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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the mother if my other son can attend the party as well?

99 replies

ImmuneToWhatever · 26/02/2017 13:28

Two boys 11 and 6, both equally obsessed with Pokemon cards. The youngest hangs out with the eldest at school with his friends to trade cards. It's nice because the age difference isn't apparent in cards of that sort.
Eldest has been invited to a 'Pokemon party'. Sounds ace. The youngest will be gutted he can't go.

I'm slightly tempted to offer her some money for the hassle and would she mind if the youngest joined too?

Or should I just tell him to suck it up and get over it as I usually do with them when one has a party and the other doesn't. After all, it's a common occurrence. It just so happens that this party happens to be about the latest obsession that includes friends that my youngest has grown close to.

OP posts:

pinkish · 26/02/2017 14:12

It is judgemental, true. But the idea that you see somebody else's party purely in terms of your own kids' wishes is incredibly self-centred. What 11-year-old wants someone's kid brother coming to his birthday? And what mum wants an extra, much younger sibling at the event? I'm amazed anyone would think this is reasonable tbh.

WankersHacksandThieves · 26/02/2017 14:13

Take responsibility for his brother! That's absolutely hilarious, thanks for the giggle. gringringrin

So, therefore you were expecting a parent busy running a party for 11 year olds to take responsibility for a 6 year old for the price of his food or were you planning to gatecrash too?

NotYoda · 26/02/2017 14:13

Sorry, I think I misunderstood. I thought, at first, that you were sending the 11 year old to parties to be with his brother. I realise now that you meant you were staying too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2017 14:20

Your 11 yr old should be encouraged to do activities with his peers sometimes. It sounds as though this is a lot to do about what you want and what is easier for you. Glad you've taken the comments on board.

littlefrog3 · 26/02/2017 14:21

It wouldn't hurt to ask, but I would text her, so you don't put her on the spot, and she has time to think of a rejection excuse if she doesn't want your other child there. It may well be that she says no, because she wants the party for older lads, and it's nothing personal... And if you DO text her, it gives her a chance to think of a reason to say no. I think she will be very resentful if you put her on the spot.

I have 2 tales regarding this. One, a woman asked me if her daughter 'lucy' could come to my daughter's birthday party (some years ago when they were seven or eight -ish,) because her bff 'lana' was invited. My daughter had not invited lucy, and her mother said she must have forgotten to invite her.

So as I was put on the spot, I said (stupidly,) 'umm ok I guess she can come.' I went home and told my daughter, and she went mad. She said lucy is a nasty bossy little moo, and she can't stand her! And she said I must tell her mother she can't come! She was really upset. Her sister agreed and said I should have said no!

I had to tell the woman - the next day - that lucy couldn't come, as I had mentioned it to my daughter, and she had said lucy isn't in her friendship group. She said 'well she MUST be because Lana is, and she is Lucy's bff.' It caused such a huge stink. It rumbled on for weeks and weeks, and the mother gave me filthy looks for weeks, and got her mates to so the same!

Horrible!

So as I said, text the woman, don't ask her face to face. Give her a chance to think of a way to say no if she so wishes.

The other tale (a shorter one!) is a few times when my daughters had parties, we would also invite an older or younger sibling of one of the kids invited (up to about 5 years difference.) So the age difference is irrelevant imo. (Unless the main age is 5 and the younger one is 3 months old lol.) But if it's mostly 7-8 and a 12 y.o. wants to come, or mostly 11-ish and a 7 y.o. wants to come, then why not?

But yeah, do TEXT the woman and ask, don't ask her face to face. And don't take it personally - or be sniffy with her - if she says no.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 14:24

I doubt she would say no, she will probably feel obligated.

Or we might see another AIBU from the other side!!

I think it's good for the older sibling to not have his younger brother tagging along all the time. And to be honest younger son needs to learn that not everything will involve him and while he enjoys Pokemon it doesn't automatically mean he can go to everything Pokemon related.

Also I don't think it's fair for OP to go to the party to watch her younger son - she will most likely be the only parent there apart from the hosts. Not really fair on older son.

