Arguing over DC AIBU to think this could be the end

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I've name changed because DP knows my username, I don't want to drip feed but don't want to out myself either.

I have 1 DC and DP has 2.

We have been together for a few years but every so often issues creep up with DC and after our latest argument lots of issues seem to have come out from both sides and I'm reaching the point where I think we can't make this work anymore.

I have my DC full time DP has his 3 days a week sometimes more or less depending on work. When the DC are here I do all the cooking, washing and bathing and DC gets them dressed in the morning before bed. We both play with them will both tell them to behave if there not ect..

I am looking after my friends DC to give her a break and to play with mine, DP told me I shouldn't because I should prefer to have his DC here rather then someone who isn't biologically either of ours, my argument is if he isn't here he doesn't have his DC here, I've offered before if I have plans with my DC but it's always been no I'm at work its to much to do pick ups drops off or always some excuse so I stopped offering but I thought it was understood the offer was always there and open, but apparently if I'm not verbally offering constantly then it's not there.

He now thinks that I shouldn't be doing things with my DC or my friends DC because his DC are missing out so its not fair to them even though it's not in my control when they are here and this only spires my DC by keeping her in the house because his DC aren't here and when they are here he doesn't want me to go out because it should be family time so I feel like I can never see my friends.

If I buy my DC something and not his It pisses him off, so if I can only afford one pair of shoes that my DC need I shouldn't buy them because I can't buy 3 but when one of his DC needed shoes he was happy for me to spend my last money so they could have them but not the other two.

I know this seems so petty but there's lots more to it but I don't want to drop the post on.

I don't feel like IABU but he thinks I am and I don't no how to find more of a compromise can anyone help ?

[ShiningArmour]

Fuck that! He's a controlling fuckwit! I second Get Rid.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

Just wondering - what did he say was the reason for his breakup with his ex?

He was just never like this for years and I don't know why he's switched but he has and nothing I've said or can say seems to change that

Well, in my opinion it's either because he wants out and this is his way of forcing you to call it quits - as yet again he doesn't want to be held responsible for anything.

Or - he's always been an abusive,controlling arse and played 'nice' until he thought he had you under his control.....which he did because you've been parenting his dc whenever they are there.

He has always been this kind of person, OP. I bet he didn't take his parenting responsibilities seriously even when he was with his ex.

Do you have separate finances or a joint account?
It sounds to me like he thinks what's yours is his money wise but it isn't reciprocal.

If you'd kept quiet and carried on this way he would have you exactly where he wants you - under his thumb.

You've spoken up and called him out on his bullshit - so he will up the ante to force you back in your box (grumpy/silent treatment etc)

He is NOT a good dad - he can't even be arsed sorting out pick up/drop offs or anything to do with making arrangements re future planning.

Get rid, OP.

[dingodon]

Ask yourself what your daughter will say to you 10 years from now if you stay with this man. What will her memories of her childhood be? Then leave, honestly life is too short and childhood even shorter, give your child the best memories you can.

[expatinscotland]

Some space will do you the world of good. It's so easy to get into habit or routine and then, with a person who is controlling and manipulative, come round to thinking this is acceptable. Space and time will give you the perspective you need to realise this person isn't good for you or you DC, no one who behaves like this is.

I hope you're having a good night and getting your feet up and hopefully getting some rest.

It's all very stressful.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

It's all just so much to get my head around and that's why I've told him I need some space. I will always do what's best for my DC always. I know whatever on here says is right and I will not allow this to continue I'm my own person and so is my DC and all DC have different needs/interests and it's up to us as parents to make sure they all thrive and have the best childhood they can but ultimately my DD needs come first

I've been with him since my DD was 1 she's never had another male/father figure in her life it's all very over whelming

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Op I have lived with something similar to this and I don't think you can win if he can't see your point.

His dc have different lives to yours. It's never going to be exactly the same for them all because they have different living arrangements. They don't cease to exist when they are not with you. They are off living a different part of their lives. So your dc's life doesn't have to be on hold waiting for them.

I think if he really can't see that, no amount of talking will get you anywhere

[Crapuccino]

You know the measure of a person not by how they treat their equals and superiors, but by how they treat children and animals. (Or something. Pretty sure Ghandi said it better than that.)

As is posted so often on here, he's telling you who he is. Listen to him, and believe him.

[AppleOfMyEye10]

He does have great qualities but when it comes to the DC nothing matters.

That the only relevant bit, this is what it comes down to. He can be great, super, fantastic but if he treats your child the way he does then that's the only thing that matters.
He can't be that great though, if he picks on a child.

[ImperialBlether]

I just feel head fucked

Whenever you feel that way it's a huge reminder that you are not living your life the way you want and that someone is gaslighting you.

