To wish my boss wouldn't get his handoff my shoulder!

[user1490990350]

I know I'm making a fuss over nothing. But my boss always put his hand on my shoulder when talking to me. He's a very strong character/confident.


I think he's been on some training course that's taught him it is an approachable and friendly thing to do to make people feel comfortable but it has the opposite effect and makes me feel like a child.

He stands there with his hand on my shoulder when giving me instructions (which he has to do regularly as part of my job). Sometimes he pats my shoulder afterwards!

I know I'm being unreasonable and I should (and do) have bigger things to worry about but it's a little unnerving.

Would I be unreasonable to just tell him in a jokey way not to touch my shoulder!

Everyone else I work with is male and he doesn't do it with them but I've seen him do this with a young woman that was visiting for the day. So it's not just me.

[Bananamanfan]

I had a boss how used to walk up behind me when i was sitting at my desk & slam both hands on my shoulders. I hated it! Never said anything, but i wish i had.

[tb]

I worked with someone who used to put his hand on my forearm, and press down.

Eventually, one day as he did it, I asked him to stop touching me unless he had written permission from both my parents. He leaped back about 3ft and never did it again.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

He doesn't do this with the men. If it was so darned appropriate that he'd learned it on a course, he'd be doing this with the men.

He doesn't have to mean something oefvy for it to be inappropriate. All it has to do is make you feel uncomfortable, which it does. You could have an injured shoulder, a skin condition that's painful to touch, rape/harassment triggering issues, any of a myriad of reasons he hasn't considered before he puts his big meathook on your shoulder.

And he - let's say this again - doesn't do this to the men. That's because they're real persons who are allowed to have bodily autonomy, unlike girlies.

See how you get on with telling him No. But I'm going to guess this won't be the only thing he does to treat women and men differently in the workplace.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Pervy not oefvy. Eggs are nothing to do with it. #badphone

[GinSwigmore]

Your boss is Chris Tarrant and I claim my £5

[SilverBirchWithout]

It is an open signal of his perception of the power imbalance between you. It denotes control and a form of ownership. It is not likely to be sexual in anyway, but it is about gender.

It rightly makes you feel uncomfortable because it feels patronising and inappropriate.
Try a slightly barbed joke about sweaty hand stains on your shoulder or a long glance at his hand. If this doesn't work you need to say 'I don't wish to be awkward, but I find your hand on my shoulder off-putting when you are showing me how to do x'

[user1490990350]

Yes I certainly take it to be patronising and about asserting authority. I've tried to give the benefit of the doubt but it does come across dominating.

Putting me in my place sounds about right.

I don't think it's remotely sexual. I've had men fancy me in the workplace and they playfully touched me/teased me. There's none of that.

He's done this since the day I met him when he interviewed me. As I got up he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I wanted to meet the team. He kept it there while introducing me to everyone. So he's always done this.

[Lochan]

You don't need to ask anyone else if it's inappropriate or if your feelings are unreasonable.

No one is allowed to touch you if you don't like it. No one. Ever.

It is irrelevant if his intentions are pure or not.

You don't like it, end of story.

Next time he does it say "please take your hand off my shoulder I don't like it".

If he apologises/says he meant nothing by it you can say "that's fine but please don't do it again".

You can smile when you say it if you feel it will help but it's not necessary really.

I used to have a boss that would tug your ponytail on the way past. He'd apparently been doing it for years with all the long haired women silently seething. He tried it on me in my first week as a graduate trainee and after my (polite but firm) response never did it to anyone ever again.

The thought of all those women putting up with it for all that time because they didn't think they had the right to say "don't touch me" still makes me so angry and sad.

You always have the right to say "don't touch".

[Olympiathequeen]

It's definitely something he's learned on a course somewhere. Friendly/boss thing.

Maybe if you wore a spaghetti strap dress and he actually had to touch flesh he may see it as inappropriate.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It makes you appear like his work harem. Without the sexual benefits.

Definitely a power play.

[ThePiglet59]

Well as a man who manages several women, I find the idea of touching any of them weird.
They are colleagues, not close friends.

[user1490990350]

He's lovely to me apart from that! Very professional and always approachable. He's always willing to help and support me with tasks.

That's what makes this difficult.

[user1490990350]

Office based role. It's a professional job.

[Emphasise]

Surely wearing spaghetti strap dresses to work is really inappropriate too?

[user1490990350]

Yeah we'd probably not be encouraged to wear spaghetti straps unless it was summer.

[HotelEuphoria]

I had a colleague who used to do this to me, I didn't like it either, one day I kind of lost it a bit and snapped "don't do that" and he never spoke to me again. LOL. Shame really because we were fairly good friends and he taught me a lot.

Not really relevant but I found out later he went on sex tourist holidays to Thailand.

[Olympiathequeen]

Tongue in cheek re spaghetti dress! I think you just need to speak to him and say you don't feel comfortable with it.

[kali110]

I wouldn't think it was sexual either, or that he owns you.
If you don't like it, you tell him.
Be polite and friendly about it, but just say you don't like it.
I've had men and women do it ( in the same company!) so i don't think it's simply a male thing!

[DevelopingDetritus]

Paws off.

[Racmactac]

Just move his hand. He will get the message or just bloody tell him.

He's doing something that makes you uncomfortable so stop allowing it to happen.

[supersop60]

If you don't like it - that is all you need to know.
"Please don't do that, I don't like it"

[stoopido]

I like the idea of a spiked shoulder pad and placing your own hand on his shoulder.

I am blunt so I would just ask him outright why he likes putting this hand on my shoulder?! I would have probably already lifted his hand off by now anyway.

[SkippiDiDoDah]

What jeaux90 said is perfect as a starting point.

"it makes me feel really uncomfortable when you put your hand on my shoulder, I know you don't mean anything by it but I just focus on that rather than what you are trying to say so I'd rather you didn't if that's ok"

If he forgets a couple of times (he may if a habit) then "Please do not do that" with a move away. Then "Do not do that" the next time. This should get the message through. If it doesn't you may have to tackle him again more formally.

[chastenedButStillSmiling]

Or pat the top of his head (if you can reach)