Plus older son isn't far off being a teenager and almost certainly will not want his 8 year old brother tagging along to everything.

I'd just organise a Pokemon party for DS6 next birthday.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 26/02/2017 14:26

No, no way

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/02/2017 14:30

Yes. YWBVU to put the mum on the spot like that, because like most people She'll feel obligated to say yes, and Then the flood gates are opened. Well can my brother, sister, monkey's uncle come as well. , and where does she draw the line. Plus she'll probably think you're a loon.
Its great that they get on together but its not healthy if they haven't got a separate circle of friends.

Ameliablue · 26/02/2017 14:32

It would be unreasonable.

SoulAccount · 26/02/2017 14:33

Glad you have accepted that it isn't the right thing to do, OP.

I would be not at all happy if a parent asked to send an uninvited 6 yo sibling to an 11 yo's party. And I would say 'no'. But many people would find that very awkward, and feel pressured and pretend it was 'fine'. Some things are reasonable to ask, this isn't.

Jenniferb21 · 26/02/2017 14:45

I can see why you thought this but I think it would be viewed as very rude even though I know you wouldn't intend to be. I really wouldn't do this x

multivac · 26/02/2017 14:47

I wouldn't do this when, as happens reasonably often, one of my 12-year-old twins is invited to a party and his brother isn't; the idea of trying to force an invite for a six-year-old to an eleven-year-old's party, simply because the theme will appeal, is mindbogglingly inappropriate.

titchy · 26/02/2017 14:52

I understand why you have to stay at parties if your youngest has particular needs but not sure why your 11 year is tagging along too ? He's old enough to be left at home for a couple of hours surely?

Original poster

ImmuneToWhatever · 26/02/2017 14:54

titchy fwiw I changed the details and ages of the kids slightly for slight anonymity.

He couldn't be left at home alone.

OP posts:

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 26/02/2017 14:54

At least you now have a good idea for a theme for your 6yo next party op. My dc have a big age gap too it's just part of life that they can't do everything together.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 26/02/2017 14:56

Um, OP, did you say that your 11yo DS goes to parties your 6yo DS is invited to, because DC2 has a health condition and can't be left without you?

In that case, YAB even more U - presumably you were therefore planning to invite yourself as well as DC2 to DC1's friend's 11the birthday party?! Glad you thought better of it, but slightly you considered it in the first place!

TheOnlyColditz · 26/02/2017 14:59

Noooo. I would be very cross if someone asked me to look after their younger child when I have only invited the older one.

PeachyImpeachment · 26/02/2017 15:13

Oh my goodness. Please don't. I'm blushing for you. Buy him a pack of cards and have a pokemon family evening or something.

iLoveCamelCase · 26/02/2017 15:20

YABU. It's not remotely about whether your eldest would love to have him there or whether your youngest will be gutted... very self-centred viewpoints. Glad you aren't going to ask as really would be the height of cheek...

RubyWinterstorm · 26/02/2017 15:31

Please don't ask the mum

ApplePaltrow21 · 26/02/2017 15:49

You seem kind of like a selfish parent. You make your 11 year old son tag along to the parties of your 6 year old? This is all very weird. The boundaries on your home seem very off.

Summerblaze100 · 26/02/2017 16:08

Putting different ages could have made a difference to the answers.

Stripyhoglets · 26/02/2017 16:10

No don't ask - your 6 year old has to accept he can't do what his brother does sometimes.

WankersHacksandThieves · 26/02/2017 17:11

Putting different ages could have made a difference to the answers.

Not in my case, I have 2 boys a year apart and I wouldn't see it as appropriate and a PP has twins and doesn't think it's appropriate either.

I'm guessing eldest must be 10 not 11 since OP says he's not old enough to stay at home while youngest is at a party. In that scenario, I think i'd either try to get him to be over at a friends or leave him in a corner with a book/ipad or similar and not be engaging in the party at all.

Guitargirl · 26/02/2017 17:21

Glad you've taken on board all the comments OP. And I agree with pp who suggest asking your eldest all about it and then, if it's age appropriate, arrange something similar for when it's your youngest's birthday.

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