[ThePinkOcelot]

How long have you been together?

[ImperialBlether]

I could not be doing with him at all. You can't give your child any kind of life for fear of him criticising you for not including his children. And yet he doesn't include your child!

I would much, much rather live separately from him. He sounds completely screwed up and controlling and unfair and frankly, bloody stupid, too.

Give yourself a break and tell him it's over.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

He does have great qualities but when it comes to the DC nothing matters. He was just never like this for years and I don't know why he's switched but he has and nothing I've said or can say seems to change that

[NinonDeLenclos]

He's just obsessed with his DC not missing out and making everything 'fair' he's gone the compete opposite way and is making everything unfair on me and my DC and can't see different

It's not about fairness it's about selfishness. He's not interested in fair, he's interested in the best deal for him and his kids. He doesn't care about you and your kid as much as he does his kids.

He's basically using you to get the optimum conditions for him and his kids, if you weren't there, he'd have to do all the hard graft of feeding, cleaning, supporting himself. He wants you to give his kids things that he can't be arsed to do himself.

[Therealslimshady1]

Good luck OP, I am sorry you are going through this!

he sounds awfully self centred!

[gluteustothemaximus]

OP, your user name says it all.

I have no doubt your DC comes first, that's why you're here, after support on what to do.

Great idea to avoid the talking tonight. You need thinking time, and not another argument, or blackmail from him.

Think about what is good in this relationship? What does he bring to you and dc?

Hope you find a solution

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

No zucker if my actions said different then I'd ignore all this and carry on as normal but I'm not. My head is slightly fucked up realising all this and I come on MN for a bit of support and guidance in how best to handle this not to be judged that my actions don't care about my DC

[Zucker]

You've said a few times you put your Dc first. Your actions are saying the opposite.

[P1nkP0ppy]

He's got it with jam on hasn't he? You're dancing to his tune and he can sit back and do fuck all.
It's never going to work op, he's buggering with your mind and has zero intention of changing.
Chuck him and focus on your DC and what you want.

[expatinscotland]

'He's just obsessed with his DC not missing out and making everything 'fair' he's gone the compete opposite way and is making everything unfair on me and my DC and can't see different'

That's because he's not obsessed with 'fairness', he's obsessed with control, especially when it comes to you and your DC. FUCK that for a game of soldiers! I'd be fucking furious if any man/person ever tried to dictate to me how I spend my own money on my own child! I think NOT. That would have been an instant dump. Thankfully, you've seen the light here, and you are spot on: you are the one who can give you DC a good childhood. This person is trying to prevent that so he needs to go to the kerb so the two of you can have the lives you deserve.

[Crapuccino]

Does he live with you, OP? I.e. has he moved into your house and could he be moved back out? If so, I would extend this to more than just a few days. A fortnight might be much more sufficient for him to really get to grips with taking care of his own kids by himself and appreciating better what he's not been doing up till now.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

He is probably not obsessed with things being "fair" at all (or he'd pull his weight!). Instead, he thinks the idea of "being fair" is a good tool to control things, to get what he wants, it's a stick he can use.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

expat I have cancelled the talk I'm not in the mood for it and it will just turn into an argument a few days apart is needed before any talk. Tonight my plan is bath and bed for DC and a large cold glass of wine for me

He's just obsessed with his DC not missing out and making everything 'fair' he's gone the compete opposite way and is making everything unfair on me and my DC and can't see different

[AmserGwin]

He is seriously out of order, get rid. He probably thinks he's not even doing anything wrong either! Idiot

[RebelRogue]

The cynic in me thinks that he is a controlling twat anyways,and just using his kids as an excuse to control what you spend,when,who you see etc.
It sounds nicer saying " aww but dsc would miss out" than " I don't want you to do x", with the added bonus of making you feel guilty and twist reality.
That's without even considering the fact that you do everything for them anyways while he plays Disney dad.

Just out of curiosity did something that "cemented" your relationship happened around the time he changed? Like moving in together,a proposal, talk of buying a house,baby,marriage,moving in etc?!

[expatinscotland]

'He wants to talk tonight to open out the issues on my side and on his and try to make a plan going forward but I'm sceptical he knows I'm close to walking away and I think he'll make whatever promises he needs to make for us to carry on and try to brush it all under the carpet

I was thinking of writing him a letter'

this is your chance to get away from this. I think once you do, you'll realise how warped this relationship is and yes, your DD needs to come first in your life. He's manipulative and controlling so he'll use this 'talk' to bamboozle you and sweep it all under the carpet, you yourself know this. I wish you were strong enough to cancel the talk and just give him teh letter.