AIBU for what I do for DP

[harrypotternerd]

I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about relationships and how relationships have changed over the years. I made a comment that I make my DP a coffee when he gets home from work and cook most nights. My friend said 'well good way to set feminism back 50 years'.

Backstory: I am a sahm and my DP is an electrician so does manual labour. I do the housework, cook most nights and do the majority of childcare. I do not have a problem with this at all. My DP will call me when he finishes work as it varies each day depending on what he is doing, he will also tell me approx. how long it will take him to get home because he works all over the place. I generally have just finished making him a coffee or will make him one when he gets home, I also have normally started cooking. My friend thinks I am 'too 50s housewife' and I do not have to wait on him hand and foot. I don't feel like I do this, on days he does not work he will cook, make me coffee, look after kids so I have a break etc so really I guess me question is does anyone else do this or is it just me?

[Scotinoz]

I'm a SAHM, and do all that stuff. Childcare, laundry, cooking, housework, make husband's lunch for work etc etc. He goes out and does the paid job, and I do the stuff at home.

Maybe it is an old fashioned split but who cares? Everyone's happy.

[OurBlanche]

Sundial I have recently been face-found by a childhood friend. Guess what classes she runs? And no... I can't bring myself to reply in any meaningful manner

[RainbowChasing]

Oh ignore her. She sounds annoying and judgemental. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking dinner for your dh or making him a coffee. I work two days a week and am at home the rest of the week so I do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning and he does other jobs around the house. We're happy with this arrangement and it works well. Once my dd is old enough then I will return to working full time but for now I'm happy to be a SAHM most of the week and do the jobs that need doing around the house. Like other posters have said, it's about choice. If you're being forced into being a SAHM because your husband is trying to repress you in some way then yes, it is an issue. But if it's something you both want then why should it be a problem to anyone else.

[LostQueen]

I've just been teaching Feminism to my students at school and this area of "roles" came up. I've obviously taught them that Feminism in this respect is about a womans right to choose as opposed to being pigeon holed into a role. I think the reason that people don't understand this is because the line sometimes becomes blurred between Liberal Feminism and Radical Feminism. Stops being about the actual theory of feminism and becomes about a particular culture of feminism- two very different things.

Aside from that, nobody has the right to judge what ow do that works for your family. I would do the same if my DP and I didn't both work. Even though we both work, I do all of the cooking because I enjoy it and he can't cook for shit!

[BertrandRussell]

I do hope you have also taught them that just because a woman makes a choice it is not automatically a feminist choice?

[BertrandRussell]

"Stops being about the actual theory of feminism and becomes about a particular culture of feminism- two very different things"
I don't think I understand that-could you say more?

[Sparklyuggs]

I reckon your friend is jealous OP. You sound thoughtful and happy with the split of labour in the home so what's the problem?

I may be biased as I'm currently a mature student and start my mat leave at the end of my course in June, but I do most of the domestic stuff. DH has a high stress, long hours job and I like to contribute to our home in other ways rather than money.

[RasperryInAMelon]

Sounds fair to me.

My DH works from home 9-5 Monday-Friday

I work in the City 9-5.30 Monday-Friday and spend c.4 hours a day commuting. He does pretty much everything, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. We split stuff on the weekends aswell

[formerbabe]

I do think however that women who work full time and still do all housework are absolute mugs. I think the men who do fuck all in the house while their wife works full time are arseholes.

When I do start working again, no fucking way will I do the same amount I do now as a sahm.

[Whathaveilost]

I think sometimes on MN (not on this thread so far) is that having a partner is like sleeping with rge enermy and every little thing you do for them is shot down with comments such as 'your not their mother!'

Dh brings me a cup if coffee in bed every single morning while he is getting ready. I cook tea most nights because im home before him and i dont mind doing it. I iron his uniform, he cleans the bathroom and toilet.
Words to describe our situation could be partnership, team work, happy relationship, being kind etc.

[formerbabe]

Yes, I agree. I've seen posters on here make comments like "why are you doing his washing?" In real life, I can't imagine anyone putting on a load of washing and separating the laundry by whose it is...What kind of bizarre, petty behaviour that would be?!

[SheSaidNoFuckThat]

I do everything, DH works away. I have to do it when he's not here so I do it all when he is - although not always very well! Could do with a housework 101 guide sometimes!

We are happy with our arrangement, if you are it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[notinagreatplace]

I can't imagine anyone putting on a load of washing and separating the laundry by whose it is...What kind of bizarre, petty behaviour that would be?!

