Arguing over DC AIBU to think this could be the end

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I've name changed because DP knows my username, I don't want to drip feed but don't want to out myself either.

I have 1 DC and DP has 2.

We have been together for a few years but every so often issues creep up with DC and after our latest argument lots of issues seem to have come out from both sides and I'm reaching the point where I think we can't make this work anymore.

I have my DC full time DP has his 3 days a week sometimes more or less depending on work. When the DC are here I do all the cooking, washing and bathing and DC gets them dressed in the morning before bed. We both play with them will both tell them to behave if there not ect..

I am looking after my friends DC to give her a break and to play with mine, DP told me I shouldn't because I should prefer to have his DC here rather then someone who isn't biologically either of ours, my argument is if he isn't here he doesn't have his DC here, I've offered before if I have plans with my DC but it's always been no I'm at work its to much to do pick ups drops off or always some excuse so I stopped offering but I thought it was understood the offer was always there and open, but apparently if I'm not verbally offering constantly then it's not there.

He now thinks that I shouldn't be doing things with my DC or my friends DC because his DC are missing out so its not fair to them even though it's not in my control when they are here and this only spires my DC by keeping her in the house because his DC aren't here and when they are here he doesn't want me to go out because it should be family time so I feel like I can never see my friends.

If I buy my DC something and not his It pisses him off, so if I can only afford one pair of shoes that my DC need I shouldn't buy them because I can't buy 3 but when one of his DC needed shoes he was happy for me to spend my last money so they could have them but not the other two.

I know this seems so petty but there's lots more to it but I don't want to drop the post on.

I don't feel like IABU but he thinks I am and I don't no how to find more of a compromise can anyone help ?

[AppleOfMyEye10]

If you aren't already planning on kicking him out of your and your child's life then you are failing her. This man is competing with your child and telling you to neglect her to suit him. Why are you even questioning anything?? Your child needs to come first.

He is telling you loud and clear he doesn't see her as his family other than she's related to you. He wants you to not buy her stuff that she needs, does that sound like someone who should be around her in a permanent role?

What do you want to discuss with him? Is this even something to discus and explain away? Get rid, you are her mother.

[FloatyCat]

He's is in the wrong simple as that. You cannot be expected to stay in when step children are not with you just because the DSC own mother doesn't go out much, this is not your problem one little bit, and thoroughly unreasonable to expect you to.
He is expecting you to pick up her slack at the expense of your own child.

[AppleOfMyEye10]

Op he is dividing the children here, they may be little now and not realize it but as they grow up his influence will reflect on them. Do you really want to be dealing with your one child up against two and their twat of a father. You both don't need this man around.
It's pathetic how he's so spiteful towards your Dd.

[WinnieFosterTether]

Of course he can 'get his head around' it, he just doesn't want to acknowledge the truth in what you're saying because it means admitting he is being a selfish arse.
You can't make him step up. You can't make him compromise. You can't stop him being a lazy and manipulative man-child who wants to interfere in every aspect of your parenting to try to make himself feel better about how poor his own parenting is.
I wouldn't bother talking to him about it tonight. He's going to try to railroad you or pull Disney dad/DP if he thinks you're leaving. You don't need to give him your time and emotional energy tonight OP. You can say 'no'.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

Sounds like he is using feelings as a kind of "weapon" -- after all, "you aren't doing what I want" and "you don't care about my feelings" are not the same thing, especially when what someone wants is completely unreasonable. Same for saying you don't love or care for his DC because you won't keep yours in at home out of "fairness". That's manipulative and controlling. Don't fall for it.

[endofthelinefinally]

God he sounds like hard work.
And very controlling.
You are not his employee. Or even his unpaid skivvy.
You could have a nice, relatively stress free life, just you and your own dc. You would be able to socialise as you see fit.

[expatinscotland]

You're being unreasonable to stay another second with this man.

[BluePeppersAndBroccoli]

Treating children equally doesn't mean doing the same thing for everyone. That means giving them what they need.
So giving shoes to a child that doesn't need them isn't treating them fairly.
And it certainly isn't when said child will be getting some shoes anyway, from his mum for example.

That also means that, if you do something and all the dcs are here, then you all do it (and as their father, HE will pay for the outing, not you).
But this means that when his dcs aren't there, you can do whatever you want with your DC, the s'aime way that they do their own things with their mum (the fact she isn't doing a lot isn't your responsibility).

I agree with writing a letter. This will allow you to make your point clearly and unemotionally. Hopefully this will have a bigger impact than if things get heated VERY quickly.
The fact he thinks you might well be leaving is a good thing TBH. This might be what he needs to start pullzing his socks up.
Downside is that you will have to stick to your own boundaries and refuse to do whatever you think is not acceptable (and he had accepted was)

[Hidingtonothing]

I'm not sure I would want to be with a man who was so hung up on 'fairness' he was happy for my DC to go without essentials like shoes. He would need to change so much about the way he thinks for this to be resolved I fear you may be flogging a dead horse here OP.

My SIL is like this, DB has an older child from a previous relationship and then 2 young ones with SIL. The older child can't have anything without SIL insisting their 2 get the equivalent and she makes DB's life hell if he tries to do anything with the older one which doesn't/can't include the younger ones.

