (I fail to see how this amount would do anything at all!!!). I replied and asked what the treatment plan was. She responded 3 days later asking why I was "being so cold"
And that "this is an experience we can share together and get our relationship back on track". I'm fuming and haven't replied. I am probably being U, but I don't want to 'share' this nightmare with anyone, least of all her and our situations are not the same. I don't particularly discuss my situation with people as I figure it's too bloody miserable. Chances are she will be pg in a few months and I don't understand how she doesn't get why our circumstances aren't the same. Not to mention there are holes in her story and I feel like she is exaggerating her situation. Everything always ended up being about her and I can't do it anymore. For the record, my message wasn't cold but because I wasn't all excited in response, she interprets it as being cold. Aibu??? Wwyd?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

There are two issues
Here really

The friend is a no brainer . You
Don't like her and there is no need to re friend her . Stay blithe if she texts and wish her well -

I think the Pain of what you are experimenting is almost palpable - you describe it so well that I can almost taste it OP . As people
Say it's like a bereavement and it drags and drags . Fucking savage .
How much longer can you bear it

[ohfourfoxache]

Can I just say to everyone on this thread who has been through or who is going through anything to do with fertility, please prioritise yourself and your own circumstances.

It is just a gut wrenchingly difficult thing to go through and it drains you physically, mentally and emotionally. Do not feel guilty in any way, shape or form for concentrating on yourself.

I know it's a very unMNetty thing to do but I'm genuinely sending you all a virtual

[nokidshere]

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. During this time I have had about 20 cycles of clomid, multiple rounds using injectables, ovarian driling, laparoscopy, endo removal, 4 rounds of IUI and one failed IVF cycle two months ago. To say I'm an expert in all things infertility is an understatement.

That just means you are an expert in your fertility- not everyone else's. there is no "one shoe fits all" when it comes to medical issues. You have no idea if she will get pregnant. And nor does she.

YABU because her infertility isn't any better than yours just because you are 3 years into it.

But I get where you are coming from. I have chronic psoriasis and the amount of people who complain to me that they have a spot, or a "bit of dry skin" has me fighting not to roll my eyes at the very least.

Also I was ttc for 15 years I had everything over and over again and eventually all avenues had been closed and the consultant told me to go home and make my peace with being childless. Two years later I fell pregnant, and again two years after that.

Tell your friend that you don't find it helpful to discuss it. And good luck

[tigerdog]

I think it's a bit unfair of PPs to allude to the OP making it a competition between whose fertility issues are worse.

It IS very different to be at the end of the line treatment-wise, compared with just starting out with the hope that medical treatment can help you get pregnant. When you've had that hope taken away, it becomes a different ball game.

Speaking as someone who has had three rounds of IVF and two heartbreaking miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, I would find it heard to sympathise with someone who wasn't sensitive enough to realise that. Especially if they had been a shit friend to start with and the support was all one way.

As others have said - she sounds like a crap friend regardless, so you are best off keeping your distance.

[LorelaiLeighGilmore]

Agree with the red herring theme. You have no obligation to stay friends with anyone OP. However, people have different coping mechanisms and "only a bit infertile" could be interpreted as "difficult to conceive" which could be heartbreaking to some. If you don't want to be friends, don't be, but your fertility issues aren't a competition to who's worse off.

[SenseiWoo]

Protect yourself, OP. If that means not speaking to your friend about this or anything else, then fine.

[Wando1986]

ElspethFlashman, a lot of specialists do recommend it now. Every one I've seen has suggested low gi/cutting carbs but never in the guise of the keto or paleo diet. It's like it totally reset my body. I've only put on 4lbs the whole pregnancy too and that's in the past fortnight from water weight, and I haven't even been doing keto while pregnant. Around 75% of my 'May Babys' group on fb (300 of us?) are Keto Babies! It's crazy.

[gabsdot]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Infertility totally sucks. It's a terrible experience and unless you have lived it you just can't understand.
You should protect yourself. When I was going through my infertility experience I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I understand that.
Just tell her that you're struggling and wish her well but you won't be able to be there for her.

[ohfourfoxache]

Elspeth that was far more succinct and articulate than I could ever manage!

[ElspethFlashman]

Yeah it's a total red herring.

Cos she sounds like a drama llama shit friend who has unwritten rules about how to be a friend to her that she doesn't deign to put across until some transgression.

Tiresome.

[Tiptoethr0ughthetulips]

YANBU at all, you don't want her friendship because of the way she has treated you in the past. Is she someone you'd bump into or if you block her would that be it? If the latter and you don't socialise in the same circles then I'd cut her off completely.

[ohfourfoxache]

FWIW, cycles every 2 months and being overweight is highly indicative of PCOS and the GP has done the right thing in referring her. I say that as someone whose background is specifically in ovulation induction btw, I'm not so hot on other forms of assisted conception.

But, let's face it, this is a bit of a red herring, isn't it? From what you've posted she does not sound like a particularly pleasant person at all and at the very, very least is ridiculously insensitive. To essentially tell you that you are in the same boat when she has realistically been so insensitive about what you've been through is pretty shit.