I don't think anyone does this. What people do do - and I don't understand why people on here find it so incomprehensible - is.. wait for it.. have their own laundry baskets. This means that you don't have to sort your clothing from your DH's every time you put stuff away.

(And, no, to answer the inevitable followup question - this does not result in doing lots of half loads. You do what a single person would do and wait until there is a full load. Assuming that you own more than a week's worth of clothing and don't do the crazy level of colour sorting that mumsnetters seem to have time to do, this is not hard.)

[AngryYeti]

I do exactly the same, I do not work due to ill health. Children are all grown up. I try to keep on top of the housework and make a decent meal every evening and have a cup of coffee waiting for him when he comes home. DH has a stressful job and I think he should relax when he comes in. He has supported me for years and it was his idea for me to give up work as I was really struggling being ill and trying to work full time. The least I can do is try to make some effort with the house but if I am feeling really bad, he tells me not to stress and have a rest. He does all the jobs related to cars, changing bulbs, small bits of DIY, etc. We have a joint account which I have access to and I sort all the finances and bills out as I am more efficient than him at it! I could spend what I want, i dont have to ask him for anything. Works for us, I dont give a fig if feminists dont like it

[PeachBellini123]

As long as you are both happy then sod anyone else.

I'm a feminist but my DH does everything associated with DIY. But he also does the cooking. I do most of the cleaning and sorting out DS but I know more about cars so when we bought a new car I was the one who chose it and check the oil etc.

I think our workload at home is pretty balanced and it works for us.

[AngryYeti]

and shock horror, I do all his washing, ironing and put his clothes away for him !

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Not but then I would wait forever for a full load to wash my white and skin toned underwear, my black jeans and my knitwear.

[MusicToMyEars800]

I do pretty much all the cooking and all the cleaning and most of the childcare and I am completely fine with that, I have a job that I do in the evenings which takes me 2 hrs my OH works full time and is also progressing to further his career for our benefit, not to mention I am very set in my ways of how the cleaning etc is done and if he washes up I end up doing it all again he does the things like changing the lightbulbs ( I am a smurf and can't reach ) and other bits and bobs, also I get nice massages and treated to flowers chocolates and wine I couldn't be happier with our set up... so don't understand people with that attitude.

[NataliaOsipova]

I do hope you have also taught them that just because a woman makes a choice it is not automatically a feminist choice?

I do think you're right about this, Bertrand. And I say this as someone who doesn't define myself as a feminist but would absolutely argue I've made my own choices (if that makes sense!).

[Scottishchick39]

My DH leaves for work at 5 and doesn't get home until 7, I work 9-5 for 4 days a week. I do all the cooking (I'm home first anyway), cleaning and washing etc. Basically 'housewife' chores. He does the gardening and all the DIY which in our house is a lot (his whole weekend is taken up with one or the other). I'm happy with the division in labour as we can both put our feet up at night at the same time.

When he worked off-shore and was home for 2 weeks he did housework, and also if I'm working on a Saturday then he tidies up.

I don't see it as me being a house wife or running after him, I just prefer to do the jobs I'm doing to digging up weeds, fitting new windows or putting up shelves.

[Gooseygoosey12345]

Erm, it's your friend who's setting feminism back as far as I'm concerned. Feminism for me is about the right to CHOOSE. Your arrangement works well for you, it's nice that you're both happy with it because sometimes people struggle to make it work with who's working, who's at home, whether you should both work etc. as we've seen so many times on here. Sounds like you and your dp actually care about each other which is lovely :) you do you and your friend needs to worry about her own bloody life

[BertrandRussell]

As I think I've said before some people must hav a hell of a lot of shelves in their houses!

[ithakabythesea]

Lovely though it all sounds, there is a feminist issue in that if you were to split up, you could find yourself financially fucked. The coffee and cooking is appreciated by your DP while he loves and wants you. If he goes off you, then all the cooking and coffee making you have done over the years will be worth fuck all financially. Unfair but true. If you don't want to take a job outside the home, you should insist on marriage for your own protection.

[formerbabe]

As I think I've said before some people must hav a hell of a lot of shelves in their houses!

Exactly. Washing clothes and cooking meals is a far more frequent task than putting up shelves or building flat pack furniture.

[Chinnygirl]

If you're a sahp then yes, I feel that you should cook andclean on days that he is working unless you have a newborn baby. That is part of your job instead of working for money.