Its ridiculous, blended families require flexibility and common sense above 'fairness' imo, it's about making sure each child's needs are met not whether that happens to work out equal.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

What does he do for your DC?
You are doing a lot for his DCs when they are over but he doesn't seem to do anything for your DC.
To summarize what you have said, he doesn't pay for his DCs, he doesn't take care of his DCs (cooking,washing, planning activities, etc...) and on top of that he is jealous/trying to prevent you to do stuff with your DC when his are away. He is BU.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I'm going to write him a letter and detail absolutely everything and I think we need some time apart because I feel I just need some time with my DC and just to give her undivided attention and with everything's that's been said we're in a bad place and I know he will try and rush things along to brush it under the carpet but that isn't going to work. I think time will give some clarity and help me get my head straight and be more stronger about my decision

[AppleOfMyEye10]

The fact he thinks you might well be leaving is a good thing TBH. This might be what he needs to start pullzing his socks up.

Why should he be forced into thinking like an adult? the fact he thinks she might be leaving is not a good thing, he will attempt to make promises based on making her stay not because it's the right way to behave in a blended family.

[KickAssAngel]

Write a letter if you want, but I don't think it will make any difference. He's using emotional blackmail to force you into a box where you do everything that he should be doing for his kids.

If he really loved them and wanted them to be happy, he'd make sure their clothes were clean, they got proper meals, that trips out were organized, that they had friends over etc. he would WANT to do those things because that's how parents feel about their kids. This isn't about his kids missing out - this is him forcing you to be the good little wifey who does all his parenting for him.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

Wine is in order for tonight I think. I feel so fed up with life at the minute yes self pity

[ClopySow]

It's not self pity, your relationship is making you unhappy.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think, if you want to try to work it out, that you and he could really benefit from counseling. Any counselor worth a darn will see how one sided the situation is and will tell him to buck up his ideas and become a participating parent to all the children.

I think the letter is a good idea. It helps you organize your thoughts and present them in a logical manner. When DH and I went through our rough patch and were in counseling I often wrote letters to express myself and read them to him in session.

[Mrseft]

Or tell him to piss off and give his head a wobble and come back when he's realised he's effectively asking you to neglect the needs and wants of your child 4 days a week, to satisfy his own guilt and jealousy.

^ That.
Plus, so many red flags, talk about controlling and one sided. He seriously expects you to buy his kids shoes when you buy your own child's shoes? To not let your child play with other kids aside from his kids? I'd be telling him to jog right on

[Livelovebehappy]

With someone like this you have to be very assertive with him and basically do what you feel is right for you and your DC. If you're not an assertive person then he will win every time, and has probably got so used to you falling in with his unreasonable rules, that he grinds you down when he wants his own way as you have given in to him before. If he tells you not to do something, just say firmly " no, I have made the decision on what I'm going to do". You don't have to shout or argue, but just be firm, every time. He will either get the message and no longer challenge your decisions, or he will sulk and whinge to get his own way, in which case is the relationship worth having? . I know it can be draining when standing your ground, but it sounds like he needs to understand you will not give way to him controlling you.

[ScrambledSmegs]

So basically he wants both you and him to put his children first. With minimal effort from him, of course.

Who's putting your child first in this utopia of his?

[MammaTJ]

It seems to me he wants his DC to have three people who put them first, himself, his ex and you, but your DC to only have you to put them first and that is not fair on your DC!

[JustSpeakSense]

You need time alone with your DC.

He needs time alone with his DC.

The DC need time with their own friends away from their siblings and step siblings.

And then time all together is also important.

All of the above needs to be balanced, he sounds very unreasonable.

[Underthemoonlight]

He's out of order op. I used to feel guilty if we ever did out when DS was out at his fathers but he was also having time with his dad and got spoilt and it enabled me to give more time to other DC. DS then gets to go on one to one activities with me suitable to his age ( other DC are a lot younger). Does he make any effort to do things with his DC or does he expect you to do it all? I don't even tend to measure what I do with each DC because it's all dependant on their age lately I seem to be buying more for ds1. But ds2 who's a baby doesn't seem to get a lot. I don't think you can accurately measure what you do or even spend with DC because their needs varies at different times.

[expatinscotland]

'He wants to talk tonight to open out the issues on my side and on his and try to make a plan going forward but I'm sceptical he knows I'm close to walking away and I think he'll make whatever promises he needs to make for us to carry on and try to brush it all under the carpet

I was thinking of writing him a letter'

this is your chance to get away from this. I think once you do, you'll realise how warped this relationship is and yes, your DD needs to come first in your life. He's manipulative and controlling so he'll use this 'talk' to bamboozle you and sweep it all under the carpet, you yourself know this. I wish you were strong enough to cancel the talk and just give him teh letter.

[RebelRogue]

The cynic in me thinks that he is a controlling twat anyways,and just using his kids as an excuse to control what you spend,when,who you see etc.
It sounds nicer saying " aww but dsc would miss out" than " I don't want you to do x", with the added bonus of making you feel guilty and twist reality.
That's without even considering the fact that you do everything for them anyways while he plays Disney dad.

Just out of curiosity did something that "cemented" your relationship happened around the time he changed? Like moving in together,a proposal, talk of buying a house,baby,marriage,moving in etc?!

[AmserGwin]

He is seriously out of order, get rid. He probably thinks he's not even doing anything wrong either! Idiot