Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

To wish my boss wouldn't get his handoff my shoulder!

90 replies

user1490990350 · 01/04/2017 12:17

I know I'm making a fuss over nothing. But my boss always put his hand on my shoulder when talking to me. He's a very strong character/confident.

I think he's been on some training course that's taught him it is an approachable and friendly thing to do to make people feel comfortable but it has the opposite effect and makes me feel like a child.

He stands there with his hand on my shoulder when giving me instructions (which he has to do regularly as part of my job). Sometimes he pats my shoulder afterwards!

I know I'm being unreasonable and I should (and do) have bigger things to worry about but it's a little unnerving.

Would I be unreasonable to just tell him in a jokey way not to touch my shoulder!

Everyone else I work with is male and he doesn't do it with them but I've seen him do this with a young woman that was visiting for the day. So it's not just me.

OP posts:

Report

DevelopingDetritus · 02/04/2017 00:58

Let us know how you get on OP. I'm sure it'll freak him out.

Report

Graphista · 02/04/2017 02:21

And he - let's say this again - doesn't do this to the men. That's because they're real persons who are allowed to have bodily autonomy, unlike girlies.

If you were interested you could look at some body language studies. He is in his subconscious literally 'pushing you down'. So not necessarily sexual (I had a straight female boss who did the same not to me but I noted she did it with those colleagues it was clear she didn't like).

Report

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 02/04/2017 04:37

Just say 'Could you not touch my shoulder'.

Report

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 02/04/2017 04:48

Try putting your hand on his shoulder when he does it to you and see how he reacts. You'll both look silly standing there holding each other's shoulders but it might make him withdraw quickly.

Report

FixItUpChappie · 02/04/2017 04:54

Why don't you just be breezy and say "your a great boss but to be honest, I don't like that and only just found the nerve to tell you" - I'm willing to bet he'll be embarrassed and will stop.

Report

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 02/04/2017 05:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whothefuckhas5children · 02/04/2017 05:04

FixIt has it!

Report

springflowers11 · 02/04/2017 05:17

You have to get the message across in a way that allows him to save face! I honestly wonder if some of the posters in here have ever had a career.I would subtlety step back or twist away when he does it.

Report

LovelyHandcream · 02/04/2017 05:22

OP this is horrible whatever his motivation.

You don't have to deal directly with this by speaking to him about it if you would prefer not to (assuming you have an HR person/dept).

Whether or not you also speak directly to him about it: you can go privately to see HR; say it's happened with you routinely as staff, and you've also seen it happen with work visitors (!). You have no need to feel apologetic about your personal space being your own and that it's inappropriate and unprofessional. You can also specify that you don't want to be linked as a complainant to him, if you prefer. After all, he's doing this in front of everyone so anyone could have brought it up.

HR will be having a word to stop his bullshit, quicker than you can say 'desperate to avoid a lawsuit'.

Report

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 02/04/2017 06:02

The trouble I have with what @jeaux90 suggests is the bit about 'if that's ok'. We don't have to be so faux polite (as women) to people invading our personal space.

Report

MooseyMouse · 02/04/2017 06:22

"Why do you always pat me when you talk to me? I feel like a puppy!"

Or can you position yourself so it's not possible? It's really hard to challenge directly even though it shouldn't be.

Report

Gabilan · 02/04/2017 09:42

We don't have to be so faux polite (as women) to people invading our personal space

Yes, this really. It's not about kowtowing so the big boss doesn't sack us and we can have a career without upsetting people. You can have a career whilst asserting your need for personal space. Remove his hand, remove your shoulder, tell him you don't like it. Whatever. Just don't think you have to lie and hedge around it.

Report

ButtonMooooon · 02/04/2017 09:47

Maybe he doesn't do it to the men because they all said get the hell off me at their interviews.

Report

jeaux90 · 02/04/2017 09:52

Intergalactic actually saying "if that's ok" is supposed to be rhetorical, and if he then states otherwise he will sound completely unreasonable.

Report

Jux · 02/04/2017 14:43

I think Fixit's solution is the best, in reality. I love the idea of putting your hand on his shoulder though ... that would be so fun but in another life, probably.