Arguing over DC AIBU to think this could be the end

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I've name changed because DP knows my username, I don't want to drip feed but don't want to out myself either.

I have 1 DC and DP has 2.

We have been together for a few years but every so often issues creep up with DC and after our latest argument lots of issues seem to have come out from both sides and I'm reaching the point where I think we can't make this work anymore.

I have my DC full time DP has his 3 days a week sometimes more or less depending on work. When the DC are here I do all the cooking, washing and bathing and DC gets them dressed in the morning before bed. We both play with them will both tell them to behave if there not ect..

I am looking after my friends DC to give her a break and to play with mine, DP told me I shouldn't because I should prefer to have his DC here rather then someone who isn't biologically either of ours, my argument is if he isn't here he doesn't have his DC here, I've offered before if I have plans with my DC but it's always been no I'm at work its to much to do pick ups drops off or always some excuse so I stopped offering but I thought it was understood the offer was always there and open, but apparently if I'm not verbally offering constantly then it's not there.

He now thinks that I shouldn't be doing things with my DC or my friends DC because his DC are missing out so its not fair to them even though it's not in my control when they are here and this only spires my DC by keeping her in the house because his DC aren't here and when they are here he doesn't want me to go out because it should be family time so I feel like I can never see my friends.

If I buy my DC something and not his It pisses him off, so if I can only afford one pair of shoes that my DC need I shouldn't buy them because I can't buy 3 but when one of his DC needed shoes he was happy for me to spend my last money so they could have them but not the other two.

I know this seems so petty but there's lots more to it but I don't want to drop the post on.

I don't feel like IABU but he thinks I am and I don't no how to find more of a compromise can anyone help ?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU, he's being a selfish dick.

[TiredMumToTwo]

LTB, sorry but "blended" families take a hell of a lot of work & compromise. He also doesn't seem to be appreciating all the graft that you're already putting in for his kids.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It's lovely that all the DC are close and no one's saying it would be easy to end it. However, even though they might not realise it now, down the line your DC will realise quite how much their life is being dictated by the DSC not being there and it's only going to get harder if you don't put your foot down now.

Huffing and grumping, giving you the silent treatment, making life harder for you because you have the temerity to make your own choices for you and your time and your child, is bang out of order. He thinks he's your boss and you have to tow the line or he makes you suffer.

Would you want your child growing up thinking that's acceptable and how relationships work?

You are both worth more than this.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

They do take a lot of work and I don't know how we compromise on these issues?

I feel when the kids are here he wants me to be there mum but I do everything for them without trying to cross any lines but I feel to him there isn't any lines. It falls to me to wash there clothes they come in and make sure the stuff we have here is clean and waiting, it's me that does the shopping and cooking there dinner and getting up stupidly early with them in the morning and tidying up and bathing them I'm not sure what more I can possibly do.

We argue about how he expects all this from me but doesn't put that much effort in with my DC and his excuse is that when his DC are here it's the only time he gets so he needs to give them his attention and seems to slightly push my DC out but this has only been over the last few weeks

[NinonDeLenclos]

when the DC are here I do all the cooking, washing and bathing and DC gets them dressed in the morning before bed.

I feel when the kids are here he wants me to be there mum but I do everything for them without trying to cross any lines but I feel to him there isn't any lines. It falls to me to wash there clothes they come in and make sure the stuff we have here is clean and waiting, it's me that does the shopping and cooking there dinner and getting up stupidly early with them in the morning and tidying up and bathing them I'm not sure what more I can possibly do.

Why are you doing this OP? Can you not see he's taking you for a very long ride? He has a free housekeeper/slave. What's in this for you?

Please get rid of his awful man and enjoy your life with your own child.

[ohfourfoxache]

Run fast and run far. He is the absolute epitome of a cuntbadger

[BitOutOfPractice]

So he wants his cake and eat it. You make all the compromise and do the hard work, he gets all the glory. Fuck that!

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

It wasn't like this before though over the last few months it's slowly slowly declined

Before we'd spilt getting up early with the DC but now it falls the to me. I do the washing at home so it's assumed I'll make sure here washed and dried he doesn't even think about it

If I don't cook he just shoves an oven dinner in or buys take out when we can't afford it

If I raise issues then to him it's like a personal attack on his DC because I do all this stuff for mine do I not love or care for his DC because I don't want to do it for them or do I not treat them the same

[Goingtobeawesome]

I'm sure you think you are putting your dc first but if you allow this man to carry on controlling you and your DD then you aren't.

[WateryTart]

He's a bastard, OP. Tell him so. If he isn't happy then tell him to look after his own DCs in future and you will look after yours.

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I'm not going to allow it to carry on. My DC does come first and always will. I just can't see the woods from the trees and need to sort this out in my own head of where I'm right and wrong before I just walk which will affect my DC too

It was a good relationship can we get back to it or is it to far gone I don't no

[NinonDeLenclos]

I do the washing at home so it's assumed I'll make sure here washed and dried he doesn't even think about it

Why is it assumed you would be his skivvy? And why do you assume it too?

Don't 'raise issues' with him just leave. He's an entitled, exploitative arsehole. Your daughter deserves so much better than to be around a man like this and to see you treated the way you are.