Why are you still bothering with her? Do yourself a favour and cut her out - I promise you that you don't need the additional stress and drama that she will inevitably bring with her, especially over the next few months.

It doesn't matter what her reaction is, or what she says or what she accuses you of. What matters is you and your OH and what is going to make life easier for you.

[Neverknowing]

I had a friend who pretended to be pregnant and have a miscarriage to get closer to me again. I'd avoid her, she's upset you before and she seems a drama, you don't have to be nice to her just because she may be having fertility problems !

[MatildaTheCat]

I would wish her luck but add that she would be better off getting support from people who are in a more similar situation and suggesting an online forum. She is asking for your support and isn't getting that it's too much to ask.

YANBU but no need to ignore altogether.

Very different but I have an incurable injury which will cause me disability and pain for the rest of my life. Last Christmas my aunt broke her ankle and wrote me great long moany messages about how hard she was finding it to be 'disabled' and how depressed she was. No mention of how she now realised how it was for me.I felt pretty similar to you and haven't, in fact spoken to her since although I did reply one sentence:' welcome to my world.' But that's no help. Anyway, I wish you well and hope you find a way of coping.

[Osirus]

Infertility is really, really hard. BUT, it is not a competition. There seems to be a real infertility "I've had it worse" on Mumsnet, particularly on the IF board.

At every eight weeks her periods are not regular.

I had IVF.

I would always give support and encouragement, and advice, if I could. It can be very daunting for someone on the beginning of their journey, one which may not give them the happy ending they long for. In my opinion, not knowing the outcome is by far the worst part of IVF, not how many different treatments you've had. The treatment itself was the easy bit.

[ElspethFlashman]

Wando the wife of a friend of mine did that. Nothing for years and then she did this diet and BAM! Frankly I nodded and smiled and privately thought it was sheer coincidence but if it worked for you too you never know.

If it's successful though how come everyone isn't doing it? Or being advised to do it?

[FizzyGreenWater]

You could actually leave out the infertility completely and the core problem would be the same.

She sounds self-absorbed and easily offended and bloody hard work. Your relationship is pretty much withered, and she contacts you out of the blue about something. Then, because your response wasn't exactly as she wished it to be, she's already on your case.

The fact that she was contacting you about something that was a very difficult topic for you makes that 100 times worse. The fact that she managed to get in a massivley insensitive comment about 'understanding' your experience makes her even more of an arsehole.

But even without those elements she is still a pretty insensitive arsehole. You really don't want to be her friend, you sound like you have the right idea there.

She just ignored your reply for three days, start off by doing the same and see if she just doesn't get back to you.

[Wando1986]

OP, we were ttc for 12 years. TWELVE.

You know what fixed it? I started running, did a keto diet on and off and started consuming full fat dairy every day (just half a pint of blue milk and switching to real butter, eating a bit more cheese etc) after reading about (I think the crazy guy who did bullet coffee?) doing his fertility icecream. After 3 months I was producing healthy eggs and ovulating properly. After another 3 I was up the duff. I'm due next week

[Aeroflotgirl]

You don't want her friendship, just distance yourself from her. Don't reply to her texts, hopefully she will drop you.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Unresolved infertility is actually a form of bereavement, so I think everyone can understand that OP won't necessarily feel rational about her response, just as in other types of bereavement

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

I truly sympathise with your infertility. However, I think you are being uncessacarily unkind to your friend. It's obvious you don't like her but it seems like this an excuse to never speak to her again. Infertility is horrendous and if you gave even the smallest of damns about her you would be supportive but instead you're comparing her struggle to conceive with yours and in your opinion she's coming up short. You consider your struggle to be "bigger" or "worse" than hers.Yes, she's just at the beginning of a very difficult journey whereas you are quite a way in but if you had any kind of empathy you would surely be supporting her rather than making comments about her weight, accusing her of lying and undermining what she's going through. For all you know this has been going on a hell of a lot longer than she's told you, she might have been trying to spare you from the ins and outs of her infertility as you deal with your own.

You do sound cold and I don't blame her for being hurt by your attitude.

[October18th]

And I would consider a period at least every two months to be fairly regular.

But it isn't? A 'normal' cycle is around 28 days. Give her a break.

[Sexstarvedredhead]

But then that is equally true the other side too. I was told by a friend I was "only a bit" infertile by a friend when I shared my surprise that I was categorised thus by my Dr. A lot of people who have experienced massive fetility issues are like completely unwilling to entertain the notion that anyone else can be going through pain with their experiences.
My wheelchair user friend would never belittle pain I experience from arthritis because she has it worse.
OP. It's clear you can't relate because you don't like this person. I don't know why you don't but just back off from her, or ghost her or tell her straight out you'll never be close.

[Smitff]

YANBU

Infertility is brutal. Give each other space and leave well alone.

[mousymary]

Just a short text saying, "Oh, sorry to hear that, good luck with the treatment x"

There is literally nothing worse than "only a bit infertile" people. I remember one person saying to me, "Oh, yes, we suffered from infertility too. I didn't get pregnant the first month."