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AIBU?

AIBU for what I do for DP

80 replies

harrypotternerd · 21/02/2017 14:08

I was talking to a friend today and we were talking about relationships and how relationships have changed over the years. I made a comment that I make my DP a coffee when he gets home from work and cook most nights. My friend said 'well good way to set feminism back 50 years'.

Backstory: I am a sahm and my DP is an electrician so does manual labour. I do the housework, cook most nights and do the majority of childcare. I do not have a problem with this at all. My DP will call me when he finishes work as it varies each day depending on what he is doing, he will also tell me approx. how long it will take him to get home because he works all over the place. I generally have just finished making him a coffee or will make him one when he gets home, I also have normally started cooking. My friend thinks I am 'too 50s housewife' and I do not have to wait on him hand and foot. I don't feel like I do this, on days he does not work he will cook, make me coffee, look after kids so I have a break etc so really I guess me question is does anyone else do this or is it just me?

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Dancergirl · 21/02/2017 14:50

You sound lovely OP It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, ignore your 'friend'.

Purplebluebird · 21/02/2017 14:52

It is fine.
I do all the housework and all the cooking here, but thankfully my other half does his share in childcare when he's not at work. I just feel this is the way it can be when I'm at home, but when I work, it will be split more evenly. I don't make him a cup of tea when he gets in though, but I might make him one later if I'm having one too!

CryingShame · 21/02/2017 14:52

The real 1950s housewife I knew used to make her husband a cup of tea and, if he felt there wasn't sufficient sugar in it, take it back to the kitchen and stir another spoon into the drink for him, because he couldn't possibly stir his own tea.

Making a drink for someone coming home from work is a common courtesy, I make one for DH when he comes home later than me and he makes one for me when I'm last home. Having one person doing manual work and another at home with a young family is what works for your family. It doesn't mean you've walked off the set of Mad Men. Tell her to wind her neck in.

TickleMcTickleFace · 21/02/2017 14:55

I do the same as you but my DH makes me a brew when he finishes work I'm normally knee deep in witching hour madness with a 2 and 5 year old so it's probably the easiest option.
Our set up works for us and I don't really thinn about other people's set ups so long as they're happy it doesn't concern me.
I don't think I'm putting feminism back, your friend sounds like she's all for women's choice so long as they choose the same path as her.
@Gowgirl I dream about being a SAHM once my youngest is at school, I'll be living the high life of hot drinks and silence

Dagnabit · 21/02/2017 14:57

Your friend is a bit silly.

My dh works full time, I work p/t 2.5 days a week - various shifts inc one Saturday in four. Dh will pick the kids from after school or MILs on most Monday and Tuesdays, I drop them off every day and pick them up the days that I'm not working. Dh will cook on the days I work and usually washes up too. He does a fair bit of the reading/spellings/homework and also takes his share of the ferrying the kids round to their out of school activities. I do pretty much all the housework and laundry on my days off - in fact, dh has never used our washing machine and we've had it for 8 years! Nothing to do with me being a walk over or 1950s throwback...the division of labour works for us and is proportionate to the hours we work in our paid jobs. Dh does the majority of diy and decorating and does the oil check and tyre pressure on both the cars because I bloody hate it! We both ignore the garden

Dagnabit · 21/02/2017 14:59

Oh, and dh makes the first cuppa every morning unless he's very ill. It takes me a while to function in the morning!!

SanitysSake · 21/02/2017 14:59

If that was not proffered as a poor joke, your mate sounds bitter.

She should also keep her comments to herself.

If you're happy and your partner is happy - what business is it of hers anyway?

Besides which, there is nothing wrong with showing a little care and compassion by making a simple cup of coffee to someone who has been out at work all day. Likewise, there's nothing wrong for him to take some of the domestic stuff at the weekends when you have stuff to do.

Sounds like she's guffing off hot air. Ignore her.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 21/02/2017 15:01

Coffee??? DH has a sherry poured for me when I get back from the horse in the evening. And a brew waiting for me when I get back from horse duties and dog walking in a morning.

I never make him coffee as I don't drink the stuff and cannot make a decent cup if I tried.

I do all the cooking, he does the majority of the clearing up afterwards, all the gardening and anything to do with cars. We have a perfect division of labour that suits us.

honeyroar · 21/02/2017 15:02

On the days that I'm home and he's working, I do exactly that for my husband. On the days that I'm away for work he does absolutely everything for me. If I were a sahm I would do that for him everyday. If we're both home at weekends we share cooking etc.