[Crapuccino]

OP, you really only have three choices, as far as I see it:

1. Put up and shut up
   
2. Make him to step up to the plate
   
3. If you don't like/can't do either of the former two, get rid
   
   If you want advice for how to achieve either (2) or (3) I'm pretty sure people will have an awful lot to share with you but you're going to have to be clear about which one you want.

[NinonDeLenclos]

I just can't see the woods from the trees and need to sort this out in my own head of where I'm right and wrong

It's very simple: he is very very very wrong. There is nothing complicated in this situation.

The only reason you are even confused is because a) he has messed with your head and manipulated you for so long & b) because you seem to see yourself as a slave.

[NinonDeLenclos]

He can't be made to step up. He's never going to change.

[museumum]

He is wrong, very wrong.

When there are three children in the home they should be treated equally (not identically, equally).

When there are two adults in the home regardless of how many children belonging to whom, the two adults should contribute to the running of the house.

When one child is away with another parent the lives of the two remaining children do not get put on hold.

there's some house rules for a start...

[MusicToMyEars800]

I've read all the thread, and tbh OP, I think you need to walk away now... it sounds like he is a self centred knob who you need to leave, it can't be good for your DD?! I think it will only get worse if you stay.

[Isthisusernamefree]

Invite them all into your bed first thing in the morning, that'll get him up sharpish!! My oh does this to me and it drives me potty at 7am, but once the baby is here I will be up anyway, he needs to be up with his children, not just you.

Make a list of the things that he should be doing to spend quality time with the children. I will bath the kids if OH is ill or had been on nights, but he does it usually because he likes to spend that time with them, he does bed time and reads them a story and he has breakfast with them. It is ridiculous that he will strop and grump and he guilty when the children aren't there, but not utilise his time with them when they are there! Lazy sod.

You say this has all got worse in the last month, not excusing his poor behaviour and arseholishness, but has anything unusual happened? Could he be depressed? Would it help for him to see his GP?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

So he gets to put his DCs first and push yours out, and ypu are expected to neglect yours in favour of his. What a twat. Get rid. How dare he have such double standards and expect you to parent his DCs by doing all the crappy work while he gets to be disney dad.

Your DC will grow up feeling resentful because of the obvious differences.

My dad had a partner who already had a child, my dad already had 3 then they had 1 together. It was a bloody nightmare. We all went on holiday once and his partner was kicking off all the time about how my dad didn't treat her DS equally to hers but she wasn't expected to do the same. Problem was her DS was a nightmare, such a badly behaved child caused by her crappy parenting and my dads 3 children were really well behaved so didn't need telling off but she wasn't happy with that, if hers was being told off, my dads had to be told off . There was often an atmosphere at their house. So many arguments over the same thing. I was relieved when they finally split up.

[Evilstepmum01]

He sounds like a proper prick.

I'm a stepmum and we have our own DC also. In the beginning, DH felt awful that when we went out with our DC, his daughter missed out.
But he realised that we can only do what we can in the time we have her and we cannot wait til we have her to live our lives.

You sound like a great mum and stepmum but I would step away from this man, he has too much guilt and you need to put your DC first.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

He is being a dick.

When his children is at their mother's house they may be seeing friends, she may be buying them things (which she isn't (obviously) buying your DC) so why is it not right for you to see friends, have DC's friends over and buy your DC stuff. This is what is happening in his kids' lives just not at his home.

Does he not realise this?

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

I do think he is depressed but that's not an excuse to behave the way he is

I adore all of the kids and don't want them to not be in my life but I can't do anything at the cost to my DD

He wants to talk tonight to open out the issues on my side and on his and try to make a plan going forward but I'm sceptical he knows I'm close to walking away and I think he'll make whatever promises he needs to make for us to carry on and try to brush it all under the carpet

I was thinking of writing him a letter

[FedUpTiredWornOut]

allthebest he says he does realise this but in practice he doesn't. I THINK his logic is that because between us we have 3 we should treat all 3 equally and when his DC aren't here I'm obviously doing other things with my DC which I'm not with his because they aren't here which isn't my fault but he just can't get his head round it

I explain my DC only has me to give her a childhood and anything I don't do or get her she just doesn't have or have them experiences but it all goes back to I should only do it when his DC are to experience too

[WankingMonkey]

This is ridiculous but I expect its a common problem in blended families. Me and Dh often argue about DSD/ours. But he would not even attempt to tell me that if one of ours needed shoes I had to buy for all. We try to treat them equally as much as possible but at the end of the day, they get stuff at their mothers also so basically, if they were all spent on and stuff the same here, his would be getting more as they get stuff at home too?

We argued once, about taking DC out to the beach on a day off school. DH thought it was unfair as we should save money for his coming over and go to the park or something. as it turned out, when DSC came over their mother had taken them to lightwater valley the same day we were planning on going to the beach.

We treat them equally when they are here. But the rest of the time, it makes no sense to. I mean if there was a large purchase such as a new console or something (not for a while as ours are only 2 and 4) then we would buy the others something too. But general day to day things?! Fuck that.

[NinonDeLenclos]

Selfish, entitled, exploitative manipulative men are not specfic to blended families. That is the real problem here.