BaconMaker · 21/02/2017 15:04

I think bringing a coffee and doing housework is fine (although I'd hope he'd do the same for you if you'd been out for long day!) if you're both happy. I only cringe when the working parent is unnecessarily sloppily (e.g. friend's DH literally can't be bothered to put his dirty pants in the laundry basket - just leaves them lying 1m away because "he works longer hours" errr just throw them 1m to the basket it's no effort and just common courtesy), doesn't spend time with their kids or acts like the boss of the house and expects to boss about the SAHP or give them a tiny allowance and all of the rest of the money for themselves.

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 15:06

your friend has it all wrong in my opinion.
I am on maternityleave now so I have been cooking a lot more for DH since he works 2 jobs.
Usually I have a long commute and he does 90% of the cleaning and maybe cooking 50%

My SIL hasnt worked for a long time (she gets a job but never lasts long always some issue) and my brother works full time and studies.
She refuses to cook for him or do the ironing because she is not a housewife I think she is fucking cheeky and lazy.

It is about finding a balance

TempusEedjit · 21/02/2017 15:06

Sounds like you have a good set up that works for you both.

As an aside I see you refer to "DP" so presumably unmarried, as a SAHM with four very dependent DC do you have financial protections in place in case anything happens as you could be very vulnerable if you don't?

morningconstitutional2017 · 21/02/2017 15:06

No, it's never just you. If you're both happy with the arrangement don't let your friend tell you it's wrong. We're all different and the way you go about this sounds perfectly all right to me. Let your friend manage things her way and leave you to yours.

m0therofdragons · 21/02/2017 15:08

I cook every night - I like cooking. For me, feminism is all about having equality and options. I was sahm when dc were little and I'm now working pt as I want to be their main carer. It's what works for dh and I. Tell you df to mind her own business!

Cottongusset · 21/02/2017 15:08

I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning and gardening. I also work full time. He changes light bulbs, empties the rubbish and the dishwasher. He does drive me to the office and back home in the evening but moans all the time while he is doing it. What bloody mug I am.

TataEsNC · 21/02/2017 15:11

i'm a '50s housewife' i can't comment on lots of threads on mn as now would agree with out set up. but it works for us. that's all that matters.

seagreengirl · 21/02/2017 15:11

Wow, in our house anyone coming in after a long day gets a coffee made for them. It must be exhausting living with your friend.

formerbabe · 21/02/2017 15:12

I'm a sahm, DC are school age. I cook every night and do all his washing and ironing ! My friends acted gobsmacked when I told them but they're all in situations where both partners are working. In our situation, I couldn't be home all day and expect him to cook and iron when he gets in.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2017 15:15

Funny how nobody can even provide a link to these threads where they have been told they have put feminism back 50 years for making somebody a cup of coffee and other similar sentiments.............

expatinscotland · 21/02/2017 15:16

I think anyone who relies on an unmarried partner financially and who is not legally protected or independently wealthy is seriously compromising him/herself and children and making him/herself extremely vulnerable. You're a 'housewife' without the wife part.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/02/2017 15:21

YANBU. I don't get this attitude either.

You are at home, so take on the majority of housework and cooking. That just seems sensible and fair to me.

If it works for you & your family and everybody is happy then it's absolutely fine.

Wellitwouldbenice · 21/02/2017 15:22

Your domestic set up sounds lovely! You sound happy with the division of labour and how you each contribute. In a marriage/relationship I think it's important that how you manage the home includes doing some things for each other. It's about love, care, appreciating each other and making each other happy. It's also about what works for you as individuals and as a family.
Due to childcare and work patterns my husband has dinner ready for me every night Monday - Thursday. I really appreciate this and try to show/tell him that o don't take it for granted. It makes me feel very cared for.

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RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 21/02/2017 15:26

bertrand

Sorry i have obviously missed something

I cant see where anyone has said that they have been told that on a mumsnet thread

EssentialHummus · 21/02/2017 15:28

I personally think HIBU to have a coffee in the evening at all, but that's clearly just my issue - I'd be bouncing off the walls.

Honestly, if it works for you as a family and you (OP) are happy with it, carry on.

SundialShadow · 21/02/2017 15:29

Feminism is about equality and the right to choose not "uterus worship workshops" and lectures on "all men are evil and to be avoided at all costs because they're all rapists. Except if you want sex or children because then they must provide on tap but we must not because of the almighty uterus and not being victims or something

Damm.... I have never uterus worshipped or considered all men evil...

Do I have to turn in my feminist card!?!!?

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